where is the line?

[migurl]

I’ve seen and heard some intersting things on this topic. Where is the line between friendships (between men and women) and something sinful? I’d appreciate the advice.

 

[Della]

migurl:

I’ve seen and heard some intersting things on this topic. Where is the line between friendships (between men and women) and something sinful? I’d appreciate the advice.

Considering the fact that we live in a sex-soaked society, it is best to keep any male friends at arm’s length. No private communications, no being alone together, no getting together over weekends, etc. It may seem extreme, but the pain and disappointment of a spouse isn’t worth any so-called “friendship” between married men and women.

 

[dhgray]

migurl:

I’ve seen and heard some intersting things on this topic. Where is the line between friendships (between men and women) and something sinful? I’d appreciate the advice.

Is there any kissing or touching involved? Do you do anything more than you would with a brother or sister?

 

[Aesq]

Della:

Considering the fact that we live in a sex-soaked society, it is best to keep any male friends at arm’s length. No private communications, no being alone together, no getting together over weekends, etc. It may seem extreme, but the pain and disappointment of a spouse isn’t worth any so-called “friendship” between married men and women.

The poster did not say anything about either the man or the woman being married. It was just about friendships between men and women.

 

[newf]

Once you’ve started kissing, you have taken the relationship to the next level. Mere friends do not kiss…I’m speaking about passionate kisses, not a ‘hello or goodbye kiss’ on the cheek.

 

[Della]

Aesq:

The poster did not say anything about either the man or the woman being married. It was just about friendships between men and women.

Do you think that qualification negates my advice? I don’t happen to think so. Not in the world in which we live today.

 

[Karin]

Della:

Considering the fact that we live in a sex-soaked society, it is best to keep any male friends at arm’s length. No private communications, no being alone together, no getting together over weekends, etc. It may seem extreme, but the pain and disappointment of a spouse isn’t worth any so-called “friendship” between married men and women.

And if the spouse does not have issues with you having opposite sex friends???

 

[Della]

And if the spouse does not have issues with you having opposite sex friends???

Then that spouse is something of a fool, if you ask me. No, men and women who are not supposed to be romantically involved ought to avoid any appearance of being a couple. If they want to lunch together they should ask a couple of other friends to come along. In our society we think that romance is everything, and living and being nutured in that mind-set, even for those who know better, there is still the great temptation to go too far. So, why take the chance?

 

[Karin]

Della:

Then that spouse is something of a fool, if you ask me.

Really…I have no issue with it and neither does my dh.

Della:

No, men and women who are not supposed to be romantically involved ought to avoid any appearance of being a couple.

Having lunch together or a cup of coffee makes you a couple??? Or look like a couple??? I do not hang all over my friends I do not kiss them on the mouth etc.

Della:

If they want to lunch together they should ask a couple of other friends to come along. In our society we think that romance is everything, and living and being nutured in that mind-set, even for those who know better, there is still the great temptation to go too far. So, why take the chance?

We both go out to lunch with friends…nothing romantic involved…since when is eating lunch romantic? There has never been a temptation to go “further” with a friend…you are saying basically that no one can control their sexual urges and all woman and men find the opposite sex attractive…OH PLEASE!

 

[newf]

My husband has a job where on occasion he will go to lunch with a woman co-worker. I have no problem with that. And these women are his friends at work, I am fine with that, too.

Now, they do NOT call him at home or go to lunch or coffee with him when he is off work. I would have a HUGE problem with that.

No, I am not insecure. I am realistic and probably older than Karin. I know how it goes when a marriage hits bumps. A person does not need the temptation of a person of the opposite sex during times of struggle in the marriage. I also don’t do lunch or coffee with other men except my brother.

This is a way my husband and I show respect and love toward each other.

I’m in agreement with Della on this one.

 

[Karin]

newf:

My husband has a job where on occasion he will go to lunch with a woman co-worker. I have no problem with that. And these women are his friends at work, I am fine with that, too.

OK got that part…work friends that stay friends only at work.
That is not a friend then IMHO…that is a co-worker. A friend is usually someone that you want to invite to your house meet your family etc.

newf:

Now, they do NOT call him at home or go to lunch or coffee with him when he is off work. I would have a HUGE problem with that.

Once again I can understand that…it is what ever each person in that relationship is comfortable with. But once again my dh and i do not have this issue…his friends (male and female call) and vice versa.

newf:

No, I am not insecure. I am realistic and probably older than Karin.

You may be older (if you are over 35 ) but we (my husband and I) are also both realistic… **neither one of us is tempted to do other things with our friends…that is why we married each other…we want to do them with each other **

newf:

I know how it goes when a marriage hits bumps A person does not need the temptation of a person of the opposite sex during times of struggle in the marriage. I also don’t do lunch or coffee with other men except my brother.

This is a way my husband and I show respect and love toward each other.

I’m in agreement with Della on this one.

Key…how ***you and your husband…***but that may not be an issue for my husband and I we do respect each other by the way by not telling each other who we can be friends with or how we can associate with them. Also if my hubby had an issue with lunch or coffee with a friend I woudl respect his wishes and not do it. Once again there is NO temptation never has been also we do bring our friends home and we will all spend an evening together (dinner, coffee, chatting )

 

[Magicsilence]

hmmm.

As a male, i bond really well only with other males.

As soon as its a female friend, things done become suggestive, they react differently to you (as opposed to men), things are never completely tension free. Women, in general, are very… hard to be real friends with. But nice, all the same.

Id say, a man and a woman should only be alone if dating or married. Other than that, it shouldnt really happen, unless necessity demands it.

But then again, maybe im still too young…

 

[migurl]

I’m not only talking about married couples. I see a lot of people at school (I attend a university) who hang out with people who aren’t their boyfriends or girlfriends. I will talk to guys in class about class, but once class is over, unless I’ve known the guy for a long time (and he goes to my church) I walk alone. My fiance is pretty adamant about me being careful and he himself is very careful about appearing flirtacious instead of nice. He is a great man who is very helpful and he has to do a lot to make sure that people understand he is just a nice guy and not flirting. Most people nowadays don’t bother to make the distiction.

 

[Aesq]

Della:

Do you think that qualification negates my advice? I don’t happen to think so. Not in the world in which we live today.

You actually think that unmarried males and females should never be alone together or have one on one communication. How would anyone even manage to function in the world. I work in an office with mostly women and I am a man. How would I ever do my job if I did not communicate with these people or ever be alone with them ever. And yes some of them are my friends. No I do not see them as anything other than friends and never will. It is not about the world we live in it is about the actions of the people involved. Saying that it is about the world we live in negates the responsibilty of the people involved if they do “cross the line.” It is not about the world it is about the people and what they do.

 

[migurl]

I’m just wondering if a man and a woman are close friends, when does one begin to back away from the situation?

 

[puzzleannie]

migurl:

I’ve seen and heard some intersting things on this topic. Where is the line between friendships (between men and women) and something sinful? I’d appreciate the advice.

as with all friendships, the line is drawn where the relationship starts to be about ME, using the other person to fill my needs, rather than basing the relationship on being someone who always has the good of the other person as a priority. When this friendship is used to fill perceived lacks in one’s marriage relationship there is a real danger. This is true by the way of “girlfriends” or even sisters who use the relationship to trash their husbands, bitch and moan about their marriages, reveal what should be reserved for husband and wife alone. That also is a form of unfaithfulness to the marriage union.

when the friendship becomes flirtation, when sexually-tinged topics and language become a regular part of the conversation, when either party betrays the confidence of their marriage partner and discusses things that properly belong only in marriage, when either belittles their marriage partner, these are all dangers.

 

[DeniseR]

I’m married and I have friends who are men (also married) but always keep the boundaries clear. Personally, I would not go out of my way to have deep personal conversations with any of my male friends. I would not entertain the idea of going to lunch with any of them alone. I would talk on the phone with them out of necessity such as an activity we were working on together for planning a church or civic function or work-related activity. Any personal talk would be friendly but general. I assume my husband or his wife were listening in or overhearing our conversation at all times.

Because I like these men (as friends) it’s possible I would find myself (knowing myself) thinking about our friendship and eventually fantacizing about it being something more than it really is. Where the head goes, the heart follows. This is how I am and know where my temptations would be. Even if there was no flirting going on, a friendship with a man could become an opportunity for temptation for me just to fantacize, which is wrong. My fantasy would be that they appreciate me for my brain and opinions and find me charming and witty. I’ve been admired for my looks and don’t find that flattering. But to be admired for my brain - not that is tempting!

If both parties are unmarried and not dating one person, I think it would be appropriate to meet for lunch and have more personal conversations with those of the opposite sex. It would be a prelude to dating. That’s the way we find one another.

 

[AnonymousOne]

Karin:

neither one of us is tempted to do other things with our friends…that is why we married each other…we want to do them with each other

Karin, that’s why we ALL got married. Because we love our spouse and want to do things with them that we don’t want to do with others.

But I think you’re being naive if you think that you’ll never have romantic feelings for other people. I love my wife dearly. Several years ago we met another couple at church. The woman and I “hit it off”. One day I saw her at the parish and we got into a fairly “open” and spiritual discussion. She confided to me that she wished her husband was more like me. I was flattered, especially because I was actually attracted to her, and she was attracted to me. She saw something in me that she wanted and her husband wasn’t providing. And, in fact, I saw something in her that I felt was missing in my marriage at the time. But alarm bells went off, and I realized where this could so easily lead, despite the fact that I love my wife. In fact, because I love her so much, I made sure that this woman and I were never alone again. It’s not an issue anymore because we’ve moved and lost touch with them, but I can guarantee you that I will not suggest we get in touch with them again!

My point is this: Even though you love your husband and he loves you, there are times in every marriage when one spouse or the other is vulnerable to seeing something in another man or woman that fills a void they are feeling at the moment. Perhaps the void is even long-standing. Habits of excessive familiarity with members of the opposite sex increase the chances that you will meet someone, or begin to feel romantic toward another man (or woman) you already know, who poses a danger to your marriage.

It is best simply to have a habit of not encouraging friendships with members of the opposite sex if you’re married.

And you’re being very foolish and naive if you think it can’t happen to you because you’re so in love with your spouse.

 

[Rebecca_New]

migurl:

I’ve seen and heard some intersting things on this topic. Where is the line between friendships (between men and women) and something sinful? I’d appreciate the advice.

I do not think that men and women can be best friends unless they are single. Your spouse is supposed to be your best opposite sex friend. I think that St. Francis and St. Claire had a very special opposite sex friendship that was pure. It is possible. But if you are married, it is not acceptable to hang out and really enjoy another person’s company because it shows that there is something lacking in your intimate relationship. It could cause scandalous remarks, it might even be leading to something in the future.

 

[Rebecca_New]

newf:

My husband has a job where on occasion he will go to lunch with a woman co-worker. I have no problem with that. And these women are his friends at work, I am fine with that, too.

Now, they do NOT call him at home or go to lunch or coffee with him when he is off work. I would have a HUGE problem with that.

No, I am not insecure. I am realistic and probably older than Karin. I know how it goes when a marriage hits bumps. A person does not need the temptation of a person of the opposite sex during times of struggle in the marriage. I also don’t do lunch or coffee with other men except my brother.

This is a way my husband and I show respect and love toward each other.

I’m in agreement with Della on this one.

I do have to disagree most humbly with you on office lunches-the more the marrier. Men and women should not lunch together unless there are three or more people.