Where to go from here?

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KendraDZ1902

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A couple of days ago I got a phone call from my husband telling me that he has been unhappy for a while and nothing I can do will fix it. He just got back from deployment and I haven’t seen him since May. I was sent to stay with family because I was dealing with mental illness and he didn’t want me to be alone. Which totally makes sense. We Skyped/phone called each other through this whole deployment. I have gotten back to being the old me and we were making plans of me working and going back to school when he got back. Heck, he was sending me pictures of houses when he was back, before leave started. I thought everything was fine.

I’m not sure what to do now. He will not speak to me. I sent him a text today telling him that he should really speak with a priest. I’m totally lost right now.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
A couple of days ago I got a phone call from my husband telling me that he has been unhappy for a while and nothing I can do will fix it. He just got back from deployment and I haven’t seen him since May. I was sent to stay with family because I was dealing with mental illness and he didn’t want me to be alone. Which totally makes sense. We Skyped/phone called each other through this whole deployment. I have gotten back to being the old me and we were making plans of me working and going back to school when he got back. Heck, he was sending me pictures of houses when he was back, before leave started. I thought everything was fine.

I’m not sure what to do now. He will not speak to me. I sent him a text today telling him that he should really speak with a priest. I’m totally lost right now.
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I’m sorry that this is happening to you.

Brace yourself for the possibility that there is another woman involved in this situation, as that’s the simplest explanation for there being nothing you can do to fix this.

I hope you have good local support, because this is going to be really tough.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
A couple of days ago I got a phone call from my husband telling me that he has been unhappy for a while and nothing I can do will fix it. He just got back from deployment and I haven’t seen him since May. I was sent to stay with family because I was dealing with mental illness and he didn’t want me to be alone. Which totally makes sense. We Skyped/phone called each other through this whole deployment. I have gotten back to being the old me and we were making plans of me working and going back to school when he got back. Heck, he was sending me pictures of houses when he was back, before leave started. I thought everything was fine.

I’m not sure what to do now. He will not speak to me. I sent him a text today telling him that he should really speak with a priest. I’m totally lost right now.
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I have no advice. I offer only my prayers. I really hope that everything will be healed for you. I will absolutely pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament for you. He will help you. Your life is a blessing, and so is your family.
 
I’m so sorry. Hopefully he will agree to at least meet with a priest. If he’s just back from deployment, could he be dealing with the stresses of that transition, or whatever he experienced while he was away?

I’ll definitely say a prayer for you.
 
Lookingforjoy said:
I’m so sorry. Hopefully he will agree to at least meet with a priest. If he’s just back from deployment, could he be dealing with the stresses of that transition, or whatever he experienced while he was away?

I’ll definitely say a prayer for you.
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Deployments are always stressful. This was the 3rd one and he doesn’t have a combat role. No PTSD from working on airplanes. He didn’t even want me to be there for homecoming, saying that we would see each other when leave started a few days later. Idk.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I have no advice. I offer only my prayers. I really hope that everything will be healed for you. I will absolutely pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament for you. He will help you. Your life is a blessing, and so is your family.
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Thank you for the prayers. It seems like it is the only hope I have now.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
A couple of days ago I got a phone call from my husband telling me that he has been unhappy for a while and nothing I can do will fix it. He just got back from deployment and I haven’t seen him since May. I was sent to stay with family because I was dealing with mental illness and he didn’t want me to be alone. Which totally makes sense. We Skyped/phone called each other through this whole deployment. I have gotten back to being the old me and we were making plans of me working and going back to school when he got back. Heck, he was sending me pictures of houses when he was back, before leave started. I thought everything was fine.

I’m not sure what to do now. He will not speak to me. I sent him a text today telling him that he should really speak with a priest. I’m totally lost right now.
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Kendra,
I am so very sorry about your situation. I will be praying for you. I know you have had a lot on your plate. I think the whole CAF family here is praying for you and your husband. :hug1:
 
I’m praying for you & your husband. Hopfully, he will speak with a Priest. This must be so hard on you. Stay strong, keep the faith. Keep praying. We are all praying for you.
 
Xantippe said:
I’m sorry that this is happening to you.

Brace yourself for the possibility that there is another woman involved in this situation, as that’s the simplest explanation for there being nothing you can do to fix this.

I hope you have good local support, because this is going to be really tough.
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Thankfully I am at my parent’s house and my poor mom is dealing with my random crying and numbness.
 
Kendra… I am so sorry that this is happening. I “know” you from numerous posts and I know that you are a woman of faith. Be assured of my prayers, and the prayers of many others here.

Where to go…? The only thing I can think of is to wait patiently - for now; and hope that he calls or texts or something. I can’t even imagine…

Be strong, my friend.

Prayers going out to you.
 
Kendra, I’m so sorry that this is happening. I am praying for you.
 
Prayers for you and your husband. Cling to Christ as I’m sure you are…I’m terribly sorry for this burden dear.
 
“I’m not happy, and I haven’t been happy for awhile, and there is NOTHING you can do about it” sounds a lot like the first warnings of a guy who is planning to leave to be with someone else. I see Xantippe said the same thing. Yes, he skyped you, but was he also skyping someone else, too? More suspicious is his instructing you not to meet him for his homecoming. Why not?? I cannot think of any good reason to draw that line - I can only think of the nefarious reason.

It sounds to me like you need to find out what he is doing these days. Staying home and crying about you-don’t-know-what isn’t doing you any good at all. The truth may be something to cry about, so maybe find it out and get it over with. Do you not drive, maybe? Is he staying in your home, and you are with your parents? Because if you do drive, you should just drop in. If you don’t drive, maybe your Mom, your Dad, or a friend will help you get there and find out what is going on. Seems likely there woudl be a sympathetic girlfriend around to support you in this.

Sometimes people cheat. There is a lot of support for cheaters these days in this culture that venerates the sacred “Whatever makes you happy!”. Some people won’t cheat no matter the difficulty they are in, because that’s the kind of person they are. I am sure you know what kind of person you are. But do you know what kind of person your husband is?

Just know this: When cheaters cheat, its NOT a reflection on their spouse, but its a testament to who they really are. 😦 And who a person “really is” is something a spouse has no jurisdiction over.

The truth will set you free, even if its an unhappy one. I hope its not an unhappy truth you are facing, but know that the truth frees, nonetheless.

(I don’t know what mental issues you were dealing with, but, giving your love and trust to someone who is not worthy of that trust - or is abusing or manipulating it - is a “crazy-making” situation. Sometimes mental health conditions are* situational,* rather than innate.

Whatever this situation amounts to, God can sustain you and you can trust Him and He will never let you down for any trust you give Him. You cannot outgive God. He desires that you put your trust in Him. Give Him your trust, and He will not let you down! He can hold you up, even in the midst of a ruinous situation.
 
Eliza10 said:
“I’m not happy, and I haven’t been happy for awhile, and there is NOTHING you can do about it” sounds a lot like the first warnings of a guy who is planning to leave to be with someone else. I see Xantippe said the same thing. Yes, he skyped you, but was he also skyping someone else, too? More suspicious is his instructing you not to meet him for his homecoming. Why not?? I cannot think of any good reason to draw that line - I can only think of the nefarious reason. It sounds to me like you need to find out what he is doing these days. Staying home and crying about you don’t know what isn’t doing you any good at all. The truth may be something to cry about, so maybe find it out and get it over with. Do you not drive, maybe? Is he staying in your home, and you are with your parents? Because if you do drive, you should just drop in. If you don’t drive, maybe your Mom, your Dad, or a friend will help you get there and find out what is going on. Seems likely there woudl be a sympathetic girlfriend around to support you in this.

Sometimes people cheat. There is a lot of support for cheaters these days in this culture that venerates the sacred “Whatever makes you happy!”. Some people won’t cheat no matter the difficulty they are in, because that’s the kind of person they are. I am sure you know what kind of person you are. But do you know what kind of person your husband is?

Just know that when cheaters cheat, its NOT a reflection on their spouse, but its a testament to who they really are. 😦 And who a person “really is” is something a spouse has no jurisdiction over.

The truth will set you free, even if its an unhappy one. I hope its not an unhappy truth you are facing, but know that the truth frees, nonetheless.

(I don’t know what mental issues you were dealing with, but, giving your love and trust to someone who is not worthy of that trust - or is abusing or manipulating it - is a “crazy-making” situation. Sometimes mental health conditions are* situational,* rather than innate.

Whatever this situation amounts to, God can sustain you and you can trust Him and He will never let you down for any trust you give Him. You cannot outgive God. He desires that you put your trust in Him. Give Him your trust, and He will not let you down! He can hold you up, even in the midst of a ruinous situation.
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That’s very good.

I hesitated to add this previously, but one of the possibilities (and not a far out one, either), is that he may be expecting a baby with another woman. That happened to an infertile cousin of mine and while I wasn’t close enough to know how she managed to get through that, I’m sure it was quite crushing.

If it isn’t that, great! But it is a possibility.
 
Eliza10 said:
“I’m not happy, and I haven’t been happy for awhile, and there is NOTHING you can do about it” sounds a lot like the first warnings of a guy who is planning to leave to be with someone else. I see Xantippe said the same thing. Yes, he skyped you, but was he also skyping someone else, too? More suspicious is his instructing you not to meet him for his homecoming. Why not?? I cannot think of any good reason to draw that line - I can only think of the nefarious reason. It sounds to me like you need to find out what he is doing these days. Staying home and crying about you don’t know what isn’t doing you any good at all. The truth may be something to cry about, so maybe find it out and get it over with. Do you not drive, maybe? Is he staying in your home, and you are with your parents? Because if you do drive, you should just drop in. If you don’t drive, maybe your Mom, your Dad, or a friend will help you get there and find out what is going on. Seems likely there woudl be a sympathetic girlfriend around to support you in this.

Sometimes people cheat. There is a lot of support for cheaters these days in this culture that venerates the sacred “Whatever makes you happy!”. Some people won’t cheat no matter the difficulty they are in, because that’s the kind of person they are. I am sure you know what kind of person you are. But do you know what kind of person your husband is?

Just know that when cheaters cheat, its NOT a reflection on their spouse, but its a testament to who they really are. 😦 And who a person “really is” is something a spouse has no jurisdiction over.

The truth will set you free, even if its an unhappy one. I hope its not an unhappy truth you are facing, but know that the truth frees, nonetheless.

(I don’t know what mental issues you were dealing with, but, giving your love and trust to someone who is not worthy of that trust - or is abusing or manipulating it - is a “crazy-making” situation. Sometimes mental health conditions are* situational,* rather than innate.

Whatever this situation amounts to, God can sustain you and you can trust Him and He will never let you down for any trust you give Him. You cannot outgive God. He desires that you put your trust in Him. Give Him your trust, and He will not let you down! He can hold you up, even in the midst of a ruinous situation.
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I have absolutely no idea where he is. I know that his leave will end on the 27th and he will be back at work that Monday. I was sent to be with family before the deployment started. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. Everyone thought that me being alone wasn’t the best decision. In the past 9 months I have learned to cope and I am doing extremely better. He packed up the apartment and I have no idea which storage place our things are in.
He isn’t even hanging out with his typical friends, our friends. I’ve been Facebook snooping. 😊
He told me that he was going to “stay with a friend.” When he first got back he was staying with a guy in his squadron. They weren’t close until this deployment and I have no clue where this person lives. It is like he is avoiding people who I could contact.
I guess I could go on base when his leave ends, but I don’t want to end up being the crazy navy wife who ended up being detained by the MAs.
 
Wow. Don’t be embarrassed about Facebook snooping. You are married, you can only assume its a valid marraige, and so he is your vocation and your life and he is hiding something. Nothing wrong with “snooping” on Facebook to get some clue about where your life with him is at. But it looks as if he made sure you were out of his way and with no way to contact him before he returned for his leave. And wow, the agoraphobia makes it more diifuclt to go look for him. If someone will drive you, it would be worth looking for him, if you can get a clue where to look.

I do not see how the Navy MAs could question a woman looking for her Navy husband. 🤷

This does not look good. But for your bi-polar, and the other, know that God heals. Seek Him and His wisdom and guidance for your life, and seek His healing too!
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I have absolutely no idea where he is. I know that his leave will end on the 27th and he will be back at work that Monday. I was sent to be with family before the deployment started. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. Everyone thought that me being alone wasn’t the best decision. In the past 9 months I have learned to cope and I am doing extremely better. He packed up the apartment and I have no idea which storage place our things are in.
He isn’t even hanging out with his typical friends, our friends. I’ve been Facebook snooping. 😊
He told me that he was going to “stay with a friend.” When he first got back he was staying with a guy in his squadron. They weren’t close until this deployment and I have no clue where this person lives. It is like he is avoiding people who I could contact.
I guess I could go on base when his leave ends, but I don’t want to end up being the crazy navy wife who ended up being detained by the MAs.
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Another possibility is that he could be having some sort of mental health issues of his own.

In that case, it could be a really good idea to make sure he’s OK.

Best wishes!
 
Stay strong, Kendra! Very sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Just a random thought: a friend is an army reserve JAG. The army makes lawyers available to soldiers facing deployment, to do essentially anything that will help them focus on what they need to do - whether it be make a will; a landlord problem; whatever. Is there something like that offered to military spouses? Perhaps you could check that out to see if someone could help you. I’m sure this sadly happens often and perhaps the military can assist - I can’t think they’d like him doing what he’s doing.

But hang in there regardless.
 
Sounds like he is having an affair. That would explain why he wants to keep distance from you. If he was having depression or another mental illness you would think he would want you to be close to him. Something doesn’t seem right. I will pray for you.
 
You don’t know even where your belongings are? (Do you have joint bank accounts? You can learn a fair bit from bank statements and credit card data - these should be available online. What about your cellphones? The cellphone statements are also useful.) If he has packed up your stuff and isn’t communicating with you, a call to any of the following, if he is enlisted:
  • unit ombudsman
  • your husband’s boss
  • your husband’s chief, if that’s a different person
  • your unit’s command master chief
(if he’s an officer, it’ll be even worse for him…his boss, Ops, or the XO, would be good places to start)

This kind of behavior could be a real problem for his security clearance, among other things. Concealing his whereabouts and hiding your stuff is pretty unstable behavior. If adultery is involved, he’s definitely mucking with his clearance (and his job…people are climbing over each other to get in to the military these days so they’re not shy about booting less than honorable conduct!).

You should have access to a Family Support office as well. Any of these will be able to guide you - don’t wait to contact them! I know you’re thinking of your marriage, but I’m also thinking about your healthcare (loss of Tricare), income, etc, which could further destabilize your own treatment and wellbeing. You have certain rights as a spouse (even if he tries to declare otherwise), be sure someone is looking out for you. The military will assume everything is fine unless you bring this to their attention.
 
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