Where's the humour?

[BarbaraTherese]

God created man and then He created woman, and then He rested, and man has never rested since.

---

A parish priest hires one of his painter parishioners to paint the parish house roof. Trying to save money the painter waters down the paint somewhat. He paints the roof and it rains and all the watered down paint runs off the roof. The painter cries out:

“Oh Goodness! What can I do?”
A voice is heard from Heaven “Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more”

 

[Andruschak]

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”

“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said.

"But, he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.

With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by one stroke.”

 

[BarbaraTherese]

…http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif…

I really hope, CreatioNova, that you will wake and have a smile at the contributions to your thread since you went off to sleep. That some humour will lift your day. And will be praying that your journey will start to look up and offer you many rewards and riches, especially just for hanging in there when the going got tough…and as we Aussies say “when the going gets tough, then the tough get going”…

Here’s another one I like. A friend of St. Joseph goes to Heaven and tries to get Peter to let him in on the basis of that friendship. But Peter refuses. Just then St. Joseph is passing and his friend calls out to him “St. Joseph, St. Peter wont let me into Heaven!”

St. Joseph says to St. Peter: “What’s going on here, Peter”
Peter replies “I don’t care who this guy is a friend of…he has not kept the rules and is not coming in, and that is that!!!”

St. Joseph calls out “Mary, get the child - we are leaving”

 

[CreatioNova]

Thank you sooo much BarbaraTherese - I feel like Ive had a great big hug
On reflection, I realise, through a combination of being new to the site, and newly returned to my catholic faith, and in awe of the knowledge and committment of many on this site, I was getting sucked into trying to live others piety, not my own, if that makes sense. Hence I could feel the natural ‘‘rougeishness’’ I’m inflicted with being sucked out of me, and hence being left feeling very ‘‘dry’’ and humourless and being filled with unreasonable scrouples.

I’m a bit of a rough diamond, and that’s how I’ll stay, till God says otherwise

Bless you all

 

[Pug]

On reflection, I realise, through a combination of being new to the site, and newly returned to my catholic faith, and in awe of the knowledge and committment of many on this site, I was getting sucked into trying to live others piety, not my own, if that makes sense. Hence I could feel the natural ‘‘rougeishness’’ I’m inflicted with being sucked out of me, and hence being left feeling very ‘‘dry’’ and humourless and being filled with unreasonable scrouples.

I’m a bit of a rough diamond, and that’s how I’ll stay, till God says otherwise

What you’ve said here makes so much sense. That is how we can get affected by things. God will form you as he sees fit, at his idea of the right pace. Not to worry! Of course, I should take my own advice. I tend to get upset with my supposed lack of progress. What do I know, maybe I’m going as fast as possible for me. It doesn’t feel like it, though. Best to just do what is in front of me for that day, stop fussing, and enjoy the roses! (Still, I MUST take my own advice…)

 

[CreatioNova]

(Still, I MUST take my own advice…)

A deputy head teacher once said to me,

‘‘here, take my advice, I never use it’’

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Great to see you on the Board again, CN!!!:extrahappy:

CreatioNova

Thank you sooo much BarbaraTherese - I feel like Ive had a great big hug
On reflection, I realise, through a combination of being new to the site, and newly returned to my catholic faith, and in awe of the knowledge and committment of many on this site, I was getting sucked into trying to live others piety, not my own, if that makes sense. Hence I could feel the natural ‘‘rougeishness’’ I’m inflicted with being sucked out of me, and hence being left feeling very ‘‘dry’’ and humourless and being filled with unreasonable scrouples.

I’m a bit of a rough diamond, and that’s how I’ll stay, till God says otherwise

Bless you all

From one rough diamond to another…how’s this one I heard on “Denton” (An Aussie TV interviewer here who has a great interview with a celebrity weekly … he has a knack of getting out of them what they had no intention of saying)

Be yourself - everyone else is taken!

That is great encouragement, huh?

(PS I was trying to give you a great big huge comforting, I hoped, hug! As we Aussies say "Hugs help!..Right now, I could use one…due to my own ******** stupidity and taking too much notice of some posts, taking them to heart and waging a “War of the Saviour Complex” )

 

[water]

Through the Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat, I make like 25 new friends - they all are big men, and each time I get a hug, I feel like my spinal cord gets straighten up a bit.

We do have humor during our meetings and when it is time to be serious without joke, we are serious.

Our pastor is awesome in homily and he says funny but good stuff.

 

[crenfro]

Is this what life is like as a fully fledged obedient catholic - humourless, dry and insufferably self righteous?

Yes.

You should be finished with laughter and any sort of indulgence in humor after you’ve been a Catholic for over five years. I’ve heard about some special dispensations that can be gotten for occasional tasteful chuckling but I think those require permission from at least a cardinal. Be careful.

:extrahappy:

 

[Pug]

As we Aussies say "Hugs help!..Right now, I could use one…due to my own ******** stupidity and taking too much notice of some posts, taking them to heart and waging a “War of the Saviour Complex” )

Hugs are free around here…

:grouphug:

You know, I’ve been thinking (better duck!) . There is something important to think about in my silly joke about bran muffins and your response to it. Sometimes listening to the media it is easy to get the idea that we must do whatever it takes to make our lives statistically likely to be a few years longer. But really, where is that written? There are so many other things to consider than slight statistical risk to lifespan. Of course, something that could be really bad, like high potassium in the blood levels, well, we ought to take their advice and get it checked out pronto. No dawdling. (assuming one has access to health care).

 

[Polaris]

The masters of Catholic humor I give you the Society of Jesus.

A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

My beloved children,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.

Sincerely yours,

God, S.J.

or

The Franciscans, Dominicans, and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, and the Dominicans began preaching. But the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker

or

A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, “I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me.”

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, “This seems like a waste of money, since you can’t take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I’m doing as you requested, as a sign of my love.”

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, “You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can’t let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me.”

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, “Don’t worry, Frank. I’ll pay your share.” Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Hugs are free around here…

You know, I’ve been thinking (better duck!) . There is something important to think about in my silly joke about bran muffins and your response to it. Sometimes listening to the media it is easy to get the idea that we must do whatever it takes to make our l
ives statistically likely to be a few years longer. But really, where is that written? There are so many other things to consider than slight statistical risk to lifespan. Of course, something that could be really bad, like high potassium in the blood levels, well, we ought to take their advice and get it checked out pronto. No dawdling. (assuming one has access to health care).

I had to delete your Smileys as The Board was upset at the number I had used - apologies!
Thank you for the hugs…my miserable mood was self inflicted! God is Good…give me good night’s sleep (and, thanks be, I sleep like a rock) and next morning the mood has totally gone - usually! Certainly humour on CAF here lifts my day along always.

Re the muffin joke…and it was very funny! It really made me laught! I have given up smoking 21 months ago now and people keep asking me if I feel better and more healthy. I reply in the negative - all I feel is that I have abandoned my best friend. The only reason I gave up smoking was because rationally and feasibly it was becoming a great financial burden. To me, life is all about quality of life, lifespan does not interest me at all - within reason. And anyway, if you dont look after yourself within reason, you can sure feel lousy. It really does amuse me that most every night on our TV newshour, all the warnings we get as this or that being bad for health.
At the time of the great Ban Smoking lobby here and it was very strong…my brother had done a thesis on pollution and came up with the evidence to show that carbon monoxide from car fumes was far more deadly than passive smoke or even smoking itself. He got some sort of award for the thesis and it was bound and put in the library, where it probably just gathered dust from non use. Now here this same knowledge is big news. The ban smoking lobby has been very effective…but now the worriers have something else to worry about in cars and carbon monoxide being breathed in by us all by day and by night as we sleep, and I wonder if there will be a strong lobby to abandon cars. Goodness if ‘they’ don’t lighten up, life itself will be a hazard to health since it leads directly to death.

My English teacher was telling us that his neice works for an interstate newsapaper and he asked her “How does it feel to be a journalistic prostitute”. We laughed, but of course journalists are governed by the values etc. of whoever owns the newspaper. Media merely manipulates thinking in some direction or other…and this is what we are looking at in our English classes - by studying and dissecting newspaper and magazine articles. How this manipulation is effected.

My comment about your funny muffin joke was more in connection with that ever present conflict - death not the most attractive of propositions / longing for the joys of Heaven and death.

Blessings and my regards…Barb

 

[nicolep]

Oh my golly, this is a great thread! I really enjoyed “Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!” Heh heh…laughing all over again.

Here’s a joke I posted on The Water Cooler Forum.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!” “Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the roof.”

God bless you all! I needed a laugh this evening.

 

[Pug]

Re the muffin joke…and it was very funny! It really made me laught! I have given up smoking 21 months ago now and people keep asking me if I feel better and more healthy. I reply in the negative - all I feel is that I have abandoned my best friend. The only reason I gave up smoking was because rationally and feasibly it was becoming a great financial burden. To me, life is all about quality of life, lifespan does not interest me at all - within reason.

I can see how people would ask you that question a lot. Quality of life is quite important, I agree. Of course, I am willing to cook with lard and butter, so take whatever I say with that knowledge in mind. I don’t think I would feel any happier by stopping eating them.

And anyway, if you dont look after yourself within reason, you can sure feel lousy. It really does amuse me that most every night on our TV newshour, all the warnings we get as this or that being bad for health.
At the time of the great Ban Smoking lobby here and it was very strong…my brother had done a thesis on pollution and came up with the evidence to show that carbon monoxide from car fumes was far more deadly than passive smoke or even smoking itself. He got some sort of award for the thesis and it was bound and put in the library, where it probably just gathered dust from non use.

That is funny! In a sad, true sort of way.

Now here this same knowledge is big news. The ban smoking lobby has been very effective…but now the worriers have something else to worry about in cars and carbon monoxide being breathed in by us all by day and by night as we sleep, and I wonder if there will be a strong lobby to abandon cars. Goodness if ‘they’ don’t lighten up, life itself will be a hazard to health since it leads directly to death.

Even funnier!

I don’t think we’ll give up cars for our health. Maybe to save the whales off the coast of California, but not for our health. Well, I don’t really know. You’re right about these smoking bans. They could be a sign of more changes like that to come. I wonder when it will be illegal to buy a donut? I think all those news stories about health are tending to lead us in that direction.

My English teacher was telling us that his neice works for an interstate newsapaper and he asked her “How does it feel to be a journalistic prostitute”. We laughed, but of course journalists are governed by the values etc. of whoever owns the newspaper. Media merely manipulates thinking in some direction or other…and this is what we are looking at in our English classes - by studying and dissecting newspaper and magazine articles. How this manipulation is effected.

Maybe they try to hire employees with a similar value structure to theirs, so their journalists/employees are fairly happy with their work. I bet it is frustrating to study how the newspaper stories are constructed, knowing so many will read them and be affected, and knowing you can’t do that much about it. Oh, that is just me, though. You might feel more upbeat about it.

My comment about your funny muffin joke was more in connection with that ever present conflict - death not the most attractive of propositions / longing for the joys of Heaven and death.

Yes, that is really how I meant it in the first place. Well, that and the tension of how we want to be off to heaven yet we stay here anyway. St. Paul sort of mentions this here:

Philippians 1:21 For to me life is Christ, and death is gain. 22 If I go on living in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. And I do not know which I shall choose. 23 I am caught between the two. I long to depart this life and be with Christ, (for) that is far better. 24 Yet that I remain (in) the flesh is more necessary for your benefit. 25 And this I know with confidence, that I shall remain and continue in the service of all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,

As Christians we live here and now in Christ, yet we long for the fulfillment of all things in Christ, for the consummation, for our life forever with the Trinity in heaven. Such a big, serious thing, and instead, I usually think about things like muffins.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Oh my gosh, Nicole…that was absolutely hilarioushttp://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif - I wont forget the “Toot n tell or Go to Hell” joke for a long time for sure…probably never! I have tears in my eyes from laughter!

Your joke triggered a couple I know about young priests in their first parish with an older priest:

The young priest has been listening to the older priest hear confessions, as he learns the ropes of it all before hearing his first confession and most eager indeed to do so.

The first man enters the confessional “Bless me Father, I have committed adultery twice”
Father replies: “You dreadful evil man, say three Hail Mary’s for your penance and I absolve you”
The second man enters the confessional “Bless me Father, I have commiteed adultery twice”
Father: “Oh you dreadful evil man, say three Hail Mary’s for your penance and I absolve you”

Just then the phone rings. The young priest goes off to answer it and on his return tells the older priest he is wanted urgently on the phone. So Father asks the younger priest if he is confident enough to hear confessions for the rest of the afternoon. The young priest’s heart dances for pure joy and he replies in the affirmative most happily and with conviction. So the older priest goes off to the phone.

The young priest settles himself into the Confession so filled with gratitude and joy to hear his very first confession.
A woman enters the confessional: “Bless me Father, I have commited adultury once”
Young priest: “Oh…I see…um, well…er…I wonder if you could go and do it again, as I think possibly adultery is going two for two Hail Mary’s this week”.

Here’s another about our wonderful newbie priests:

There is to be a wedding in the parish but the parish celebration hall is leaking badly and it is pouring rain. So the young priest goes off to the older and asks if the reception could be held in the meeting hall next to the actual Church.
“Oh I don’t know about that” says the older priest "the meeting hall is right next to the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle, and I don’t think it is at all appropriate.
“Cmon Father” says the younger priest “I will keep my eye on things and ensure all goes well”
Reluctantly the older priest agrees and the reception after the wedding is in the Church Hall. However it is a very joyful wedding and celebration after with much joy, laughter and loud celebrations.

Next thing the older priest comes rushing over to the Church Hall most upset and says to the younger priest “This is a dreadful state of affairs, it is much too loud and rowdy! And the Blessed Eucharist is right next to it all!” He is very upset indeed.

“Cmon, Father” says the younger priest “Jesus was present at a wedding party celebration in Cana after all”
“Yes He was!” says the older priest and then shouts at the young priest “BUT THE BLESSED EUCHARIST WAS NOT!!!”

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Quoting Pug

I can see how people would ask you that question a lot. Quality of life is quite important, I agree. Of course, I am willing to cook with lard and butter, so take whatever I say with that knowledge in mind. I don’t think I would feel any happier by stopping eating them.

All that God has created is good (and what we create He has created indirectly in that the inspiration and materials are His)…and it is all things (without getting silly of course!) in moderation - and to celebrate He who has gifted them to us. Of course “moderation” is an abstraction and my moderation may not be your moderation- something like that. The thing, I think, about really and in celebration enjoying the good things that God has gifted to us…is that there are also lots of things to be subject to a bit of penance now and then. Dont have to look too far at all. And I often cook in lard and butter thankfully of course, again my “often” does not necessarily apply to all. Ahhhhh humanity and its wondrous colours and diversities…that too is cause for celebration…If I am not stamping my feet and carrying on like a pork chop because it wont see things MY WAY!

I don’t think we’ll give up cars for our health. Maybe to save the whales off the coast of California, but not for our health. Well, I don’t really know. You’re right about these smoking bans. They could be a sign of more changes like that to come. I wonder when it will be illegal to buy a donut? I think all those news stories about health are tending to lead us in that direction.

What is happening I think is that coming to the surface of consciousness in mankind is this terrible fear of death…and it is reflected in all these concerns about health and lengthening life. I dont think it is conscious yet…still very active in the subconscious and revealing itself in all these fears and anxieties about lengthening life.

Maybe they try to hire employees with a similar value structure to theirs, so their journalists/employees are fairly happy with their work. I bet it is frustrating to study how the newspaper stories are constructed, knowing so many will read them and be affected, and knowing you can’t do that much about it. Oh, that is just me, though. You might feel more upbeat about it.

Could be! Of course and especially in today’s economic climate, one’s weekly pay packet is very important and justly so…and one just could ‘sell one’s soul’ to keep it. And really can we blame those that do? …especially with families to care for and feed, clothe and educate. The Lord has truly blest me with Bipolar Disorder and I am on a disability pension and the government pays me to go to school to (for one only) improve the quality of life if I wish and my college education is completely free. I dont have to rely on my employer paying me a weekly wage. Also, the welfare system here in Australia is truly wonderful and a blessing…for as long as we can maintain it that is.
The government keeps doing tests on me and stating I am fit to go to work and can come off the disability pension and join the unemployment que. I am now 63yrs of age and with 30 years in my past of an almost horrific journey with Bipolar. So my doc (psychiatrist) keeps writing the government a letter telling them that if they take me off disability, the stress will cause me to become ill again …I love my psychiatrist!
The thing about our class of 20 looking at media in all its forms including TV journalism and means of identifying manipulations and to what, is that it is that it can be pebble in the pool affect and effect. We can pass much of what we learn onto others as we discuss media in all its forms and current affairs in our own personal lives with friends etc. I hope for this affect and effect. I am thoroughly enjoying this class and am totally wrapped in what I am learning.
I’ve had an Award of Merit for my writing from College and all A+ results in connected subjects and am beginning to think I will take my writing seriously and maybe go on to University…also free for this poor mad disability pensioner. Giving it thought with prayer.

Yes, that is really how I meant it in the first place. Well, that and the tension of how we want to be off to heaven yet we stay here anyway. St. Paul sort of mentions this here:

Philippians 1:21 For to me life is Christ, and death is gain. 22 If I go on living in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. And I do not know which I shall choose. 23 I am caught between the two. I long to depart this life and be with Christ, (for) that is far better. 24 Yet that I remain (in) the flesh is more necessary for your benefit. 25 And this I know with confidence, that I shall remain and continue in the service of all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,

As Christians we live here and now in Christ, yet we long for the fulfillment of all things in Christ, for the consummation, for our life forever with the Trinity in heaven.

Such a big, serious thing, and instead, I usually think about things like muffins

.

When sharing in these little but truly wonderful human joys in life including parties and celebrations…I gladly do so in very human ways to celebrate He who became fully human for us.

I think added to the seven deadly sins should be “taking ourselves too seriously too often”. And added to the Gifts of The Holy Spirit should be “a joyful sense of humour and of the silly and ridiculous, the absurdities in life” Chiefly amongst the silly, ridiculous and absurd is our human nature and especially my own brand of the human in nature.

Good to catch up with again, Pug, on these Boards. I am an often lurker reading posts only including many of yours:thumbsup: …regards and God’s richest blessings…Barb

 

[blessedtoo]

Sister Mary Holywater asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up…

“A doctor!” said one…

“A teacher, like you, sister!” said another…

A girl in the back did not raise her hand.

…“and what about you Janie?”, said the sister. “…what do YOU wish to be when you grow up?”

“I wanna be a PROSTITUTE teacher!” said the little girl.

"WHAT???.. did… you… say …young lady??? said the gasping sister…

“I said I wanna be a PROSTITUTE!” came the reply again from little Janie…

“Oh Thank God”, said the nun “…for a moment there I thought you said you wished to be a PROTESTANT”!

 

[blessedtoo]

On a serious note, you might want to stay away from the threads that involve the highly scrupulous questions about minutiae and stick with your Catechism. Everything you need to know about your Catholic faith is between those pages!

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Your joke was hilarious, blessedtoo. That will light my life for the next 24hrs!..and if you knew nuns pre V2 that was the type of thinking more or less. Since most of them would have no idea what “prostitute” meant and to be protestant was to have hit the depths of the depths of the depths…

Your serious advice was excellent also:thumbsup:

 

[blessedtoo]

…and if you knew nuns pre V2 that was the type of thinking more or less. Since most of them would have no idea what “prostitute” meant and to be protestant was to have hit the depths of the depths of the depths…

Better believe I knew 'em - and was taught by 'em! Nothing could be worse than being a Protestant!