Where's the Line?

[CatholicRaven]

Wow, now that I read what Grandma is contributing to the problem and the fact that you live with her, I have to say I’m at a loss. I guess I’d be doing everything I could to change that situation first, because as long as you’re living there, she will have a big influence… and just do what I could in the meantime to help stepson learn to contribute.

Pray for him. I will, too. And for Grandma, so that she can see that she’s* not *helping him to become the man he needs to be. What will happen when she’s not able to be there anymore for him?

 

[Becca3]

Is there anyone outside of your family that could straighten him out? Perhaps a neighbor or an uncle, someone the kid looks up to? I recall a similar situation a friend (“Bob”) told me. Bob has some sort of business partner who built model cars. Bob’s teenage son, who sounds a lot like your son, loved building model cars with Bob’s partner. One day Bob’s partner told the boy that he was rude, lazy, and disrespectful towards his parents, and furthermore, he wasn’t going to build cars with the boy until the kid straightened up. The boy was shocked. It was a real wake-up call for him, and he made a serious effort to shape up. He really wanted to build his model cars.

The moral of the story is: frequently teens disrespect their parents, but will listen to a stranger. Seek someone out who can have a straight-up talk with him. Not a “dialog”. More like a here’s-how-it-is, “come-to-Jesus” meeting! He isn’t going to listen to any parent. He might listen to an authority figure he respects.

This reminds me of a time when my mom called a friend of hers who might or might not have been a cop to talk to me on the phone about the dangers of driving without a license when I was learning how to drive as a teen! He scared me so bad but it worked!! Sometimes that is what it takes, is an outside figure the teen respects.

 

[Back2Basics]

Is there anyone outside of your family that could straighten him out? Perhaps a neighbor or an uncle, someone the kid looks up to? I recall a similar situation a friend (“Bob”) told me. Bob has some sort of business partner who built model cars. Bob’s teenage son, who sounds a lot like your son, loved building model cars with Bob’s partner. One day Bob’s partner told the boy that he was rude, lazy, and disrespectful towards his parents, and furthermore, he wasn’t going to build cars with the boy until the kid straightened up. The boy was shocked. It was a real wake-up call for him, and he made a serious effort to shape up. He really wanted to build his model cars.

The moral of the story is: frequently teens disrespect their parents, but will listen to a stranger. Seek someone out who can have a straight-up talk with him. Not a “dialog”. More like a here’s-how-it-is, “come-to-Jesus” meeting! He isn’t going to listen to any parent. He might listen to an authority figure he respects.

I really don’t know who, if anyone, he respects that much.

 

[EasterJoy]

Granted, but I can’t see how it’s really appropriate to overrule the parents completely when the parents actually live in the same house… and it appears to me (and I’ve been watching from the wings, being the only place I was allowed, for a long time) that’s what’s been happening. Now, she’ll back up a parent on the directive, but when it comes to consequences she’s all, “But what else are they going to do?”

I also understand that there’s a history of my husband getting “out of control” with the kids. In the time I’ve been with him, I haven’t seen it, but apparently even getting frustrated (when he does, his voice raises, I guess is the problem, I’m not sure) is now “out of control,” according to his mother…

Frankly, from my own childhood, if yelling is actually completely out of control, then my mom lost all control often… NOT.

Don’t mean to seem gripey about my mother-in-law, I’m seriously just relaying how it looks from an “insiders-outside” perspective.

Even if your MIL were totally willing to enforce all of your rule, I’d encourage her to bend them as she sees fit once in awhile, in order to give her that special place a grandmother has. I used to say “children give a family its life, parents give it structure, and grandparents give it perspective.” You’re letting her have a place that she could not have if she had been left to raise the grandchildren herself. You can work around her; the trick is to show gratitude for her presence in the house as the mother of your husband and the grandmother of your step-son. In other words, she gets her way by your choice to show her deference, not over your objections.

Still, you can relate to your step-son not as his mother, but as an adult roommate in the house he’s living in. IOW, you can relate as one adult to another…we have this work to do, you’re too old for a babysitter, you’re getting to be a man, you’re expected to do some of it. Lean on that recognition that this is expected not because you are a parent, but because you recognize (as a high school teacher might) that he is getting to be an adult, and needs to expect himself to act like one, or have his fellow adults call him on it. We don’t just -bang!- learn how to act like an adult. We start when we’re younger and we gradually get the hang of it. So make this into training him to be a college man or a working man with a home of his own, not that he’s some little kid that you’re ordering around.

 

[Becca3]

Even if your MIL were totally willing to enforce all of your rule, I’d encourage her to bend them as she sees fit once in awhile, in order to give her that special place a grandmother has. I used to say “children give a family its life, parents give it structure, and grandparents give it perspective.” You’re letting her have a place that she could not have if she had been left to raise the grandchildren herself. You can work around her; the trick is to show gratitude for her presence in the house as the mother of your husband and the grandmother of your step-son. In other words, she gets her way by your choice to show her deference, not over your objections.

Still, you can relate to your step-son not as his mother, but as an adult roommate in the house he’s living in. IOW, you can relate as one adult to another…we have this work to do, you’re too old for a babysitter, you’re getting to be a man, you’re expected to do some of it. Lean on that recognition that this is expected not because you are a parent, but because you recognize (as a high school teacher might) that he is getting to be an adult, and needs to expect himself to act like one, or have his fellow adults call him on it. We don’t just -bang!- learn how to act like an adult. We start when we’re younger and we gradually get the hang of it. So make this into training him to be a college man or a working man with a home of his own, not that he’s some little kid that you’re ordering around.

Yeah, ask him if thinks about girls at all, and about possibly getting married? Then have him practice being an adult preparing him for that step to be a good husband and father. That very well be the incentive for him to become more responsible around the house.

 

[Back2Basics]

Even if your MIL were totally willing to enforce all of your rule, I’d encourage her to bend them as she sees fit once in awhile, in order to give her that special place a grandmother has. I used to say “children give a family its life, parents give it structure, and grandparents give it perspective.” You’re letting her have a place that she could not have if she had been left to raise the grandchildren herself.

Still, you can relate to your step-son not as his mother, but as an adult roommate in the house he’s living in. IOW, you can relate as one adult to another…we have this work to do, you’re too old for a babysitter, you’re getting to be a man, you’re expected to do some of it. Lean on that recognition that this is expected not because you are a parent, but because you recognize (as a high school teacher might) that he is getting to be an adult, and needs to expect himself to act like one, or have his fellow adults call him on it. We don’t just -bang!- learn how to act like an adult. We start when we’re younger and we gradually get the hang of it. So make this into training him to be a college man or a working man with a home of his own, not that he’s some little kid that you’re ordering around.

I’d be happy if she’d enforce some and bend some, like you say. Or even bend occasionally, but she doesn’t allow any rules in the house. At all. The rules she does create are not enforced, and when it gets to be too much for her she hides out, or begins yelling at everyone herself, well after it’s too late to remedy whatever situation is getting on her nerves.
I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that last part, though. Slightly confused.

 

[Back2Basics]

Yeah, ask him if thinks about girls at all, and about possibly getting married? Then have him practice being an adult preparing him for that step to be a good husband and father. That very well be the incentive for him to become more responsible around the house.

Heh, Becca, I know he does. He spent an entire weekend splitting his time between texting some girl at his school and… wait for it… playing video games… but he vehemently denies “liking” anyone in that way… I think he sees me as enough of a parent to have that tinge of embarrassment there when it’s mentioned.

 

[Becca3]

Heh, Becca, I know he does. He spent an entire weekend splitting his time between texting some girl at his school and… wait for it… playing video games… but he vehemently denies “liking” anyone in that way… I think he sees me as enough of a parent to have that tinge of embarrassment there when it’s mentioned.

Well, there you go! Ask him this: Do you want to invite this girl over for dinner? If so, would you want her to see your place like this?? Do you want her to see you dressed up like that?? Etc… I think it could work.

 

[KCT]

Stop setting up the cot for him and stop buying the foods he likes.

 

[Back2Basics]

Well, there you go! Ask him this: Do you want to invite this girl over for dinner? If so, would you want her to see your place like this?? Do you want her to see you dressed up like that?? Etc… I think it could work.

Could work; don’t see how considering his vehement denials of actually liking someone.

 

[Becca3]

Could work; don’t see how considering his vehement denials of actually liking someone.

Just try it! And let him think about it.

 

[Back2Basics]

Just try it! And let him think about it.

I will, if I can get a word in with him.

 

[Becca3]

I will, if I can get a word in with him.

Yes, you will. He will listen. Tell him about your dating days too. Tho, as a teen, he might be disgusted with the idea that adults were once kids and dating and all that.

 

[Back2Basics]

Yes, you will. He will listen. Tell him about your dating days too. Tho, as a teen, he might be disgusted with the idea that adults were once kids and dating and all that.

The scary thing is, I’m not that much older than him; I’m only 26. On that particular note it may actually be easier for me than for his birth parents. Dad is 32, I think his mom’s even older?

 

[Becca3]

The scary thing is, I’m not that much older than him; I’m only 26. On that particular note it may actually be easier for me than for his birth parents. Dad is 32, I think his mom’s even older?

No, he still needs to think you are still adult. No matter how young you are. Yes, it might be easier. On that note, maybe you can regale him with your dating stories when you were his age and how you had to be responsible too.

 

[Back2Basics]

No, he still needs to think you are still adult. No matter how young you are. Yes, it might be easier. On that note, maybe you can regale him with your dating stories when you were his age and how you had to be responsible too.

That’s exactly what I meant. I’m still an adult; I still (am supposed to) help make the rules, but the lesser age difference and having come “from the outside” may make it less “Eww, gross!” and “But that was ages ago” and more “Oh, really?”

 

[Becca3]

Yes, very true. So, try those tactics with him. lol

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You need to find a way for him to have his own room. He is 15 and he needs space and privacy, that’s part of growing up. If one of the younger kids has to give up their room and sleep in the living room, so be it. Having a 15 year old in the living room is just a bad idea. There is no dignity in that and he will not feel like a part of the family until he is treated like more than an inconvenient guest. He’s more likely to help out if he feels like it’s really a home to him. His cot gets put away in the morning? Yeah, he’s resentful, and he probably won’t help you with that chore.

Secondly, it seems like you came into the picture pretty late in his life. That means that you will never be a parent, and trying to do so will just harm your family. You can and should be a respected adult whose authority he heeds to, but you will never be a parent.

Third, don’t worry about the food. 15 year old boys are VERY hungry and they put a lot away. Buy store brand to make up the difference.

 

[Back2Basics]

You need to find a way for him to have his own room. He is 15 and he needs space and privacy, that’s part of growing up. If one of the younger kids has to give up their room and sleep in the living room, so be it. Having a 15 year old in the living room is just a bad idea. There is no dignity in that and he will not feel like a part of the family until he is treated like more than an inconvenient guest. He’s more likely to help out if he feels like it’s really a home to him. His cot gets put away in the morning? Yeah, he’s resentful, and he probably won’t help you with that chore.

Secondly, it seems like you came into the picture pretty late in his life. That means that you will never be a parent, and trying to do so will just harm your family. You can and should be a respected adult whose authority he heeds to, but you will never be a parent.

Third, don’t worry about the food. 15 year old boys are VERY hungry and they put a lot away. Buy store brand to make up the difference.

He had a room, he and his sister each had one. He gave up said room because it was too stuffy for him. What else were we to do at that point? If he resents giving up his own room, he should have spoken up; we are not the kind of household that does not take the children’s opinions into account. The youngest originally did not have a room, and slept in an alcove off of the family room. We simply do not have enough rooms for everyone to have their own room and the boys refuse to share. My stepdaughter is the only female, so again, what else are we to do?

I wasn’t worried about the food in and of itself, but the hoarding and refusal to share said food with anyone, including adults. I know teenaged boys eat a lot of food; I hung around with mostly boys when I was his age.

 

[1ke]

The behavior is just a symptom of the larger family dynamics in play here.

This is, at its root, an issue between your husband and his mother. It is up to him to take the bull by the horns and change the situation.

The secondary issue is that you state you live with her (not the other way around). It is her house. She is therefore lording it over the rest of you, manipulating, controlling, and undermining. While you knew this going in, it is clearly way past time that you and your husband make a change and put an end to this dysfunctional living arrangement.

Short of that-- you aren’t going to change **anyone **in that household except yourself. So, you should start working on ignoring it all unless your DH is willing to confront what seem to be some seriously unresolved dynamics and control issues between him and his mother.