Whether or not to share sexual falls with spouse?

[jinminn]

Wow! I haven’t checked back on this topic in quite a while and was so surprised that people have continued discussing. I’m very grateful for all of your posts. I will definitely be pondering this subject more.

I still have not told her about my fall and do not really think of it either. Definitely in the first few days I thought of it a lot when around her, but that has passed.

I can see both sides of the arguments, and many of you worded them extremely well. There seem to be two issues at hand in the arguments laid out, namely (if I were to categorize them): the gravity of the sin and the relationship between complete honesty and the oneness of the relationship.

For example, several arguments have centered around the difference between a one-time fall and a habitual addiction. This connects the gravity with the resultant decision.

Also, several arguments center around complete honesty being directly proportional to marital unity. This connects the desire to be one/united with the resultant decision.

I would much appreciate continued discussion about this and am interested to see how my own mind, heart, and soul wrestles with this topic. I am not beyond changing my stance. I will offer a few counter-points/comments so some of the posts:

• Re. tell my confessor because only he knows me, my wife, the effect of these things on my wife, etc. and therefore don’t ask people on the internet… I would not say that is true. I go to the same parish for confession (generally) but that does not guarantee the same confessor, nor guarantee that he knows me regularly. I generally go behind the screen. This could be an entirely different discussion on the value of having a face-to-face confessor who knows me and knows my wife. Right now, none exists who fits that description so I think that flesh and blood lay people (especially married men/women) are the best resource I have in this discussion. I’ve only been married 21 months, so a wonderful forum filled with Catholics who are striving to be holy and who have been married much longer than me (at least in many, many cases) is the best resource I can think of. It’s up to me to apply their comments to my particular relationship. I could definitely ask a trusted older married set of men. It’s a bit humbling, but I would find that more helpful than asking a priest who does not know me, frankly.
• Re. tell my wife because we are ONE and I have already hurt her whether I tell her or not. I could definitely see this point and there is a great desire in me at times to tell her so that I will not have anything that I have never told her… except… there will always be things I/we have not told our spouses. As I thought about this argument, I started extending it to lust, for those who have lusted in their hearts have already committed adultery. So… should my wife tell me every time she thinks another guy is attractive or has a fantasy? Should I tell my wife every time I take more than one look at another attractive woman? I know my call to be holy and to have my eyes be for her and her alone… so should I make it my battle to deal with my temptations or subject her to knowing the actual innards of a man’s brain and how many times I actually look at another woman even if right after I correct myself? I hear your point, but could see the application of your suggestion getting fairly difficult to practice if one were to do it.
• Re. would I want my wife to tell me if she cheated on me. Yes. This might connect to the gravity-of-the-sin dynamic, but I would definitely want to know. I would tell my wife if I cheated on her. I can’t see something that grave being hidden in my mind while still continuing a ‘good marriage’. I think this is also partially because a heck of a lot (at least in my estimation) has to be going poorly before this would happen. There is a significant amount of growing apart, finding someone who is willing to have an affair, hiding where one is going and what one is doing, etc. to make an affair happen. My guess is that they don’t happen out of the blue. If we had grown to a level where an affair began to be an option for either of us and one of us went through with it, if and when we reconciled and mended our marriage, I think it should come into the open.

Those were the main comments I wanted to respond to. Thank you for taking the time and energy to continue this discussion! This was my first post and I have found this forum priceless already since it brings together so many opinions.

Thanks again!!
J