Which parent was right?

[savienu]

I think the Dad was right, ESPECIALLY because it was a boy, and he’s a man, and I think it would have a lot more impact to hear a MAN talk to you about being a gentleman than a woman. I understand the suspicion necessary nowadays (although I find it sad), but the mother was at the park, it’s not like the Dad could have gotten away with a whole lot. PLUS he had children there of his own, and was there with his wife. That would automatically make me less suspicious.
Brenda, I sympathize with your situation with your daughter, and I do think in that situation the mother was out of line and just being a busybody know-it-all. But your daughter’s silence is not the same thing as a little boy cursing, y’know?
I see it already, the lack of parenting, at some of the playgroups I bring my son too. There is one boy there, I think a few months younger than my son, who is rude and disruptive and the mother does NOTHING about it, except maybe say his name every now and then. Well, I’m usually not the type to “parent someone else’s kid” but when this kid is wrestling my child to the ground trying to steal the toy he has, well, I finally spoke up to this boy, and I will continue to do so, since obviously his mother is not interested in doing it. It sounds really judgmental when I say it like that, and she does bring her baby with her to these groups as well, but I really do believe that one needs to have control over their children, especially if you know they have problems with ripping toys out of people’s hands.

 

[mommybug47]

“You’re absolutely right ma’m. I shouldn’t have to parent your son. Why don’t you teach him that cursing in public is wrong?”

Absolutely! Though I cant say I would have been so gentle about it!

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I woudl have found compromise between the dad and brenda. (who both have points, imo)

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I would have gone all passive aggressive… and just said loudly to MY child, but to where you can bet the boy and his mother could hear, “OMGoodness, someone needs to learn to watch their mouth!”

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If she didn’t like it and approachedme saying “How dare I” blarney…

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If she’s going to teach her son it’s okay to be disrespectful, she needs to know she’s creating a teaching moment for the rest of us parents to say, "That is how NOT to speak unless you want a soapy mouth."

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If I was in a really cranky mood, I might even thank her for the lesson.

 

[Brenda_V]

Okay, let me tell the story from the mom’s point of view and let’s see how it works out:

"Mom: Can you believe it? Here I went to the park with John and while I was setting up our lunch I turn around to see if he is okay and there is this man telling him off! Can you believe it? You know I knew something was wrong when I heard this man scolding my son. I have no idea what happened, I had my back to them so when I went over there to see what was going on this man continues to scold my son, he doesn’t tell me what is wrong until I confront him so I tell him to please let me know so I can parent my child! "

Sheesh, the gall of some people. You know it would have been different had I not been there but I was right there, that man could have asked for me and I could have come and corrected my son.

Truthfully, the mom could have been situated so that she did not hear what her son said even if those in front of him could. Do you get it now?

BTW, perverts come in all sizes and types, dads out with their wives and children, creepy looking people, religious, teachers etc. So, no I would have been like that mom. I may have also then corrected my son once I found out what had happened but still, it would have really bothered me that this man thought he should correct my son when I was right there close enough to be brought over to take care of it.

Brenda V.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Brenda, I think the woman who chewed out your daughter was definitely wrong. I don’t really see a lot of similarity between the two situations.

In the first situation, there is a common rule of conduct in society and in school that we don’t use bad language. Or, if we do, we say it under our breath and do not offend others who might hear it. And, if we do slip, we apologize. My DH was at one of my daughter’s games and was on the sidelines and he started cussing up a storm. Not at anyone specifically, just the way that some men do in a wrong way when they’re watching sports. A woman next to him asked him to please watch his mouth in front of her children, and he profusely apologized for his bad behavior. It was very embarrassing to me, and I was not happy with it. But, that’s a rule of conduct. Right and wrong behavior. I don’t have any boys, but I would not have cared if it were my DS or DH who was reprimanded in that situation, because the woman who told him to watch his mouth was right.

Your daughter, on the other hand, was chewed out for a perceived social slight. Not something real, something perceived. Your daughter didn’t engage in bad conduct. What that mother did was over-react and get involved in something that was not her business to begin with. If that were my daughter, I would have said, “don’t take it personally, call her later and see if anything is wrong”.

I also feel bad for the poster who was cussed out because she asked a toddler to stop spinning a jewelry case. That’s just crazy. I mean, out of this world crazy. What does that teach that child about how to interact with the public?

 

[PaulinVA]

Brenda, trying not to be sexist, but no man is ever going to walk over to a woman and whine to her that her son is cussing and she should make him stop.

There is no need. A simple “Cut that out.” is sufficient. If the child has been raised in a family where cussin is entirely acceptable, well, the child has just learned that it’s not *really *acceptable in public. If it’s another man cussing, a simple, “Dude, my kids are here” is usually sufficient.

Besides, what mother wouldn’t defend her son against some stranger, no matter what the accusation?

 

[SophieG]

The dad was right!

Physical correction and verbal correction are two different things. This situation was resolved nicely with verbal correction. My personal opinion is that it is ok for adults to correct children verbally if the parent is not doing something immediately. I do not agree with physical correction by adults other than a parent or caregiver with express permission. (I separate the two because generally in my family if it’s ok for someone to correct a child verbally, it’s naturally assumed that it’s ok for someone to correct a child physically too and I do not agree with that because some family members are far too liberal with their idea of a spankable offense).

I would add, though, that you may physically correct a child by stopping his behavior under some circumstances. For example, if an 8yo is beating up on your 2yo, you have every right to pull him away, although not to smack him.

 

[SMHW]

Brenda, I get what you are saying. And I don’t blame that mother one bit for running over in enraged mama-bear mode in order to protect her son. And frankly I don’t blame her for her comment to the man.

But I still think the father did the right thing in protecting his daughter.

While I agree that it is generally best to allow the parent to offer correction, in this case the mother wasn’t “right there”. We don’t know if the man even really knew she was the boy’s mother. The example you gave in the other post about your daughter was different from this situation because the “offense” your daughter supposedly committed was a lack of action. (Let’s face it. This was a minor female snit thing that frankly I consider an embarrassment to my gender. But that’s another topic.) The boy committed a outwardly aggressive attack with his words (regardless of whether or not he intended them that way). (In fact, the boys offense was closer to the mother’s in your example.)

It’s kind of like this boy was swinging a baseball bat around while he was too close to other children. This is not an occasion to wait for some other authority, whether it’s the mother or the ranger; it’s time to stop the boy NOW because he’s endangering others.

I’ll repeat what I said in my other post. I don’t believe it’s wrong for an adult to speak to a child in a public place. If this is the case, then the father had every right to offer a man-to-man piece of advice to this boy. And that’s what it was: a man to man correction. It wasn’t a correction that a mother can really even give.

Again, I completely understand the mother’s POV. She’s a mother! But I also think that once she calmed down and had taken her son out of the situation she should have ripped into him and told him the man in the park was absolutely correct.

 

[HarmonyN20]

Being a mom, I can’t say that I would not have jumped in to defend my child if I thought he was threatened. That said, my husband would have done the same thing as the dad and been well within his rights to do so. I don’t take it so much that the dad was trying to ‘parent’ the other child as protecting his own.

As for the mother’s reaction, I can honestly see where she is coming from, sadly enough, in this day and time, a strange man striking up a conversation (much less scolding) a child may raise suspicion (and hackles on protective mama-bear types ). However, if I had been the mom, I would have walked over and asked what the problem was, and after hearing it, would have thanked the man and handled it myself.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Brenda, trying not to be sexist, but no man is ever going to walk over to a woman and whine to her that her son is cussing and she should make him stop.

I agree. Well my dh might point out that her boy has some seriously rude mouth on him. Yeah, I can totally see my dh saying that.

There is no need. A simple “Cut that out.” is sufficient. If the child has been raised in a family where cussin is entirely acceptable, well, the child has just learned that it’s not *really *acceptable in public. If it’s another man cussing, a simple, “Dude, my kids are here” is usually sufficient.

I agree.

Besides, what mother wouldn’t defend her son against some stranger, no matter what the accusation?

** huh? I guess I’m that kind of mother. Yes, I will always defend as in protect my children, but no if a man or woman walked up to me and said my son was cussing - I’d deal with it pronto. Now, I might not deal with it the way the accuser thinks I should or how they would, but that’s my parental perrogative.**

It’s kind of like this boy was swinging a baseball bat around while he was too close to other children. This is not an occasion to wait for some other authority, whether it’s the mother or the ranger; it’s time to stop the boy NOW because he’s endangering others.

okay, that’s a little much. No one was going to end up with a bloody concussion over a cuss word.

I’ll repeat what I said in my other post. I don’t believe it’s wrong for an adult to speak to a child in a public place. If this is the case, then the father had every right to offer a man-to-man piece of advice to this boy. And that’s what it was: a man to man correction.

Nope. No one has a right to anything with MY kids, much less to take it upon themselves to have “man-to-man” talks with my boys.

It wasn’t a correction that a mother can really even give.

**that’s just blarney. a woman can absolutely correct a boy on this. **

I also think that once she calmed down and had taken her son out of the situation she should have ripped into him and told him the man in the park was absolutely correct.

maybe she did? who knows what she did later? no one here for sure.

 

[SMHW]

Rob’s Wife, normally I agree with you and in a way I agree with what you say here. But I also differ.

okay, that’s a little much. No one was going to end up with a bloody concussion over a cuss word.

OK, the bat example was pushing the limit. But I still think this is the case where the situation needs to be addressed immediately because I think the shock value of the correction was perhaps more significant than the words used in the correction.

Nope. No one has a right to anything with MY kids, much less to take it upon themselves to have “man-to-man” talks with my boys.

And that’s the mama bear in you, reacting just as the mama bear in you should.

**that’s just blarney. a woman can absolutely correct a boy on this. **

Of course a woman can say something. But IMO, this is a lesson on how to be a man. A woman can TELL a boy how to be a man but only a man can MODEL how to be a man. The father’s point was that men should behave in a way around woman and children which is distinct from the behavior in an all male environment. I concur. There was a time when the feminist in me thought that was crazy. People should behave the same way with anyone. But I’ve changed my mind over the years. Men (and boys) *need *to be different from women. It takes a man to show a boy how to be different from women while still coexisting harmoniously with them.

maybe she did? who knows what she did later? no one here for sure.

Agreed.

 

[Brenda_V]

I woudl have found compromise between the dad and brenda. (who both have points, imo)

I would have gone all passive aggressive… and just said loudly to MY child, but to where you can bet the boy and his mother could hear, “OMGoodness, someone needs to learn to watch their mouth!”

If she didn’t like it and approachedme saying “How dare I” blarney…

If she’s going to teach her son it’s okay to be disrespectful, she needs to know she’s creating a teaching moment for the rest of us parents to say, "That is how NOT to speak unless you want a soapy mouth."

If I was in a really cranky mood, I might even thank her for the lesson.

Now see, that would have given the mom an opportunity to see what was going on. (We must have been cross posting there).

Brenda V.

 

[savienu]

Brenda, I get what you are saying. And I don’t blame that mother one bit for running over in enraged mama-bear mode in order to protect her son. And frankly I don’t blame her for her comment to the man.

But I still think the father did the right thing in protecting his daughter.

While I agree that it is generally best to allow the parent to offer correction, in this case the mother wasn’t “right there”. We don’t know if the man even really knew she was the boy’s mother. The example you gave in the other post about your daughter was different from this situation because the “offense” your daughter supposedly committed was a lack of action. (Let’s face it. This was a minor female snit thing that frankly I consider an embarrassment to my gender. But that’s another topic.) The boy committed a outwardly aggressive attack with his words (regardless of whether or not he intended them that way). (In fact, the boys offense was closer to the mother’s in your example.)

It’s kind of like this boy was swinging a baseball bat around while he was too close to other children. This is not an occasion to wait for some other authority, whether it’s the mother or the ranger; it’s time to stop the boy NOW because he’s endangering others.

I’ll repeat what I said in my other post. I don’t believe it’s wrong for an adult to speak to a child in a public place. If this is the case, then the father had every right to offer a man-to-man piece of advice to this boy. And that’s what it was: a man to man correction. It wasn’t a correction that a mother can really even give.

Again, I completely understand the mother’s POV. She’s a mother! But I also think that once she calmed down and had taken her son out of the situation she should have ripped into him and told him the man in the park was absolutely correct.

 

[lovemybatman]

I agree that the dad was not at fault, but… “The woman is the mother of a future felon”? Just because of one incident in which one curse word was used? Isn’t that a bit overboard? Since when does a child using one curse word (appalling and uncomfortable as that must have been to hear) classify that child as a “future felon”?