White Lies

[Awake]

I understand why it is sinful to lie, but I can’t quite grasp why it is sinful to tell white lies to prevent people from getting upset. Here’s some examples:

-Telling a self-conscious girl that she looks pretty today, even though you don’t find her attractive.
-Telling a child that you love his drawing, even though it’s really not good.
-Telling a friend the meal they cooked for you was delicious, even though you thought it was just okay.
-Telling a retiring coworker that it has been a pleasure working with them, even though they’ve been quite unpleasant throughout the years.
-Telling your wife that she doesn’t look fat, even though she does look a bit chunky.

I’m sure you’ve all told similar lies in order to keep people happy. It’s not that you’re deliberately deceiving them, you just care about them enough that you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

So what is the appropriate response? A friend spends hours cooking a nice meal for you and then proudly serves it. He/she asks if you like it and you don’t. Is it better to say “no, it doesn’t taste good”, or “yes, it’s delicious”? Somehow, I have a hard time picturing Jesus saying the former.

 

[jrabs]

So what is the appropriate response? A friend spends hours cooking a nice meal for you and then proudly serves it. He/she asks if you like it and you don’t. Is it better to say “no, it doesn’t taste good”, or “yes, it’s delicious”? Somehow, I have a hard time picturing Jesus saying the former.

In your example above of someone going out of their way to cook for you, would you rather be rude?
There are things one could say that would show appreciation for the meal, the gesture, the amount of time put into preparing such a meal.

As a response, you can say how much you appreciated the dinner invitation. Gush on about what a kind gesture it was to cook the meal. Comment on how perfect the wine pairing selection was for the food. Comment on how great it is to be together for a meal.
A tactful response to show your appreciation is warranted - even when the meal is not quite to your liking.

You could even say something like, wow - to show my gratitude, next time dinner is MY treat!

 

[Awake]

In your example above of someone going out of their way to cook for you, would you rather be rude?
There are things one could say that would show appreciation for the meal, the gesture, the amount of time put into preparing such a meal.

As a response, you can say how much you appreciated the dinner invitation. Gush on about what a kind gesture it was to cook the meal. Comment on how perfect the wine pairing selection was for the food. Comment on how great it is to be together for a meal.
A tactful response to show your appreciation is warranted - even when the meal is not quite to your liking.

You could even say something like, wow - to show my gratitude, next time dinner is MY treat!

But what if they come out and directly ask you if you liked the steak. Then what do you say? If you avoid the question by saying how you appreciate them inviting you over, they’ll realize you didn’t like their meal and might be a bit upset.

You can only get around the topic so much. If a friend is down on herself and says something like “I’m so ugly”, the only thing to make her feel better is if you say “No you’re not, you’re very pretty.” Anything else you could do, such as say nothing at all or change the subject, she would recognize that you’re silently confirming that she’s ugly.

 

[mercygate]

But what if they come out and directly ask you if you liked the steak. Then what do you say? If you avoid the question by saying how you appreciate them inviting you over, they’ll realize you didn’t like their meal and might be a bit upset.

You can only get around the topic so much. If a friend is down on herself and says something like “I’m so ugly”, the only thing to make her feel better is if you say “No you’re not, you’re very pretty.” Anything else you could do, such as say nothing at all or change the subject, she would recognize that you’re silently confirming that she’s ugly.

Disingenuous questions do not merit straightforward answers.

You could respond to the girl who says “I’m ugly” with the question, “Why would you say a thing like that?”

The person who solicits a compliment on a mediocre steak could get an answer like, “Julie, I was just going to ask you how you DID that!”

Jesus deflected disingenuous questions all the time.

 

[Awake]

Disingenuous questions do not merit straightforward answers.

You could respond to the girl who says “I’m ugly” with the question, “Why would you say a thing like that?”

The person who solicits a compliment on a mediocre steak could get an answer like, “Julie, I was just going to ask you how you DID that!”

Jesus deflected disingenuous questions all the time.

I wouldn’t consider them to be disingenuous questions. A child who asks if you like their drawing is asking an honest question. Even though you might think it’s really bad, you could really hurt the child’s feeling if you didn’t say you liked it.

 

[mercygate]

I wouldn’t consider them to be disingenuous questions. A child who asks if you like their drawing is asking an honest question. Even though you might think it’s really bad, you could really hurt the child’s feeling if you didn’t say you liked it.

But if it is a little child, and he drew it for you, how could you not say: I LOVE it! and mean it. If all you are looking at is the quality of the art, then you are missing the point.

Now, I know a 17-year-old kid, who think’s he’s Mario Lanza but actually has a pretty limited vocal instrument. What can we say? In appreciation of his enthusiasm for opera, I have been heard to say, “I have never heard anything LIKE that from a 17-year-old!” Which, of course, is perfectly true.

 

[nannygirl]

But what if they come out and directly ask you if you liked the steak. Then what do you say? If you avoid the question by saying how you appreciate them inviting you over, they’ll realize you didn’t like their meal and might be a bit upset.

You can only get around the topic so much. If a friend is down on herself and says something like “I’m so ugly”, the only thing to make her feel better is if you say “No you’re not, you’re very pretty.” Anything else you could do, such as say nothing at all or change the subject, she would recognize that you’re silently confirming that she’s ugly.

A gracious host is not going to grill you about whether or not you liked their meal. If they do, they are just fishing for compliments, which shows they are a little needy. Make them happy and give them what they need.

Someone once broke me of the awful habit of saying “I’m so ugly” by saying that self-pity was uglier. I am grateful. Sometimes the truth is best, but sometimes if the person is mentally unbalanced or frail, just tell them what they need to hear if it is something superficial.

 

[mercygate]

A gracious host is not going to grill you about whether or not you liked their meal. If they do, they are just fishing for compliments, which shows they are a little needy. Make them happy and give them what they need.

Someone once broke me of the awful habit of saying “I’m so ugly” by saying that self-pity was uglier. I am grateful. Sometimes the truth is best, but sometimes if the person is mentally unbalanced or frail, just tell them what they need to hear if it is something superficial.

Good counsel.

 

[jrabs]

But if it is a little child, and he drew it for you, how could you not say: I LOVE it! and mean it. If all you are looking at is the quality of the art, then you are missing the point.

I completely agree. Anything a small child draws has beauty all it’s own.
Sometimes we need to comment on the beauty of the person doing the drawing, the cooking or the asking and comment appropriately toward the effort that was made .

 

[jrabs]

But what if they come out and directly ask you if you liked the steak. Then what do you say? If you avoid the question by saying how you appreciate them inviting you over, they’ll realize you didn’t like their meal and might be a bit upset.

You can only get around the topic so much. If a friend is down on herself and says something like “I’m so ugly”, the only thing to make her feel better is if you say “No you’re not, you’re very pretty.” Anything else you could do, such as say nothing at all or change the subject, she would recognize that you’re silently confirming that she’s ugly.

No - not true. There are a zillion responses you can come up with to affirm someone without lying , being rude or hurting feelings. There is much good to be found if you look for the good.

Someone that thinks she is ugly - and I LOVE Nannygirl’s post - may have great hair - a great figure, great skills. Instead of saying, no you are pretty, you could say something that accents a positive. Like, you’re kidding me! You have fabulous taste in clothing that make you look smart and confident.

You could tell them what a beautiful person they are as a complete package.

Why would you tell a wife that she is fat in those jeans? Is there nothing kind and loving we could say instead? Rude.

Come one - let’s be positive and creative and look for the good in people - and yes…especially a tiny child’s drawing

 

[mercygate]

Why would you tell a wife that she is fat in those jeans? Is there nothing kind and loving we could say instead? Rude.

Such as . . . “Your black slacks make you look more stylish.”

 

[Ted_in_Charlott]

1)-Telling a self-conscious girl that she looks pretty today, even though you don’t find her attractive.
2)-Telling a child that you love his drawing, even though it’s really not good.
3)-Telling a friend the meal they cooked for you was delicious, even though you thought it was just okay.
4)-Telling a retiring coworker that it has been a pleasure working with them, even though they’ve been quite unpleasant throughout the years.
5)-Telling your wife that she doesn’t look fat, even though she does look a bit chunky.

No need to lie in any of these circumstances:

1. Everyone has at least one pretty characteristic. Focus on that and it is not a lie. Tell her you like her hair, perfume, dress, whatever.
2. Focus on the smallest part of the drawing and I am sure you say something positive. With children it is very important to help them learn and compliment progress.
3. Say the meal was good because it was hot, cool, smelled good, find something specific “good” to say.
4. Tell him best of luck and may God bless him. No need to dwell on the past.
5. If you intentionally avoid helping your wife to avoid obesity then you are contributing to her poor health. If you think the dress is ugly, just say something like “I like the red one it makes you look sexy, or I like the green one, it makes your eyes glow”.

Wanting to compliment someone with a lie is shallow and requires no effort. Show an interest in someone and try to find something truly positive to say. By being genuine and truthful you show the love of God. Flattery for flattery’s sake is vanity and pride.

Now, if pressured by someone then follow-up with the truth.

Here are the possibilities:

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Husband a) Yes, you really need to go to the gym.
b) Yes, try something else honey and by the way who ate the rest of the ice cream, I just bought it yesterday?
c) I like this better honey, it compliments your beautiful hair/eyes
d) No honey I think it compliments your Michelin Man figure.

c) Sounds best to me and still isn’t a lie. If pressed on that dress, you might try a version of a) like : I heard they are doing colesterol screenings at the YMCA today for free, want to go?

 

[jrabs]

Such as . . . “Your black slacks make you look more stylish.”

Yep exactly. Or how about,"Honey, you picked a great top to match. "

When I ask that age old question…and almost every woman will ask that question or a foul equivalent, my husband has a great way with smiling and saying he loves me. And that is really all I am seeking.

 

[puzzleannie]

solution is to look for a positive comment or response you can make that is not an outright lie.

Rather than say, You look beautiful in that dress
say, love the dress, it is a beautiful color

Rather than say, Your drawing is excellent
say, Tell me about your drawing, honey.

Rather than say, The meal was delicious
Say, thank you, veal is one of my favorite foods.

or just say, thank you.

there is one instance where the Pope (if he was married) would certainly give a blanket dispensation to lie:

Honey, do these pants make me look fat?

 

[sawman]

For adults, try this; words cannot express how I feel about_____!
For little kids;You made this for me? I’m gonna hang this up on the frigerater!!!

 

[sawman]

Words cannot express the depths of my emotions…

Are you sure your an amature?

 

[Athanasiy]

Of course if you lie to the other person , it effects his/her ability to know and to hear the truth.

But some times what you can think as a white lie , in reality can be the courtesy and the sign of good manners.

In our life , there is also the truth which you can not reveal to others.

No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it.

In the sphere of political office holders , in the army , in medicine among the medical workers , also among the lawyers there are some professional secretes .

Also when people are coming to the confessor , and the clergyman does not reveal their secrets even when they committed some deadly sins or crimes .

Some times the journalists in the pursuit of truth interfere in the private life of persons engaged in political or public activity , and some times saying in public the truth , but the truth with the extent that infringes someones privacy and freedom.

 

[mark_a]

I understand why it is sinful to lie, but I can’t quite grasp why it is sinful to tell white lies to prevent people from getting upset. Here’s some examples:

-Telling a self-conscious girl that she looks pretty today, even though you don’t find her attractive.
-Telling a child that you love his drawing, even though it’s really not good.
-Telling a friend the meal they cooked for you was delicious, even though you thought it was just okay.
-Telling a retiring coworker that it has been a pleasure working with them, even though they’ve been quite unpleasant throughout the years.
-Telling your wife that she doesn’t look fat, even though she does look a bit chunky.

I’m sure you’ve all told similar lies in order to keep people happy. It’s not that you’re deliberately deceiving them, you just care about them enough that you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

So what is the appropriate response? A friend spends hours cooking a nice meal for you and then proudly serves it. He/she asks if you like it and you don’t. Is it better to say “no, it doesn’t taste good”, or “yes, it’s delicious”? Somehow, I have a hard time picturing Jesus saying the former.

I will continue with my little white lies that are an effort to keep from hurting someone’s feelings. I just am not quick enough on my toes to come up with some of the suggestions others have pointed out.

I will however, make more of an effort not to be silent when I should speak up. I have often remained silent when an aquaintence badmouths an entire race or nationality.

This is much worse, in my opinion, than the white lies you are speaking of.

Shame on me.