"White" lies????

[KathyA]

Is there such a thing?

Here’s the situation. My dad is in a nursing home about 70 miles away due to a stroke he suffered 3 years ago. Mentally, he is pretty with it, but is confined to a wheelchair and has no use of his left hand. My brother and I share decision making responsibilities on Dad’s behalf. He is 78 years old.

Dad had a large utility trailer stored at a local business. It’s been there for at least 3 years, unused. This weekend, my cousin called and asked if her family could borrow it to gather wood for the winter. My memory was that she had this agreement with my dad in the past, so I didn’t hesitate to say yes. She had to pay to have the trailer licensed. Once she picked up the trailer, she noticed that it had been damaged (the elements? vandals?). She called to advise me and said that they would be happy to make the repairs. The trailer is nothing that I want or would ever use. I intended to talk to my brother about just giving them the trailer someday.

Now, Dad has not even mentioned this trailer since his stroke. He called today to say that he had lined up a buyer for it and wanted to know if my husband would be willing to show it to the guy. I gave Dad the rundown on my cousin borrowing it, to which he said “I hate to loan things out because people don’t take care of them.” This was surprising, because I know he has loaned many things in the past with no adverse consequences. Anyway, I asked him what he wanted me to tell my cousin and he basically said that he didn’t care, but he would like to sell it since he has an opportunity.

I called my brother with the situation and we agreed that we would tell Dad that our cousin had offered to buy it for $800 (although no money would change hands). It seemed like an easy resolution to a situation that could have resulted in a lot of hurt feelings in the family.

However, I feel guilty when I do this. It seems like I am always telling little “white” lies to protect my dad from things that I think only cause him worry. If he had any idea about the reality of his circumstance, he would give up entirely.

So, is this right or wrong? And if it’s wrong, I presume I need to reserve the afternoon for confession!

Kathy

 

[SacredHeartFan]

i am interested to see the results of this. I have often wondered about this although most of the time I just speak my mind. If it is wrong I need about a three hour confession!

 

[MCGar]

I’m not sure if I’m bypassing the topic of white lies in general, but it seems to me that you might be creating a problem where there isn’t any problem to begin with.

First your father said he didn’t care, but he would like to sell the trailer when he has the chance.

You have a choice, take him at his word that he doesn’t care. Let your cousin borrow it for the winter and then seek out a buyer for it yourself (after the winter). Let your dad know that you will do your best to find a good price for it since he missed out on this sale.

Or go to your cousin. Let her know that you lent out your dad’s trailer without permission and he has a buyer for it. Reimburse her for the cost of what she paid to fix it up and license it (since you loaned it out without permission).

It sort of looks like you have sort of put yourself in the position of authority of your father’s things. Maybe instead of loaning his things out and offering to give them away you should talk to your father about what he wants to do with his things first.

Please don’t be offended, more than likely you’ve become the default caretaker of his property because he’s in a nursing home. You are taking care of his things and doing what you think is best for him. But there needs to be a little more discussion with him with exactly how the process of your caretaking is going to go.
Do you need to update him a little more on what you are doing with his things (put in storage, donating a few things, etc.) or would he like to go ahead and detail a list of what you should do. (Sell this, keep this, let me think about that)

I don’t think you should be lying about $800 dollars, there is really no need and puts your cousin at an extreme disadvantage because she is sort of being used to cover up your tracks so to speak.

 

[monicatholic]

blessings! that 70 mile trip has gotta get tedious for you.

you should talk to your father about what he wants to do with his things

my 70 year old mother has taken precisely this approach with her 90 year old mother.

when we questioned her to the wisdom of this approach, my mother said, “my mother has been taking care of these things all her life. and when i get older, i don’t want you kids to insult me by teating me like i don’t know what to do when i do.”

when my grandmother really doesn’t care about an outcome, she says, “why are you bothering me with that?”

but there’s no telling what she’ll care about and what she’ll delegate so my mom asks her. because of it, my mom takes a little useless flack now and then from grandma. small potatoes, really. it keeps my grandma sharp and my mother tough.

 

[nfpworks]

when we questioned her to the wisdom of this approach, my mother said, “my mother has been taking care of these things all her life. and when i get older, i don’t want you kids to insult me by teating me like i don’t know what to do when i do.”

when my grandmother really doesn’t care about an outcome, she says, “why are you bothering me with that?”

but there’s no telling what she’ll care about and what she’ll delegate so my mom asks her. because of it, my mom takes a little useless flack now and then from grandma. small potatoes, really. it keeps my grandma sharp and my mother tough.

I have to agree. My mom is a similar age, and she gets really annoyed when decisions are made for her and her “stuff.”

While the little “white” lie may seem harmless at the outset, I do think you need to respect your father and number 1 - not lie to him and number 2 - discuss his “stuff” or his business with him . . as long as he is able.

Good luck. It’s not easy taking care of aging parents. You are doing the best job you can, I am sure.