Who comes first--spouse or children/step-children?

[smile_xpax]

I dated someone with the intention of marriage; both of us have been married previously and are awaiting the final decree regarding our annulments. If we were able to marry, my companion remarked that his children would come first until they left home. I have re-considered marrying him and am currently praying for guidance. He is a good man, but I plan to have a Sacrament with my husband, not children. I intend to model true christian love to children, but also instill in them that they are not the center of the universe–only God holds that distinction in my life. Is there any church teaching that could help us?

 

[dprewett]

God must come first in order to have a healthy Marriage. Next comes spouse because your relationship will determine the way your children percieve family. If you and your spouse do not show a unifiyng front and the children know they come first then you are in for big problems. This leads to out of control children and the problems that stem from this can lead to divorse. Do not enter into marriage and all that goe with it if your future husband will not back you at all times when children are involved. This does not mean we do not love our children as much if not more than ourselfs but in the family rankes they must not come first for their sakes. Good Luck

P.S. Everyone wants to tell you how to raise kids. I only responded because you asked. This seems to work well with my wife and kids.

 

[SMHW]

Well, first of all, until you both receive your decrees of nullity regarding your first marriages, it doesn’t really matter what this man thinks of says about who comes first.

But if you do both receive the decrees, and then decide to consider marriage, I think you would be wise to get this man to clarify what he means by saying the children come first.

Marriage is a sacrament in which the ‘two become one’ so it is not a matter of putting people in some order. The marriage IS. It is subject to God by it’s nature. And the nature of marriage entails the raising of children. Putting the children before the marriage is like putting the marriage in front of itself.

What your potential spouse is probably saying is that he will be putting the welfare (as he sees it) of his children before you. I am supposing this means time and possibly finances.

Now if you marry a man with children you should reasonably expect that he will have a lot less time and money to spend on the marriage to you than a man who does not have children. That’s just reality. I hope you wouldn’t expect him to change any plans he has to put his children into Catholic schools or pay for their college, or whatever he has already planned just because of you, (unexpected future events excluded.) But he does have the obligation to tell you his plans. And if you have any children together you ought to expect him to treat the new children equally. But understand that children that don’t live with him full time may need more time than a child that lives with him full time in order to be treated ‘equally’.

If that’s not what you want then don’t marry him.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I dated someone with the intention of marriage; both of us have been married previously and are awaiting the final decree regarding our annulments. If we were able to marry, my companion remarked that his children would come first until they left home. I have re-considered marrying him and am currently praying for guidance. He is a good man, but I plan to have a Sacrament with my husband, not children. I intend to model true christian love to children, but also instill in them that they are not the center of the universe–only God holds that distinction in my life. Is there any church teaching that could help us?

In Christian Marriage the spouse is who you are united to Spiritually. Children have a right and parents have an obligation to support and provide for the basic needs of their children,