Who is #1 in your life?

[rayne89]

Recent posts make me wonder - in the talk of husband before children or VV… real life situation.

Your husband has a business dinner, spouses are invited. This is a team building exercise only, it is not client related. Attendance is not manditory, but, it is politically wise to be there. Your husband is up for a promotion that would mean a 10% salary increase. Dinner is taking place at a restaurant you have so wanted to visit, very expensive and impossible to get reservations. Dinner is from 7 - 9 PM.

The same evening is scheduled your 10 year old daughter’s school play. Your daughter, who is very shy, tried out for the lead role, but did not get it. She was cast as one of the mouse-friends of Cinderella. The play begins at 7:30 and lasts one hour.

It is a 30 minute drive from the school to the restaurant.

Which event do you attend, your husband’s or your daughter’s?

If my husband felt it very important for me to be there I would be there. The situation you describe doesn’t seem like something my husband would insist on me being there, he would want me to be with our daughter. If it was something he really felt important for me to be at I would send my daughter with my parents to her play.

 

[AHapka]

Quite frankly, neither my husband nor I could see how anyone could put their spouse before a young child who is incapable of caring for him/herself, so that’s what worked best for us as a couple.

Which meant that if his car broke down on the highway, and your baby was napping…you’d put the child first and say “the baby’s napping, and he/she comes first so i’m not going to wake him/her up. You’ll have to figure it out yourself or walk.”

However, if you put your husband first the answer would be “I’ll dress the baby (likely waking him/her up) and we’ll both come and get you.”

Putting your spouse first does not mean ignoring the children. It means knowing that maintaining the marriage bond is the best way of maintainging the family which is the best way of raising the children. We are all willing to sacrifice for our children, that is not the issue here.

If you are going to let the child come before the spouse, I can see tons of discipline issues down the road. For example, let’s say my son wants to do something that I don’t want him to but my wife says he can. Does that mean my wife should say “He comes first…he can do whatever he wants…he comes before you.” I can see the marriage ending awfully quick that way…

Andy

 

[AHapka]

Recent posts make me wonder - in the talk of husband before children or VV… real life situation.

Your husband has a business dinner, spouses are invited. This is a team building exercise only, it is not client related. Attendance is not manditory, but, it is politically wise to be there. Your husband is up for a promotion that would mean a 10% salary increase. Dinner is taking place at a restaurant you have so wanted to visit, very expensive and impossible to get reservations. Dinner is from 7 - 9 PM.

The same evening is scheduled your 10 year old daughter’s school play. Your daughter, who is very shy, tried out for the lead role, but did not get it. She was cast as one of the mouse-friends of Cinderella. The play begins at 7:30 and lasts one hour.

It is a 30 minute drive from the school to the restaurant.

Which event do you attend, your husband’s or your daughter’s?

It’s kind of funny you mention this one… I’m actually in a similar situation. A spot has come up in the detective bureau that I could get. 10% more money, more prestige…just 10 years of second shift For the good of the family, I’m not pursuing it.

Now if it is something that a husband would want to pursue…well, more things come into play here. As a husband and a family, have you attended all of your daughters other events? Are you active in your daughters life? If a father is involved in her daughter’s life, missing one play won’t be the end of the world. If it’s missing ten out of the last ten, it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

When I was little, my dad owned his own business. There were events he could just not come to. But he was otherwise involved in my life and came to that which he could, so I learned that there were things in life more important then me. It didn’t make him a a bad father. It was a good lesson.

Andy

 

[1ke]

I am with 1ke 100% – that’s rare if you look through our posts.

Is it really that rare?

Maybe I don’t post to say “yeah, I agree” when I read posts of yours that I do concur with-- but I do shake my head up and down…

 

[1ke]

. There were events he could just not come to. But he was otherwise involved in my life and came to that which he could, so I learned that there were things in life more important then me. It didn’t make him a a bad father. It was a good lesson.

Andy

Exact-a-mundo!

 

[kettle]

Which meant that if his car broke down on the highway, and your baby was napping…you’d put the child first and say “the baby’s napping, and he/she comes first so i’m not going to wake him/her up. You’ll have to figure it out yourself or walk.”

However, if you put your husband first the answer would be “I’ll dress the baby (likely waking him/her up) and we’ll both come and get you.”

Putting your spouse first does not mean ignoring the children. It means knowing that maintaining the marriage bond is the best way of maintainging the family which is the best way of raising the children. We are all willing to sacrifice for our children, that is not the issue here.

If you are going to let the child come before the spouse, I can see tons of discipline issues down the road. For example, let’s say my son wants to do something that I don’t want him to but my wife says he can. Does that mean my wife should say “He comes first…he can do whatever he wants…he comes before you.” I can see the marriage ending awfully quick that way…

Andy

I think you have “needs” and “wants” somewhat confused.

Considering we’ve made it nearly 15 years with two of our four children as teenagers and both of us being one another’s best friend, we don’t appear to be on this road to doom-and-gloom as you suggest. We’ve both, as a team, put our children’s needs before our own while they were very young. Oh, and as a bonus, we’ve never left one another stranded on the side of the road.

Is 15 years of marriage still within that “marriage ending awfully quick…” phase?

 

[Guitar]

Seems to me a lot of people confuse “first priority” with “only priority” (I’ve seen at least two manipulative spouses abuse “putting your family first” something shocking to squeeze out all interests not focussed solely on them and their whims and fixations) and also confuse priority ranking with a time percentage allocation formula.

On time and priorities … I sometimes think of an analogy to something a former PP once said - the first thing he did on getting paid was to write a donation cheque to the church, which was for the same amount as if he’d written it after paying everything else, but the point was he wrote it first to make sure nothing could interfere with it. He called it “giving the first dollar” and the emphasis for him was not the amount but that it was given before all else. I try to give high-priority people “the first minute” even when lower-priority things have to have the bulk of my time, and I can always tell when they do the same for me - it’s an attitude as much as anything else. That little minute given at those times means a lot more to me than heaps of time given at leisure that needed filling in somehow anyway. I can’t explain it very well but it helps me keep things straight when I’m under time pressure. I wasn’t blessed with children but I would guess that most of the time a husband or wife know when they are still important to a spouse who might be up to the gunwales in work or demanding children.

 

[AHapka]

Is 15 years of marriage still within that “marriage ending awfully quick…” phase?

I actually meant my marriage…lol At 7 1/2 years, I’m exactly half of where you are at.

I guess what i’m trying to say is that my wife and I have given up our needs for our children, too. However, I think my wife has a right to my attention before the children. Not that either one of us would ever neglect them, but I think my wife has “first dibs” on me. I’m sorry if i’m not clear…I know what I want to say, but just am having trouble articulating it…

Andy

 

[rayne89]

I think people are getting the idea that a person that puts their spouse first is neglecting the children. I’m not saying one should neglect the needs of their children.
Some examples:
Family is getting ready to out to eat -husband wants to go to a nice sit down restaurant, child wants to eat at McDonalds. Child first family eats at McDonalds, spouse first family eats at sit down restaurant.

After a long, hard work week husband would like some time alone with his wife, arranges for child to spend a few hours with grandma so husband and wife can go out for a nice quiet dinner and a movie. Child throws a tantrum, wants to stay with parents. Child first family, cancel plans and all stay home. Spouse first family, child goes to grandma’s despite temper tantrum.

I am not talking about neglecting children. When my daughter was sick last week she and I spent a week sleeping the living room so I could keep eye on her through out the night because she was running some pretty decent fevers.(She not even little, she’s 12.) My husband is not so selfish that would expect me to be in bed with him when our daughter is sick with a fever.

When our daughter about 14 months my husband and I went on a marriage weekend, she stayed with my parents. I know some AP parents may find that horrifying (I’m not picking on AP parents, I was semi-AP myself) but our marriage was really in a bad place and we needed it. Yes she was young, but she needed both her parents under the same roof and without that weekend she may have ended up with only one. She did fine, and we got our marriage back on track.

That’s what I mean by putting the spouse first.

 

[Just_wondering]

**I am not talking about neglecting children. **When my daughter was sick last week she and I spent a week sleeping the living room so I could keep eye on her through out the night because she was running some pretty decent fevers.(She not even little, she’s 12.) My husband is not so selfish that would expect me to be in bed with him when our daughter is sick with a fever.

When our daughter about 14 months my husband and I went on a marriage weekend, she stayed with my parents. I know some AP parents may find that horrifying (I’m not picking on AP parents, I was semi-AP myself) but our marriage was really in a bad place and we needed it. Yes she was young, but she needed both her parents under the same roof and without that weekend she may have ended up with only one. She did fine, and we got our marriage back on track.

That’s what I mean by putting the spouse first.

:clapping: :yup: :clapping: :yup:

Your spouse comes first, but your spouse puts the children’s needs above his or her own, and so wouldn’t insist on doing something unless it was for the family’s good. That’s part of what marriage and being a parent is all about.

At least, that’s what I think. I’m not married yet, but that’s the attitude I’ll be going in with.

 

[strngrnrth]

When my daughter was sick last week she and I spent a week sleeping the living room so I could keep eye on her through out the night because she was running some pretty decent fevers.(She not even little, she’s 12.) My husband is not so selfish that would expect me to be in bed with him when our daughter is sick with a fever.

I would expect him to help keep an eye on her and she would be in the bed, with us taking turns on the floor if necessary.

 

[kettle]

I think people are getting the idea that a person that puts their spouse first is neglecting the children. I’m not saying one should neglect the needs of their children.

I think people are getting the idea that parents (as a TEAM) who put their children first are neglecting one another. I’m not saying one should neglect the needs of his or her spouse, and I certainly don’t need to make up ludicrous scenarios in which assumptions are made about how things are done in households other than my own.

Let it be known that there are many approaches to operating as a God-centered family unit, and what works “best” for one family isn’t necessarily what works “best” for another. Some families actually have parents who collectively make decisions about what is in the best interest of the family unit, and sometimes that means putting the needs (NEEDS, not wants) of the children in a priority position.

 

[rayne89]

I would expect him to help keep an eye on her and she would be in the bed, with us taking turns on the floor if necessary.

My husband works 12 hour days, 7 days a week -not by choice, right now his shop has forced overtime. I do not expect him to sleep on the floor and take turns with me when I work only 8 hours a week out of the home. Her bedroom is on the opposite end of the house, it’s just easier if I have her sleep in the living room with me.

 

[rayne89]

Some families actually have parents who collectively make decisions about what is in the best interest of the family unit, and sometimes that means putting the needs (NEEDS, not wants) of the children in a priority position.

I don’t see any difference in what we do in that description, my husband and I make decisions based on what’s in the best interest of the family - and yes sometimes our daughter’s needs come first -that does make us a child first home. Putting your spouse first is parenting as a team. A team of husband and wife.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

In my opinion and the way that I and my h2b will be running our house it that our children (if we are so blessed) will always be number 1 in both of our minds my husband (currently h2b) is an amazing man and will be an amazing father but my children will always be number 1!

Remember when/if you marry, you become 1 with your husband and God. And that is how God ment it!