Who is allowed to receive reconciliation?

[Eschato]

My mother went to her Church yesterday to have her confession heard. The priest told her that he couldn’t give her absolution. This is the story. She was born, raised, baptized, and confirmed Catholic. She married my father (a non-denominational christian) after becoming pregnant at the age of twenty. They were married by my grandfather (a non-denominational preacher) outside of the Catholic Church, but my mother never renounced her Catholic faith. They never had the marriage blessed, and they got a civil divorce about ten years ago.

Well, she sat down behind the screen, and started with confession, but before she got into anything the priest stopped her and told her to “come around to the front” to see face to face (odd) and she did. He forewent the confession and started shooting questions at her. Questions like: How long were you away from the Church? How old were you when you married? Were you married outside the Church? He ended with “I can’t give you absolution! You aren’t a Catholic!”

The priest basically claimed that since she married outside of the Church that she was no longer a Catholic, and told her that she would have to talk to a parish priest (which is funny because that is what she was doing…). When he said that she would have to have the marriage blessed she told him that she was divorced, and he kind of scoffed at her. Then she said that she had been to confession since then and confessed those things and gotten absolution (those weren’t even things that she came to confess). He replied, “Well, you shouldn’t have.”

What is the truth behind this?

 

[palmas85]

My mother went to her Church yesterday to have her confession heard. The priest told her that he couldn’t give her absolution. This is the story. She was born, raised, baptized, and confirmed Catholic. She married my father (a non-denominational christian) after becoming pregnant at the age of twenty. They were married by my grandfather (a non-denominational preacher) outside of the Catholic Church, but my mother never renounced her Catholic faith. They never had the marriage blessed, and they got a civil divorce about ten years ago.

Well, she sat down behind the screen, and started with confession, but before she got into anything the priest stopped her and told her to “come around to the front” to see face to face (odd) and she did. He forewent the confession and started shooting questions at her. Questions like: How long were you away from the Church? How old were you when you married? Were you married outside the Church? He ended with “I can’t give you absolution! You aren’t a Catholic!”

The priest basically claimed that since she married outside of the Church that she was no longer a Catholic, and told her that she would have to talk to a parish priest (which is funny because that is what she was doing…). When he said that she would have to have the marriage blessed she told him that she was divorced, and he kind of scoffed at her. Then she said that she had been to confession since then and confessed those things and gotten absolution (those weren’t even things that she came to confess). He replied, “Well, you shouldn’t have.”

What is the truth behind this?

The story sounds fake. First, you say she never got a chance to tell the Priest anything. Yet the Priest knows all of this stuff about her life without her telling him. Then he orders her to come before him face to face. Then we find out she has already been absolved for these sins before.

Doesn’t sound true at all and I don’t think it is. Either your mother isn’t telling you the truth or you aren’t telling us the truth. And if there is truth to it, there is a whole lot being left out.

 

[Deacon_Ed_B]

I am with PALMAS85. This does not just ring true. My reasoning on this, is because of what you said. It it was confessed before (after the civil divorce for the wedding) and she is not remarried, any priest would have the smarts to know how to proceed. Having the marriage blessed (the term is not correct - it should be convalidated) after a divorce, of an invalid marriage, is the epitome of incorrect thinking. This is either fake, or there are volumes left out…
Deacon Ed B

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

My mother went to her Church yesterday to have her confession heard. The priest told her that he couldn’t give her absolution. This is the story. She was born, raised, baptized, and confirmed Catholic. She married my father (a non-denominational christian) after becoming pregnant at the age of twenty. They were married by my grandfather (a non-denominational preacher) outside of the Catholic Church, but my mother never renounced her Catholic faith. They never had the marriage blessed, and they got a civil divorce about ten years ago.

Well, she sat down behind the screen, and started with confession, but before she got into anything the priest stopped her and told her to “come around to the front” to see face to face (odd) and she did. He forewent the confession and started shooting questions at her. Questions like: How long were you away from the Church? How old were you when you married? Were you married outside the Church? He ended with “I can’t give you absolution! You aren’t a Catholic!”

The priest basically claimed that since she married outside of the Church that she was no longer a Catholic, and told her that she would have to talk to a parish priest (which is funny because that is what she was doing…). When he said that she would have to have the marriage blessed she told him that she was divorced, and he kind of scoffed at her. Then she said that she had been to confession since then and confessed those things and gotten absolution (those weren’t even things that she came to confess). He replied, “Well, you shouldn’t have.”

What is the truth behind this?

Returning to the Church and the Sacraments in many cases is more involved then just returning to Mass and the Sacraments on your own. She does need to speak with the pastor of her local parish and ask how she whould go about returning to the pracitce of the Catholic faith and being registered in the parish.

 

[Eschato]

OK. Not quite what I was hoping to find, but I will give it another shot. My Mom gave some background info, this is why the priest had her walk around the screen. I never said that she “didn’t say anything” I said that she didn’t get into anything. By that, I meant that the didn’t confess any sins at this point. When she mentioned the length of time since her last confession the priest interrupted her, had her walk around the screen for a quick questioning, and prompted her to leave. My previous post wasn’t meant to be an exact account of the details of the story, I was just trying to provide some information that I thought might be helpful.

I am just interested in knowing if the priest was right in refusing absolution. She did go to confession a few years ago, and the priest DID give her absolution. She has recently joined a parish near her home, though she went to confession at another parish as most Catholics that haven’t confessed in years do. I was under the impression that reconciliation was given its name because it reconciles people back into the Church. Was the priest right? Did my mother permanently separate herself from the Church and she needs to be reinstated somehow? I’m the one that talked her into going to confession to begin with. She wanted to go, but she needed some encouragement. Now I don’t know what to tell her.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

OK. Not quite what I was hoping to find, but I will give it another shot. My Mom gave some background info, this is why the priest had her walk around the screen. I never said that she “didn’t say anything” I said that she didn’t get into anything. By that, I meant that the didn’t confess any sins at this point. When she mentioned the length of time since her last confession the priest interrupted her, had her walk around the screen for a quick questioning, and prompted her to leave. My previous post wasn’t meant to be an exact account of the details of the story, I was just trying to provide some information that I thought might be helpful.

I am just interested in knowing if the priest was right in refusing absolution. She did go to confession a few years ago, and the priest DID give her absolution. She has recently joined a parish near her home, though she went to confession at another parish as most Catholics that haven’t confessed in years do. I was under the impression that reconciliation was given its name because it reconciles people back into the Church. Was the priest right? Did my mother permanently separate herself from the Church and she needs to be reinstated somehow? I’m the one that talked her into going to confession to begin with. She wanted to go, but she needed some encouragement. Now I don’t know what to tell her.

In a sense she may need to be re-instated in a way. At our parish people who have been away from the Church for a year or longer are asked to attend a 6-8 week “course” of sessions to help them return to an active participation in the Church. It’s not just deciding to go to Confession and your back.

 

[kage_ar]

Your mother needs to make an appointment with her Parish Priest, to sit down and talk out things. Prayers for her.

 

[Eschato]

Your mother needs to make an appointment with her Parish Priest, to sit down and talk out things. Prayers for her.

I agree, but I was and still am under the impression that the “sit down and talk things out” is confession. As far as Church law is concerned, a normal “talk” with a priest isn’t a Sacrament and holds no validity toward reinstatement into the Church. When someone commits sin, they separate themselves from the grace of God and need to be reinstated into God’s loving grace. Sacramentally, this process is called reconciliation and I am of the understanding that this is done with a priest in the confessional. If she sat down with a priest in a scheduled meeting, the meeting would still have to be considered a Sacramental reconciliation to change her status in the Church, would it not? To make my argument even stronger, the time prescribed by the parish to hear confession is a formal, scheduled meeting for such events between the priest and parishioners.

It is the duty placed on the priest by God to at least listen to the confession before he decides to bind it or not. He shouldn’t usher people out before they even begin. (I don’t have anything to back that last statement up. It is my opinion.)

I’ve got no reason to so much as exaggerate the story, as it is quite embarrassing to me personally because I told her that she should go. Likewise, my Mother wouldn’t exaggerate the story either because she is trying to get my sister to join the Church and wouldn’t do anything to hurt that process. The priest literally spent all of 30 seconds talking to my mother before finding a way to get her out the door.

You have to tell people that the priest won’t judge them. That he will be loving and understanding, and listen, comfort and bring piece to them, and… “I can’t give you absolution!” People get more worked up over judgement from a priest than from the judgement of Christ. Is it without reason all of the time?

 

[Tietjen]

Look, here’s the deal. The Priest has the authority to give absolution or not. We can go round and round on the matter here in these forums but it won’t change anything. I would encourage your mom to make an appointment with her parish priest to discuss this matter AND give her Confession. A Priest doesn’t only hear Confessions during the established hours, they can hear a Confession whenever there is time (this includes during an appointment). God bless.

 

[thomasf]

When i came back to the church after 17 years all I was asked to do was go to confession. Your mother’s marriage was invalid, but she’s divorced now so she’s no longer living in sin in an invalid marriage. Seems to me all she needs to do is confess her sins and she should be able to return to receiving the eucharist.

Unless she formally renounced her faith, and did so to a priest or bishop, she’s still catholic. She just needs a good confession.

IMO, the priest was out of line. His job is to welcome people back to the faith, not turn them away.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I agree, but I was and still am under the impression that the “sit down and talk things out” is confession. As far as Church law is concerned, a normal “talk” with a priest isn’t a Sacrament and holds no validity toward reinstatement into the Church. When someone commits sin, they separate themselves from the grace of God and need to be reinstated into God’s loving grace. Sacramentally, this process is called reconciliation and I am of the understanding that this is done with a priest in the confessional. If she sat down with a priest in a scheduled meeting, the meeting would still have to be considered a Sacramental reconciliation to change her status in the Church, would it not? To make my argument even stronger, the time prescribed by the parish to hear confession is a formal, scheduled meeting for such events between the priest and parishioners.

It is the duty placed on the priest by God to at least listen to the confession before he decides to bind it or not. He shouldn’t usher people out before they even begin. (I don’t have anything to back that last statement up. It is my opinion.)

I’ve got no reason to so much as exaggerate the story, as it is quite embarrassing to me personally because I told her that she should go. Likewise, my Mother wouldn’t exaggerate the story either because she is trying to get my sister to join the Church and wouldn’t do anything to hurt that process. The priest literally spent all of 30 seconds talking to my mother before finding a way to get her out the door.

You have to tell people that the priest won’t judge them. That he will be loving and understanding, and listen, comfort and bring piece to them, and… “I can’t give you absolution!” People get more worked up over judgement from a priest than from the judgement of Christ. Is it without reason all of the time?

During the sit-down meeting the pastor will explain to her the process of her return to the Church. Most likely at the end of that return process will be the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

 

[palmas85]

OK. Not quite what I was hoping to find, but I will give it another shot. My Mom gave some background info, this is why the priest had her walk around the screen. I never said that she “didn’t say anything” I said that she didn’t get into anything. By that, I meant that the didn’t confess any sins at this point. When she mentioned the length of time since her last confession the priest interrupted her, had her walk around the screen for a quick questioning, and prompted her to leave. My previous post wasn’t meant to be an exact account of the details of the story, I was just trying to provide some information that I thought might be helpful.

I am just interested in knowing if the priest was right in refusing absolution. She did go to confession a few years ago, and the priest DID give her absolution. She has recently joined a parish near her home, though she went to confession at another parish as most Catholics that haven’t confessed in years do. I was under the impression that reconciliation was given its name because it reconciles people back into the Church. Was the priest right? Did my mother permanently separate herself from the Church and she needs to be reinstated somehow? I’m the one that talked her into going to confession to begin with. She wanted to go, but she needed some encouragement. Now I don’t know what to tell her.

You said, and I quote, "before she got into anything
If she hadn’t gotten into anything there would be nothing to discuss.

A Priest is under to obligation to absolve anyone if he feels their confession isn’t a true confession.

 

[kage_ar]

The thing that stands out to me is that the Priest in the Confessional asks the OP’s mom to speak to her Parish Priest.

There is a chance that this was a visiting Priest, maybe a retired Priest, who was on Confessional duty for the day.

There is one hour for Confessions, and his feeling was that this situation may be more complex and nuanced than there was time to handle in the Confessional situation. His thought is that this will be better to if issues are discussed and worked out BEFORE Confession.

 

[sandraladeda]

When i came back to the church after 17 years all I was asked to do was go to confession. Your mother’s marriage was invalid, but she’s divorced now so she’s no longer living in sin in an invalid marriage. Seems to me all she needs to do is confess her sins and she should be able to return to receiving the eucharist.

Unless she formally renounced her faith, and did so to a priest or bishop, she’s still catholic. She just needs a good confession.

IMO, the priest was out of line. His job is to welcome people back to the faith, not turn them away.

it would have been nice if the priest had taken things one step further and with great compassion explained to her that there was some ground they needed to cover before going into a full confession. I would hope a priest in this situation would say “I WANT to hear your confession, and I am going to help you get to where you need to be in order for that to happen.” and then either helped her get there, or pointed her towards the person and resources to do so. It seems to me like a missed opportunity to welcome someone back to the fullness of their Catholic faith, and as the OP said, it took some work to get her there in the first place. It would have been nice for the priest to acknowledge to her that she had made a great decision to return to her faith - validate her effort, and help her to come all the way home.

imho

 

[dessert]

I feel sorry for your mother, people in the Church just rip people apart so she will need lots of patience and forgivenes for the catholics that do this. I have been in the same situation. She should go to the Church she wants to attend and stay with that priest as her permanent confessor. Tell her even if she seems embarrassed she has to confront them all in a spirit of charity. They don’t need to know all but they sure will want to… That priest is just protecting himself of making any mistakes. It takes too much time in the confessional to tell a story like hers. I know the confessionals are protected but believe me they will all find out even it means going to all the open records in court and visting all of your closest relatives. Go figure and the relatives are like ah that happened so long ago and won’t remember all the story. As her daughter be prepared to just say that we have spoken with the priest about. I went to my second priest that I have now, my dh won’t go, and took copies of our marriage and our birth records and even listed the people at the wedding and took him photos of the wedding, becuase even my mother screws up the details. It was expensive to give him all that stuf but I told him I didn’t want to hide anything and I want him to know all incase my dh comes into the faith. Both my priest and the first priest said my marriage was valid although the first priest just went by my word. Tongues wag in groups and her only reconciliation is with God through the priest so get her to open up and keep encouraging her to go every week eventually her priest can put the picture together and many of those people will be embarrassed and eating crow, and if the priest is any good priest will stand up for her. If she is sincere, and faithful to the sacraments, God is faithful to us.Don’t make it an arguement battle it all just gossip, some will really feel their duty to tell you what to do Pray lots you are doing battle to get her back and the devil will try all to discourage you and her.
I pray for you and her and welcome home.

 

[dessert]

Your mother needs to make an appointment with her Parish Priest, to sit down and talk out things. Prayers for her.

Go with your mother insist on it that you be there you have the right! Don’t let anyone tell you different!
Your mother may end up with a heart attack out of this she sounds confused, take a copy of divorce and make sure all is right, it will cost. Stand up for your mother God will respect this. Jesus stood up for women in the most glorious way!

 

[katy]

Returning to the Church and the Sacraments in many cases is more involved then just returning to Mass and the Sacraments on your own. She does need to speak with the pastor of her local parish and ask how she whould go about returning to the pracitce of the Catholic faith and being registered in the parish.

Why? I wandered off for 15 years and came back by just going to confession. No problem at all.

 

[LilyM]

Why? I wandered off for 15 years and came back by just going to confession. No problem at all.

Bet you weren’t married outside the Church in the meantime. If you were and the priest absolved you anyway it’s because he didn’t know about your marriage situation and your absolution would be invalid.

 

[katy]

Bet you weren’t married outside the Church in the meantime. If you were and the priest absolved you anyway it’s because he didn’t know about your marriage situation and your absolution would be invalid.

But the marriage situation is that they are civilly married and divorced, is it not? That situation has happened in my family, and they were told that since they were no longer living together or acting as tho married in any way, they were OK with the church, since the marriage was never recognized in the first place.

 

[LilyM]

But the marriage situation is that they are civilly married and divorced, is it not? That situation has happened in my family, and they were told that since they were no longer living together or acting as tho married in any way, they were OK with the church, since the marriage was never recognized in the first place.

No, it wasn’t a civil marriage, they were married by a pastor, not a judge or civil celebrant. So it could still be binding and would need to be investigated.