Who parents at Mass?

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?

I’m getting pretty pregnant. Standing and holding a wriggling toddler for an hour is very difficult. But, it always comes down to me to do it. DH doesn’t like to make a fuss… he dreads standing up and walking in front of people or in any way being noticed, so he will ignore the children even if they are rolling around on the floor in the aisle. He just closes his eyes and prays really hard and seems not to notice.

The other night, we were in a pew that had only one open end. My toddler started blowing raspberries during the homily. Then, when I tried to stop him, he screamed NOOOOOO!!! over and over. I couldn’t get DH to get up and let me out - I would poke and he would glare and shake his head just clench his eyes harder. So, I had to climb over the back of the pew and the pews behind us to get out. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in a football carry under her arm, clambering over the backs of pews during the homily.

A friend of mine said, “yeah, I’ve noticed that about men. The mothers spend all their time trying to control the children while the fathers have a religious experience.”

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?

In our parish it is mostly the men who stand with the babies and toddlers at Mass:shrug:

I couldn’t get DH to get up and let me out - I would poke and he would glare and shake his head just clench his eyes harder. So, I had to climb over the back of the pew and the pews behind us to get out. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in a football carry under her arm, clambering over the backs of pews during the homily.

**Two thoughts, maybe your hubby has some sort of social anxiety disorder? Definitely worth exploring further…

second thought, I would have made hubby move outta the way or I would have asked the family on the other side of me. I am sure they would have been happy to let you out and were probably mortified that you were climbing over the pews**

 

[sanctareparata]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?..A friend of mine said, “yeah, I’ve noticed that about men. The mothers spend all their time trying to control the children while the fathers have a religious experience.”

I know no hubbies like that - all the men I know respond to their children (and their wives) during Mass and it’s usually the *men *at my parish who are taking the little ones out, so Mom can remain in the pew.

I’m getting pretty pregnant. Standing and holding a wriggling toddler for an hour is very difficult. But, it always comes down to me to do it. DH doesn’t like to make a fuss… he dreads standing up and walking in front of people or in any way being noticed, so he will ignore the children even if they are rolling around on the floor in the aisle. He just closes his eyes and prays really hard and seems not to notice.

The other night, we were in a pew that had only one open end. My toddler started blowing raspberries during the homily. Then, when I tried to stop him, he screamed NOOOOOO!!! over and over. I couldn’t get DH to get up and let me out - I would poke and he would glare and shake his head just clench his eyes harder. So, I had to climb over the back of the pew and the pews behind us to get out. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in a football carry under her arm, clambering over the backs of pews during the homily.

Wow. I don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry.

 

[yellowbicycle]

I’m so sorry.
My husband isn’t Catholic, actually, so he usually takes out whichever kid is crying out because he knows that I enjoy Mass.

It also helps I think that we have twins, so, most of the time, when one cries, they both do, so he doesn’t really have a choice in the matter.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

My dh is definitely more laid back about it (and I do get bugged by that), but he does share the responsibility. We have gotten into a pattern where I deal with nursing babies and he deals with the non-nursing toddler. This started when my eldest was only 19m when my 2nd was born. Since I certainly couldn’t put down the nursing baby to take the toddler out, he did it. I do think we spent alot of time in the crying room as a family during that time though.

My opinion is that pregnant women shouldn’t have to struggle with their toddlers unless the hubby has a really good reason for not doing it. In your situation, I’d probably be tempted to excuse myself to go to the bathroom at the beginning of mass and then find another place to sit, leaving dh to handle the toddler without my help. I know, it’s not very nice, but he’s probably ignoring the problem because he knows you’ll pick up the slack. Maybe the more mature thing to do would be to talk about it with dh ahead of time, and try to come to an agreement on how to deal with it. Or sit a little further back and make sure hubby gets the end seat on a side aisle so it’s not so embarrassing to get up and leave.

 

[jwatza]

My advice–sit the whole family in the cry room–maybe hubby will help out in there??

 

[3GirlsRUs]

We have always been split fairly evenly on this issue…until my third daughter came along. She is a “momma’s girl” and seriously is even WORSE if my DH is in charge of her for the mass. I, myself, am getting pretty pregnant and really cannot hold her throughout Mass anymore. Just today, after Mass, I told DH that we have got to find some way of getting Helen to behave sitting by him and having him hold her because I just can’t do it anymore. She is doing better about sitting or standing by herself…but she is still a baby (I know…she’s a toddler…but she’s my baby still) and sometimes just wants to be held.

I hope you and your DH can work something out though. I think I’d be pretty ticked off if my DH wouldn’t have allowed me to get out of the pew though…

 

[TLM08]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?

I’m getting pretty pregnant. Standing and holding a wriggling toddler for an hour is very difficult. But, it always comes down to me to do it. DH doesn’t like to make a fuss… he dreads standing up and walking in front of people or in any way being noticed, so he will ignore the children even if they are rolling around on the floor in the aisle. He just closes his eyes and prays really hard and seems not to notice.

The other night, we were in a pew that had only one open end. My toddler started blowing raspberries during the homily. Then, when I tried to stop him, he screamed NOOOOOO!!! over and over. I couldn’t get DH to get up and let me out - I would poke and he would glare and shake his head just clench his eyes harder. So, I had to climb over the back of the pew and the pews behind us to get out. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in a football carry under her arm, clambering over the backs of pews during the homily.

A friend of mine said, “yeah, I’ve noticed that about men. The mothers spend all their time trying to control the children while the fathers have a religious experience.”

I can remember my father glaring a cold dagger in my general direction if I acted up during Mass. Every Sunday, you could count on at least one child being walked out the door by their dear old dad for a good old fashioned spanking right there in the back of church for misbehaving… Ahhhhh these are MY memories of the 1960s!

Now-a-days that father would be investigated for abuse, locked up and the kids taken to foster care. This sick society is stripping away parental rights to discipline.

 

[Oscarthecat]

I think that my wife and I balance this responsibility fairly well-

Generally, we take turns when our daughter is unruly. The only notable exception to this is that my wife has never taken our daughter to church by herself, nor has she changed a diaper at mass (well, not AT mass, but during the course of mass).

I used to attribute this to the fact that I am a stay-at-home dad, but after spending a LOT of time in the back of the Church over the last year, I have had plenty of opportunity to watch how other couples work this out.

It seems to me that most of the couples at our parish balance the work. For that matter, I’ve noticed that in cases where one spouse seems to do more of the caretaking, there are just as many women sitting back as there are men.

I don’t know what to tell you about your DH- it sounds like maybe he thinks that actually responding to you or his child at mass will somehow contribute to the overall distraction of your toddler’s behavior. But that’s kind of like refusing to put out a fire because you’re afraid to spill some water.

Can’t you just tell him that its his turn to take the kids out to the foyer next time?
There’s nothing like being direct

 

[kage_ar]

From what I observe at Mass, it is half and half - with many “tag team” families.

Is your husband “hands off” dad in other places?

 

[KCT]

why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?

Because we moms don’t insist on dad taking a turn? (assuming he is at Mass)

 

[royal_archer]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise? Why is it usually the mother who has to stand in the back?

I’m getting pretty pregnant. Standing and holding a wriggling toddler for an hour is very difficult. But, it always comes down to me to do it. DH doesn’t like to make a fuss… he dreads standing up and walking in front of people or in any way being noticed, so he will ignore the children even if they are rolling around on the floor in the aisle. He just closes his eyes and prays really hard and seems not to notice.

The other night, we were in a pew that had only one open end. My toddler started blowing raspberries during the homily. Then, when I tried to stop him, he screamed NOOOOOO!!! over and over. I couldn’t get DH to get up and let me out - I would poke and he would glare and shake his head just clench his eyes harder. So, I had to climb over the back of the pew and the pews behind us to get out. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in a football carry under her arm, clambering over the backs of pews during the homily.

A friend of mine said, “yeah, I’ve noticed that about men. The mothers spend all their time trying to control the children while the fathers have a religious experience.”

Since no one else is going to attempt to come to this guy’s defense…

I have some theories as to why he is doing it.

1. Men are adapted to be hunters. We hyper focus on what we are doing and get it done. In doing so we tend to blur out distractions. It could be that he is hyper focussed on the mass and is blurring out the noise? This is also an ADD trait.
2. The kids need to learn to behave. I have heard some of the older men in our perish complain about how the young couples are always up and down constantly taking kids to the back when the kids should be better disciplined and be quiet. Taking the kids to the back rewards bad behavior.
3. Do you have a better way of calming the children? My wife would want me to take care of the kids but then constantly complain about the way I did it: not holding them at the right angle, using the wrong amount of powder, etc.

If any of these seem applicable great, if not: oh well.

 

[mmt4]

1. The kids need to learn to behave. I have heard some of the older men in our perish complain about how the young couples are always up and down constantly taking kids to the back when the kids should be better disciplined and be quiet. Taking the kids to the back rewards bad behavior.

Ah, I’d do it in the pew, but my parish does not provide missalettes with which to whack my children. The Gather is just too heavy.

 

[royal_archer]

Ah, I’d do it in the pew, but my parish does not provide missalettes with which to whack my children. The Gather is just too heavy.

you can bring your own… but seriously, we used to take the kids to the back everytime they acted up untill we just spent the whole mass in back. My parrents never had a problem with our kids when they took them, they sat up front and never took the kids to the back. Eventually we learned to sit right up front and discipline the kids sooner, before they got out of hand.

 

[pamnbam]

DH will usually take DS for a walk around the vestibule if he gets loud or fussy. We spend most of Mass in the cry room anyway, but when that gets old, DH volunteers.

 

[Teakafrog]

Sorry, but I have the perfect husband. He takes the baby out 90% of the time she needs to go.

 

[Oscarthecat]

Sorry, but I have the perfect husband. He takes the baby out 90% of the time she needs to go.

You may want to keep an eye out for the following thread…

“Please help!! My wife make me take the baby out of Church 90% of the time!!!”

:whacky:

 

[leonie]

My dh does the discipline at Mass. I’ve offered to help, but he says the kids respond better to him. True.

It’s nice for me, but I’d like him to have more positive Mass experiences. Maybe he’d consider converting them.

Infants I tend to take out, so I can nurse them.

 

[Alix1912]

One trick my mom used for church was a bag of quiet toys. Several cloth activity books, a little cloth stuffed house with cloth people, basically anything toys she could find that did not make noise. I only got to play with them at Church (so they were new and fun each week). The bag also was stocked with a couple different kinds of dry cereal, again that I could only have at church. It worked pretty well to keep both my sister and I quiet most of the time. We also knew that if we did not sit quietly and play quietly in our seat, we would get the toys taken away and get removed from church and spanked.

 

[embwt]

Speaking of crying or noisy children at Mass… why is it that fathers so often seem to be oblivious to their children’s noise?

A friend of mine said, “yeah, I’ve noticed that about men. The mothers spend all their time trying to control the children while the fathers have a religious experience.”

Perhaps he’s not oblivious to his children’s noise at all. Perhaps he’s dealing with it in a different manner than you would. Perhaps, as the spiritual leader of the family, he’s leading by example. I guess it would depend on the age of the children.