Whoa, So Mama Bear Instinct IS Real!

[pensmama87]

I had a surprising experience today and I just wanted to share it.

DS1 (3) had a dental checkup today and did absolutely wonderful (thanks in part to our very good, very patient dentist) so I decided to take the kids out for lunch afterwards (to a place with a play place, of course, because otherwise they’re too young to think going out to eat is a treat ). We arrived at the peak of lunch rush, but I knew it would clear out quick and we’d only have to deal with the older kids (5-6 year olds on their way to or from kindergarten) for a little while. My kids actually did very well while we ate and the play place wasn’t too busy when we finished, so I figured OK, let’s tire out the kids a bit before coming home for nap.

My 3yo has learned to be aware of other kids around him now that his brother is underfoot a lot more and now that I babysit a few more most days of the week. He may occasionally step on fingers or toes, but it’s accidental and he knows to say “I’m sorry” and usually he means it. Little brother, about 18 months old, usually knows how to keep out of the way (seems to be a gift of younger siblings, to learn so early that they are not the only people in the world!).

Anyway, DS2 is a climber and likes to do everything big brother can, so he followed right up to the top of the play structure. DS1 is being sweet and telling the other kids up there (mostly 2-4 years old) “That’s my brother! He’s little - don’t step on his fingers!” The other kids are mostly listening and DS2 is fine, having a good time, and while I can’t reach either of them I can see both and talk to them.

Then out of the corner of my eye I see this enormous kid hurtle by. In my mind now he’s like 10 years old, but that doesn’t make much sense considering the time of day. Before I can say anything, I see a foot stick out and plant itself squarely on my younger son’s back before it launches into the labyrinth of solid plastic tubes where I can’t get any more details on what this little punk looks like.

In that moment I learned what it means to see red. For about five seconds all I could think was, “I really need to get my hands on that little $#%& who hurt my baby.” Then the feeling dissipated as I heard my son cry and then became frightened that he was seriously hurt - he wasn’t, thank God, but he was scared. After hugging my son and learning he was OK, I was angry again, but instead it was “This kid and his mom/dad need a tongue lashing,” and I didn’t have enough identifying information for the culprit and there were no other parents present (figures.) So I took a few deep breaths, then packed up our things and we all came home.

I’m still upset about what happened - while the kid probably wasn’t as big as I see in my mind he was definitely old enough that if he was developmentally normal he wouldn’t have used my son as a trampoline/launch pad - but I think I’m more upset at how upset I got in that instant. I have strong emotions, but I’ve never actually wanted to throttle somebody. I’m not worried that I sinned because it was completely involuntary, but it was weird for my brain to do what it did. I’m not familiar with it “auto piloting” like that.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

 

[MomaMary8]

Honestly? I understand you were upset, but your reaction of anger is more frightening than a young boys enthusiastic running in a play place. You had an 18 month old in a play place intended for older children. What did you think would happen?

My suggestion is to create charitable scenarios for the older child’s behavior in your mind and never assume an older child knows your little one is on the ground. Perhaps that child’s parents think you need a tongue lashing for letting a toddler in a play area like that.

In the end, we all learn the hard way. Sorry this happened, but I’m glad no one was seriously hurt.

 

[Scottgun]

Instincts and feelings even intense ones, are neither right or wrong, they just are. They might be misplaced, but fight or flight responses do serve a survival purpose. The good news is that they don’t rule unless one has poor impulse control. According to your story, your chosen acts were entirely correct. Go in peace.

 

[pensmama87]

Instincts and feelings even intense ones, are neither right or wrong, they just are. They might be misplaced, but fight or flight responses do serve a survival purpose. **The good news is that they don’t rule unless one has poor impulse control. **According to your story, your chosen acts were entirely correct. Go in peace.

Thank you. This is what I was getting at in the thread. I am used to being “in my head” a lot, so having such an intensely instinctual experience, even though it was brief, was really strange to me. I feel the same way you do - the feeling went away almost as quickly as it happened, and I would not have indulged it, but it was still very, very powerful.

Honestly? I understand you were upset, but your reaction of anger is more frightening than a young boys enthusiastic running in a play place. You had an 18 month old in a play place intended for older children. What did you think would happen?

My suggestion is to create charitable scenarios for the older child’s behavior in your mind and never assume an older child knows your little one is on the ground. Perhaps that child’s parents think you need a tongue lashing for letting a toddler in a play area like that.

In the end, we all learn the hard way. Sorry this happened, but I’m glad no one was seriously hurt.

Oh, my kids have gotten hurt at playgrounds before. I know stuff happens. I know preschoolers in particular don’t know to be careful, especially if they have no experience with babies and toddlers. If it had been a 2 or 3 year old who stepped on my son, I don’t think it would have registered the way it did (in fact, I’m almost positive it wouldn’t have, because similar things have happened before). But this kid was definitely older than that, and should have known better (though in my OP, as you have suggested here - I conceded that he might be smaller than he appeared, and that even if he was significantly older he may not be developmentally normal in some way.)

I did structure my post in a certain way to make it dramatic - on purpose. But I do want to clarify the feeling was incredibly fleeting. It probably didn’t even register on my face, and then I went to make sure my son was OK. And he was, though scared.

Also, regarding the bolded, I don’t know that I learned anything the hard way. Maybe I’ll be pickier about when I take the kids so it’s less crowded or only have younger kids, but I don’t think I did anything wrong by taking my children to a play place that is actually designed for kids under school age (as it is - though there are other places that are definitely designed for older kids, this wasn’t one of them, and perhaps that’s what you were picturing as you read my post).

I don’t think I have a huge problem with anger for having one feeling like this, in 27 years, for maybe five seconds, that went away without incident. In fact, it’s so incredibly unusual I decided to post about it!

 

[Cat]

Someone else mentioned this, and you didn’t comment. So I’ll bring it up.

What is the posted age limit of the playground?

I’m guessing that it is not intended for 18-month-olds. Even if it was, I would be extra careful allowing your little one to play on it if there are older children present. Remember that their parents probably aren’t watching them, because they are assuming that their older children are old enough to watch out for themselves. So if anything happens, it’s your word against a child’s, and chances are good that the child will be believed.

There have been deaths in these playgrounds. Think how the older child’s parents would have felt had their child been the cause (inadvertent) of a younger child’s death.

I may be wrong, and it could be that the playground is intended for very young children and toddlers, and the older child’s parents were in the wrong for allowing him to play.

Be sure to check next time you’re in a restaurant playground.

As for your anger, I believe that it was inappropriate unless it was absolutely obvious that the older child deliberately did a vicious act of violence to a younger child. But if it was just a thoughtless act, that’s what kids do–they don’t think before they act.

I’m guessing that you were/are more exhausted (and possibly still tense over the dentist stress) than you thought you were, and your emotions got the better of you this time. Next time, you’ll be ready for this.

And I wouldn’t have left after the incident. I would have laughed it off, told the boys, “Everything’s fine, you’re OK, honey, mommy’s just a little tired, let’s play some more,” and I would have let the boys play (unless as I said earlier, the age limit is above 18months). Children, especially boys, need to experience some rough and tumble play–your son wasn’t hurt, so why take them home? They did nothing wrong, chances are good that the big kid did nothing wrong (just foolish)–so let them enjoy a playground.

 

[pensmama87]

Someone else mentioned this, and you didn’t comment. So I’ll bring it up.

What is the posted age limit of the playground?

I’m guessing that it is not intended for 18-month-olds. Even if it was, I would be extra careful allowing your little one to play on it if there are older children present. Remember that their parents probably aren’t watching them, because they are assuming that their older children are old enough to watch out for themselves. So if anything happens, it’s your word against a child’s, and chances are good that the child will be believed.

There have been deaths in these playgrounds. Think how the older child’s parents would have felt had their child been the cause (inadvertent) of a younger child’s death.

I may be wrong, and it could be that the playground is intended for very young children and toddlers, and the older child’s parents were in the wrong for allowing him to play.

Be sure to check next time you’re in a restaurant playground.

As for your anger, I believe that it was inappropriate unless it was absolutely obvious that the older child deliberately did a vicious act of violence to a younger child. But if it was just a thoughtless act, that’s what kids do–they don’t think before they act.

I’m guessing that you were/are more exhausted (and possibly still tense over the dentist stress) than you thought you were, and your emotions got the better of you this time. Next time, you’ll be ready for this.

And I wouldn’t have left after the incident. I would have laughed it off, told the boys, “Everything’s fine, you’re OK, honey, mommy’s just a little tired, let’s play some more,” and I would have let the boys play (unless as I said earlier, the age limit is above 18months). Children, especially boys, need to experience some rough and tumble play–your son wasn’t hurt, so why take them home? They did nothing wrong, chances are good that the big kid did nothing wrong (just foolish)–so let them enjoy a playground.

There is not a posted age limit, but the size and style of the equipment does not suit a normal sized child over the age of 6. There is a designated area for babies, and neither of my kids were there (that hasn’t held my younger son’s interest since he was about a year old). I have seen play places that are built for older children and this is definitely NOT one of those. They are rare around here, but perhaps more common in other areas if that’s what’s coming to mind for other readers when reading my post.

I guess there is some confusion - I don’t think it even registered to my kids, or anyone, that I was angry, at all. I didn’t express it at all to my knowledge, except for a few calming breaths. I didn’t say anything to anyone about what happened (though I did have a moment where I wanted to.) Also, the going home was unrelated, though I can see how it looked like it was with how I wrote it - we were going to be leaving in the next few minutes anyhow to get home for nap.

It was just an intense feeling, that disappeared almost as instantly as it arrived. But I never felt like that before. It was anger but also protectiveness all wrapped up with it and it came from some instinctual place that I’m obviously not familiar with. Maybe my unfamiliarity with it, and writing about it the way that I did, made it sound like I was a mom that is going to show up on the evening news one of these days? That wasn’t my intent at all in writing this thread.

Sometimes I forget how things are read on CAF. You’d think I’d learn by now.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I think some of the other posters may have misunderstood your description of that moment or emotion, or perhaps they just have not felt that particular feeling themselves.

I understood what you were saying. Yes, that’s the “mama-bear instinct”. Yes, I’ve experienced it, too! It can be incredibly sudden and very intense–it’s hard to describe everything that goes through your head in those few split-seconds. And yeah, that instinct can be frightening when it hits, especially for someone who is normally calm, cool, collected, and reasonable. I’ve tried to explain the feeling to my husband, but since he hasn’t felt it before, it’s really hard to define it in a way that truly expresses how sudden and powerful (yet brief) it can be, without making it sound to him as though I was entertaining thoughts of vengeance or something.

It’s not at all inappropriate (it’s not even a deliberate choice) to have that “mama bear instinct”; it’s an involuntary, powerful feeling, and I absolutely agree with Scottgun that feelings “are neither right or wrong, they just are.” The way you choose to respond is what is important, and your response was entirely appropriate.

 

[Viki63]

I have had that feeling myself, and it was triggered by a bigger child attacking my baby, when he was something under a year. The weird thing was, the bigger child was only about 12 or 14 months himself! So I realized the feeling was totally irrational, it was all about being “mama bear,” as you say.

I’m somewhat concerned that your child was playing on the equipment out of your reach. It must not have been very high, if 1 to 2 year olds were climbing on it, but in that case I don’t see how you couldn’t have been able to reach him.
I wouldn’t let a child under three go where I couldn’t get to him in a heartbeat; you just never know what might happen.
But perhaps I’m not picturing it correctly.

 

[pensmama87]

I have had that feeling myself, and it was triggered by a bigger child attacking my baby, when he was something under a year. The weird thing was, the bigger child was only about 12 or 14 months himself! So I realized the feeling was totally irrational, it was all about being “mama bear,” as you say.

I’m somewhat concerned that your child was playing on the equipment out of your reach. It must not have been very high, if 1 to 2 year olds were climbing on it, but in that case I don’t see how you couldn’t have been able to reach him.
I wouldn’t let a child under three go where I couldn’t get to him in a heartbeat; you just never know what might happen.
But perhaps I’m not picturing it correctly.

I could have climbed up myself in probably about 5-10 seconds (which I did partway to get him afterwards), but it’s designed in a way that children can’t fall out - there are entrances and exits. It’s not normal playground equipment - it’s inside, a series of stairs and tubes and mini-slides, all enclosed. A parent (or employee) can get in if necessary to retrieve a child, clean, etc, but it’s a tight squeeze!

I imagine that the construction is less about limiting parental access than it is avoiding lawsuits for a child who might fall in less encased equipment. Really, the only hazard posed in that kind of equipment is by other children, and yesterday was the first time out of many I’d witnessed anything like that. Some pushing and a finger getting stepped on, yes, but never seen a big kid deliberately step/jump on a baby.

I’m still going to let my kids play there, and I don’t think I’m a horrible mother for doing so. But like I said, I’ll avoid the crowds and times when older children are likely to be present. I do that for basically any other playground-type space anyway.

 

[CradleJourney]

In that moment I learned what it means to see red. For about five seconds all I could think was, “I really need to get my hands on that little $#%& who hurt my baby.” Then the feeling dissipated as I heard my son cry and then became frightened that he was seriously hurt - he wasn’t, thank God, but he was scared
but I think I'm more upset at how upset I got in that instant. I have strong emotions, but I've never actually wanted to throttle somebody. Thoughts? Similar experiences?

Mom of six here. Yes. Definitely yes, I have had similar moments. Recently had a discussion with a co-worker who was thinking of joining the military - but only in a support role because he “never wanted to actually kill someone” - didn’t think he would ever be capable of causing harm. (Nice young man btw - hope he does well in life.)

I, however, had to mentally laugh because I know I am quite able to kill someone should the need ever arise (though I pray with all my might it never, ever will!) to protect a child - mine or someone else’s.

Thankfully I only have had to go “mamma bear” in appropriate ways - usually dealing with bureaucracy in medical or school settings. I can become intense, implacable, insistent and as my one son who witnessed an incident “coldly angry”.

In these cases, my child needed an advocate and it was only by making it clear to the other adult involved that they were going to deal with the situation, they were going to deal with it NOW, and they were going to come up with a satisfactory solution, was the issue resolved. I don’t like channeling emotions like that and it takes a great deal to push me to that point. But I think it benefits my kids to know that if it’s really, really needed, they do have a “mamma bear” in their corner.

 

[LongingSoul]

Oh yes! I have experienced that sudden rage at another child that caused hurt to my child. I also think it is very normal. It’s only not normal if you entertain it intellectually past the immediate incident I think. If it was just an act of childish stupidity on the part of the other child, you’ve got to remind yourself pretty quickly that your own kids are inevitably going to do some childishly stupid things to others themselves in the course of their growing and learning. It feels horrible to think another mother could have that intense rage at *your *child for their silly act.

It’s even harder to understand it when the kids get older. I had one situation where my daughter was befriended by another girl at school at around age 10. This girl was a nasty piece of work and had a habit of saying things that made my daughter feel inferior and inadequate, among other nasty practices. The rage I felt towards that girl was very strong and even bordering on vengeful. I regularly told myself to find a theory that would foster charitable thoughts towards her while making sure I counselled my daughter and kept in touch with her teacher to monitor the situation. That did work. Now 10 years later, that girl is a disturbed mess of a person and I actually genuinely feel sorry for her. Her family life was disturbed and dysfunctional all the way through. I’m very glad my daughter ended the friendship when they entered highschool though. phew.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I think some of the other posters may have misunderstood your description of that moment or emotion, or perhaps they just have not felt that particular feeling themselves.

I understood what you were saying. Yes, that’s the “mama-bear instinct”. Yes, I’ve experienced it, too! It can be incredibly sudden and very intense–it’s hard to describe everything that goes through your head in those few split-seconds. And yeah, that instinct can be frightening when it hits, especially for someone who is normally calm, cool, collected, and reasonable. I’ve tried to explain the feeling to my husband, but since he hasn’t felt it before, it’s really hard to define it in a way that truly expresses how sudden and powerful (yet brief) it can be, without making it sound to him as though I was entertaining thoughts of vengeance or something.

It’s not at all inappropriate (it’s not even a deliberate choice) to have that “mama bear instinct”; it’s an involuntary, powerful feeling, and I absolutely agree with Scottgun that feelings “are neither right or wrong, they just are.” The way you choose to respond is what is important, and your response was entirely appropriate.

Exactly.

As many posters here know, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. We don’t have contact with them at all.

At one point when I was pregnant, I suddenly imagined what might happen if, after DD was born, DH and I passed away and custody somehow got awarded to them.

Ohhhh yeah. Mama bear rage moment right there.

Again, though, it’s all how you handle it. You and I both handled it appropriately–you in the way you described, me by sitting down with DH and his parents and making arrangements to ensure that they would take DD if anything happened to us, as well as asking my sisters to testify about our parents and upbringing at any sort of custody hearing that might take place.

Calling my parents to threaten them with physical harm plus and legal resources I could possibly drudge up if they ever came within several miles of my daughter would have been a tad over the top* , just as you telling off this other kid would have.

We can’t help our feelings and protective instincts. They can be useful at times, like when a mom lifts a car off her kid, but as they say in 12-step programs, feelings aren’t facts. They’re there, and they exist, and we can acknowledge them, but then we act on reason and not necessarily on those feelings.

*Did I mention I was pregnant? Hormones, much?

 

[MomaMary8]

Feelings are real, hormones are real, the desire to protect our children is so deep it almost feels innate. But I’d like to post the following from the catechism:

Respect for the reputationof persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:

of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;
of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.
**To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way: “Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. **And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.” (CCC 2477-2478)

As a Christian, it is our duty to foster charity in our heart. We must strive to overcome our emotions that lead us to rash judgement of others. I know as a mother I’d much rather be hurt than to watch my child be injured thoughtlessly or with malice. I think the devil recognizes this in me as well, as I seem to have plenty of opportunities thrown at me to practice charity I offer this post hoping to help, not as a condemnation but as (hopefully) a way to grow in Christ.

God bless

 

[randomusername]

I see what you mean and what you experienced is natural. Everyone will get angry if they think that someone intentionally hurt their child. Some people here seemed to read it as you being barely in control of yourself but I know what you mean. You wouldn’t have actually done anything to the older child but you still felt very angry for a few moments because of maternal instincts to protect the child.

 

[aTraditionalist]

My problem is that my home and work life collide randomly. I’m a father of four, and have spent nearly all of my adult life in the military. I’ll spare you the details of the instances of dealing with questionable characters when my children were present but I’ll give you a lighter moment.

We were at Mass and this particular parish had a wing for a cry room. It had speakers and big screens. Well 20 screaming kids, running kids with toys, parents passively sitting on the fringes, well I lost it for a brief moment. About 3 seconds later all the kids and their parents were sitting quietly and following the liturgy on the big screens.

It is nice to know that I haven’t lost my command voice.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[DaveBj]

My problem is that my home and work life collide randomly. I’m a father of four, and have spent nearly all of my adult life in the military. I’ll spare you the details of the instances of dealing with questionable characters when my children were present but I’ll give you a lighter moment.

We were at Mass and this particular parish had a wing for a cry room. It had speakers and big screens. Well 20 screaming kids, running kids with toys, parents passively sitting on the fringes, well I lost it for a brief moment. About 3 seconds later all the kids and their parents were sitting quietly and following the liturgy on the big screens.

It is nice to know that I haven’t lost my command voice.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

Te-e-en - HUT!!!

 

[Tiffany10]

My problem is that my home and work life collide randomly. I’m a father of four, and have spent nearly all of my adult life in the military. I’ll spare you the details of the instances of dealing with questionable characters when my children were present but I’ll give you a lighter moment.

We were at Mass and this particular parish had a wing for a cry room. It had speakers and big screens. Well 20 screaming kids, running kids with toys, parents passively sitting on the fringes, well I lost it for a brief moment. About 3 seconds later all the kids and their parents were sitting quietly and following the liturgy on the big screens.

It is nice to know that I haven’t lost my command voice.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

Good for you… Even I have yelled at kids to SXXT UP !
and parents just sit there and stare