Why am I so gifted, while having been so sinful?

[undeserving]

This may sound strange. I used to live a very sinful life untill a few years ago. Since then I have had a full conversion and cleaned up my life, but the guilt for my previous life remains, even though I know that God has forgiven me, I know this intellectually.

However, my life though has taken on a new aspect. I have found new friends, I have met very holy people who love and appreciate me, my career has taken on a new dimension, and is going amazingly well. It is as if I have been blessed again and again and again.

My question is, why is this happening? i don’t deserve it, I feel totally undeserving. I should be suffering. I feel instead of being punished I am getting more then I ever hoped for, I am truely wondering, I am afraid that I may be lulled into a state of compacency, all the spritual fervour that brought me to Christ might weaken, it hasn’t yet, but I can imagine it doing so. Sometimes I start wondering that this new life, blessed with so rich , is a dream that will be snatched away, that it is a form of temptation, that I should withdraw from it.
Am I wrong? should I stop pondering and worrying? Am I crazy for thinking like this? Please tell me what to do.

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

Dear Un,

God doesn’t forgive us because we deserve forgiveness. He didn’t suffer and die on Good Friday for us because we deserve it. What human could ever deserve it? Who of us even deserves existence? Such generosity speaks of a divine love that is beyond our ability to fully comprehend.

Rest assured, there are crosses for you in the future. He loves us too much to not give them to us. They provide us with ways to love Him back. For now, let your awareness of His generosity be incentive for you to spend more time offering Him your thanks. Spending time before the Blessed Sacrament on a regular basis would be a good way to begin.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.