Why am I still single at 31?

[Kindness]

Most women aren’t that bright "

But mysteriously they are smart enough to leave you to your own devices.

“And remember, once you can fake the sincerity that goes with this strategy, you’ve got it made…”

Anyone who believes “faking sincerity” is a good idea when trying to begin a relationship shows how little they care about other people.

OP I would suggest you take advice from happily married men who met their partner in their 30s and beyond. “Cranky old bachelors” tend to stay that way.

 

[Jay82]

I am 31 years old, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I just can not find a companion. I have nver been in any kind of serious relationship. I dated one girl for about a month back in 2000, and that is the only time I have ever been involved with someone.

This sounds a bit like me here, but I am few years younger. It isn’t the end of the world though. I am just enjoying the various things I am doing in my life now and meeting new people all the time.

I never had a drink of beer until my 21st birthday, and I take pride in that

Me too. I never had any alcohol until my 21st birthday, which was only a glass of wine. I do however, enjoy alcohol very much now, but I don’t drink excessively by any means. By not partying and drinking in college it took my slightly longer to make friends, but it was worth it since the friendships I formed were with people who have similar values as me and we are all still great friends to this day and I don’t see that ever changing.

I have stayed a virgin to this day for many reasons, and I took pride in that. I wanted to wait until I found that special someone who would appriciate it. I had the hopes that when I did meet someone, SHE would also be a virgin, and my first time would also be her first time. But the older I get, the more I lose hope because the chances of me finding someone else my age who is also a virgin are very slim.

It makes me sad, because I did what I felt was the right thing and waited. But what did I get for it?

I have stayed a virgin too. My hope was always to meet a girl that was a virgin as well, but realistically I’m fine with any girl that will abstain until marriage regardless if she had sex in the past or not. At our age, finding girls who are still virgins as well is really slim unless you go for someone much younger…and they are generally too immature in my opinion.

You don’t want to be like the rest of them. So what if you don’t have a girlfriend or wife now. You took the ‘high’ road. You lived a good moral life and probably lead by a good example. What you have done so far, very few are able to do. You should be happy with yourself for staying true this whole time. Don’t trick yourself into believing that if you were drinking/partying that you would be married now. There are plenty of people who opt to party it up and are either still doing so, have a kid out of wedlock, or are still single because they can’t maintain relationships. So where would that get you?

All of my cousins who are younger than me are all married and starting their families. Everyone I knew growing up, that I went to school with or played with on my street are all married.

Yeah, I know many people within five years of my age (older/younger) who are married with kids. It would be great also be married, but single life has afforded me so many good opportunities and chances to develop as a person. I wouldn’t change anything so far, although I do hope to find a girl soon, but if not, I know there are plenty of good things I can do in the meantime.

Everyone tells me I need to get out more and it will increase my chance of meeting someone. (I am a home body most of the time besides going to work, ETC.) But I personally don’t believe that it will help. And the reason I don’t think it will, is because most people meet their partner just living their normal course of life.

Why can’t I meet someone just living my normal life?

Yes, people do meet their spouse through their normal course of life, but maybe it is time for you to change your normal course of life. Step out of your comfort zone. If you just go to work and go home every day, it will be very hard to meet women since you will only come in contact with the same ones over and over. Get out and do things, force yourself to not be a homebody.

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[djeter]

djeter;6173467:

Most women aren’t that bright "

But mysteriously they are smart enough to leave you to your own devices.

“And remember, once you can fake the sincerity that goes with this strategy, you’ve got it made…”

Anyone who believes “faking sincerity” is a good idea when trying to begin a relationship shows how little they care about other people.

OP I would suggest you take advice from happily married men who met their partner in their 30s and beyond. “Cranky old bachelors” tend to stay that way.

OUCH!

And most women who can’t see an old Groucho line about faking sincerity probably need to lighten up, wouldn’t you say? Unless of course you really think its the men who are all leading you astray and there aren’t any nitwits among you…

dj

 

[LilyElain]

I am 27 years old, and for a female watching a lot of my friends get married right out of college has made me wonder…
But I have hope…I always will.

PS. I am a homebody as well, but I do have interests outside of home. Meet a group of new people at church, go to dinner out once in a while, sit in a coffee shop reading…simple things. However, it is easy for me to say such things, since I am to be pursued…I will pray for you…

 

[Norseman82]

Also, why care if you’re single?

Uh, maybe because he determined that if he could handle lifelong celibacy he’d be wearing a collar by now?

 

[LilyElain]

Although, I do drink…I was raised with wine and beer being okay in my house, I do not drink to drunkenness, and never really saw the reason to.

I am a virgin, I think that it is a bit stereotypical to say that it is something that could be hard to find. I am friends with many good Catholic women who have fought to save themselves for marriage, as well as several sisters.
Keep looking, and a woman will come along who will be what God knows you need.

 

[chevalier]

There’s not really such a thing as drinking age, unless in some jurisdictions. What’s regulated normally is the age for purchase of alcohol or for public possession and in some jurisdictions it may be a crime to give alcohol to minors, at least in a way inducing alcoholism.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Most women aren’t that bright so if you recommend a book or short story to them, they think YOU think they are bright – kind of a reverse psychology. Works like a charm when you are jockeying for early affection. And remember, once you can fake the sincerity that goes with this strategy, you’ve got it made…
dj

You have to be kidding, right? What on earth do you mean? It sounds like disgusting sexism to me. And it doesn’t make you sound like the sharpest tool in the box either my friend.

 

[DL82]

A few thoughts. I haven’t read all the replies in this thread, just going on your original post.

1. You say you don’t like drinking or going to parties. It’s good that you don’t want to be involved in immorality, but do you have a social life? It’s important not to become too withdrawn, else you’ll have nothing to talk about when you do meet the girl of your dreams. Maybe join a club, take up a sport or another hobby.
2. Don’t get too hung up about marrying a virgin. It’s not the end of the world if your wife to be is someone who has made mistakes in the past, as long as they have learned from them. I’m sure you haven’t always been perfect yourself (because none of us are, all of us sin), you wouldn’t want her to rule you out just because of some private fault of your past. I’d hate to think I had blown my chance because of the mistakes in my past.
3. OK, this is something I hate people bringing up, I’m 27 and single, and it took me a while to be sure I wasn’t on the wrong track because of the number of people who kept saying this, it really knocked me off kilter for a while, but, what they heck, I’ll say it anyway: Have you ever thought about becoming a priest? I know you say you imagine marriage, but think about what you really want, is it a life of prayer and devotion with the companionship of others who are similarly devoted to the Lord? Is it a life that has purpose and bears fruit in love? It may be that you could find those things in a religious order. It may not be. You know your own heart in these matters.
4. Seriously, don’t get so down. The fact you’ve considered suicide is a pretty serious sign. Our faith should be consolation and joy. You sound like you view your faith as a burden, like you’d really like to ‘have fun’ and go out drinking and sleeping around like your secular friends. It’s not about giving up on ‘fun’, but finding real joy in the truth - and that ought to include joyful recreation, good clean fun. Consider what we really have, the joy we ought to feel, we have been made partakers in the divine nature, sharing in the saving work of Christ. Be joyful. I will recommend 3 big things that made a difference in my life: The spirituality of St Francis de Sales, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar; The Legion of Mary, which lives out the apostolic spirit of the Church, in consecration to the loving spirit of Our Lady (and may be a place to meet a like-minded lady), or joining another association like the Society of St Vincent de Paul; A book called “God of Surprises” by Fr Gerard Hughes SJ. I mean it, cheer up! Nobody’s going to want to get to know you while you’re so down. Besides, you shouldn’t be down, God loves you, we all love and are praying for you.
5. Have you ever thought of online dating?

 

[Norseman82]

I’m sure you haven’t always been perfect yourself

And just what in the world brought on this snarky personal attack?

 

[DL82]

And just what in the world brought on this snarky personal attack?

If you read what follows, I said that none of us are perfect. All have sinned. If we say we are without sin, we deceive ourselves. Unless the poster is on the same level as the Blessed Virgin Mary, he is a sinner like the rest of us. None of us are perfect, we all fall short in some small way. Sometimes it’s too easy to be judgmental about sexual sins, but to ignore the sins against the other 8 commandments. I’m not making a personal attack, merely trying to help the original poster to understand the need not to judge others.

 

[Norseman82]

If you read what follows, I said that none of us are perfect. All have sinned. If we say we are without sin, we deceive ourselves. Unless the poster is on the same level as the Blessed Virgin Mary, he is a sinner like the rest of us. None of us are perfect, we all fall short in some small way. Sometimes it’s too easy to be judgmental about sexual sins, but to ignore the sins against the other 8 commandments. I’m not making a personal attack, merely trying to help the original poster to understand the need not to judge others.

I see by your signature that you are part of the “Tiber Swim Team”, meaning a convert, so I will give you a refresher on Catholic teaching in case it was not presented to you in RCIA.

Not all sins are equal. Some are mortal, some are venial. And in 1 Corinthians, fornication is especially singled out among other sins for seriousness and which we must flee.

Or, to paraphrase my next door neighbor, he may have committed sins, but he didn’t commit THAT sin.

Additionally, if he has spent all that effort and suffering to give 100% of himself to his future bride, I don’t see it as very Christian of us to begrudge him the small comfort of getting a wife who will give him back the same 100% if it means that much to him. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Give the guy a break.

 

[djeter]

You have to be kidding, right? What on earth do you mean? It sounds like disgusting sexism to me. And it doesn’t make you sound like the sharpest tool in the box either my friend.

OUCH TWO

Boy, a little entertaining sexism and some Groucho Marx brings the best out of you two ladies. If you had read the whole discussion here you would have seen an earlier post that answered your first question affirmatively. But I guess relations between the sexes are no laughing matter to my two detractors. I obviously need to be severely beaten about the head and shoulders for even SUGGESTING that dumb chicks gravitate to overly aggessive “cool” dumb guys.

dj

 

[whatevergirl]

And the women they come on to aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer either…but don’t get me started, as a cranky old bachelor I’m already on dangerous ground with the ladies to begin with…

But the lad needs some good advice. Try this – a reflection on a Raymond Carver short story called “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.” Ray Carver’s classic is on an Esquire list of 75 books that every man (and woman) should read and is generally regarded as one of the finest statements about the modern American relationship. If you enjoy the essay, find the book of short stories.

Then when you meet Ms Right, you’ll have something to talk about. Most women aren’t that bright so if you recommend a book or short story to them, they think YOU think they are bright – kind of a reverse psychology. Works like a charm when you are jockeying for early affection. And remember, once you can fake the sincerity that goes with this strategy, you’ve got it made…

But I digress. Here’s the link:

payingattentiontothesky.com/what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-love/

dj

*Well, at least you prefaced that with …"as a cranky old bachelor.’’ *

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Hi all,

Hope I’m posting this in the right section. I found this forum and thought it would be a good place to post and ask for (name removed by moderator)ut on my situation. I answered all in red to your post. Sorry, I though this the only way to address you.

I am 31 years old, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I just can not find a companion. I have nver been in any kind of serious relationship. I dated one girl for about a month back in 2000, and that is the only time I have ever been involved with someone. This doesn’t mean things can’t change.

All my life since I was a little boy, I dreamed of meeting someone and getting married, and having a family. I would have never guessed that I would still be waiting for this to happen at 31 years old. This doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

Here is the thing, I am different from the rest of the majority of the people out there. I don’t drink, I’m not into partying, doing drugs, sleeping around, or any of that kind of stuff. I never was. When I went off to college, all of my class mates tried getting me into that life style and it just was not me. I never had a drink of beer until my 21st birthday, and I take pride in that, and I never went out sleeping around just to “have fun.” This is good and commedable, but doesn’t exactly make you husband material YET. This is the basics and what one is supposed to do… You will find that being a husband and head of a family will take more effort than doing the basic good.

I have stayed a virgin to this day for many reasons, and I took pride in that. I wanted to wait until I found that special someone who would appriciate it. I had the hopes that when I did meet someone, SHE would also be a virgin, and my first time would also be her first time. But the older I get, the more I lose hope because the chances of me finding someone else my age who is also a virgin are very slim. God knows what you desire. God knows who will be perfect for you. He knows where she is right now and HE can put you together WHEN He wants you together… But it will have to be at His time which is when He will KNOW you are prepared to pick up the plow and you won’t be so as long as you are focused on this “problem”. This is joyful news. Embrace being single because God is saving you from making a mistake if you are not ready for it. Continue saving yourself for your future bride and trust in the Lord and SEEK HIM focus on serving Him.

It makes me sad, because I did what I felt was the right thing and waited. But what did I get for it? I thought I would eventually have kids some day and honestly be able to tell them that I never went out partying, doing drugs, and sleeping around. But in all honesty, if I’d have known that it would get to this point, I would have gone out and had fun and been just like the rest of them. I feel that I have been a good person all my life and it has gotten me nowhere. And you truly think giving in would have put you in any better position today? You are fortunate to still be a virgin- Many would love to be in your shoes, but sadly fell into the same mistakes your peers did. Perhaps you just need someone to remind you that virginity is NOT shameful… All single women I know who are good candidates for marriage would find that a plus. The ones who would not or would at least laugh at your virginity are not good candidates for marriage.

And it makes me mad, because if I were to meet that special someone, I would do anything and everything to make sure she was very well taken care of. I would make her feel loved and appriciated. I would never cheat or treat her like garbage like I see so many others out there doing to their partners. Yeah, I hear that a lot. This is good and commendable again… but I do say, don’t ever say “never”. We are all sinners and subject to fall easily. It happens. This is why we MUST be rooted in Christ and grow strong in Him. I’m a bit worried you might idolize marriage too much. ? Don’t make marriage the goal in your life or expect it to be the thing you must get to make you happy! As a woman, I would HOPE TO GOD my husband would put Christ first above me and not make me his all. I can’t live up to such high expectation ( and NO WOMAN can) and if His eyes are on Christ it will make it a lot easier for me to be the helpmate. Yes, you read that right. You may still be stuck in fantasy land.

Why is it THOSE kind of people have all ended up in relationships, while I am still waiting? Like someone said… they were aggressive, and they both got the shorter end of the stick, sadly, same for their poor children. Women usually will not pursue, and in my opinion they should not. Also consider yourself lucky, if you were female you are a heck of a lot less attractive to a potential mate as you get older, but even with this, God will provide. Men seem to get more attractive as they age because they are more stable. Women who are serious about motherhood look to build nests. What have you been doing to prepare yourself physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually for marriage? If you are not doing that, then ask yourself why do you say you are interested in marriage? Are you really serious about it?

to be continued…

 

[AnneElizabeth]

All of my cousins who are younger than me are all married and starting their families. Everyone I knew growing up, that I went to school with or played with on my street are all married. … We all mature at different ages and are ready for different things at different times. I’m sure you knew a few kids who could not ride a two wheeler when you had already mastered it. There is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, so as long as we try to mature and bloom.

Am I destined to be single forever? … If God were asking you to be chaste forever, how would you handle that? Would you say no to Him? Would you not trust His judgement? Would you not see that there can be merit to a life that is not procreating children? Do singles have no merit? No offence, but it sort of seems like you are buying into that notion that is out there. I know SO MANY single catholic people and they are so fun to be around, it makes you wonder why they never did marry. It is obvious to me that single life is “do-able”, though missing a gift others will have the chance to experience. I believe God grants graces necessary. I’m not saying you will be single or that God is calling you to a life of perpetual singleness, but what is so wrong about that? Why, in your mind is that a thing to be abhorred enough to make you have suicidal thoughts? What are you holding on to here and why? What is the true fear here? !!! Shame? Afraid you are not lova-able? Think God doesn’t care about you?

My brother in law has a friend who is in his 40’s who has never been married … Don’t make marriage an idol! Where have you put Christ in your life now? He created you and you want to hold the knife to Him, because you don’t want to be old and single? I think, or rather, I hope, you are just being moody here. Having a tantrum moment, not getting what you want when you want it? Sorry to be frank, but this needs to be perfected if you want to be married and will be if you turn to Christ in full but only BEFORE you find your future wife. TRUST IN THE LORD. HE NEVER BREAKS HIS PROMISES.

It is very hard to see all of my friends and family all getting married and starting their families … and I wonder why God put me here at all… Look into this. You need to heal this through Christ. (don’t let anyone tell you to go take an Anti-Depressant… that will not work here!) To know Christ is to know ourselves and then He will be able to direct you but you must follow Him. You are like a small sapling… striving to push fruit (children) when you aren’t even big enough to have a full canopy of leaves in which to protect it from getting eaten by pests! Keep striving to grow properly in the Lord. Our culture today promotes prolonged adolescence. Do your life choices promote that adolescence? Music, movies, tv shows, interests…etc.

Everyone tells me (that you need to get out more, paraphrasing here)… But I personally don’t believe that it will help… I think you are correct, it will not help! But I think you should try to do it just because it is good to be social. Hang out with some Catholic groups!

Why can’t I meet someone just living my normal life? …, I meet no one. These parties sound like no place to meet someone. I think you may watch too many tv shows? They are not realistic nor good examples.

I know for a fact that I’m not the only person out there that’s in my situation. Buy why can’t I meet somoene like that? Someone who is honest, open, down to earth and genuinely a nice person who also wants to get married? You will someday with God’s help. OR, maybe not!

I will just never understand it. Everyone tellme me not to give up, it will happen some day, etc…but I don’t understand why “it” didn’t happen years ago like it does for everyone else? I think this is where the little sapling is gaining enough strength to push a canopy so he can bear fruit in a good way. Better have enough water and dung!!! Read your Bible to understand that.

On the positive side…many people I know have been divorced after being married after only a few years, and I don’t want that. My parents have been married for more than 40 years, and that’s what I want to happen to me. Give thanks to God!

I just don’t understand what is wrong. You have more growing to do if it hasn’t happened… be patient, but first try and put this worry aside, focus on your life with God, your faith. Are you sure this is your vocation? How much time and effort have you spent really preparing yourself for the role of father? Just wondering. No offense but you sound as if you are still in dream phase. Embrace this struggle. Embrace being single! This is your time to be alone with the Lord! That is exciting!

 

[Nec5]

Uh, maybe because he determined that if he could handle lifelong celibacy he’d be wearing a collar by now?

Um, he never said that. And you don’t have to enter the clergy if you are single and never marry.

 

[Norseman82]

Um, he never said that. And you don’t have to enter the clergy if you are single and never marry.

Which is why I prefaced my remark with “maybe”.

And you don’t have to enter the clergy if you are single and never marry.

The point is that inability to handle lifelong celibacy is a very big (and very biblical) reason people get married instead of entering ordained or religious life. I find that is one factor that is seldom discussed in discerning married vs. celibate life.

 

[Nec5]

Which is why I prefaced my remark with “maybe”.

The point is that inability to handle lifelong celibacy is a very big (and very biblical) reason people get married instead of entering ordained or religious life. I find that is one factor that is seldom discussed in discerning married vs. celibate life.

Well, you’re no fun. I can’t disagree with your replies.

 

[KindredSoul]

The following has nothing to do with criticizing the OP, for whom I actually have deep sympathy. I just wanted to make some points about the following, since it came up.

Not all sins are equal. Some are mortal, some are venial. And in 1 Corinthians, fornication is especially singled out among other sins for seriousness and which we must flee.

Fornication is by no means the only mortal sin, and even if it’s a particularly serious one (according to 1 Corinthians) due to the spiritual/psychological harm it does to one’s own body and the body of the other fornicator, by no means is there a cosmic, unspeakable gulf between it and other mortal sins, so that the sin of, say, stealing practically looks like a virtue next to it. By no means is that so, despite how sometimes we people of faith can tend to regard it. In other words, I’d say that anyone who has committed any Mortal sin doesn’t have much room, if any, to consider themselves superior, maritally or otherwise, to someone who has fornicated but is now repentant…and while 1 Corinthians does especially warn against committing it, I think that’s hardly a justification–nor do I think Paul intended it to be–for virgins to judge someone who had fornicated in their past but who presently is committed to chastity with as much sincerity as a virgin. It just doesn’t follow from the scripture that such judgment is justified, and it seems that if someone understands it that way then something is being read into those scriptures that isn’t there.

Additionally, if he has spent all that effort and suffering to give 100% of himself to his future bride, I don’t see it as very Christian of us to begrudge him the small comfort of getting a wife who will give him back the same 100% if it means that much to him.

I do understand that, but this implies (intentionally or not) that a non-virgin, but repentant, wife would actually be deliberately holding back part of herself and thus is simply not as selfless with her husband, at present, as a virgin. It makes it seem as if virginity actually guarantees a more loving and selfless wife and a non-virgin, no matter how repentant, is guaranteed to be less loving and more selfish in a relationship. This is a wrong image. A non-virgin who currently practices chastity can still give herself 100%–yes, 100%–to her husband. It’s just that part of that 100% is that she has made sexual mistakes in her past. Where the virgin brings her innocence and sexual naivete, the non-virgin brings her complete trust that her husband is as a unique reminder of Jesus’ forgiving love, willing to accept her despite past mistakes that he himself never made.

I actually admire a man for being honest enough with himself not to marry a non-virgin if he knows that he won’t be able to get over it. It would only hurt both him and the wife. He must realize, however, that there is as much a psychological weakness on his part presently as there is a sensual weakness confined to the woman’s past. His psychological imperfection may not be a moral one, but it is an imperfection nontheless, and it is just as much to blame as the woman’s past if it gets in the way of his giving her a chance no matter how righteous, repentant, loving, and religious she may be now. Think–if such a man had no way of knowing her past, the woman might seem like Joan of Arc and yet, once he finds out her past, he might still reject her on that basis! An inability to get over such a living saint’s past is indeed a psychological setback on the part of the one with that inability. I use such an extreme, saintly example for emphasis, but the same would apply to any repentant non-virgin who is presently and foreseeably of just as good character or better character than a given virgin. There is no practical reason, and if you believe in forgiveness no religious reason, to consider the former less worthy to marry than the latter.

Even God gives us the ability to do penance, even to gain a plenary indulgence and thus relate to Him as though we had never sinned (for all practical purposes, as in such a state we can even bypass Purgatory). If God, to Whom Sin is infinitely offensive, can do that, surely there is some way that a non-virgin who is repentant can redeem herself in a mortal man’s eyes so as to be worthy of marrying him. Another point regarding the “but he saved himself for his wife and wants a wife who did the same” argument, Jesus abstained from all sin for our sakes, yet He is willing to accept in most intimate communion even the worst sinner who has repented and amended his life. This is a good example of true love.

If there were some practical reasoning behind all this, something less abstract than just her past, such as maybe the woman already having a baby when the man wanted to be able to actually start a family the right way or at his own pace, then it would be different, due to the fact that his physical, tangible experiences couldn’t possibly be the same with that woman as a woman without a child. He doesn’t have to be stuck in her past, or even know her past (if he were naive enough not to ) in order for that obstacle to be a real one, and that’s the difference. The virginity factor alone only bothers a person unable to look away from his wife’s past, and if he could do that he could be perfectly happy (again, assuming she is truly repentant and chaste).

By the way, I want everyone to know that the man/woman roles, in each instance and sentence here, could be reversed. I’m a man so I’m writing from that view. I feel the same things are true if the situation is the other way around.

Blessings in Christ,
KindredSoul