Why am I struggling accepting my pregnancy?

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vrsrice

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Less than a month ago my husband (25) and I (24) got married and about a year before that we both converted to Catholicism. We have made many changed in our lives including becoming abstinent before we were married and using NFP once we were married. I am a teacher and he is deploying with the Army in June through March. Until his deployment, I am the primary financial provider. We recently moved into a one bedroom apartment and signed a year long lease because he will be gone.

Our plan was to wait to start a family until he got back from deployment and found a good civilian job, but about 4 days ago (literally 3 weeks after our wedding) I found out I was pregnant.

I have been having some very mixed, and honestly quite a few negative feelings about the situation we are currently in.

First, I definitely think my family members (none of them are Catholic and they do not understand our conversion) are going to think that we are being irresponsible for having a child so soon and with my husband leaving for deployment. I guess I think it is irresponsible too.

Second, I have no idea how we are going to pay for a child, bring an infant home to a one bedroom apartment, and then care for a child while he is still on deployment. Luckily I will have a few month maternity leave, but he will probably still not be back by the time it is over.

Third, I do not understand why God is allowing this to happen. I can’t understand why he thinks this will be good. I feel a little slighted because we changed our whole lives to become Catholic and now this pregnancy sort of feels like a slap in the face.

I feel so unprepared. I wanted to have more financial stability, a house, and a husband present before starting a family.

I have felt so distant God since finding out I was pregnant and I honestly and just looking for some comfort and advice from other Catholics who trust God and might have some insight into His plan for my family.
 
One of the beautiful things about pregnancy is that it gives you several months to prepare. You have lots of time to adjust to the new path your life is taking.

Also, babies don’t have to cost a lot. They need a safe place to sleep, something to eat, a car seat to ride in, and clothes/diapers of some kind. There are lots of ways to save money on each of those items. The first few months (or longer) the baby doesn’t need a separate room. So a one year lease on a one bedroom apartment isn’t so bad.
 
Oh! And congratulations! I know you may not feel like this is something to be congratulated on right now. But you will eventually. 😊
 
Babies are a blessing.

First, what your family or friends say, if they cannot be happy about this child I’d not even tell them for now.

Your husband is in the military, so, he will be able to provide income and medical insurance.

Babies don’t need more than some clothes (that you can get free from friends or at very low cost second hand), a car seat (many places offer them for free if you cannot afford one, check around) and diapers.

Most women cam breastfeed, that feeds the baby for the first year. Be sure to sign up for WIC.

Baby can sleep with you. You can find a gently used pack and play or something similar (but, usually someone in your circle of friends will have baby gear that you can borrow).

Begin to thank God for this new life.
 
The first pregnancy is always scary, even when it comes a bit later in marriage, as it did with my wife and me. But there is a reason that pregnancy lasts for nine months. You have time to prepare. A few thoughts on your situation:
  • You don’t need more than one bedroom until the baby is at least one or two years old, and maybe older. My wife and I did co-sleeping with each of our babies, which made night-time breastfeeding much easier for my wife. But even if you don’t want to do co-sleeping, you can have the baby’s crib in your bedroom. And the baby can sleep in your room until the next one comes, or until he is around two or three years old.
  • Babies really don’t have to cost that much. We always heard about how children are so expensive. And they do get expensive later on. But in our experience, there really isn’t much extra expense during the first few years (unless you need daycare, which hopefully you can find a way to avoid, either by staying home yourself, or getting help from grandparents). Just find a good consignment store in your area for baby clothes, a car seat, and other needed items. Or maybe you know another mom who is giving away baby clothes. There is no need to spend a lot on baby clothes when they outgrow their clothes every few months.
  • If you want to stay home with the baby, perhaps you can live off your husband’s military pay, once he is deployed?
  • As for the new baby’s grandparents being less than enthusiastic, we experienced the same thing when we had our fourth child. But that all changed once the baby came, and hopefully it will for you too. And here’s a tip: Consider honoring the most reluctant or unenthusiastic grandparent by naming the child after that grandparent, if possible – even if it is only the child’s middle name. We did that, and it seemed to help.
  • The second baby is easier than the first baby, the third baby is easier than the second baby, and so on (assuming no serious medical issues or other special circumstances).
Oh, and congratulations!!!
 
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One more thought: When my wife and I first learned that she was pregnant with our first child, I was scared. And there have been many tough times along the way with raising our children, even some times when I fell into the depths of despair because my wife and I felt so overwhelmed. But looking at my oldest son now, who is growing up to be such a wonderful young man, I know that every difficulty and trial that we faced was worth it. I firmly believe that your child will be a great blessing to you, though the road of motherhood will not be an easy one. Trust in God.
 
Hi,

welcome!

On a practical level, one bedroom for a baby isn’t a problem. It is even recommanded that the baby sleep in the parent’s bedroom the first year.
A baby can cost very few. You can purshached used clothes, used baby furnitures…And some friends or family can offered you or loan a lot of things.
A stroller can be of no utility for a little baby, a wrap or a physiological baby carrier can reimplace it.
On food, breastfeeding is recommanded as an exclusive food for 6 mouths, and to be continued for 2 years or more, by the WHO. So it is free.
There is no utility for bying baby food. The baby can eat the same food as you. You just have to be careful on the begining and adapted the food and introduce it slowly.

If you like mash for baby, you can buy a mixer, if you have not had one, but it is an option. You can buy a use it, which reduce the cost.

Is there any store or association that sell used products near you? It can be a great ressource for very low cost things.

Our situation with the first baby (a planned pregnancy).
  • always at a parent’s home.
  • baby share the same bedroom (and still at near 2 years).
  • breastfeed exclusively for 8 mouths, and breastmilk always an important food for her now
  • we have buy very very few clothes and a baby mixer (but baby don’t like mash…): we loan and offered a lot of things
  • washable diapers, so no money to buy disposable diaspers regularly (it is very costy)
  • we loan a bed, a bassinet, a stroller, an umbrella bed, a deckchair, a car seat for baby, a nursing pillow, some toys
    -we offered us high chair
we open a birth list, so our relatives buy us washable diapers, a nurshing pillow.

So we buy just : some whasable diapers, a wrap and finally a used stroller.

In my experience what is needed at fisrt, is a car seat, a baby bed, a nursing pillow a wrap and diapers.

And yes, my husband worked far away, and I am a stay at home mom, and we have very low income. (under the poverty level, for our country). But our baby had all is needed.

On a psychological level, I have no problem with acceptation of this first pregnancy. It is a little more difficult for the second pregnancy which arrive with very few anticipation.
 
I believe that your main problem is the acceptation of this unplanned pregnancy.

It is hard when we have believed that our life will be differently ordered.

It is hard also, if you trust NFP and don’t know what was wrong. You can make a “pregnancy evaluation” with a NFP teacher to try to understand what was the problem and eventually changed some rules in the future. If you are in this situation.

But I don’t see any irresponsability in accepting it or a material problem.

On the practical level, It is important that the mother is not left alone the first months with a baby. We don’t know before, but you can be VERY EXHAUTED. And you will probably need help; for houselhold chores, food… a lot a things.

Is there any relative that would help you if husband is far away?
 
Almost every base has a mom’s group. No one is going to understand you quite as well as they will. Typically, they will also have things to give away because moving is expensive and baby gear is bulky. In MANY circles they have a whole process of women who help others through labor, care for other children, early baby care, etc.

These days mothering can be a lonely proposition. with kid 1, hubby was back to work during her 3rd week. Each kid means less time. Find people who understand.

Plan ahead–cook easy meals and freeze them. You will be tired as time goes on and honestly cooking for the week is just as much effort. Practicing this will help you after you have the baby, too.
 
Be thankful to God you are having a baby. It is a gift of life. Look forwards to the day when he/she will come and rejoice with thanksgiving. Lessen your worries and leave everything to GOD and depends on His providence. God will bless you.

Include in your prayers how you love the baby in your womb and can’t wait for him/her to arrive.

God bless.
 
vrsrice said:
Third, I do not understand why God is allowing this to happen. I can’t understand why he thinks this will be good. I feel a little slighted because we changed our whole lives to become Catholic and now this pregnancy sort of feels like a slap in the face.

I feel so unprepared. I wanted to have more financial stability, a house, and a husband present before starting a family.

I have felt so distant God since finding out I was pregnant and I honestly and just looking for some comfort and advice from other Catholics who trust God and might have some insight into His plan for my family.
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Golly, I can understand how overwhelmed you feel. You are right that you don’t understand God and HIS timing. But please just trust in HIM. He wants ONLY what is good for you. The way you look at it right now it isn’t good. But that baby inside you is a real person. Half you and half your husband. And your family may think it is poor planning but please give it a chance. When the baby is born and they see the little face (that probably will favor some of THEM!) It will make a huge difference. I will offer all my prayers for you especially today! Have faith in God’s goodness.
 
Congratulations! Like everyone else has said, the newborn stage isn’t that expensive and I’d go so far as to say that most parents have their infant sleep in their room for the first so many months anyway, because it’s just easier. I know it doesn’t seem this way now, but you’ve got a whole lot going for you! You’re going to be fine!
 
jlc2k2 said:
So a one year lease on a one bedroom apartment isn’t so bad.
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Yes–you can either share the bedroom with the baby (which your pediatrician would like) or give the baby the bedroom and you sleep in the living room.
 
I’ll pray for you and congratulations.
Big changes can be scary, and feelings aren’t wrong.
But babies aren’t a punishment from God.
Our youngest was a surprise and we were never able to have more.
:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
For you
 
vrsrice said:
I have been having some very mixed, and honestly quite a few negative feelings about the situation we are currently in.
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It’s actually not uncommon to have some negative feelings even about a very planned pregnancy.

I remember wondering (after achieving our VERY planned first pregnancy at 26/27)–what was I thinking?
vrsrice said:
First, I definitely think my family members (none of them are Catholic and they do not understand our conversion) are going to think that we are being irresponsible for having a child so soon and with my husband leaving for deployment. I guess I think it is irresponsible too.
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You’re 24, your husband is 25, you’re married, you have a job, he has some sort of job now and a job with really good benefits in a couple of months–nobody is being irresponsible here.

Try to save while you’re pregnant, though, build up your support network, and create some contingency plans in case of medical emergency (like, have a list of people who have agreed to help you if your husband is not around). Also, figure out your benefits situation in a month or two.
vrsrice said:
Second, I have no idea how we are going to pay for a child, bring an infant home to a one bedroom apartment, and then care for a child while he is still on deployment. Luckily I will have a few month maternity leave, but he will probably still not be back by the time it is over.
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As we’ve mentioned, a one-bedroom apartment is fine for now.

Save for unexpected expenses and learn about infant care and consider staying with family during your maternity leave/until your husband comes back. You have a pretty short span of time between the end of maternity leave and your husband coming back and at least 9 months to figure out what to do about it.
vrsrice said:
Third, I do not understand why God is allowing this to happen. I can’t understand why he thinks this will be good. I feel a little slighted because we changed our whole lives to become Catholic and now this pregnancy sort of feels like a slap in the face.
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You’re going to be OK. There are probably couples several years younger than yourselves deploying with your husband in exactly the same situation (but without your good job).
vrsrice said:
I feel so unprepared. I wanted to have more financial stability, a house, and a husband present before starting a family.
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“Unprepared” is pretty typical of new parenthood. Financially speaking, you have a lot of things going for you. You don’t need a house for a newborn.

I do suggest, though, that by the time your lease is up, that you start thinking about an optimal rental for your family: good commutes, convenient to grocery, library (toddler activities!), playground (very important for 1-5-year-olds) and other children’s amenities. A 2-bedroom unit would be nice if you can get it.

I have to say that as a teacher, you’re very well placed to get the straight story on kid stuff. Once you announce at work, start asking for information on all of this stuff.
 
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Also, if your husband is going to be in the military, you probably shouldn’t buy a home until it’s very clear that you’re going to be in a particular area 5+ years.

As long as you are mobile, you should be renting and saving.
 
There’s tons of good advice here!

My husband and I had a “honeymoon baby,” and while we were worried about some of the same things, we largely found the same as what’s been said here. I think finding support is huge, and as mentioned the military may already have that. You can also check your parish, through work, or online for local moms groups. I highly recommend finding “real life” people to connect with.
 
You will feel differently once the baby is born. I know this from mom. I was this child who was extra considering the space available and money and all the plans. But because they now needed a bigger place they concentrated on it and got it. Maternal instincts happen mostly after birth so it’s not unusual you don’t feel much about your baby now. Everything changes after you will hold him or her.
 
Mary888 said:
You will feel differently once the baby is born. I know this from mom. I was this child who was extra considering the space available and money and all the plans. But because they now needed a bigger place they concentrated on it and got it. Maternal instincts happen mostly after birth so it’s not unusual you don’t feel much about your baby now. Everything changes after you will hold him or her.
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Actually, this is not true. The circumstances make the OP at high risk for PPD. Studies are also showing that many woman–maybe a majority–do not have that wonderful rush of emotion. I adjusted to being a mother perfectly fine. I did not dislike it…however, it was weeks, if not months before “everything changed”

The OP needs to find good support ahead of time beacuse the last thing she needs is to be strugglign with an infant and feeling bad because she’s not getting “the feels”
 
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