Why are we obliged to have Godparents

[Allegra]

It’s time once again for that lovely tradition that turns what ought to be a joyful celebration of my child’s initiation into the Church into a stressful, resentment causing, reminder of how isolated my husband and I are as the only practicing Catholics in our family. It comes to this, We don’t know anybody that meets even the basic criteria for Catholic Godparents on a level where there is even a shaky chance that they will be a permanent fixture in our lives. Furthermore, it infuriates certain members of my family that we consider choosing “strangers” over members of our own family. (Despite the fact that those members are not only not Catholic, but anti-Catholic, and in some cases not even Christian at all)

Given these circumstances, why are we obligated to name some people as Godparents? What is the point? Surely, it doesn’t benefit my children in any way to have Godparents that have no earthly intention of fulfilling the role! Isn’t no example better than a bad example? Adults get baptized all the time and they don’t have “Godparents”. Why can’t we just opt out of that part and celebrate our child’s Baptism without the unneeded stress?

 

[Kelfa28]

I had to comment on this.

I really want to see a decent answer to this question because we’ve been in the exact same boat for every one of our children.

The only practicing Catholic family member we have was my husband’s great Aunt who is in her mid 80s and basically goes to Church out of habit at this point.

We used her for our oldest because we were new to the Church and knew no one who would fit the bill.

Our second was a friend of ours who went to Church with us, after we got to know some people in the parish, but that set off a major fire storm in our family as people were seriously incredulous that we would pick someone we knew for a few months over family members.

I know exactly what the Church’s intention for Godparents are but it just wasn’t worth the aggravation and headaches it caused us when it came to our family members.

This parishioner has since left our Church and we haven’t heard from her in almost 2 years.

For our third we picked closer Church friends since we’ve been in our Parish for several years now.

But, honestly I just don’t see the point in having them anymore. It’s a tradition that we have dreaded over and over again.

It’s made our families feel awkward and out of place so much that almost no one from either side of the family even bothered to show for our youngest child’s baptism. My parents and my FIL were the only family members there versus the siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins that filled the pews.
My husband’s mother didn’t even bother to show up and that broke my heart a little bit.

We are in the same exact boat. No one practices the faith in our family and picking out Godparents is not joyous but just a chore that has turned into a complete let down.

 

[agapewolf]

Perhaps this could be motivation to get to know people and develop good relationships with strong Catholics…

good community assists you in your faith, too.

 

[Allegra]

Perhaps this could be motivation to get to know people and develop good relationships with strong Catholics…

good community assists you in your faith, too.

Community isn’t family. We can choose some of the folks we have coffee with at the parish breakfast, but that doesn’t solve the problem that if either of us move across town we’ll never hear from them again and it certainly won’t help the resentment it causes in my family.

 

[underacloud]

Given these circumstances, why are we obligated to name some people as Godparents? What is the point? Surely, it doesn’t benefit my children in any way to have Godparents that have no earthly intention of fulfilling the role! Isn’t no example better than a bad example? Adults get baptized all the time and they don’t have “Godparents”. Why can’t we just opt out of that part and celebrate our child’s Baptism without the unneeded stress?

To clarify a couple of points:

a) you only need one Godparent. Two is permitted, even encouraged, but only one is needed (or none in extreme circumstances).

b) adults require sponsors too. The sponsor is colloquially termed “Godparent” when the candidate is an infant, but a sponsor is required either way. The sponsor not only helps the candidate through the process, but plays a role of representing the Church (locally and universally) in presenting the candidate as suitable for the sacrament.

If you do not have any suitable family or friends for the role, your parish priest could help you find a local parishioner. While I understand this is less ideal, it could be a good way to draw your family closer into parish life, and give you an extra person who will watch out for your child, offer prayers for them, and hopefully make an effort to watch out for your whole family.

 

[agapewolf]

Community isn’t family. We can choose some of the folks we have coffee with at the parish breakfast, but that doesn’t solve the problem that if either of us move across town we’ll never hear from them again and it certainly won’t help the resentment it causes in my family.

Read the first sentence again.

“GOOD relationships”.

Doesn’t mean that you won’t hear from them again. Develop GOOD relationships and it can last.

 

[Kelfa28]

Read the first sentence again.

“GOOD relationships”.

Doesn’t mean that you won’t hear from them again. Develop GOOD relationships and it can last.

Good relationships take time.

This advice isn’t helpful for brand new converts who have just had a baby. That was exactly our position 4 years ago. We knew nobody in our Church.

It has taken us 4 years and 3 babies to be comfortable asking Church goers we feel comfortable with.

In truth…it’s quite a lot to ask for a couple of introverts. Telling hubby and I we need to be social enough, quickly enough to find good friends in a brand new community is overwhelming.

Really overwhelming. Wee tried it and it was rough…seeing that my middle daughter will probably never know her Godmother.
She never returned our emails or calls.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

It’s time once again for that lovely tradition that turns what ought to be a joyful celebration of my child’s initiation into the Church into a stressful, resentment causing, reminder of how isolated my husband and I are as the only practicing Catholics in our family. It comes to this, We don’t know anybody that meets even the basic criteria for Catholic Godparents on a level where there is even a shaky chance that they will be a permanent fixture in our lives. Furthermore, it infuriates certain members of my family that we consider choosing “strangers” over members of our own family. (Despite the fact that those members are not only not Catholic, but anti-Catholic, and in some cases not even Christian at all)

If those family members are anti-Catholic, why do you even tell them about your children’s baptisms? Why start trouble?

I don’t want to lecture you, but you do need to make Catholic friends. The Church is a community of believers.

 

[agapewolf]

Good relationships take time.

This advice isn’t helpful for brand new converts who have just had a baby. That was exactly our position 4 years ago. We knew nobody in our Church.

It has taken us 4 years and 3 babies to be comfortable asking Church goers we feel comfortable with.

In truth…it’s quite a lot to ask for a couple of introverts. Telling hubby and I we need to be social enough, quickly enough to find good friends in a brand new community is overwhelming.

Really overwhelming. Wee tried it and it was rough…seeing that my middle daughter will probably never know her Godmother.
She never returned our emails or calls.

I didn’t know they were “brand new converts”…

but the advice is indeed helpful…and actually necessary. And can be extremely fruitful.

 

[Xantippe]

We had similar issues when we were having our first two kids. We squeaked by with two sets of godparents (including one who had to be imported from a couple states away) and then moved. That wasn’t the main reason for our move, but as it happened, our godparent situation substantially improved at our current location. We’ve only needed one set since then, but we have a virtually unlimited supply now.

 

[pianistclare]

The issue is that your relatives don’t seem to know themselves what a godparent/sponsor is or does.
They think of it as some sort of honorific title that they are owed.
A sponsor is one who answers questions and offers support in matters of faith. How can one answer questions of faith or do something as simple as offer to drive to Mass if mom and dad are away if one is not a practicing Catholic?
If the people knew what it is REALLLY about…they wouldn’t even want the job.
They’d run fast the other way. The priest actually ASKS if they will support the parents n the faith during the Baptism as part of the Rite.
Explain that a sponsor is a supporter in faith. Period.
“*Can you do that? Willing to promise before God and the congregation on behalf of this baby? No?
Then I have some friends at church who will happily promise. Come and witness the Sacrament. We’d love to have you share in our joy. *”
You could get one sponsor and one “Christian witness” but that would require a Christian who is actually into his or her faith. They don’t need to know if their name will be on the certificate or not. They’ll never see it and you could avoid some drama that way.
Children whom I have sponsored have come to me in their teens with sensitive questions/topics because they didn’t want to discuss certain things with their parents, but still wanted to get a Catholic answer.
Godparents are important. It’s a big responsibility and a well as a joyful one.
Good luck.

Edited to add:
It’s not a rejection of THEM…
it’s an ACCEPTANCE of the role for someone who will fill it.
They are the ones actually rejecting that role.

 

[dans0622]

…Given these circumstances, why are we obligated to name some people as Godparents? What is the point? Surely, it doesn’t benefit my children in any way to have Godparents that have no earthly intention of fulfilling the role! Isn’t no example better than a bad example? Adults get baptized all the time and they don’t have “Godparents”. Why can’t we just opt out of that part and celebrate our child’s Baptism without the unneeded stress?

Hello,

Canon 872: “In so far as possible, a person being baptized is to be assigned a sponsor (Godparent).”

Talk to your parish priest about your situation. I’ve never seen or heard of a baptized Catholic who had no Godparent but it is at least theoretically possible, if there truly is nobody who will fulfill the assigned role.

Dan

 

[1ke]

It comes to this, We don’t know anybody that meets even the basic criteria for Catholic Godparents on a level where there is even a shaky chance that they will be a permanent fixture in our lives.

Ask for assistance from your pastor in selecting a godparent or godparents.

Furthermore, it infuriates certain members of my family that we consider choosing “strangers” over members of our own family. (Despite the fact that those members are not only not Catholic, but anti-Catholic, and in some cases not even Christian at all)

that’s their problem, not yours.

Given these circumstances, why are we obligated to name some people as Godparents?

In so far as possible, yes, we are to have a sponsor. At least one, but two are allowed.

What is the point?

What do you believe the point to be?

Surely, it doesn’t benefit my children in any way to have Godparents that have no earthly intention of fulfilling the role!

You don’t know that. What do you believe the godparent’s role to be? This person can certainly pray for your child regularly.

Adults get baptized all the time and they don’t have “Godparents”.

Yes, they do. The canonical term is sponsor, and that is for infants and adults. Typically an adult’s baptismal sponsor is also their Confirmation sponsor since both happen at the same Mass.

Why can’t we just opt out of that part and celebrate our child’s Baptism without the unneeded stress?

I suggest sitting down and talking with your pastor. You’ve let other people make this about them. It’s not about them. It’s about your child and his/her entry into the Church. Parents cannot sponsor their own child for baptism. Allow someone to sponsor your child.

If you don’t have close relationships in your parish, perhaps work on developing some. Or do you move frequently?

 

[1ke]

It’s a tradition that we have dreaded over and over again.

I think this is a primary part of the problem. People perhaps do not understand what a sponsor is. Instead, “godparent” has been turned into some sort of goodie-gum-drop reward and families have a Sally Field moment “You picked me! You like me, you really really like me”…

It is not a popularity contest.
It is not a prize to be bestowed on people.
It is NOT a “tradition” in the secular sense.
It is not about getting gifts from or giving gifts to Little Junior.
It is not about getting to lord it over other family that you got picked and they didn’t.

It is a serious aspect of the sacrament of baptism. It is literally having someone stand up at the baptism and assist the parents in claiming the child for God. There are many people in parishes who are sponsors for new Catholics, adult and infant alike, who may not be close with the family. But “close with the family” isn’t necessarily a requirement. The requirement is that this person have the willingness to pray for the child, help the child spiritual if they are able, and pray for the parents as well.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’ve been in similar circumstances. My DH’s siblings are not Godparents to any of our children.

My BIL assumed that he was going to be Godfather to our first since he was the best man at our wedding. It’s a tradition in my cultural background that the maid of honor and best man are Godparents to the first born. I guess, that tradition evolved, because it assumed the people witnessing your wedding were Catholic, and a year or so later that they’d be Catholic.

My BIL got divorced and remarried in another church. We couldn’t pick him, as Godfather, my DH confirmed with the priest performing the Baptism.

My MIL tried to make us feel guilty, accused the priest of being a trouble maker, how dare us not pick BIL. yada, yada, yada.

Sigh.

 

[PhiloMed]

I completely agree with Allegra and Kelfa. The Godprent process brings stress and strife to what should be a joyous occasion. It completely defeats the purpose of celebrating a new life in the Church when it leads to either temporary or sometimes permanent rifts among family.

I wish we could skip it as I see little purpose to it, but alas we are stuck.

The “solution” seems to be to just make more church friends. This is utterly ridiculous in my opinion. Friendships take time to develop and one likely is not thinking about godparents until expecting a child. Also, I have never in my 34 years of being Catholic made friends through church. I made friends from school and work. I have maybe 6-8 people I consider close friends. Only one is a practicing Catholic. We go to Church weekly but it is not a social experience or maybe it’s just not the way I socialize. I need to be around someone for quite some time before a friendship develops. This is why work has been great. Friendship develops slowly over time working with someone and maybe eventually leads to socialization outside of work. Unless I’m going to develop that relationship walking from the pew to the car- it ain’t gonna happen at church.

Part of this is time and part is opportunity. I work Monday-Friday. Arrive at home around 6 which means dinner, play and bed for the kids, catch up on things at home and crash at 10. Most church events (usually a scripture study) occur at 7pm. That’s great if you have no kids or they are grown- which is exactly the age group attending those. 60+. Nice people but not exactly my peer group for socialization. I tried organizing weekend church outings for families, but this had almost no interest because of soccer, baseball and whatever. The church ministries meet in the middle of the day. Church is simply where we go to worship and while we try to participate in events that are at a time we can attend, it ends up being rare.

No, the “Church community”, while a nice idea is not available everywhere or for every lifestyle.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, as a person “in the business” as they say, I’m really saddened by the negativity.

No wonder our children don’t see the faith as any big deal.
It’s hard to catechize children without proper spiritual influence.

It’s not a parent’s fault of their relatives see it as a formality and a membership card that they get punched.
But the reality is that it’s a Sacrament.
One we don’t enter into lightly on behalf of our children.
Surely SOMEONE in a person’s life is a suitable sponsor.

 

[Allegra]

If those family members are anti-Catholic, why do you even tell them about your children’s baptisms? Why start trouble?

I don’t want to lecture you, but you do need to make Catholic friends. The Church is a community of believers.

First of all, the family members who are resentful aren’t the anti-Catholic ones. They don’t understand why the Godparents have to be Catholic because they aren’t Catholic themselves and in their mind it’s just an honorary title that you can bestow on anyone you like. I’m not “starting trouble”. How do you expect someone to keep a Baptism a secret from some members of their family? That doesn’t sound possible unless we were to keep the fact that we’re Catholic a secret as well. Obviously, the fact that we’re Catholic implies that our kids are Baptised. If any family members want to know who the Godparents are, are we supposed to keep that information top secret? It seems really strange and unnatural to me to insist that one have an extremely close relationship with people they see at Church, but keep things superficial with actual family members to the extent that they aren’t aware that your child has been Baptised.

 

[pianistclare]

First of all, the family members who are resentful aren’t the anti-Catholic ones. They don’t understand why the Godparents have to be Catholic because they aren’t Catholic themselves and in their mind it’s just an honorary title that you can bestow on anyone you like. I’m not “starting trouble”. How do you expect someone to keep a Baptism a secret from some members of their family? That doesn’t sound possible unless we were to keep the fact that we’re Catholic a secret as well. Obviously, the fact that we’re Catholic implies that our kids are Baptised. If any family members want to know who the Godparents are, are we supposed to keep that information top secret? It seems really strange and unnatural to me to insist that one have an extremely close relationship with people they see at Church, but keep things superficial with actual family members to the extent that they aren’t aware that your child has been Baptised.

Well then it’s up t you to educate them.
Tell the truth:
In our faith, a Godparent is one who helps to instruct the child in the faith and also supports the parents by giving good example. Period.
If they can’t get that, then I don’t’ know what to tell you.
The truth is always the best way. Reasonable people ought to grasp that. If they are that unreasonable as to start a fight over it, then they weren’t suitable in the first place. Regardless of their religious outlook.
Good luck.

For the record…if I didn’t have my church friends and church “family” I wouldn’t have anyone. Joe’s people are 4000 miles away in Ireland, and my family is 2000 miles away.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know if this would help, but one thing to tell the relatives is that you want to ADD more good people to your child’s life.

Sis loves baby and auntie loves baby. Great! But they’re not going to love baby much more just by being baby’s godmother. And that’s something you can say, “Is sis really going to love baby less if sis isn’t the godmother?” or “Is sis going to love baby more if she’s the godmother?”

I think there’s a lot to be said for expanding baby’s circle of contacts and well-wishers, rather than doubling up and making close blood relatives also close spiritual relatives.