Why are we obliged to have Godparents

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pianistclare said:
No wonder our children don’t see the faith as any big deal.
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I see it as a VERY big deal and that’s why I’m not too pleased with the notion of a “fake” godparent. (Meaning a honorary title bestowed to a family member who really isn’t in a position to be supportive of the faith life of our family OR a casual acquaintance, choir member, PSR director, KofC buddy, or other random member of the parish who is not likely to remain close to the family if one or the other moves.) Both my husband and I got token godparents. Mine actually were family members (my mother’s cousin and her husband) and despite having all the qualifications as a lifelong practicing Catholic and a principal at a Catholic elementary school, she made absolutely no effort to be involved in my life. My mom invited her and asked her to family events for years until she finally gave up. What kind of example is that to a child? Anyone can pray for my kids. I have many family members and friends who, despite not being Catholic, would be happy to do that. But for the position of Godparent, if we can’t have someone who’s in it for the long haul, I don’t see how it’s anything other than harmful to my kids’ spirituality. I wish people DID take it seriously, but they don’t. And until they do, why open up my kids to being disappointed?
 
Allegra said:
I see it as a VERY big deal and that’s why I’m not too pleased with the notion of a “fake” godparent. (Meaning a honorary title bestowed to a family member who really isn’t in a position to be supportive of the faith life of our family OR a casual acquaintance, choir member, PSR director, KofC buddy, or other random member of the parish who is not likely to remain close to the family if one or the other moves.) Both my husband and I got token godparents. Mine actually were family members (my mother’s cousin and her husband) and despite having all the qualifications as a lifelong practicing Catholic and a principal at a Catholic elementary school, she made absolutely no effort to be involved in my life. My mom invited her and asked her to family events for years until she finally gave up. What kind of example is that to a child? Anyone can pray for my kids. I have many family members and friends who, despite not being Catholic, would be happy to do that. But for the position of Godparent, if we can’t have someone who’s in it for the long haul, I don’t see how it’s anything other than harmful to my kids’ spirituality. I wish people DID take it seriously, but they don’t. And until they do, why open up my kids to being disappointed?
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Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?

Because of distance issues, my two oldest children are far, far away from their godparents. We see one godfather from time to time (and he and his wife have sent us Magnifikids and liturgical wall calendars). The other set of godparents are less active, but I’m sure they think of our second child (the godfather is a priest, so that’s nice). I’d really like to introduce our second child to his priest godfather, as I think they would really hit it off and I think our son would actually make a very fine priest himself, but geography is tough. That godfather last laid eyes on our middle child at the baptism, but my husband sees the godfather from time to time when my husband is travelling for work.

I’ve never heard any disappointment from my big kids about their absent godparents. They just enjoy what they do get and don’t think much about it.

Our 3-year-old has local godparents and we see the family regularly, so that’s nice.

If I were you, I’d just go with a conscientious Catholic or two and just accept whatever they are able to offer.
 
Allegra said:
First of all, the family members who are resentful aren’t the anti-Catholic ones. They don’t understand why the Godparents have to be Catholic because they aren’t Catholic themselves and in their mind it’s just an honorary title that you can bestow on anyone you like. I’m not “starting trouble”. How do you expect someone to keep a Baptism a secret from some members of their family? That doesn’t sound possible unless we were to keep the fact that we’re Catholic a secret as well. Obviously, the fact that we’re Catholic implies that our kids are Baptised. If any family members want to know who the Godparents are, are we supposed to keep that information top secret? It seems really strange and unnatural to me to insist that one have an extremely close relationship with people they see at Church, but keep things superficial with actual family members to the extent that they aren’t aware that your child has been Baptised.
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Perhaps it would be helpful to stop referring to godparents and start referring to “Catholic sponsors of the baptism”.
 
pianistclare said:
Well then it’s up t you to educate them.
Tell the truth:
In our faith, a Godparent is one who helps to instruct the child in the faith and also supports the parents by giving good example. Period.
If they can’t get that, then I don’t’ know what to tell you.
The truth is always the best way. Reasonable people ought to grasp that. If they are that unreasonable as to start a fight over it, then they weren’t suitable in the first place. Regardless of their religious outlook.
Good luck.

For the record…if I didn’t have my church friends and church “family” I wouldn’t have anyone. Joe’s people are 4000 miles away in Ireland, and my family is 2000 miles away.
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It’s less about a “fight” and more about hurt feelings occurring at a time that’s supposed to be joyful. I might be able to say “suck it up buttercup” with more facility if I actually had awesome grandparents available who I knew really and truly believed in the faith AND were willing to make a permanent investment of their time in my child. But I don’t. And while the religious education director or the deacon’s wife are happy to put their name on paper, they aren’t going to be around when my child is 13 and needs spiritual guidance.
 
Allegra said:
It’s less about a “fight” and more about hurt feelings occurring at a time that’s supposed to be joyful. I might be able to say “suck it up buttercup” with more facility if I actually had awesome grandparents available who I knew really and truly believed in the faith AND were willing to make a permanent investment of their time in my child. But I don’t. And while the religious education director or the deacon’s wife are happy to put their name on paper, they aren’t going to be around when my child is 13 and needs spiritual guidance.
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I would be.

You won’t know until you select a good Catholic, right?
 
1ke said:
Perhaps it would be helpful to stop referring to godparents and start referring to “Catholic sponsors of the baptism”.
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It probably would help make my family feel less offended, but it still wouldn’t solve the problem I have of not having anyone who can be a “CSB”.
 
Xantippe said:
Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?

Because of distance issues, my two oldest children are far, far away from their godparents. We see one godfather from time to time (and he and his wife have sent us Magnifikids and liturgical wall calendars). The other set of godparents are less active, but I’m sure they think of our second child (the godfather is a priest, so that’s nice). I’d really like to introduce our second child to his priest godfather, as I think they would really hit it off and I think our son would actually make a very fine priest himself, but geography is tough. That godfather last laid eyes on our middle child at the baptism, but my husband sees the godfather from time to time when my husband is travelling for work.

I’ve never heard any disappointment from my big kids about their absent godparents. They just enjoy what they do get and don’t think much about it.

Our 3-year-old has local godparents and we see the family regularly, so that’s nice.

If I were you, I’d just go with a conscientious Catholic or two and just accept whatever they are able to offer.
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What’s up to me? Two of the situations you describe are exactly the completely non-beneficial relationships I’m not keen on insulting people I love over. I’m told I’m supposed to tell me family members (who actually care about my child) that I can’t chose them as Godparents because I have to choose a practicing Catholic. And the selling point I’m supposed to use is that these people are going to be a good Catholic example in my child’s life and support him in his spiritual journey. And then I’m supposed to put down the name of a “good Catholic” who my child will never heard from again. Again, if I had someone in my life who was likely to do what the Church asked of a Godparent, then this would be a much easier situation. But I don’t and that’s why I’d just as soon opt out.
 
What’s up to you is how you present it to the child. “Oh, look, your godmother sent you some Magnifikids/beautiful liturgical calendar/a pretty rosary for your First Communion!” focuses on what is there, rather than what’s not there. There’s an emphasis on gratitude.

I don’t think I’d use the “good Catholic” verbiage to the rejected relatives, as that would be insulting.

Your husband works at a church, right? Does he have any ideas? If I were you, I would hand this off to him.
Allegra said:
What’s up to me? Two of the situations you describe are exactly the completely non-beneficial relationships I’m not keen on insulting people I love over. I’m told I’m supposed to tell me family members (who actually care about my child) that I can’t chose them as Godparents because I have to choose a practicing Catholic. And the selling point I’m supposed to use is that these people are going to be a good Catholic example in my child’s life and support him in his spiritual journey. And then I’m supposed to put down the name of a “good Catholic” who my child will never heard from again. Again, if I had someone in my life who was likely to do what the Church asked of a Godparent, then this would be a much easier situation. But I don’t and that’s why I’d just as soon opt out.
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Allegra said:
What’s up to me? Two of the situations you describe are exactly the completely non-beneficial relationships I’m not keen on insulting people I love over. I’m told I’m supposed to tell me family members (who actually care about my child) that I can’t chose them as Godparents because I have to choose a practicing Catholic. And the selling point I’m supposed to use is that these people are going to be a good Catholic example in my child’s life and support him in his spiritual journey. And then I’m supposed to put down the name of a “good Catholic” who my child will never heard from again. Again, if I had someone in my life who was likely to do what the Church asked of a Godparent, then this would be a much easier situation. But I don’t and that’s why I’d just as soon opt out.
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👍

Oh how I wish I could opt out.

My godparents were friends of my parents chosen because they introduced my parents to each other. Though I saw them from time to time, never in my life was faith even discussed. I’m not sure if they even attended church regularly but maybe they did.

Godparents would be wonderful if they fulfilled the intended role. Since they rarely do, I fail to see the purpose other than creating problems.
 
PhiloMed said:
👍

Oh how I wish I could opt out.

My godparents were friends of my parents chosen because they introduced my parents to each other. Though I saw them from time to time, never in my life was faith even discussed. I’m not sure if they even attended church regularly but maybe they did.

Godparents would be wonderful if they fulfilled the intended role. Since they rarely do, I fail to see the purpose other than creating problems.
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The solution is education not elimination. 😉
 
We only have one relative out of five godparents (second son has only one). We’ve found that nobody’s really cared, although we don’t do a huge baptism party (we’ve done earlier and earlier with each kid, so I’m really not up to a party at 3-4 weeks old), and we ask the godparents and file all the paperwork we can before the birth. When we don’t make it into a “thing,” that seems to keep everyone calmer about it. By the time anybody thinks to ask, it’s already over.

We found a really good group of people through parish activities, and do a lot with them socially. That’s really taken off since my oldest started preschool. All our godparents have different relationships with our kids - some are more and others are less involved. I am reasonably assured though that even if they don’t get presents or see them often that my children are being prayed for, and that’s what matters to us. (And we pray for and send cards to the kids’ godparents as well. For our godchild, we do that plus send a small gift for Christmas and birthday.)
 
pensmama87 said:
We only have one relative out of five godparents (second son has only one). We’ve found that nobody’s really cared, although we don’t do a huge baptism party (we’ve done earlier and earlier with each kid, so I’m really not up to a party at 3-4 weeks old), and we ask the godparents and file all the paperwork we can before the birth. When we don’t make it into a “thing,” that seems to keep everyone calmer about it. By the time anybody thinks to ask, it’s already over.
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Funny!

Another advantage of quick baptisms!
 
pianistclare said:
If I’m near you…I’d love to. 🙂

Is there no one in your husband’s choir? A Deacon even?
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There are. But I’ve already explained how that doesn’t help the situation. I sat next to the deacon at dinner just last week (parish office Christmas party). He and his wife told us that they had literally dozens of Godchildren through the years. Apparently we aren’t the only people who have this problem by a long shot and they are the natural “Go-to, last resort Godparents”. The deacon’s wife told me that they moved parishes every few years and rarely kept in contact with the parents of the Godchildren, with the exception of the ones who were in their own family.
 
pensmama87 said:
When we don’t make it into a “thing,” that seems to keep everyone calmer about it. By the time anybody thinks to ask, it’s already over.
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That’s pretty much what we ended up doing, too. We never even told our extended families and friends about the baptism, not only because we didn’t have the space to host them, but mostly because we did not have the energy at the time to deal with questions about why so-and-so was the godparent and no one from this person’s side of the family. To this day a lot of people don’t even know he was baptized.

It’s kind of sad that we felt the need to do that. It was out of self-preservation at the time. But the issues brought up in this thread can be a really big deal. It’s mainly because of a misunderstanding between the secular definition of what a godparent is and the Church’s definition, I think. People get offended not to be chosen because they don’t understand what a big deal it is, or what it means. It’s hard because you want to say to someone who is upset about not being chosen “I think you’d make a really great Godparent, if you started going to Mass more often”, or something, but you can’t really say that.

We are fortunate that our son has wonderful godparents, who are also family members. But I can imagine that if we have another child and end up not choosing one side’s family again, there is going to be some tension. I really think the best thing to do is make a decision about who the godparents will be, inform those who ask, and not entertain any comments or questions about it either way. Or just have a really small baptism like we did, and avoid conflict…
 
pianistclare said:
That’s true! Pencil me in !
I can send a letter recommending myself, LOL
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So now I can tell my relatives that one of them can be the proxy for the real Godmother, a person I met on an anonymous internet forum. That should go over well.
 
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