Why Are You Scared of Religious Life?

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I am not quite sure acutally. For me it is the fear of losing my girlfriend who is currently my ex now. She is such an amazing woman. I dated her for 4 years and around the 2 and a half year mark the idea of the priesthood popped into my head as I became more interested in my faith. Especially apologetics. So I struggled with that for a few years and every time I thought about the priesthood I knew I would have to let her go and it tore me up. However I felt like if I didn’t give it some discerrment then I would be turning my back on God. How do you tell God no. So I ended up breaking up with her but I still have not let her go in my heart. It has been really hard on me and I have been depressed. Especially when I found out that she is interested in another man. But I have to trust in the Lord’s plan for me and know that His plans is far greater than mine.
 
For me I had a great desire and was very eager to enter religious life. But now that it is becoming more serious and in the near future it is becoming more scary. For me I worry about weather or not I am making the right choice. I also fear that this lifestyle will not satisfy me. I just need to work on trusting God. There is so much unknown in religious life and that is very scary! I am giving everything up for something that I cannot be completely sure is right for me. It is scary but I hope it will be rewarding 🙂
 
I am going to post something that is going to be wildly unpopular.

If God truly calls a person to religious life, that is great. I do think a lot of people overly romanticize it. I thought I was called, entered a community and left in novitiate after a serious nervous breakdown. The whole thing almost destroyed me. Literally. I am glad I am still alive and still have any faith at all, weakened as it may be.

It seems that a lot of the time only the strong survive in religious life. Every community is different. I entered with 5 and there are 2 left. The 3 of us that left all really struggle with some things that happened in community and in our personal experiences there. It is a very well-respected community and I will not share which one. It is a lot harder to leave than to enter.

I suppose I can expect to be attacked for posting this. If you have discerned with good spiritual direction that you may be called, go ahead and give it a go. But go in realizing that there is no going back to the life you had before, whether or not you stay. If you leave you will be a different person. For better or for worse.
 
elizabeth_anne said:
I am going to post something that is going to be wildly unpopular.

If you leave you will be a different person. For better or for worse.
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I don’t think this is as crazy as it may sound. I entered one community. Then we separated from it to become an independent community, albeit very small and very new. I know that I am definitely a different person from the person I was before I ever entered religious life. I’m also very happy and at times I struggle. But I remember the words of Our Lady to Bernadette, “I cannot promise you happiness in this world, but only in the next.”

Fraternally,

Br. JR, FFV 🙂
 
Elizabeth Anne,

Thanks for posting. It is precisely from people like you that those discerning religious life need to hear. If you would (without identifying the community), please share an example of something that happened in community that caused you and others struggle.

So many times, we think of discerning “out the trouble” from the perspective of the community toward the individual: do they meet our requirements…do background checks, personal histories, medical records, and personality testing reveal something suspect…etc. This is necessary, because theoretically all parties want to give a candidate the best shot at staying and thriving. Any change in relationship (either an entrance or departure) is going to affect both the community and individual. However, it will always affect the individual more, and therefore that person bears the greatest risk.

In reality, it needs to be a two-way street. Unfortunately, the individual discerning does not have the same information on the community in the same way. There is no corporate psychologist, financial auditor, or other professional that one can hire to check out the health of the community in the same ways that you will be probed. The only thing short of a “rate my professor” for religious communities is to continue to share vocation stories with discerners, even those stories that lead back out of religious life. While it’s important to protect privacy and confidentiality, it is ultimately unhealthy for the church to cover up anything that could be construed as spiritual, intellectual, or emotional abuse.

Part of the de-romanticizing process must include knowing about the bad and the ugly, and learning the warning signs.

We tell young women, when dating men (supposedly to discern marriage), to watch how he treats his mother: this is a sign of how he respects women and how he will relate to you. Why don’t we tell young people discerning religious life what to watch for?
 
elizabeth_anne said:
I am going to post something that is going to be wildly unpopular.

If God truly calls a person to religious life, that is great. I do think a lot of people overly romanticize it. I thought I was called, entered a community and left in novitiate after a serious nervous breakdown. The whole thing almost destroyed me. Literally. I am glad I am still alive and still have any faith at all, weakened as it may be.

It seems that a lot of the time only the strong survive in religious life. Every community is different. I entered with 5 and there are 2 left. The 3 of us that left all really struggle with some things that happened in community and in our personal experiences there. It is a very well-respected community and I will not share which one. It is a lot harder to leave than to enter.

I suppose I can expect to be attacked for posting this. If you have discerned with good spiritual direction that you may be called, go ahead and give it a go. But go in realizing that there is no going back to the life you had before, whether or not you stay. If you leave you will be a different person. For better or for worse.
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As ChemicalBean said, could you please tell us about the bad experiences that made you leave? It would help people like me who are discerning to find out if we are strong enough for the religious life. Please tell us.
 
I think that maybe I made it sound in my post like the difficulties of my situation stemmed from flaws within the community. This is not entirely false as there were problems, including some manipulation that was unhealthy. None the less, I think my own weaknesses were just as much of a contributing factor to problems that I had. I am prone to depression. My family of origin was very troubled. I am often given to perfectionism. All of this combined with the stress of living religious life and the flaws that existed in the community led to my trouble. None the less I am certainly not the only one to leave religious life in a more broken way than when I entered.

So, I guess I am not exactly the expert on what to watch out for when discerning a community or what qualifies a person as “strong enough.” Just don’t approach religious life lightly. Seek good counsel from a spiritual director and a vocation director. I will pray for all of those who are discerning.
 
I think I’m somehow rooted quite deeply in this world, which causes all of my doubts about my possible vocation to the priesthood. It really mystifies me - I have all of these desires to be holy and go to seminary after I graduate in less than 16 months, yet my body (perhaps the devil) seems to be resisting those desires as much as possible. I’m not really literally “rooted” in this world, as I am quite an introvert and wouldn’t have an exorbitant amount of current things to sacrifice, but it is my desires of the flesh (for human intimacy, my own family, etc.), it seems, that keep me “rooted” in the world.

That’s probably the biggest and most significant reason. It is also what keeps me away from priests, somehow - like, they’re too holy for me, or something. I know, it doesn’t even really make a lot of sense, but it happens to me every time I feel like I should discuss something with a priest.

Luckily, I’ve grown enough since my initial calling (which I would identify as happening in a small way more than two years ago, and in a stronger way a little over a 1 1/2 years ago) to make me willing to keep a weekly adoration and get me going to Mass 2-3 times a week, as well as going to confession at least monthly, if not more. I have also begun keeping a vaguely consistent schedule of praying Lauds and Vespers or Compline. No matter how “unholy” I think I am, I have still convinced myself that I will not be at peace until I go to seminary and either discern out or go on to become a priest, so at least I am “out of the world” enough to know I need to begin the application process (again; I started it 1 1/2 years ago and ended up getting “put on hold” a year ago) in another year.

So to sum up my main “fears”: giving up the possibility of a physical family of my own, and failing God due to my unholiness/unworthiness. I could also throw in the hesitation to make a commitment. Honestly, it really freaks me out, thinking about ordination…but I know, I know, that’s at least 6 1/2 years from now, if not more - I have much to go through before that could ever happen.
 
I have an aunt at home who who was ‘sent’ to a convent, left, and is not mentally stable since then. She lives with us.
I would love to enter religious life if I hear a clear ‘Yes’ from God. But entering and leaving after a few years terrifies me 😦 I would be a burden to others if I returned and finding a job isn’t easy.
This is in a country where single women can hardly live at peace, the ‘marriageable age’ for girls is not more then 26 and very few Catholics see religious life as a choice. It’s just ‘marriage’ everywhere 😦
Coming from a family where 2 aunts were ‘sent’ to the convent due to poverty, as they couldn’t afford education, and both had bad experiences, making a decision seems very difficult. Though I strongly wish I could become a nun, I wonder if it is possible :crying:
 
oiboyz said:
What if the community changes over time and loses its orthodoxy? That nightmare happened to many nuns in the 1960’s.

I’m scared of getting stuck in a community where the people, especially the superiors, turn out to be stupider than I am, or narrow-minded (not in the good orthodox way but in the bad way), or emotionally impulsive, or otherwise irritating to me. But I trust if that were the case I’d figure it out before final vows. I’m off to work on my pride now. 🙂
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From your last sentence, you are wise indeed, and judging superiors or indeed any sister is not on
Issues of humility and obedience are at the very heart of religious life. From day one to the grave

And you can transfer to another order anyways
 
I’m not scared of Religious Life, I’ve wanted to become a nun since I was sevenish, I’m just not sure how to go about the discerning process.
 
AnnaRose01 said:
I’m not scared of Religious Life, I’ve wanted to become a nun since I was sevenish, I’m just not sure how to go about the discerning process.
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The first step would be to contact the religious community you like, discuss your attraction, and possibly join a discernment weekend. Keeping connected with someone belonging to the community of choice is very helpful in the process.
 
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Thank you.
 
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