I watched a film noir earlier today, the main character was bitter, he was convinced that fate was on his case, that fate’s leg would trip him when there was an opportunity etc. I’ve known since a very young age that I wasn’t like normal people. That a normal, fulfilling life was not possible for me. Living life to the fullest=not for me. I have literally no learning capacity to speak of, so making money, living dreams, enjoying what I do=not happening, ever. What I’ll never understand is why God being omnipotent, creating a huge universe (the sun is 93
millionkm or miles from the Earth, the solar system is part of a galaxy, there are hundreds of
billions galaxies in the universe), he could fix my brain, give me a normal intellect, a good-functioning brain, and I’d witness my anxiety an depression dissolve within days and see my quality of life and happiness skyrocket. I don’t know what God gets from leaving many of us on shelves, wondering when life will begin. i’ve held on for 40 plus years, I’ve hoped where hope was not warranted, I tried to be thankful for what I **do **have, but it’s as if I was playing a game, trying to believe a lie. God has had many opportunities to come through in my life, you’d think a supposedly loving father would rush to help his son who’s not seen the bright side of life even in the womb (my mother wanted to miscarry). Not to be melodramatic, but I was unwanted by my own mother and I feel like God’s bastard child. Do you think it would have been more loving of him to grant my mom her wish lest I be born to a life of torment, depression, loneliness, anxiety, suicide ideation, desire to not be etc.? I certainly think so, but watching as some are blessed with a functioning brain, social skills and a desire to be with others, a good, loving, supportive family, good friends, self-esteem and self-worth, whereas I’m stuck with a crummy life. My life is much more compatible with the idea of karma, there was a constance of adversity, bad luck, a curse from the womb is what I think it is, things have been ordained for my misfortune, there is no denying it. No breaks, no golden opportunities, only minimal wage, menial, boring jobs, no real hope to live my dreams. I’ve not been “carefully and fearfully” made, God forgot to make a functioning brain and to give me a personality. Non-existence would have been infinitely more desirable than this life of torment, of begging God, who gives me crumbs in return, if that, of wondering why a supposedly loving father would let life sink so low, of wondering why a loving God would allow me to be conceived and born
confused
for a life like that, with the very real possibility of eternal hell? I long for the peace and quiet of non-existence, to not know God. He’s been nothing but a huge disappointment to me throughout my life. Creating me (thru my parents) was not loving, probably closer to a cruel joke, really.
Someone mentioned losing his father, as a general rule, if you love your father and he’s a good father, there is a high chance that God will take him away from you, but if you have a messed-up father who has an abyssal record as a father, don’t worry, God will sustain him for a l-o-n-g time, matter of fact he’ll probably outlive you. He sure works in mysterious ways.
I also happen to live in Rockford, IL which is the “unemployment capital” of Illinois!
