Why can't I believe?

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wandering75

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This is my first post, I’m sorry for not posting an introduction first. I also debated between posting in this forum vs. apologetics, but I’m not really sure where it should have been posted.

Long and short of it is that I converted with my husband and kids about 5 years ago. I really enjoyed the conversion process, although I had a lot of doubts along the way. The priest at the parish I joined was really amazing and in all honesty he was part of why I converted. I had bad experiences with church as a kid; I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and saw so many pastors who were completely fake and hypocritical, and the other people at church seemed to be the same.

When I converted I didn’t realize that it was a Catholic “thing” not to keep priests in the same parish and I took it really hard when they moved him. Since the time I joined there have been 4 priests in my parish; they have brought in a new one nearly every year. I understand that as Catholics we’re supposed to view all priests as interchangeable but for me they have not been. Every priest in my parish since that first one has seemed to be going through the motions.

The priest shuffle kind of took off whatever rosy glow I had toward the church and it has only magnified my doubts. For at least the past two years I’ve been at a point where I just don’t believe. I read all the apologetics explaining why the church believes what it does and honestly I find so much of it unconvincing. I have prayed and prayed that God would help me believe and nothing happens. I would say this was just a dark night of the soul but it has been consistent for nearly two years now. It’s not getting better.

I’ve talked to a priest about it; he said to pray more and read biographies of certain saints. But how do I explain that I am not sure I even buy the existence of saints, or that we’re supposed to pray to them? I’ve talked to my husband, who is extremely devout, and he suggested I pray to Mary. How do I explain that I’m not sure we’re supposed to pray to Mary either? I’ve read all the apologetics about why Catholics think we should pray to Mary for intercession and the evidence seems really weak to me. My husband also said that I should go to Mass more, but even though I know the Eucharist is supposed to become the literal body and blood of Christ, I honestly can’t believe it is. It’s like my intellect won’t let me, and that really frustrates me.

I don’t know if anyone can help me here. I have been literally begging God to increase my faith for almost two years and it just keeps getting worse. I really don’t feel like I believe this religion, I feel very well versed in the apologetics and the more I study it, the less I believe. Originally I thought the problem was just that I was broken hearted about them taking away the priest I loved and disgusted with the way it revealed the politics within the structure of the church. And while those are issues, I think it was more likely that once they took away the charismatic priest I loved, it took off the blinders and allowed me to see that this wasn’t really a good religious fit for me. I don’t ever feel anything when I go to Mass; I am literally going through the motions. Every time, for two years. I pray before Mass, during Mass, etc that I will feel anything at all, and nothing ever happens.

At the same time, because my husband is Catholic, I would really like it if we could practice the same faith. Is there any way at all that I can make myself believe? I have been trying and trying and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall here. I want to believe and I just can’t. Why wouldn’t God help me to believe in him if I’m so desperate? well, I should change that: I believe in God. But I am really struggling to believe that the Catholic church is the only way to believe in God. Is there a way to force yourself?
 
Welcome to CAF!

What was it about that priest that made you feel comfortable in the Catholic faith?

It is true, we are not supposed to tie our faith to a certain priest, but to God. But some people really make an impact on us and help us along our spiritual journey. Maybe understanding what it was about him personally could help you understand what you are seeking.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Welcome to CAF!

What was it about that priest that made you feel comfortable in the Catholic faith?

It is true, we are not supposed to tie our faith to a certain priest, but to God. But some people really make an impact on us and help us along our spiritual journey. Maybe understanding what it was about him personally could help you understand what you are seeking.
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Oh, great question!

What I liked about him, and why he made me want to come into the church, was because he wasn’t about dogma, he was first and foremost about trying to live like Jesus. Everything about him shined because of his faith that seemed to glow from within. You couldn’t help but be filled with joy when you were around him, because you could tell that he really believed.

A good example of the kind of priest he was: we met with him about 2 months before we started RCIA, and I asked him if it was okay or a no-no to dip my fingers in the holy water upon entering the sanctuary and make the sign of the cross, even though I wasn’t Catholic yet. He thought about it for a moment and said, “well, some people might tell you it’s not okay, but I figure that the world is pretty free with doling out curses and could use a lot more blessing. So you go ahead and do it and bless your children, too.”

That made me feel so welcome, and it was him in a nutshell. I wanted to learn to be like him. I loved going to reconciliation with him because it always felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Every priest I’ve seen since then has seemed like he’s just doing a job and his heart isn’t in it. If he doesn’t even believe that he’s acting in persona Christi, why should I?

Also I had a lot of very bad experiences with pastors in my childhood and it felt like this priest was really healing that. After they took him away I started to look at the church like it’s any other business or institution, very cold and impersonal. I even wrote a letter to my bishop about the effect it had on me that he moved that priest and the response I got was pretty cold and impersonal. I think that original priest was someone really rare and I frankly feel rather foolish for thinking that all of the Catholic Church was like him.
 
You´re not alone. I am assured that even some Pope´s have felt like you. Why does this happen? I don´t know. It sounds to me that you entered the faith, because you saw Christ in that special Priest. When he left, then. you somehow reasoned, that Christ left also. This was a chain reaction, to all the other beliefs, that at one time, you embraced. Fervently. When you entered the faith, you probably was on fire for the Lord. That fire got partially extinguished. Then you now ask, how do I get it back? Jesus, must have known that this would happen, when He talked with His Apostles. He was always telling them to remember. He even connected remembering with The Holy Spirit coming on Pentacost. He connected it, when He established the Holy Eucarist. I was having problems loving my wife back in the eighties. She was too. We went to a Catholic Marriage Encounter. Boy did it work. What was the secret? We remembered, and we wrote about it. I was even more on fire for my wife, and she with me, than I was before I married her. I guess it was because we had established more good memories, in the ten years of marriage. Rememberance is sorta like a time machine. We take the past and place it in the present. Our Lord and Savior did one better. He took the future and put it in the present, when He established the Holy Eucarist. Then He showed His Apostles, how to do it. My only advice to you is try hard to remember, how much you loved Christ, at one time. Better yet, try to remember, how He loved you on the cross, a long time ago. He still does. God bless:thumbsup:👍👍
 
Dear one,
We all struggle with these kinds of things from time to time…So don’t worry too much…
My first and core advice is to keep you faith simple and work from the fundamentals…If praying to saints is not your bag…then don’t do it…It’s not required.

I only have a moment right now - but will return later when I can read your posts more carefully and give a fuller answer…

Peace
James
 
The association of “the Priest” with the faith is integral for Catholic’s as the Priest is the conduit through which Christ provides HIS Church with the Sacraments. But associating “the Priest” AS the faith is an error. And while many of us form close bonds with certain Priest through our lives, the intentional relocation of Priests is in part an important process through which Catholics can focus on JESUS and not the Priest.

The answers about reading more on the faith is important and I would suggest THE CATECHISM EXPLAINED - An Exhaustive Explanation of the Catholic Religion by Spirago-Clarke as found at TAN Publishers. This book is perhaps the most frequently read book on the faith that I go to time and time again. It is easy to read, interesting with lots of awakening moments of realization.

And secondly, I would suggest you adopt The Rosary as a daily prayer in which you request the Holy Mother’s assistance in loving and knowing Her SON a little more each day.
 
The Church is the same, so is your faith, the teaching will not change because you get a new priest.
 
Hi - I’m back…😃
After reading through your posts again…I’m not exactly sure how to help.
One thing that occurred to me was to ask…Is the priest you really liked, still in the area?
If so, why not give him a call and see if you can meet?
It seems that you value his outlook and his insights and there is really nothing to prevent you from contacting him if you are able to. I can tell you that my mother has kept contact with several priests, and nun, over the years.
Doing this would not be a rejection of your current pastor. Rather it would simply be a matter of going to someone you admire and respect for spiritual direction.

Now in a broader sense, it seems that maybe you fell victim to something like a “cult of personality”. The focus was a bit too much on this priest and not so much on the teachings of the Church. Or perhaps it was just that he had a way of explaining things to you that made more sense. In truth, this is not all that uncommon, I think this happens to nearly everyone at one point or another.
When this resource is taken away from us - we can feel quite lost and confused.

You ask if there is a way to “make yourself believe”. I will say the answer to this is “yes and no”…I know…I’m a smart-elec…I admit it…
First we have to define what we mean by “believe”. May people seem to work in a binary form…belief / unbelief…and further they seem to work from the default position of “unbelief”. I don’t know if this is true in your case, but this is the premise I will work from for the moment.

First of all…try not working from the binary position. Recognize that there is a third position - acceptance on the Christ given authority of the Church to teach (bind and loose whatever) and our duty to “listen to the Church” (See Mt 18:15-18).
I have a number of things where I do this. I don’t understand, I am not entirely convinced…but I DO believe in and accept the authority of the Church as given in the bible.

Second - the premise of working from a default position of “unbelief”. Such a position requires that the Church justify her teachings to your satisfaction…and stems from a single issue…Does one accept the Church as being authoritative?
Forget the various teachings that you struggle with…and concentrate on this one. If you can accept that the Church is authoritative, then all else will cease to be an issue…If not…well then you will struggle constantly.

We can go into this a bit more if you like.

Lastly…I want to speak a bit on my original and core advice to keep your faith simple.
This is what I do. I do not trouble myself with trying to understand a lot of specific doctrines and dogmas etc. I keep it simple. Jesus tells us that Agape Love is the root of all the law and prophets. (Mt 22:36-40) Further, He tells us it is by our Agape Love that the world will know we are His disciples. (John 13:34-35)…Paul tells us that we have nothing if we do not have Agape Love. (1 Cor 13:1-13) John even tells us that God IS Love (1 John 4:7-8)
Because of these…this is the position that I start from. It is out of Love that we have the Eucharist. It is out of Love that we have the authoritative Church. It is out of Love that we have the communion of Saints. All springs from and leads back to God who Is Love.

We are taught that the mass and the Eucharist are “the source and summit” of our worship. Seeing this great gift in the context of God’s great Love may help you grow in your ability to truly feel and benefit from the mass.
Maybe you prefer to pray only to the Father…That’s fine, you will not violate any Church requirement - no will you insult Mary or any of the Saints by doing so.

Keep your faith simple…Love God and Love your neighbor - and you know what? You will begin to emulate the priest you admire so much. You will become a positive light in your parish, to you family and to everyone who has the good fortune of encountering you.
Think about the comment you related above about the holy water. His reply did not come from a text book or a deep understanding of the proper canonical use of holy water …it came from simple, Christian, Agape Love.

Well I’ve probably prattled on enough for now…I hope something that I have said will be of help

Peace
James
 
You ask ‘Is there a way to force yourself’ to believe the Church’s teaching and the answer is, of course, no. Unlike you, i am a cradle Catholic but,like you, I’ve experienced doubt and displeasure over the Church’s teachings and rituals. I have even been atheist. The path back to belief in God was a long one and the way back to the Church was difficult.

I understand you do believe in God, but I need to illustrate my way back to Him before I can explain my route back to the Church.Having argued my way out of belief in God, I then didn’t force myself back to God. Why would I do that when I had all the arguments against His existence (or so I thought)? The way back was like a gradual seeping in of spiritual light - I really don’t think I wanted it but it occurred to me that I’d stopped fighting it. That was what my atheism boiled down to - fighting against God’s existence with reductionist arguments. At my atheistic peak I was intellectually arrogant and anti- all religions. As I saw it, their followers were sheep, they were brainwashed and weak. Once I had let go of this deceit I gave up the intellectual posturing and my mind opened to God. I felt humbled and better for it.

I could have wandered through life finding my own way to be nearer to God. But that is all it was - wandering. I could have sought guidance and inspiration from various different sources, which I did. Many excellent and wise quotes later, It soon felt unfocused.
Although I had been brought up Catholic I still resisted going back. Until, like you, I met someone who lived their belief with honesty and modesty. I didn’t go straight to the saints or to Mary (some resldue of atheistic antagonism towards religion, maybe). Trying to intellectualise this search, I started reading quotes and extracts from G.K Chesterton, Aquinas and other Catholic writers and intellectuals. Gradually it became clear that there are absolute truths, even if some may sit uncomfortably with one’s own thought processes. If everything is relative, you could even excuse murder in some cases. No, there are absolute truths, I could see that. I could argue that.
As for the hierarchy and the rituals, that was difficult to accept because I’d been away from the Church for so long I felt like an outsider. These make sense (Catholicism is very logical) only when acceptance of the Church’s teachings as absolute truths comes to you. It begins to fall into place.
You are still feeling alienated, which is unfortunate but the priest who exemplified Christian living to you was also Catholic. Not all Catholics live as Catholics should but it is part of our growing closer to God to work at that. Not all priests will impress you (like schoolteachers, some are better at their calling than others). The Church may feel cold and empty now but that is likely a reflection of your feelings. As I said, you can’t make yourself believe but you can leave yourself open to it. Don’t force it or you’ll feel more like running away. Prayer should be heartfelt and not an endless repetition of empty words. If that’s how praying feels to you right now, perhaps just talking to God might serve you better until the meaning and power of prayer is revealed to you.
Never stop seeking the truth.
I truly hope you will allow yourself to find a way back to it as I did. It will serve you well. God bless.
 
If you want some spiritual enrichment, I would suggest watching some Mother Angelica Live Classics videos on Youtube. In case you don’t know, she is the founder of the EWTN global Catholic network and she is very inspirational! May God bless you!
 
wandering75 said:
Oh, great question!

What I liked about him, and why he made me want to come into the church, was because he wasn’t about dogma,** he was first and foremost about trying to live like Jesus. Everything about him shined because of his faith that seemed to glow from within.** You couldn’t help but be filled with joy when you were around him, because you could tell that he really believed.
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wandering75, in your reassessment of your Catholic faith, keep it simple (as mentioned above). It is about Jesus! It is the love of Jesus that you saw shinning in your former pastor and you need to feel that love yourself.

At Mass, look at the crucifix and see the how much Jesus loves us (and you), that he would suffer like that for us, to give us life. In the Eucharist, think of Jesus at the Last Supper, how he gave his disciples his Body and Blood establishing a New Covenant with them (and us). And when you make the Sign of the Cross, think of the Blessed Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. How God the Father created the universe and everything that is and will ever be. And the Holy Spirit, who the Father (through the Son) sent to his disciples (his Church). Focus on this, for this is what the Mass truly is!

Pray to Jesus every morning and evening, to open your eyes (and your heart) to the love that he pours out on us through the Spirit!
 
There’s never an easy answer for that question. But - just because you’re having serious questions about your faith does not mean that you’ve lost your faith. Questioning your faith is actually the only way to grow your faith. It sounds strange, but it’s true. You have been baptized in Christ and confirmed in His faith. As such, let the Holy Spirit guide you - and keep praying. The reason why it seems to you that you believe less and less when you pray is because you are being shown that there has been much that you haven’t really understood. And also, faith is our response to God’s grace - and is demonstrated through our works of love. Works done through love then increase our faith. Also, go to confession and confide in your priest that you have been having doubts, as well.
 
wandering75 said:
Oh, great question!

What I liked about him, and why he made me want to come into the church, was because he wasn’t about dogma, he was first and foremost about trying to live like Jesus. Everything about him shined because of his faith that seemed to glow from within. You couldn’t help but be filled with joy when you were around him, because you could tell that he really believed.

A good example of the kind of priest he was: we met with him about 2 months before we started RCIA, and I asked him if it was okay or a no-no to dip my fingers in the holy water upon entering the sanctuary and make the sign of the cross, even though I wasn’t Catholic yet. He thought about it for a moment and said, “well, some people might tell you it’s not okay, but I figure that the world is pretty free with doling out curses and could use a lot more blessing. So you go ahead and do it and bless your children, too.”

That made me feel so welcome, and it was him in a nutshell. I wanted to learn to be like him. I loved going to reconciliation with him because it always felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Every priest I’ve seen since then has seemed like he’s just doing a job and his heart isn’t in it. If he doesn’t even believe that he’s acting in persona Christi, why should I?

Also I had a lot of very bad experiences with pastors in my childhood and it felt like this priest was really healing that. After they took him away I started to look at the church like it’s any other business or institution, very cold and impersonal. I even wrote a letter to my bishop about the effect it had on me that he moved that priest and the response I got was pretty cold and impersonal. I think that original priest was someone really rare and I frankly feel rather foolish for thinking that all of the Catholic Church was like him.
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I think I would actually encourage non-Catholic Christians coming into the Church to be as active as they can be, including dipping their finger in the holy water and making the sign of the cross. More than a blessing, it is also a reminder of our baptism, the seal that makes us Christians. It is a good thing to remember this.

And for your doubts in general, I think you’ll find similar people to the priests here (thought most are not priests), with some that are really good at allegory to help people understand, others who are very welcoming and eager to help in any way they can, and others who really focus on doctrine and the teachings of the Church.

In answer to your “can I force this?” question. No, you can’t force belief, because you can’t make yourself believe something. Faith is a gift, and if your having doubts about prayer to the Saints, then for now just pray to the Father, Christ, and the Holy Spirit, and ask them for the grace to receive faith. And after a while, you may start to change your mind about it.

My short answer about prayer to the Saints (including Mary) is that we are told to intercede for others, to pray for others. I don’t see why this would change when one gets to heaven, especially if we are to want what God wants, which would include the want for all to be saved, I feel like in heaven we would want to pray for others to help them in their trials. And if they can pray for us, then why shouldn’t we ask them to?

Anyways, I’m sure there are a lot more doubts that you have, like you mentioned about the Eucharist (which if you are having doubts about what the Eucharist is, it might be best if you didn’t receive the Eucharist until you have faith in it), and we will do our best to help you with your doubts. Many doubts, I feel, are caused by spiritual attacks from the devil and his demons. Doubts can cause us to question, and even not understand, and to throw out evidence. Like a parent who hears and is presented with evidence showing their child had committed murder. A parent may be in shock, and knowing a different side of their child, and have doubts as to the accusations. They may even completely dismiss all the evidence, tell the police that they are wrong and that their child is innocent, despite it being truth.

Welcome to the forums. We will do our best to help with any questions you have. And may God bless you on your journey. Keep searching for truth, because if Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then by searching for truth, we further seek Christ.
 
If I may give you a humble opinion. If your parish or parish in your town has an Eucharist adoration chapel or mass go to it. Let it out with The Lord. Tell him, Father, I love the Church, but I have issues with x,y, and z.

Remember god is not only our father, but he is also our friend. Tell him, God I come with humility and I want you to bring peace regarding my concerns. I will carry my cross and I will let you guide me.

Trust me, he will you your sincerity and humility. Before you know it, you will be at peace.
 
wandering75 said:
This is my first post, I’m sorry for not posting an introduction first. I also debated between posting in this forum vs. apologetics, but I’m not really sure where it should have been posted.

Long and short of it is that I converted with my husband and kids about 5 years ago. I really enjoyed the conversion process, although I had a lot of doubts along the way. The priest at the parish I joined was really amazing and in all honesty he was part of why I converted. I had bad experiences with church as a kid; I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and saw so many pastors who were completely fake and hypocritical, and the other people at church seemed to be the same.

When I converted I didn’t realize that it was a Catholic “thing” not to keep priests in the same parish and I took it really hard when they moved him. Since the time I joined there have been 4 priests in my parish; they have brought in a new one nearly every year. I understand that as Catholics we’re supposed to view all priests as interchangeable but for me they have not been. Every priest in my parish since that first one has seemed to be going through the motions.

The priest shuffle kind of took off whatever rosy glow I had toward the church and it has only magnified my doubts. For at least the past two years I’ve been at a point where I just don’t believe. I read all the apologetics explaining why the church believes what it does and honestly I find so much of it unconvincing. I have prayed and prayed that God would help me believe and nothing happens. I would say this was just a dark night of the soul but it has been consistent for nearly two years now. It’s not getting better.

I’ve talked to a priest about it; he said to pray more and read biographies of certain saints. But how do I explain that I am not sure I even buy the existence of saints, or that we’re supposed to pray to them? I’ve talked to my husband, who is extremely devout, and he suggested I pray to Mary. How do I explain that I’m not sure we’re supposed to pray to Mary either? I’ve read all the apologetics about why Catholics think we should pray to Mary for intercession and the evidence seems really weak to me. My husband also said that I should go to Mass more, but even though I know the Eucharist is supposed to become the literal body and blood of Christ, I honestly can’t believe it is. It’s like my intellect won’t let me, and that really frustrates me.

I don’t know if anyone can help me here. I have been literally begging God to increase my faith for almost two years and it just keeps getting worse. I really don’t feel like I believe this religion, I feel very well versed in the apologetics and the more I study it, the less I believe. Originally I thought the problem was just that I was broken hearted about them taking away the priest I loved and disgusted with the way it revealed the politics within the structure of the church. And while those are issues, I think it was more likely that once they took away the charismatic priest I loved, it took off the blinders and allowed me to see that this wasn’t really a good religious fit for me. I don’t ever feel anything when I go to Mass; I am literally going through the motions. Every time, for two years. I pray before Mass, during Mass, etc that I will feel anything at all, and nothing ever happens.

At the same time, because my husband is Catholic, I would really like it if we could practice the same faith. Is there any way at all that I can make myself believe? I have been trying and trying and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall here. I want to believe and I just can’t. Why wouldn’t God help me to believe in him if I’m so desperate? well, I should change that: I believe in God. But I am really struggling to believe that the Catholic church is the only way to believe in God. Is there a way to force yourself?
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You said, “I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and saw so many pastors who were completely fake and hypocritical,…”

Later you said, “Every priest in my parish since that first one has seemed to be going through the motions.”

Don’t the two statements sound alike?

You didn’t like it before and you don’t like it now…what you think is hypocracy. Neither of these faith beliefs measured up, but only that one priest. It could be that you are judging youself right out of church. If you are looking for some perfect institution on earth with perfect people then you will always be dissapointed. All are sinners and have imperfections.

That one priest fit you criteria, but if he had stayed, eventually he might well have said something to dissappoint you. Then what? Your dissappointed feelings would have kicked in again with terrible results.

The only reason we follow priests, whether we like them or not, is because Christ said, “he who hears you hears me.” Some don’t quite make it as speakers, and some are rough, some too timid, some too this and others too that. That is part of our own developement in humility, to take directions when we don’t want to and then thanking Jesus for taking directions from someone we don’t want to.

(continued)
 
I suspect that this problem of not accepting clergy may be what is at the bottom of not accepting the Eucharist as the real body and blood of Jesus. For if the clergy are unfit, then the question arises, then how can I believe they are representatives of Jesus who is perfect?
So the weak idea of the clergy weakens and destroys the faith in their ability to perform the change of bread into the body.

Priests are human beings and Jesus knew when he set all of this up how weak and faulty they really were. When Jesus chose the first 12, this should give us a big clue to this and how really down on earth these 12 were. They even argued about the right to be the greatest.
So it shouldn’t be any surprise that this is the way it is today since they are still human.
But that isn’t what matters. What matters is, that knowing all of this Jesus still says, “he who hears you hears me.” They have Jesus’ authority behind them regardless of how human they are.

I believe you are into this in a innocent way, not knowing what is actually taking place and how this is affecting your faith. But if you want to turn this around, then suspend judgment, take what is offered from whom Jesus sends you. Pray more for others with an understanding heart for their difficulties and their failing features.

“Is there a way to force yourself?” you ask. There is a way to lead yourself back. Quit doubting so much and believe what Jesus has said. If he says it is his flesh and blood, then it is his flesh and blood just because he says so, as son of God. What more do we need except to trust him. Without trust, our faith is without value. But remember who is saying it and who we are trusting. There is no reason to doubt even if the representitive of Jesus may be faulty.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
Hi, Assuming that priest you loved so much said something that hurt your feelings, (God forbid), would you turn your back on Jesus?
Christ made/chose that man to be his priest just as He chose million others all over the world to be His priests. What I am saying is your main focus should be on the MAN CALLED JESUS who made the priest you love to be the good priest he is.
Pray the Divine Mercy chaplet and Jesus Himself will enlighten you.
Regarding your doubts, talk to and pray St. Joseph, Spouse of the Virgin Mary, he is the patron Saint of people in doubt and hesitation. St. Dymphna will take care of your emotional and mental disturbances while St. Ubald will sort out your OCD issue. St. Jude Thaddeus is also patron St. that takes care of impossible cases. Pray dear because the Saints are your best friends and don’t forget to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.
Stay blessed and believe in Jesus and Mary 🙂
 
" I don’t ever feel anything when I go to Mass; I am literally going through the motions. Every time, for two years. I pray before Mass, during Mass, etc that I will feel anything at all, and nothing ever happens."

Check out what Mother Teresa had to go through–
Then in 1956: “Such deep longing for God – and … repulsed – empty – no faith – no love – no zeal. (Saving) souls holds no attraction – Heaven means nothing – pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”

“Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear,” she wrote to the Rev. Michael van der Peet in September 1979.

see article in in.reuters.com/article/2007/08/24/idINIndia-29140020070824.

So, feelings should not dictate how you are going to act or what you are going to believe… they can be very overpoweimg but I think in the end it is a choice to believe, a choice to go on, not a feeling–a feeling can reassure you that you believe something or are doing everything right; they can motivate you to carry on or give up, but in the end feelings will be stripped away and choice will be the only thing that mattered, even in violation of how you felt at the time–thinking of Mother Teresa.
 
Omigosh, you need to buy St. Faustina’s diary. I know you’re skeptical of reading the biography of Saints, but who wouldn’t be… But this book turned me into a believer. It’s the entire life of a polish nun as she has constant interaction with Jesus. And despite any skepticism you have, you only have to listen to what Jesus says and what he knows to feel in your gut its real. He reveals so many secrets, so many things I wish I could have know from the beginning. And I understand some of your disbelief as well. Back before I really believed, all these answers from people on this site didn’t really seem to get rid of my doubt. Having a fuller understanding of what a closer relationship with the Lord looks like is really important. It inspires you to see the truth behind the veil. There is a whole nother world behind everything in the church, with truths going deeper than you could imagine. “What you see in reality, these souls see through faith. Oh, how pleasing to Me is their great faith! You see, although there appears to be no trace of life in Me, in reality, it is present in its fullness in each and every Host. But for Me to be able to act upon a soul, the soul must have faith. O how pleasing to Me is living faith!” -Jesus. FYI I sent one of these to your private inbox, but seeing as you are new to this site, I thought I should probably stick one here too.
 
wandering75 said:
This is my first post, I’m sorry for not posting an introduction first. I also debated between posting in this forum vs. apologetics, but I’m not really sure where it should have been posted.

Long and short of it is that I converted with my husband and kids about 5 years ago. I really enjoyed the conversion process, although I had a lot of doubts along the way. The priest at the parish I joined was really amazing and in all honesty he was part of why I converted. I had bad experiences with church as a kid; I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and saw so many pastors who were completely fake and hypocritical, and the other people at church seemed to be the same.

When I converted I didn’t realize that it was a Catholic “thing” not to keep priests in the same parish and I took it really hard when they moved him. Since the time I joined there have been 4 priests in my parish; they have brought in a new one nearly every year. I understand that as Catholics we’re supposed to view all priests as interchangeable but for me they have not been. Every priest in my parish since that first one has seemed to be going through the motions.

The priest shuffle kind of took off whatever rosy glow I had toward the church and it has only magnified my doubts. For at least the past two years I’ve been at a point where I just don’t believe. I read all the apologetics explaining why the church believes what it does and honestly I find so much of it unconvincing. I have prayed and prayed that God would help me believe and nothing happens. I would say this was just a dark night of the soul but it has been consistent for nearly two years now. It’s not getting better.

I’ve talked to a priest about it; he said to pray more and read biographies of certain saints. But how do I explain that I am not sure I even buy the existence of saints, or that we’re supposed to pray to them? I’ve talked to my husband, who is extremely devout, and he suggested I pray to Mary. How do I explain that I’m not sure we’re supposed to pray to Mary either? I’ve read all the apologetics about why Catholics think we should pray to Mary for intercession and the evidence seems really weak to me. My husband also said that I should go to Mass more, but even though I know the Eucharist is supposed to become the literal body and blood of Christ, I honestly can’t believe it is. It’s like my intellect won’t let me, and that really frustrates me.

I don’t know if anyone can help me here. I have been literally begging God to increase my faith for almost two years and it just keeps getting worse. I really don’t feel like I believe this religion, I feel very well versed in the apologetics and the more I study it, the less I believe. Originally I thought the problem was just that I was broken hearted about them taking away the priest I loved and disgusted with the way it revealed the politics within the structure of the church. And while those are issues, I think it was more likely that once they took away the charismatic priest I loved, it took off the blinders and allowed me to see that this wasn’t really a good religious fit for me. I don’t ever feel anything when I go to Mass; I am literally going through the motions. Every time, for two years. I pray before Mass, during Mass, etc that I will feel anything at all, and nothing ever happens.

At the same time, because my husband is Catholic, I would really like it if we could practice the same faith. Is there any way at all that I can make myself believe? I have been trying and trying and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall here. I want to believe and I just can’t. Why wouldn’t God help me to believe in him if I’m so desperate? well, I should change that: I believe in God. But I am really struggling to believe that the Catholic church is the only way to believe in God. Is there a way to force yourself?
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divinemercy.com/faustina/
 
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