Why can't the church see my marriage

[AnnDove]

I’m a catholic who 11 yrs ago married a Baptist man (catholic baptized). We were married outside the church. Like all interfaith marriages religion was a huge fight there for we avoided it all together to keep the peace. Now things have changed and my husband in looking to receive conformation this spring. I have always known that we would have to validate our marriage in the church. However we are being told that we were never married according to church. I don’t understand this and we don’t have a priest to ask in our church right now. We are also being told that he cant receive conformation until we have our marriage validated in the church.

 

[Deacon_Ed]

The problem here is that the Church has the authority to regulate how a Catholic marries. One of the requirements is that the marriage take place before a bishop, priest or deacon with the appropriate delegation to witness the marriage *or *there must be a dispensation from the bishop to not follow this “canonical form.” You did not state that you had received a dispensation. Therefore, your marriage is invalid due to “lack of form.” What this means is that the Church does not recognize your marriage. It will have to be regularized. This can be done through a simple “convalidation” assuming that you and your husband would otherwise have been free to enter into a marriage (for example, this is the first marriage for each of you).

Once that has been accomplished the rest can follow, but you need to be in a “regular union” before you can proceed with anything else.

Deacon Ed

 

[AnnDove]

okay what is convalidation and does this have to be done at conformation mass as we are told? Also if we are not married are we consider living in sin?

 

[Filius99993]

okay what is convalidation and does this have to be done at conformation mass as we are told? Also if we are not married are we consider living in sin?

newadvent.org/cathen/15256c.htm

Your husband is not living in sin because you ARE married, but not in the Catholic Church. But, you yourself are, because you were supposed to marry inside the Church in the first place. (Or, at least, that’s how I understand it) But, then again, you obviously hadn’t been informed, so technically, you weren’t sinning because you didn’t know.

 

[Phemie]

okay what is convalidation and does this have to be done at conformation mass as we are told? Also if we are not married are we consider living in sin?

Essentially you will be getting married - for the first time as far as the Church is concerned. It’s called convalidation because it is making a “legal” marriage a “valid” religious marriage and, since you’re both baptized, a sacramental marriage. You will need witnesses and you will be repeating your vows.

Yes, because you are in an invalid marriage you are living in sin. That why I don’t understand why the priest would make you wait for a convalidation. I would think that you would both want to do this convalidation as soon as possible so that you could receive Communion. Have you asked the priest if you could do it earlier?

 

[AnnDove]

I never asked for a dispensation from the bishop because no one told me I needed to, even the priest at my old church who would not marry us did not say anything about it. Unfortunately our priest at our current church is unavailable. But I will try to talk to someone about that here. Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut it helped me understand

 

[jabelltulsa]

I just wanted to add a thought I just had. Wouldn’t it be great if you could do the covalidation (essentially the Sacrament of Matrimony), Confirmation, Confession, and Communion in the same day?

What a great day it would be to receive all Sacraments on the same day!!

This could truly be a great thing!

 

[Phemie]

I just wanted to add a thought I just had. Wouldn’t it be great if you could do the covalidation (essentially the Sacrament of Matrimony), Confirmation, Confession, and Communion in the same day?

What a great day it would be to receive all Sacraments on the same day!!

This could truly be a great thing!

Remember that Confession would have to come before all the other sacraments since you would want to be in a state of grace to receive all the others. Then the convalidation, then Confirmation and Communion.

 

[Like]

I never asked for a dispensation from the bishop because no one told me I needed to, even the priest at my old church who would not marry us did not say anything about it. Unfortunately our priest at our current church is unavailable. But I will try to talk to someone about that here. Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut it helped me understand

Hi Ann, Did the first priest say why he would not marry you?
Usually the Church requires the couple to attend classes before the marriage of mixed religions.

 

[jabelltulsa]

Remember that Confession would have to come before all the other sacraments since you would want to be in a state of grace to receive all the others. Then the convalidation, then Confirmation and Communion.

True True … I am getting married on April 5th, and I intend to have a good Confession prior to entering the state of Holy Matrimony.

I didn’t intend to get the order wrong, but rather i just wanted to point out how great it would be to have all of those Sacraments in one day.

Thanks for correcting the order.

 

[AnnDove]

Hi Ann, Did the first priest say why he would not marry you?
Usually the Church requires the couple to attend classes before the marriage of mixed religions.

Your right we were required to go to a class that we could not wait for (my husband is military). And my half of my family was totally against us and the other half for us. It is every complicated. We don’t live anywhere near our families now and if I am going get married in the church I want my family here with me. That is why when my husband RCIA teacher told him all this after the start of lent (not a lot of time left) that we had to do this on conformation day I was and still am upset.

 

[jrabs]

Your right we were required to go to a class that we could not wait for (my husband is military). And my half of my family was totally against us and the other half for us. It is every complicated. We don’t live anywhere near our families now and if I am going get married in the church I want my family here with me. That is why when my husband RCIA teacher told him all this after the start of lent (not a lot of time left) that we had to do this on conformation day I was and still am upset.

I am sorry that you feel upset. I can understand your frustration.
Please do not be angry with the church. There are sound spiritual reasons why things need be be done in the proper order and time.

Unfortunately you decided 11 years ago that you had no time to wait - that is in the past. Time to accept responsibility for actions. Time to play by the rules now and not be upset about what those rules are.

The rules are to ensure you have a sacramental marriage according to the Catholic church.
For your husband, the rules are such that he may enter into the Catholic faith properly and receive the graces Jesus offers through the sacraments.

All that seems too good to be upset about, right?
Move forward in peace that you are doing what Jesus wants and with a JOYFUL spirit - not one of bitterness because you ( or your husband) need to do XYZ first.

God will bless you.

 

[Phemie]

All that said, is there a reason why the confirmation cannot be postponed and the convalidation planned so that the family is there? It’s not as though he was a catechumen who has to be baptized at the Vigil. He’s a Catholic who hasn’t been confirmed and that can be done by the priest at any time with the bishop’s permission.

 

[AnnDove]

I am not upset at the Church. I am upset/frustrated at the way it was presented to us and explained (or lack there of). I did what needed to be done and have done my best to insure my family (husband and kids) were taken care of in a loving marriage. Then told “no you are not married.’ It just knocked me. I don’t want my husband to turn away from the Church it as taken along time to get to this point, but i do want to understand the why.

 

[AnnDove]

All that said, is there a reason why the confirmation cannot be postponed and the convalidation planned so that the family is there? It’s not as though he was a catechumen who has to be baptized at the Vigil. He’s a Catholic who hasn’t been confirmed and that can be done by the priest at any time with the bishop’s permission.

Well I have thought about that. I’m talking to my husband about it. I want him to be comfortable with waiting and not going through conformation with this RCIA class. My other stumbling block is: How do you explain all this to the kids? At least the one that understands what is going on.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Hi Ann, Did the first priest say why he would not marry you?
Usually the Church requires the couple to attend classes before the marriage of mixed religions.

Like, you are totally right, but I wanted to mention that all couples preparing for marriage are required to go through marriage preparation, not just those preparing for a mixed marriage.

Also, the OP’s husband was baptized Catholic, so unless he formally left the Church (which we don’t know), he actually is still considered Catholic by the Church, and this would not have been considered a mixed marriage.

Well I have thought about that. I’m talking to my husband about it. I want him to be comfortable with waiting and not going through conformation with this RCIA class. My other stumbling block is: How do you explain all this to the kids? At least the one that understands what is going on.

AnnDove, I am sure that all of this is very difficult for you, understandably so. It seems that you did not realize that by marrying outside the regulations of the Catholic Church, that your marriage would not be recognized by the Church. I am very sorry that was not communicated to you much sooner.

Depending on your children’s ages, your explaination can be as simple as “Mommy and daddy made a mistake, and we are fixing the mistake so that all of us can participate at church together.”

 

[Seatuck]

Ann, I find it troubling that you are not taking any personal responsibility for this. As a Catholic you were responsible for following church teaching and you were not willing to wait. You wanted to get married when you wanted (I understand the military thing but you still could have waited) and so got married outside the church. Earlier you said the priest wouldn’t marry us. Then we see you wouldn’t take the time to prepare for marriage properly by taking the classes. You could have fixed this problem any time during your marriage but you did not seek to do that. Now here is the same situation again. You want to do something now - your husbands confirmation and again you seem unwilling to wait. Please take some personal responsibility and do what is asked of you . As a Catholic you should have know some of this. It’s pretty basic Catholic teaching that Catholics need to be married in the church . I myself was astounded at all the things I didn’t know that I should have when I started practicing seriously after getting married. But it was my fault I didn’t make more effort to study the faith and the church teaching.

You and your husband should try to have a one on one with the priest to see if you promise to live as brother and sister so he can be confirmed. Then you will need to go to confession for living in an invalid marriage all these years and have the marriage convalidated.

You can do this. You can step up and live the way you are called to live as a Catholic. You might consider that the state of your soul is more important than certain type of wedding. Think about how happy you will be to be able to recieve communion again.

What to say to the kids? Well you can own up to having made some mistakes and model for them your intentions to make things right. That would be a wonderful lesson for them.Unless they are young enough that it would be more confusing for them then you may not need to say anything.

Praying for you .

 

[jrabs]

I am not upset at the Church. I am upset/frustrated at the way it was presented to us and explained (or lack there of). I did what needed to be done and have done my best to insure my family (husband and kids) were taken care of in a loving marriage. Then told “no you are not married.’ It just knocked me. I don’t want my husband to turn away from the Church it as taken along time to get to this point, but i do want to understand the why.

I agree with Seatuck’s post in that you really need to accept responsibility. This is hard stuff! I know - and I can tell from your posts that it is hard.

But at some point the first priest said he could not marry you. Logic dictates that he probably gave a reason - perhaps you did not understand the reason at the time. But, went ahead with what you wanted any way. In a way that was not acceptable to the church - your decision.

Look - you are upset because of the way it was explained. You are responsible to seek further explanation. You are responsible to dig deeper. You would do this in any other aspect of your life - why would you not in this case?

For example: let’s say you are seeking a job promotion. You ask and the boss says “No - you have not fulfilled the requirements”. Do you let it drop or do you dig and ask why…what can I do…what steps do I need to take so that next year at this time, I am eligible?

This is/was no different. Perhaps the priest thought he had made it clear to you - though you failed to understand. Is the fault with him or with you in not prodding him more for a fuller understanding? Did you ask another priest to help explain?

I understand you felt you had no time to wait - the church differed in opinion and teaching. But that is the ramification of hasty actions and not the fault of the church.

If your husband wants this with his soul and being, then why would he turn away in frustration? This is not a brand new car that he cannot have tomorrow…this is his soul, his faith, his beliefs.

I really am so sorry this is upsetting you and frustrating. I pray for understanding, wisdom and patience.
Please give the church’s system a chance.

 

[AnnDove]

I do take responsibility for not going back to the Church earlier. And for that I am sorry. I just wanted to understand the why. All of explanations given to me in the past week did not add up. If you truly understand military life then you know sometimes you must act quickly. That dose not removes the blame from me in anyway. In order to give a good confession you must understand the sin and feel sorry for it, which brings me back to the why. I am not trying to fight the rules or have exceptions made for us. Again thank you all for your answers it has helped me understand.

 

[jrabs]

I do take responsibility for not going back to the Church earlier. And for that I am sorry. I just wanted to understand the why. All of explanations given to me in the past week did not add up.** If you truly understand military life then you know sometimes you must act quickly.** That dose not removes the blame from me in anyway. In order to give a good confession you must understand the sin and feel sorry for it, which brings me back to the why. I am not trying to fight the rules or have exceptions made for us. Again thank you all for your answers it has helped me understand.

Unfortunately in your case, the church does not need to understand the military. It has to understand salvation and guard the sacraments.

I am glad you are getting a better handle on this.

God bless and grant the graces you seek.