Why can't women simply say "I'm not interested." to men?

[Xantippe]

But how can they mean “exactly what they are saying” when what they are saying is equivocal and not exact?

**They’re saying, “No, I don’t want to spend time alone with you.”
**

When my dad asked out my mom, she didn’t say “no” she said “I have a boy friend”. She didn’t give “hints” to him either that could have told him to keep pursuing. My dad didn’t interrupt that as her not want anything to do with him, because obviously their married and my parents now.

Mom was taking a big risk.

I’ve had what Estevao has experience, a girl seemingly reject all my advances but then go ask all my friends why I wouldn’t ask her out anymore. She eventually grew-up and told me straight out that she liked me, but at that point I couldn’t take her seriously anymore.

Of course not. That’s why it’s a terrible strategy.

I don’t think it would be wise to imply that all girls think a certain way and that someone should interpret some “signal” as meaning the same thing for every girl. It’s not like you can think if she says X she mean Y and does V wants W.

Ignoring three flat nos in a row would be a bad idea, though. It could eventually get a restraining order slapped on you.

 

[DrDerrick62]

Well mam us men are much more driven by what we see than our mentalities . If you a beautiful or generous or outgoing individual then you may expect many advances from men. Will she be loyal to me and only me?!
Now woman are driven by their feelings in a different way. "Will he be honest and loyal, does he put me on a pedestal that I expect him to put me on? Is he rich or at least settled down enough to keep a good job? Will he be good to children that we may have together.
Will he be a good provider. I suggest that you make a list of pro’s and con’s about what you are looking for in a man and not looking for in a man. If he meets any of the criteria how much of those that he meets then I suggest getting to know if better. Better to be safe than sorry. I ask God’s blessings for your endeavor.
Just remember what he sights and likes he may be spending a good time in getting to know you. During idle chit chat at the water cooler or out to a drink and a nice bar. I have been single for more than 20 years not and have not found a woman that could be loyal to me. That is all I ask in love, nothing else. Just me and her family to be loyal too.
I could tell you some horror stories, at least to me, about women that play games to get money. That seems to be the only ones I am attracted to. And once I get to know them then the skies the limit! I now consider all women with a inner being of dishonest. Most of them use their looks and vivacious personality to wrap a man around their little fingers to get what ever they want. I could prove those that are interested of three women who cheated me of over $10,000 this year alone. They always spoke the right words and we webcamed together a bit so I believed that they were true to me. But then they needed money to come and see me. Something was always happening in there lives that they asked for money. So I paid them. after all we were “in love” with eachotherand could allegedly trust each other. So that is the end of my storie for now. Wish you well and God bless you!!

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a poem (“The Glove and the Lions”) that illustrates the difference between love and vanity:

poetryfoundation.org/poem/173699

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Women tend to be more covert and indirect in their verbal and non-verbal communications than men. That’s a feature, not a bug. Deal with it …

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned about women is this: if a man sees a difference between a woman’s words and her actions, he should always take her actions to represent how she really feels about something. Think of this as a form of indirect communication. A couple of basic examples will suffice to show what I mean: a woman tells the world her marriage is going great, but she denies sex to her husband and will not discuss the matter with him. Or … a single woman says she likes nice guys who open doors for her, but she routinely falls for the cads. In both cases, her true feelings are reflected in her actions, not her words. Men, look at what she does, what is she communicating by her actions?

So back on topic: she’s not returning my calls or texts. Well now … that’s an action, she’s letting the world know that she is not impressed with this desert bum. No problem, I can take a hint.

 

[Naskor]

Women tend to be more covert and indirect in their verbal and non-verbal communications than men. That’s a feature, not a bug. Deal with it …

I think it’s more of a cultural thing than a women in general thing. I’m a STEM guy, I’ve met and worked with people all over the world and noticed us American are very indirect when we speak. If you’ve done someone incorrectly an American girl would probably say “I don’t think that’s right”. A German or Russian woman would probably say " You’re wrong about that and here is why".

A few years of that and the Americans become much more socially capable.

 

[Xantippe]

I think it’s more of a cultural thing than a women in general thing. I’m a STEM guy, I’ve met and worked with people all over the world and noticed us American are very indirect when we speak. If you’ve done someone incorrectly an American girl would probably say “I don’t think that’s right”. A German or Russian woman would probably say " You’re wrong about that and here is why".

A few years of that and the Americans become much more socially capable.

Some of that may be a language issue–particularly with the Russians (I lived in Russia and boy, howdy, Russian women can be much more indirect than Americans). I agree that the Germans have a tendency to tell it like it is. The Russian women you met may not know HOW to say stuff indirectly in English, so they are forced to be direct in order to communicate.

There is genuinely a cultural dimension. And conversely, Americans are much more direct than, say, Japanese. And Americans (at least for a long time) were viewed as being much more direct than the English.

Middle class Americans of both sexes often put a lot of value on not hurting people’s feelings unnecessarily. Hence, when people say, “Well, I’ll let you go now,” on the phone, it means “I’m done talking with you now!” (There are some regional variations–the Northeasterners may sometimes pride themselves on speaking their minds and let the chips fall where they may, while the Southerners are particularly mild mannered. I’m a transplanted Northerner in a Southern-influenced area, and it often takes me a while to translate the local speech into what it actually means. The locals (of both sexes) can be very indirect.)

 

[Xantippe]

Women tend to be more covert and indirect in their verbal and non-verbal communications than men. That’s a feature, not a bug. Deal with it …

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned about women is this: if a man sees a difference between a woman’s words and her actions, he should always take her actions to represent how she really feels about something. Think of this as a form of indirect communication. A couple of basic examples will suffice to show what I mean: a woman tells the world her marriage is going great, but she denies sex to her husband and will not discuss the matter with him. Or … a single woman says she likes nice guys who open doors for her, but she routinely falls for the cads. In both cases, her true feelings are reflected in her actions, not her words. Men, look at what she does, what is she communicating by her actions?

So back on topic: she’s not returning my calls or texts. Well now … that’s an action, she’s letting the world know that she is not impressed with this desert bum. No problem, I can take a hint.

I think the advice to look at actions and to discount words accordingly is sound (She says “That’s so funny!”" while edgingly away), but I have to expand on your comments about the woman who says she likes nice guys who opens doors. There may be a lot more going on–maybe the “nice guy who opens doors” has nothing else going for him–no ambition, no passions, iffy finances, so-so hygiene, careless dress, pre-hoarder apartment, etc. And let’s say the “cad” smells nice, looks nice, has good posture, makes good eye contact, laughs at her jokes, makes moderate but not obtrusive physical contact, has a clean and attractive home, etc. Not an easy choice, is it? It’s no good having a heart of gold if the rest of you is tin. In fact, one wonders how golden the heart actually is if the person won’t make a minimal effort to make himself more appealing to the 7 billion other humans who share the planet with him. I bet you 10 to 1 that the “cad” is actually making an effort in various important ways.

She may genuinely like “nice guys who opens doors”–without believing that that’s the end all be all of male perfection. Likewise, a guy who says he can’t find a “nice girl” may not be mentioning his long list of other requirements–slender, under 25, virgin, no student loans, no other substantial debt, college educated, athletic, loves sports, etc. “Nice” is pretty basic. Nobody really just wants “nice.”

 

[Estevao]

Good responses, thanks for your perspective folks.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a more promising interpretation:

A soft no might mean, “I don’t feel like I know you well enough, but if you check back in a week or a month, I might know enough about you to go out with you.”

It strikes me that that might be a very common attitude among the women who are most suitable for you.

In that case, the reason it’s a soft no rather than a hard no is that she wants to keep the door open to things developing later.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Here’s a more promising interpretation:

A soft no might mean, “I don’t feel like I know you well enough, but if you check back in a week or a month, I might know enough about you to go out with you.”

It strikes me that that might be a very common attitude among the women who are most suitable for you.

In that case, the reason it’s a soft no rather than a hard no is that she wants to keep the door open to things developing later.

I myself have been known to use “I wish I could, but (excuse)”. It’s kind of a no, for now. I’m deciding how I feel about you…please check back later.

 

[adele78]

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but many women have a hard time telling men pursuing them, in black and white, that they are not interested.

Is it because women are so full of themselves that they think the man is going to be destroyed if she tells him this?

Why do women think it’s okay to string men along or drop hints about their lack of interest that men are just supposed to “get it” without her saying anything simple and clear?

Discuss

I don’t know if I’m interpreting the question correctly but I’m assuming you’re talking about a girl accepting a date from a guy that she may not be all that interested in.

1. I have never accepted a date from a guy that I didn’t see as having the tiniest bit of potential. However, that doesn’t guarantee that I will still like him after the first date. The main reason I continue to date men even if I’m not totally into them? I figure I might like him more if I get to know them better. It’s called giving someone a chance. You never know about a person until you get to talk to them for a bit. That having been said, I think about 3 or 4 dates is plenty of time.
2. Oddly enough I get pressure from other females (think mothers who want grandchildren) when I reject men. I used to go out with guys I wasn’t all that crazy about in order to appease their insistence that I give every guy a chance. I don’t do this anymore.
3. I also get guilt trips from female friends about how cruel I am when I reject guys directly. I try to tell them that guys appreciate it and see it as more respectful to just be upfront but apparently women seem to have this collective belief that dropping subtle hints is somehow morally preferable to being upfront and honest. I think it has to do with how girls are conditioned from an early age to always be nice. It takes maturity to understand that sometimes “nice” isn’t always the best response to every situation. But I admit to caving into peer pressure on several occasions.
4. And this may be my most important point. EVERYBODY does this in some fashion. It’s called avoiding conflict and everyone from colleagues to peers to customer service agents prefer to influence people through somewhat manipulative methods in order to control a situation. And don’t think it is just women who do this. I’ve had friends that intentionally treated their girlfriends horribly in order to avoid having to go through the process of breaking up with her. So he treats her bad in order to get her mad to the point where she breaks up with him. This is something I learned but guys sometimes actually prefer to have the girl dump them.

 

[maryjk]

I’m sure it’s a niceness issue. People don’t like upsetting people, so they end up giving them a slow death versus a quick one.

It’s not necessarily a positive quality and I think a polite but assertive refusal would be better, but it’s a hard trait to acquire for most people.

I’m sure you are right.

I know that I don’t like upsetting people. Men or women. You never know how someone is going to react.

In addition, sometimes it isn’t that the woman isn’t direct. It is that a woman could hit a guy over the head with a two by four and the the guys would still be wondering if he just asked the right way, she might say yes.

It has been years. I’ve been married for over 20. But I went out with a guy, as a favor to my BIL. The guy was new in town and had been invited to a big company gig. I agreed to go.

The guy couldn’t take no for an answer. “No, thank you.” “No, I can’t.” No." None of those worked.

I finally said, “Look dude, it was a mercy date. I am not interested. I will never be interested. Leave me alone.” What did he do? He asked if he could call me the next week.

 

[CaliLobo]

You know what, I’m starting to feel the same way as Estevao.

I messaged Xantippe about this already but I thought I’d share because it’s relevant to this thread.

Yesterday I met a girl at a triathlon. (By the way, races are great environments because everyone looks and feels good!) I talked to her, the convo was above average, so I got her number. There was NO mention of a boyfriend.

Then later I look at her Facebook (come on, you guys do this too) and it says she has a boyfriend.

My question is, should I call her? Also, why didn’t she mention her boyfriend??? Being subtle about rejection is one thing, but why couldn’t she be honest and direct about crucial information like relationship status? Do women understand how humiliating it is to flirt with a woman who is already in a relationship? We don’t want your boyfriends kicking our tails, you know!

 

[Thorns]

Actually when a woman says anything other than “Yes”

it means “I’m not interested”

it’s pretty easy actually.

So, when asking her on a date, for her number, etc…if she says anything other than “yes” it means I’m not interested.

Some women actually say yes though and will even agree to a specifically planned date with no intention of ever going. How do you explain that?

That only happened to me a couple of times a while back. I recall one girl pursuing me and suggesting lunch, and when Id agree with a set time and day shed agree. Then the day of, she either didnt pick up her phone or she cancelled with an excuse.

People love games.

 

[Thorns]

You know what, I’m starting to feel the same way as Estevao.

I messaged Xantippe about this already but I thought I’d share because it’s relevant to this thread.

Yesterday I met a girl at a triathlon. (By the way, races are great environments because everyone looks and feels good!) I talked to her, the convo was above average, so I got her number. There was NO mention of a boyfriend.

Then later I look at her Facebook (come on, you guys do this too) and it says she has a boyfriend.

My question is, should I call her? Also, why didn’t she mention her boyfriend??? Being subtle about rejection is one thing, but why couldn’t she be honest and direct about crucial information like relationship status? Do women understand how humiliating it is to flirt with a woman who is already in a relationship? We don’t want your boyfriends kicking our tails, you know!

Maybe she’s just using you to boost her confidence. Or likes attention from guys who she has no intention of ever going out with. Getting a phone number can mean several things other than that shes interested in you (like bragging rights, “oh some guy asked for my nber today”)

Or she might be unhappy with her boyfriend and is looking for a way out of that relationship.

 

[maryjk]

My question is, should I call her? Also, why didn’t she mention her boyfriend??? Being subtle about rejection is one thing, but why couldn’t she be honest and direct about crucial information like relationship status? Do women understand how humiliating it is to flirt with a woman who is already in a relationship? We don’t want your boyfriends kicking our tails, you know!

You met her at a race. Could it be that she was only interested in talking to you about the race? Or running?

Do you really think that women should start all conversations with, “Hi, my name is XXXX. And I have a boyfriend. If you are looking for a girl friend, look elsewhere. If you are looking for a fellow runner, I would like to met up with you. But don’t be surprised when I bring my boy friend. He likes to run too.”

Could it be that she didn’t know you were “flirting?” That you were looking for a girl friend? Could it be that she just thought you were being nice?

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but many women have a hard time telling men pursuing them, in black and white, that they are not interested.

Is it because women are so full of themselves that they think the man is going to be destroyed if she tells him this?

Why do women think it’s okay to string men along or drop hints about their lack of interest that men are just supposed to “get it” without her saying anything simple and clear?

Discuss

Firstly, I don’t really think this has anything to do with gender. Men don’t generally come out and say “I don’t like you, I’m not interested” either. Anyone remember the book He’s Just Not That Into You? It was a huge bestseller, for stating the obvious, which was basically, if you have to wonder if someone is interested, he probably isn’t. Same goes for women. If she likes you, she’ll want you to know, and if she doesn’t, she won’t bother and won’t care about being ambiguous. How long you want to be strung along is up to you. It’s all rather simple.

Secondly, nobody owes anyone else an explanation about why they do not like the other person, or are not interested in dating them. If she doesn’t want to go out with you, she can say “no thanks” or “I’m busy”, and that really should be answer enough. As a number of other posters have pointed out, if she’s interested she will make sure that you know it by suggesting alternative plans.

 

[Xantippe]

You met her at a race. Could it be that she was only interested in talking to you about the race? Or running?

Do you really think that women should start all conversations with, “Hi, my name is XXXX. And I have a boyfriend. If you are looking for a girl friend, look elsewhere. If you are looking for a fellow runner, I would like to met up with you. But don’t be surprised when I bring my boy friend. He likes to run too.”

Could it be that she didn’t know you were “flirting?” That you were looking for a girl friend? Could it be that she just thought you were being nice?

Come to think of it, when one is a normal monogamous person, one only needs one boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever, whereas you can have almost unlimited friends.

A person who has the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever slot filled up may still want more friends.

(I’m about to start friend hunting soon, but my search critierion is "interesting 30-50 year old mothers with at least some free time, " Catholic a plus).

 

[Lorelei12]

You met her at a race. Could it be that she was only interested in talking to you about the race? Or running?

Do you really think that women should start all conversations with, “Hi, my name is XXXX. And I have a boyfriend. If you are looking for a girl friend, look elsewhere. If you are looking for a fellow runner, I would like to met up with you. But don’t be surprised when I bring my boy friend. He likes to run too.”

Could it be that she didn’t know you were “flirting?” That you were looking for a girl friend? Could it be that she just thought you were being nice?

Yep, all of this. I’d suggest not looking at every woman you talk to as a prospective partner, and just get to know people. And if you are going to get someone’s number with the intention of asking her out, tell her that directly: “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, and I’d like to take you out sometime.” Someone’s relationship status is not “crucial information” to someone who thinks she’s talking to a nice guy she met at a race who also enjoys running but isn’t looking for a date.

 

[on_the_hill]

Do you really think that women should start all conversations with, "Hi, my name is XXXX. And I have a boyfriend.

Plus how would it make her look, to assume that you’re interested in a date/relationship with her from the moment you met her? “We both know I’m beautiful, but I have a boyfriend, so don’t waste your time.”

As for the OP, men can be very insistent. As a man, I found it quite unnerving when I finally realized how it can be for women.