Why courtship?

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OnlyAmbrose

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I’m not personally interested in dating or courting (discerning a vocation here), but I’m very curious as to the reasons why dating is frowned upon by most orthodox Catholics. If I told any one of my Catholic friends that dating is bad, they’d think I was joking (though it wouldn’t be the first thing I said that got such a response 😛 ).

So two questions, really. What distinguishes courting from dating, and why is courting the better, more Catholic option?
 
“Courting” is nothing theological. It is just an excavation of 19th century mating customs. What people understand by the name also differs from person to person.

As for what the problem with dating is, however, I can tell you. My problem with it is the randomness, the quickness of it, the isolated nature of several dates as opposed to actually spending some time with someone. I also dislike the pressure to become exclusive if you’re just spending time and learning about someone - and I equally or even more strongly dislike the idea of non-exclusive romance with kissing and the like.

In short, dating is a flawed concept.
 
Courting is a different form of getting to know someone better.
It involves spending time together in a family setting for the purpose of getting married. Now, I’m guessing that there are some variations of Courtship. Some involve NO private time, others involve some, or a limited amount of semi-private time.

The real thing that sets the two apart is that dating also might not even be for marriage. You may not be seriously considering whether or not you’d like to marry your GF/BF. Its ausually casual. You’re going to the movies, or something AWAY from the family and spending all that time together and usually alone, but not always for the purpose of discerning marriage (which is a standard for courtship)

Now, some of the methods in dating aren’t all bad. My sister dated her now-husband. They did everything right and got married without any previous…er…mistakes.
But Courtship pretty much doesn’t allow that stuff to happen anyways, so that’s good, too. It takes away the occasion of sin.

that’s probably why its preferred.
  1. Because its a serious discernment
  2. Because it will make it VERY hard for a couple to fall into sin.
 
It depends on what you definition of “courtship” is. “Dating” and “courtship” mean different things to different people, and you can’t have a discussion on them without defining what distinguishes the two.

Some definitions of courtship require the man to get permission from the woman’s father before spending time with her. I seriously doubt that “most orthodox Catholics” would prefer this style of courtship.

On the other hand, you could use the word “courtship” to describe a more intentional form of dating. In this form of courtship, “dating” is okay, but any dating must be directed towards the purpose of discerning marriage with a particular man or woman. Purely recreational dating, which is spending romantic time with a man or woman who you have no intention of ever marrying if the relationship works out, would be avoided.
OnlyAmbrose said:
I’m not personally interested in dating or courting (discerning a vocation here), but I’m very curious as to the reasons why dating is frowned upon by most orthodox Catholics. If I told any one of my Catholic friends that dating is bad, they’d think I was joking (though it wouldn’t be the first thing I said that got such a response 😛 ).

So two questions, really. What distinguishes courting from dating, and why is courting the better, more Catholic option?
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chevalier said:
I also dislike the pressure to become exclusive if you’re just spending time and learning about someone -
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I agree. When my mom was young, a girl could go to a movie w/ one guy on Friday and bowling w/ another on Saturday. No big deal.

I have been trying to explain to my 17 yr old why there is nothing wrong with doing the same thing. Just because you go out w/ someone once, does not mean you’re exclusive. (when my dd was telling a co-worker about this practice, the girl said, “Your mom wants you to be a slut??”)

I think dating to have fun and then breaking up when you’re bored is not the way to treat people.
 
KCT said:
I agree. When my mom was young, a girl could go to a movie w/ one guy on Friday and bowling w/ another on Saturday. No big deal.

I have been trying to explain to my 17 yr old why there is nothing wrong with doing the same thing. Just because you go out w/ someone once, does not mean you’re exclusive. (when my dd was telling a co-worker about this practice, the girl said, “Your mom wants you to be a slut??”)

**I can relate to your daughter! I went through the same issues as a teenager. While the basic morality behind innocent dating of more than one person is sound, in this culture it really is judged harshly.

It is hard to find a guy who would even be open to only going on one date (unless it’s just a “hook up”:() and would not want a second one if he knew you were with a different guy the next night.

The early possessiveness of young people today is bordering on mental illness (speaking from experience;)). There is no “getting to know each other anymore”. It is just “I date you, you’re mine”. And then teens stay in exclusive relationships because there is no really good reason to break up (like the other person isn’t a murderer:rolleyes:).**

I think dating to have fun and then breaking up when you’re bored is not the way to treat people.
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I was just listening to a radio program this evening on the same topic. My main concerns with dating - as practiced most commonly today - are:
  1. It is treated almost as a sport. Young peoples hearts are sometimes crushed and yet both parties are expected to move on.
  2. It teaches people how to break up. With each subsequent failed relationship, each party learns to be a little more careful and reserved in order to protect him/herself from future hurt. It does nothing to model or prepare one for a lifetime committment.
  3. Exclusive dating can (and almost always does) lead to a feeling that sex is inevitable.
Courtship, is supposed to counteract some of these danger areas.
 
Courtship is a new concept for me. I never thought about it until I read it here on CAF. So I have a few questions?
  1. What if you have a messed up family? Seems like spending a lot of time prior to marriage with my bf and my family would have been counter productive. It would have introduced a million issues that warranted in depth explainations before the relationship was deep enough to be able to bare them. Also, I don’t spend a lot of time with them now after marriage, why would I do so before marriage.
  2. Doesn’t dating, that is casual non-exclusive one-on-one outings, lead to courtship? It doesn’t make sense to me to begin the courtship process without having dated the person for several months to get to know compatibility, etc before going on to more serious marriage discernment.
  3. Finally, what should teenagers be doing, if not dating? I think the right time to marry is 26-30 years old. But there are many experiences and valuable lessons that I learned through dating from 16 through 26, that gave me the wisdom to be able to discern the proper spouse for me. Plus it was a whole lot of wholesome fun!
Thanks for your answers, I have an 11 year old son, and I am rethinking all my experiences as I try to figure out what to teach him??
 
Courtship is romance God’s way. Dating is romance man’s way.
 
Larowyn said:
ITT: people arguing over semantics.
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I don’t know what ITT means, but it’s definitely not arguing over semantics. Dating and courtship are kind of opposites.

Dating:
Spending time alone, away from family, worrying more about having fun than getting to know the other person, not always looking for a potential spouse

Courtship:
Spending time with family trying to get to really know the person to see if you are right for marriage

I don’t see how you could say they are the same.
 
It all really depends on your age and social situations too. I haven’t “dated” anyone since high school, and never will again. However, in high school, when I decided I wanted to “date” someone, it was exclusive, and since i came from a small school, I already knew mostly everyone in the school. If I wanted to date someone, it was someone I felt attracted to and wanted to see if there was a mutual attraction on a deeper level, which meant more intimate conversation than you would have with a group of friends. It did not mean anything sexual, and I did not feel like I had to kiss or do anything romantic unless I wanted to. Once I figured out that they weren’t right for marriage, I let them know and we conceded to just being friends and searching elsewhere for a future spouse. I think it ended up working out alright for me. However, in a more adult situation where you don’t know someone very well, it may be different.
 
buckr02 said:
I don’t know what ITT means, but it’s definitely not arguing over semantics. Dating and courtship are kind of opposites.

Dating:
Spending time alone, away from family, worrying more about having fun than getting to know the other person, not always looking for a potential spouse

Courtship:
Spending time with family trying to get to really know the person to see if you are right for marriage

I don’t see how you could say they are the same.
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ITT is “In this topic.”

Dating and courtship are the same thing; they are meant to determine if a person is suitable for marriage.
 
Larowyn said:
ITT is “In this topic.”

Dating and courtship are the same thing; they are meant to determine if a person is suitable for marriage.
Click to expand...
Candles and flashlights are both meant to provide light. That doesn’t make them the same thing.
 
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