Why did St. Alphonsus Say That?

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DavidSears

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I have a girlfriend of 8 months, and seeing we are 16 and 15, we cannot get married for a couple of more years. I read this on an examination of conscience:

“Have I allowed them to date/go steady without the prospect of marriage within the near future? (St. Alphonsus says 1 year maximum.)”

I’m not fornicating, I made it clear nothing more than hugging and kissing. Boundaries are set and I refuse to change them. So now what? Does that mean I have to end it? I’m a little upset by this…
 
You have to follow the CCC, you don’t have to follow Saint Alphonsus.
 
triumphguy said:
You have to follow the CCC, you don’t have to follow Saint Alphonsus.
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It isn’t mentioned in the CCC. Is it okay if I message you later around 10:30 PM Eastern Time?(I’m not sure what time zone you’re in, I had a question).
 
Saints aren’t infallible (nor are examination of conscience pamphlets). From the very little I’ve read concerning him, I think Alphonsus erred on some other moral points as well.

I know that many people discourage dating/courtship without the serious prospect of marriage in the near future (I’ve seen some say a couple of years - apparently Alphonsus says a year). This might be generally good advice (on the other hand, two of my friends, after a month or so of dating were engaged to be married within a little more than a year - in their case it was fortunate that it ultimately fell through. I also had a friend who dated his girlfriend for about three years before becoming engaged and is now happily married). In any case, however, it’s not a moral issue. There’s no question of sin - the examination of conscience you are using is wrong.
 
Personally I feel that the possibility of marriage must be there, not necessarily any time soon, but if you know that it can’t lead to marriage it’s just unnecessary temptation. Whether you have to wait a year or two, or until college graduation, or whatever, isn’t as important.(Though I would imagine it would be extremely difficult to be with someone 4-5 years without accidentally slipping up once, and I think that’s why so many frown upon it)
 
As a mom of a teenaged boy, I would discourage you from dating exclusively or considering her your girlfriend. Not because what you are doing is a sin, but exactly because you aren’t ready to be married and won’t be for a minimum of 3 years or so.

The issue of temptation aside, there is still a consideration that you are tying up this young lady’s mind and heart. Neither of you are considering other types of people, and you may even be (unintentionally) cutting each other off from potential and actual friends.

Please consider your girlfriend’s heart and begin to transition to being more just friends and less an exclusive couple. Women are very affected by exclusive relationships - it is the way God designed us - and even if you aren’t having sex, you are still setting her up for heartbreak If/when you do break up.

I encourage you to wait until you are older and more ready to consider marriage before you engage in another exclusive relationship.
 
DavidSears said:
I have a girlfriend of 8 months, and seeing we are 16 and 15, we cannot get married for a couple of more years. I read this on an examination of conscience:

“Have I allowed them to date/go steady without the prospect of marriage within the near future? (St. Alphonsus says 1 year maximum.)”

I’m not fornicating, I made it clear nothing more than hugging and kissing. Boundaries are set and I refuse to change them. So now what? Does that mean I have to end it? I’m a little upset by this…
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As a separate issue even getting married in 2 years is still far too young (you would only be 18/17 - that’s a recipe for disaster).
Focus on education then establishing a career before marrying.
 
DavidSears said:
I have a girlfriend of 8 months, and seeing we are 16 and 15, we cannot get married for a couple of more years. I read this on an examination of conscience:

“Have I allowed them to date/go steady without the prospect of marriage within the near future? (St. Alphonsus says 1 year maximum.)”

I’m not fornicating, I made it clear nothing more than hugging and kissing. Boundaries are set and I refuse to change them. So now what? Does that mean I have to end it? I’m a little upset by this…
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St. Alphonsus also said no kissing. So if you want to really man up and show her you love her adhere to the saintly doctor’s instruction and keep you hands to yourself.
 
Good answers. Okay. Well, it’ll end when it ends. But I read some posts and think to myself, none of these people posting ever dated? If I could get married at this age I would, but I can’t. People that say “its a temptation to sin,” if you think about it, anything can be a temptation to sin. This computer, I could go look at pornography, but I know not to. I can go to a buffet and over eat. But gluttony, remember? What about Junior Prom I have coming up? Is going to that with her a sin? All questions.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
As a mom of a teenaged boy, I would discourage you from dating exclusively or considering her your girlfriend. Not because what you are doing is a sin, but exactly because you aren’t ready to be married and won’t be for a minimum of 3 years or so.

The issue of temptation aside, there is still a consideration that you are tying up this young lady’s mind and heart. Neither of you are considering other types of people, and you may even be (unintentionally) cutting each other off from potential and actual friends.

Please consider your girlfriend’s heart and begin to transition to being more just friends and less an exclusive couple. Women are very affected by exclusive relationships - it is the way God designed us - and even if you aren’t having sex, you are still setting her up for heartbreak If/when you do break up.

I encourage you to wait until you are older and more ready to consider marriage before you engage in another exclusive relationship.
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On the flip side, we could last, and get married when the time comes, and stay married. No one knows their future. Only God knows His plans for you. I’m not saying it is, but maybe this is His plan. No one can be sure. That is why I plan to pray and meditate on the subject, talk to my priest, and let you know what I come up with. Most people believe Mary was betrothed in her early teens.
 
IacomusIosephus said:
St. Alphonsus also said no kissing. So if you want to really man up and show her you love her adhere to the saintly doctor’s instruction and keep you hands to yourself.
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So why not just be celibate? Are you saying when people are dating or engaged, they don’t hug or kiss?
 
Hi David

St Alphonsus had a passion for the Salvation of Souls. He knew that placing ourselves in a position where there is a good chance we will be tempted to sin, was unwise despite our resolve to keep our guard up. That is the short answer to your question.

If both of you have very strong faith you may make it, but what you are doing by “hugging and kissing” is not unlike poking a stick through a fence at a German Shepard. You can still get bit if that dog knows a way around or over that fence.

If you are convinced you can stand strong, no one on this forum will change your mind. But please know that if someone gives you the answer you seem to want to hear, they aren’t your friend.

God Bless and Merry Christmas 🙂
 
Saints_Alive said:
Hi David

St Alphonsus had a passion for the Salvation of Souls. He knew that placing ourselves in a position where there is a good chance we will be tempted to sin, was unwise despite our resolve to keep our guard up. That is the short answer to your question.

If both of you have very strong faith you may make it, but what you are doing by “hugging and kissing” is not unlike poking a stick through a fence at a German Shepard. You can still get bit if that dog knows a way around or over that fence.

If you are convinced you can stand strong, no one on this forum will change your mind. But please know that if someone gives you the answer you seem to want to hear, they aren’t your friend.

God Bless and Merry Christmas 🙂
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I absolutely agree. I believe that hugging and kissing can be dangerous for those who do it out of lust and not love. Its not the hugging and kissing thats a sin (err, I don’t think), its the intention. I rarely see her out of school because she always has to take care of her younger siblings, so not only do I have no desire or temptation to go further, I also can’t in school. I love her and respect her, and I am going to treat her like God’s creation because she IS God’s creation.

PS. Merry Christmas! 😃
 
I talked to my priest who knows me well, he says there is nothing sinful about it, but don’t let it interfere with my schoolwork. If it isn’t in the catechism, I usually talk to him.
 
TeenageConvert said:
Personally I feel that the possibility of marriage must be there, not necessarily any time soon, but if you know that it can’t lead to marriage it’s just unnecessary temptation. Whether you have to wait a year or two, or until college graduation, or whatever, isn’t as important.(Though I would imagine it would be extremely difficult to be with someone 4-5 years without accidentally slipping up once, and I think that’s why so many frown upon it)
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Great answer, I think just dating a bunch of women all your life with no intent to marry, then that is wrong, because you’re using the other person, which is wrong. I also believe that kissing, long term relationships, even holding hands can lead to slipping up, however I also think it is unfair that they take every person in a relationship but not married in one group of “people with no self control and should not even kiss because that can lead to fornication” people. I think that kissing can lead to sin, I believe ANYTHING can lead you to sin. Stubbing your toe can lead you to sin because you may start cursing. Even if someone says “I’m not going to ever get out of bed because anything I can do outside can lead me to sin,” if you get a bed sore while laying there, I bet that person is going to start cursing!
 
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