Why do guys say such hurtful things?

[Brendan_64]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

Well why haven’t you told him that these sort of comments upset you? How is he meant to know they upset you if you don’t even tell him?

He’s called you brilliant, in his mind he’s paid you a huge compliment. Men do not see it as their role to compliment women or make women feel good about themselves. That is not what relationships are for.

Don’t expect him to be a mind reader and know that you are upset by his comments. If you want a man to know that you are upset about something he is doing you need to be specific, very specific. Don’t just expect him to know, and don’t think that dropping hints (no matter how strong) will work either, they won’t. You need to tell him exactly what he said to you (word for word) on what date, at what time, and where you both were when he said it. Then tell him exactly how it makes you feel, and (very importantly) why it makes you feel like that. Without doing all of this he will not know how you feel, why you feel like this and exactly what he has done to cause you to feel like this.

And then, after you have told him this, don’t expect him to stop making these sort of comments straight away, it will take time and you will have to go through the whole process outlined above several times (when each new occasion arises).

Relationships are not all sweetness and light, where each person makes the other person feel good about themselves, life isn’t like that. Being hurt, and insulted on occasion, by the other party is a normal part of the relationship. Entering a relationship in the hope that it will make you feel good about yourself or boost your self-esteem is to set yourself up for even more hurt and upset. Relationships aren’t like that.

And if after a couple of months of you keeping reminding him (very specifically and in detail each time) that such comments upset you, and he still persists, then dump him and move on. You are in control of your life and it is your decision whether or not you want to stay in a relationship (that is not a marriage). There is no point staying in a relationship and then moaning about how bad the other person is. You have been given, by God, the gift of free will, take responsibility for this gift and use it.

And if you’re not in a relationship with this guy, why are you even talking to him? Why would anyone want to continue talking to someone who is upsetting them? Tell him to clear off.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Here is the way I look at this.

First of all, he is not your friend if he says bad things about you. Would you remain friends if he said these things about one of your girlfriends? What if he said these things about your mother? Pretend next time you get a “compliment” he has just told you that is what he thinks of your mother. Ask yourself what do I want to do about this person putting down my mother?

About your looks:

People’s looks change over time. I thought John Travota was strange looking when he was young and he was all the rage then. I am talking about the Welcome Back Kotter and Saturday Night Fever timeframe. When he got older I thought he was good looking. He grew into his face, if that makes sense.

You are 20 and it just might be that you have not blossomed yet. Some people bloom early and lose their looks later.

There used to be a commercial for milk with a young girl who was talking to a boy about how he thought she was nothing now, but just wait until later. That is the way you have to think of yourself.

In any case, there are thoughtless people of both sexes. What he said was thoughtless and I would tell him so. Don’t let anyone get away with that. Don’t get super mad or show anger. Show just a bit of hurt or annoyance and say, “Gee , thanks”. Either that or joke and say, “Oh, but wait til you see me in 10 years! I will have matured. I will be gorgeous and you will eat your heart out.” And believe it!

And try not to say things like, “All men are…” (fill in the blank with something negative). Nothing makes a woman look more unattractive than saying something negative about men and placing all men into that negative category.

 

[Brendan_64]

And try not to say things like, “All men are…” (fill in the blank with something negative). Nothing makes a woman look more unattractive than saying something negative about men and placing all men into that negative category.

That is correct. Negative stereotyping by women about men (and many women say it quite openly to us as well, as if its perfectly OK to do so) is just tedious and boring. And men do not find boring and tedious to be attractive qualities in a woman.

 

[white_sheep]

Should’ve slapped him.

 

[Irishmom2]

Lovesdance, I am wondering what you said to him when your “friend” says these things to you. How do you respond, if you do in fact say something to him? We have to teach people sometimes what is acceptable behavior. What did you say to him that would let him continue to think what he said was alright with you?

 

[Khalid]

My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”

This is a disservice to men (of which I am one), and illustrates the point the first reply made – women and men both tend to be unkind (we are fallen and stained by Adam’s sin, and depraved, but for the grace of God), howbeit in different ways. The man in the first post, and the first reply, both spoke straightforwardly, as I am. Women tend to snark, another word for “sarcastic and/or hurtful code”.

The first reply is right, that most people – by definition – are plain or average-looking. Only the bottom 20%, say, are going to be thought of as ugly; and only the top 20% as beautiful to a lesser or greater degree. I know I’m not in either of those brackets, insofar as I can tell – but I certainly don’t tend towards the top 20%. Does this mean I’m unlikely to marry? Far from it.

“Self-esteem” is hubris and is always a bad thing. Some respect for oneself, on the other hand, is a useful thing, and can help defray the impact of such negative comments. I’m 23. In ten years, I’m unlikely to be more handsome than I am; a girl who is 20, is extraordinarily unlikely to be more beautiful in 10 years than she is now. (Face it: within the same person, for women, from a man’s point of view, somewhere between 18 and 27 is where the pinnacle of purely physical attractiveness is reached.) Does this mean either is ugly? No. Remember also: beauty is a subjective judgement. What is plain to one can be either ugly or beautiful to another. I know from experience that I have an oddball sense of beauty in the opposite sex – as do most men I know. It’s why, outside of secondary school, different men and women attempt to date different men and women, and not the same small group, which, in secondary school, is anyways more due to the influence or power and prestige of the group you are attempting to “date into” (Not necessarily because they’re beautiful physically, let alone mentally or soulfully, but because of social expectations and pressures, much how even adults tend to define “success” in material-monetary terms.)

There likely is definable some sort of mathematical standard or proportion for what is “beautiful”, according to that proportion (for a nice tautology): but for attractiveness? or compatibility? or love? No. I’m sure you have seen some handsome, gorgeous men that you wouldn’t necessarily want to date, let alone marry. I, as a man, have most certainly seen the same in women. Would we break a vow or leave a church for a mate (“it is not good for man to be alone”) because they happened to look well when walking down the street? No. Some would for no reason (although Martin Luther would beg to disagree). There is far, far more to dating, love, compatibility, companionship, and, yes, even lust than some objective and mechanical standard of “beauty”.

 

[roadgeek]

My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”

Kind of Prejudice don’t you think? Sorry you feel that men are selfish. Some of us are just stupid. That’s what my wife thinks of me.

 

[Brendan_64]

This is a disservice to men (of which I am one), and illustrates the point the first reply made – women and men both tend to be unkind (we are fallen and stained by Adam’s sin, and depraved, but for the grace of God), howbeit in different ways. The man in the first post, and the first reply, both spoke straightforwardly, as I am. Women tend to snark, another word for “sarcastic and/or hurtful code”.

The first reply is right, that most people – by definition – are plain or average-looking. Only the bottom 20%, say, are going to be thought of as ugly; and only the top 20% as beautiful to a lesser or greater degree. I know I’m not in either of those brackets, insofar as I can tell – but I certainly don’t tend towards the top 20%. Does this mean I’m unlikely to marry? Far from it.

“Self-esteem” is hubris and is always a bad thing. Some respect for oneself, on the other hand, is a useful thing, and can help defray the impact of such negative comments. I’m 23. In ten years, I’m unlikely to be more handsome than I am; a girl who is 20, is extraordinarily unlikely to be more beautiful in 10 years than she is now. (Face it: within the same person, for women, from a man’s point of view, somewhere between 18 and 27 is where the pinnacle of purely physical attractiveness is reached.) Does this mean either is ugly? No. Remember also: beauty is a subjective judgement. What is plain to one can be either ugly or beautiful to another. I know from experience that I have an oddball sense of beauty in the opposite sex – as do most men I know. It’s why, outside of secondary school, different men and women attempt to date different men and women, and not the same small group, which, in secondary school, is anyways more due to the influence or power and prestige of the group you are attempting to “date into” (Not necessarily because they’re beautiful physically, let alone mentally or soulfully, but because of social expectations and pressures, much how even adults tend to define “success” in material-monetary terms.)

There likely is definable some sort of mathematical standard or proportion for what is “beautiful”, according to that proportion (for a nice tautology): but for attractiveness? or compatibility? or love? No. I’m sure you have seen some handsome, gorgeous men that you wouldn’t necessarily want to date, let alone marry. I, as a man, have most certainly seen the same in women. Would we break a vow or leave a church for a mate (“it is not good for man to be alone”) because they happened to look well when walking down the street? No. Some would for no reason (although Martin Luther would beg to disagree). There is far, far more to dating, love, compatibility, companionship, and, yes, even lust than some objective and mechanical standard of “beauty”.

Excellent post.

Most of us are plain, average people. That is who we are. Remember what was said in Isaiah about the Suffering Servant who would come as a man to save mankind, “he had no form or comeliness that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him” Isaiah 53:2.

Christ was ‘plain’ when He walked the earth as Man. If Christ was ‘plain’ looking, then ‘plain’ should be good enough for the rest of us.

Expecting people to compliment you by telling you that you are beautiful is narcissism, but because narcissism is so ingrained in our society today, many women (an plenty of men too) now expect it as some sort of entitlement to be told that they are beautiful. All the media nonsense setting physical beauty on a pedestal, along with the ‘feminist-driven’ response to it insisting that all women are ‘beautiful’ and deserve to be told this, is self-indulgent, self-centred, narcissism.

Self-esteem is nonsense. Self-respect is what matters, and self-respect comes from within, and from how you treat others (not from how they treat you). Look at Maximilian Kolbe for example, did his self-respect depend on how others treated him?

 

[Chantal25]

It was clumsy of him but maybe what he meant, is that you are beautiful as you are without the needs of fancy close or make up and you are attractive to him.

If you remove the hair style, close and make up, most women would look plain too.

As a younger girl, i wasn’t attractive either and i think this was a blessings from God to protect me. When i became a young adult, something changed and men were like bees going for honey. I was completely miserable and i didn’t like it one bit and felt they forgot that i have a soul and i wasn’t just a piece of meat.

Anyway, what matter is to have a beautiful heart so Jesus can stay there. Mother Mary is known to be amazingly beautiful and she said it was because of the love.

Worry about what God thinks of you and never again about others silly comments.
Blessings!

 

[Irishmom2]

The real title of this post should just have been “why did this guy say such hurtful things to me?”

You cannot paint all men to be this way any more than you can say all women don’t do this.

 

[Sarabande]

The real title of this post should just have been “why did this guy say such hurtful things to me?”

You cannot paint all men to be this way any more than you can say all women don’t do this.

 

[ringil]

I do believe what Psychology has been telling us for a while.

Men are attracted to beauty and women want competence and power.

This is the upmost generality of course but does hold some evolutionary truth.

BUt to the OP- that guy sounds like a real jerk!!

 

[Irishmom2]

I do believe what Psychology has been telling us for a while.

Men are attracted to beauty and women want competence and power.

This is the upmost generality of course but does hold some evolutionary truth.

BUt to the OP- that guy sounds like a real jerk!!

Ah, but some men find a woman’s intelligence and abilities beautiful!
I don’t know that every woman is attracted to power though.

 

[ringil]

Ah, but some men find a woman’s intelligence and abilities beautiful!
I don’t know that every woman is attracted to power though.

Like I said this is a gross generality, but I do feel there is some truth in the overall concept.

Also think of “power” in a more full sense- we//re not talking emperors here.

 

[Just_Lurking]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

This could be an example of “negging” - Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

It’s all over the internet if you want to Google it.

 

[EasterJoy]

This could be an example of “negging” - Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

It’s all over the internet if you want to Google it.

Since I don’t think he means to make a move on her, I’d vote for thoughtlessness, shallowness, and a lack of true appreciation for others as the most likely culprits. (After all, if the OP didn’t want to smack him, the other woman he was putting down surely would have been tempted!)

We can’t know someone else’s heart, but although a comment like that might easily have been meant as a compliment, it betrays a serious lack of insight into the reality of human worth in general and his immediate listener in particular. The fellow needs to wise up. Not all men are like that, though. At least this one is displaying his true colors. The OP should take what he says as a reflection on him, not on her. Let her be encouraged that the man she wants to find will not be like that. She does not have to change herself to find him or to please him once found, save to have the desire to advance in the eyes of God.

 

[Sarcelle]

Excellent post.

Most of us are plain, average people. That is who we are. Remember what was said in Isaiah about the Suffering Servant who would come as a man to save mankind, “he had no form or comeliness that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him” Isaiah 53:2.

Christ was ‘plain’ when He walked the earth as Man. If Christ was ‘plain’ looking, then ‘plain’ should be good enough for the rest of us.

Expecting people to compliment you by telling you that you are beautiful is narcissism, but because narcissism is so ingrained in our society today, many women (an plenty of men too) now expect it as some sort of entitlement to be told that they are beautiful. All the media nonsense setting physical beauty on a pedestal, along with the ‘feminist-driven’ response to it insisting that all women are ‘beautiful’ and deserve to be told this, is self-indulgent, self-centred, narcissism.

Self-esteem is nonsense. Self-respect is what matters, and self-respect comes from within, and from how you treat others (not from how they treat you). Look at Maximilian Kolbe for example, did his self-respect depend on how others treated him?

I don’t think it’s narcissism necessarily.

Women, especially young women are taught their value lies in how physically attractive they are. It has always been that way and is not just a modern phenomenon.

So if a woman is told that she is beautiful it means that.she is valued
If she is told she is ugly or plain than she interprets.it to mean that she is worthless
It’s hard for men to understand because men can be valued for things other than physical attractiveness. For women that is the only criteria.

Now.of course the Catholic church does not teach that but that attitude described above is common in secular.society.

 

[chevalier]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things?

Because they’re utter dolts? But somebody picked that guy. Somebody stayed with him after he said that.

A ‘nice guy’ isn’t really a girl’s pick, though. Evolution doesn’t reward men for being kind and considerate and talking nice. Neither do women typically favour them. Rougher types are more attractive.

I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant.

Can you identify any common traits in the men who have turned out to be jerks, traits which had made them attractive before?

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay.

No, you’re just very sad and feel burned out. But do look for different guys.

 

[Xantippe]

chevalier said:

“Rougher types are more attractive.”

Up to a point.

 

[fastenatingguy]

Guys may not know how to express their feelings, but they know an insult when they hear one.

I don’t know many guys who wouldn’t realize that this clueless clod just delivered the worst “compliment” ever. If they had been sitting near him, they would duck, because they’d expect the girl to either whack him or lay into him verbally. They might even try to beat her to it, so she’d see that this guy was not representative of guys as a group.

To some extent I disagree–courteously–because I think the vast majority of guys go through this “learning curve” at some point.

The earlier they do, the better… and hopefully a lesson learned.