I go from moments of extreme belief to lows of worry, concern, fear, despair.
How can I let go of all my fears, and questions and have complete blind faith?
I am just so confused.
I understand. Here’s how I deal with the same thing:
At some point, I had to just make a mental choice to not put so much emphasis on what I feel. I’m human, so having variations in how I feel is pretty normal. There comes a point when I have to recognize that my feelings are not the measuring stick for the firmness of my faith, being that faith, hope, and love are infused theological virtues.
It helps me to daily take a moment to recollect myself when I feel like what you are describing. I have to literally say to myself, “God made you for Himself. That’s why you are here. For no other reason do you exist. He made your soul for Himself by a specific act of His Will in conjunction with a free act of my parents mutual love. He knew everything that I would do and fail to do, and He made me anyway. He chose for me to exist. He chose to make me for Himself. That is why I’m here.” Also I’ll look at a crucifix and say to myself, “Look, is there anything that God won’t do to save you from Hell?” These thoughts help to divorce my dependence upon how I feel about my faith at any given moment.
I am human, so I must feel. My hope is not based on my feelings. Ever. If my Christianity is based on how I feel, then I’m lost because my feelings change so easily. They can change by how a priest talks to me in the confessional. They can change with the homily. They can change depending on how my family and friends treat me. They change with whatever television show that I may (idiotically) choose to watch. They change with the next song on the radio. They change with whatever theological or spritual book I’m reading (hey, sometimes St. Thomas Aquinas can scare the hell out of me…).
Daily recollection seems to be important. It helps me a great deal because how I feel at any given time then becomes nothing more than my natural feelings and not the basis for my faith. Honestly, I don’t have to feel anything at all; although, we all really like to feel a lot of consolation on a frequent basis.
Taking a few moments to really look at a Crucifix does help. It never dawned on me how much it could help. I looked at one closely for awhile until the thought hit me that I was indeed personally responsible for His wounds. My sins were the cause of His sufferings…but really, He accepted all of the sufferings out of love for my soul. He accepted death on a cross for you and me. He lives again for each of us. This is all very, very personal. What wouldn’t He do to save us from Hell? What wouldn’t He do to have us with Him forever? He is our beginning. He is our end. You can hear it a thousand times, but until it penetrates your heart…
Maybe the best thing that you can do is to focus as much as possible on learning and thinking about Jesus, that way you’re not so susceptible to being discouraged by your own feelings. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I tend to be the same way. For people like us it may be very, very important to truly “die to self so that Jesus may live on in our place”.
But I am trying! For the first time in my life…I am really trying. I hope I can be forgiven!