Why do I keep falling for married men?

[bibliophile]

Hello everyone. I don’t think anyone would remember me but I posted about a year ago about my struggles being attracted to a married man from work. I found the responses very helpful. Thankfully I didn’t act on my attraction and I have not seen that man since I moved out of the area to get another job.

Unfortunately, now I’ve met another married man at my new workplace. I actually didn’t even like him at first, but slowly started warming up to him and I noticed that he was always nice to me, giving me advice about my new job, and also was a great listener, the type who knows when to give advice and when to just listen to you, something I find rare in men. So I thought perhaps we could be friends. However, a couple weeks ago there was this moment when I happened to see him walking down the hall, and he saw me, smiled and waved, and walked on. Suddenly it occured to me how very attractive he was. A few days later I saw him again and had a very nice conversation, and since then I’ve been obsessing over him.

Unlike the other man where I knew I was leaving the job soon and figured I could hold out until then, I know that I’ll be staying in this particular job for at least a year and cannot avoid him completely. Also he recently got promoted to a position that is technically above me and of course that situation is never good. I’ve met his wife who is a wonderful lady and if she ever got wind of this I’d feel totally humiliated.

Now, I have prayed to have these feelings taken away, but I feel rather defeated right now that this is happening to me again. Even if I manage to stay away from this man, what if I fall for some other married man next year? I do not want to become one of those women who run around with married men, yet I fear that if I keep getting tempted this way I will fall eventually.

I really don’t know why this keeps happening to me, except that old adage about all the good men out there either being married or gay. Unfortunately it seems that at my age (late twenties) most men my age who are still single are single for a reason; either they like the single (often promiscuous) life and don’t have any wish for a commited relationship, or there is something about them that makes women not want them (such as drug use, being a lazy bum, etc. It’s ironic though, that I’ve tended to think that many men only see women as sex objects and cannot relate to them as equals and friends. Yet it is me who recently has started out having male friends and then being attracted to them even though I know I shouldn’t be, as they are married.

These feelings cause me pain and suffering, I literally cannot sleep, so why do I have them? Is it just the nature of sin?

 

[whatevergirl]

***It’s possible that you’re reading into things, when these married men are being kind, and forthcoming with helpful advice. You might be attracted to them because you want to be married someday soon, and married life looks attractive to you. It might be that the married men, are just pseudo for married life, for you. One final thought, is that you could be attracted to men you ‘can’t have.’ Not that you’d ever act on it, but if we allow thoughts to mull around in our minds for too long, we might act them out…you might find yourself flirting with this man, before long, if you continue to entertain the thoughts.

I’d just keep praying to God, to be released of such thoughts…and possibly seek counseling, to get to the heart of why you are drawn to married men. Maybe some things will come out of that, that will surprise you, and will help you move forward.

But, definitely, it’s a good idea to stop entertaining the thoughts, as soon as possible. I will keep you in my prayers, life is filled with temptations, and this could just be an area that you’re tempted in, but for a reason. Allow God to enlighten you to that reason.

I also pray for you, that God will place in your path the ideal man for you to have your very own married life with…Good Catholic men*** are ******out there.

 

[monicatholic]

Now, I have prayed to have these feelings taken away, but I feel rather defeated right now that this is happening to me again. Even if I manage to stay away from this man, what if I fall for some other married man next year? I do not want to become one of those women who run around with married men, yet I fear that if I keep getting tempted this way I will fall eventually.

the feeling of defeat is a trick of the devil. he tempts us by saying, " this will never go away. just give in now."

it’s a lie.

don’t worry about future temptations. just stay close to the Lord now. stay obedient now. stay with God in the now.

obedience and love of God is never defeated. Jesus said, “the world will give you many troubles. but take heart! I have overcome the world!”
there’s NO defeat in HIM.

 

[odopa]

However, a couple weeks ago there was this moment when I happened to see him walking down the hall, and he saw me, smiled and waved, and walked on. Suddenly it occured to me how very attractive he was. A few days later I saw him again and had a very nice conversation, and since then I’ve been obsessing over him.

Hi,
I understand your dilemma. You saw a quality in this guy that drew him to you. You identified with this quality and willed it for yourself. Its got nothing to do with falling in love with this guy. What will you say if for example, you were allowed to live with him for, say, a month and you realised he had questionable hygiene issues. I agree with the other two writers, you are beginning to think it is time to settle down in marriage, you are subconsciously identifying certain qualities you would want in your own marriage in these men who are already in the institution. You are feeling the warmth and love you expect to receive should you find yourself in wedlock with a partner. Sister, what is happening to you has got nothing to do physically with the two previous married men. It is all about you, not them. That is why I will suggest you do not take any steps to bring your obsession to his knowledge. Keep praying for a suitor, God knows who your partner is, that unique person is out there somewhere looking for you, its just a matter of time for your paths to cross, pray that this will be sooner rather than later and you will one day, look back at these two episodes in your life and laugh over it.

Cheer up Girl, get some sleep, as I believe your subject matter is by now snoring his head off, put on a brave face when you see him and exercise self restraint. Eventually the intensity of the obsession will begin to go down and you will be able to hold your own in a conversation with him without drooling all over him. Mark my word!

Whatever happens, let the Word be your guide, do not break a family as you may not be able to live with yourself, and may all your wishes come true.

Love and Peace.
Odopa.

 

[kesa82]

Granted, you are undoubtedly correct that many 30 and 40 year old bachelors are bums, but not all.
INVARIABLY behind every successful man are parents, a wife, an uncle, somebody, who worked their butt off to give him a foundation, a launching pad.
There are no self-made men. That is blow-hard arrogance and conceit.
Perhaps many work at McDonald’s merely because it is hard to make something out of nothing ?
We all would prefer to inherit comfort and happiness rather than build it.
So perhaps men should not complain of loneliness when they chase after super models —like the 500 others chasing after the same girls.
So perhaps women should not complain of loneliness when they chase after the same men that 500 other women are also chasing after.

Have you not seen that , irrespective of sex, what one has, or gets, or even is, as often as not, has NOTHING to do with what they DESERVE?
If you will claim that you have not seen this… well then I’m wasting my breathe. keep beating your head against a wall. :banghead:

One thing I have noticed again and again and again, people fix on every possible consideration BUT ONE , THIS ONE ; Is He/ she crazy about you?
More, like as not, there HAS been such a person, but they turned up their nose at that person, and chased after those who do not know they exist, and do not, and never will , care about them.

Concerning adultery , I like what my father said about it one time ; " If he would cheat on his wife, lie to her and sneak around on her, then it’s a good bet he would do the same to you. " Which is to say that even if you succeed and you do get what you want, what you get is a bitter fruit.

Here is something to try ; try obsessing about the wife or the children this will hurt. Is that a pleasant daydream? If it becomes a reality it is a thought you will be living.

 

[Eucharisted]

You may be falling for married men because you are attracted to an experienced man who will love you, take care of you, wants you for you, can make you babies, and who is in his prime of sexuality and beauty. Just saying.

 

[chevalier]

There’s a couple of things to say.

First, I second the advice to get some sleep. This is actually sometimes advised to people who are fighting temptation - so that they could be physically stronger and that could help them rule their own minds.

Second, yes, don’t read into things too much. The reason why married men may seem attractive may very well partly be the effect of forbidden fruit - despairing over what you can’t have, and it might very well, on the other hand, be the typical thing which makes people fall for their friends. When someone isn’t trying, he’s natural. He’s somewhat vulnerable, but he also shows the real qualities that someone else may like, not the game face which everyone knows is trying to make the best impression.

Third, attraction is not the same as a feeling of love. Perhaps you need more contact with people? When people have little contact with the opposite gender, it’s easy to mistake friendship and attraction for love because it’s hard for them to see the difference. If they have more contact with people, they realise that friendship can be much the same, but not really totally the same, with either men or women and the mere fact you care for a person of the opposite gender, who is also attractive to you - but many people probably are, does not yet mean it’s love of the kind that would push you into marriage with both parties free and willing.

Fourth, two isolated cases don’t make a rule yet. That you become attracted to married men is normal. What isn’t really is obsessing - don’t do that, realise you don’t have the power over your attractions but you have the power over your actions, and you’ll be fine. You’ve probably been attracted to this or that man, particularly a friend, but for some reason not willing to enter into any relationship. This isn’t much different. If you simply stop dwelling on this obsession, it should make a lot of difference. The attraction you talk about is a very early stage. People have that kind of feelings a lot of time. Just cut the cord between attraction and action. Don’t think that if you’re attracted, you’ve got to do something about it. You don’t. It doesn’t work that way.

Fifth, obviously, everyone’s single for a reason and those who are at a certain point in their lives and “still” single probably have a better reason than others. For example, probably most Catholics living in today’s world and following the commandment against fornication have difficulties coming from the fact they won’t have sex before they are married. Then also follows the prohibition against contraception, the idea that it’s not up to you to set arbitrary limits to your family size, and then there’s the matter of bringing children up to be good Catholics, obeying many of the things the “modern” people won’t stand for. That’s already a major one. Most probably suffer from lack of opportunities. If you meet people and all of them have someone, and you don’t want to make moves on someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, and you don’t meet anyone “single” (i.e. not having “someone”), to whom you’d be attracted, then you either go for any match or stay single. The latter is bad already, but the former is asking for a catastrophe. After this one, many “nice guys” suffer from a form of shyness and aren’t very outgoing in the male-female relationships. That probably contributes a fair deal to their being single. Dysfunctional people aren’t probably a large share, unless we’re talking about the modern secular culture, but you aren’t probably looking there.

Besides, well, everyone has his problems. Men your age who are single may have some problems in the area of social skills or maybe even some lack of industriousness in the sense they won’t go out, get a woman, build a house, get elected to the town council, lend their name to the main street and so on. As I said, we all have our deficiencies. You must inevitably notice that men your age are, well, your age. And women aren’t much different from men in this regard. See where this is leading? I’m 26 and single. What if I thought, “Well, half of the female surnames I hear are hyphenated and almost all of the rest have a boyfriend or fiance. There must be something wrong with the ones who are still single?” I would inevitably have to think, “Well, I’m their age and I’m single too, so I guess we aren’t that much different.”

So you will say, well, you know you don’t have big issues, you don’t know about those guys. Sure, but the only certain thing is that you don’t know. And if you don’t know, all of it is speculation. It means it’s worth little in comparison to reality. So don’t let those thoughts get in your head. Just give the poor sods their chance and who knows what you will find. Don’t unreasonably limit your hunting territory or the game’s gonna run off on you.

 

[kage_ar]

In addition to some of the great advice from above, it is a HORRIBLE idea to date people you work with. In many companies, it is actually something that will get you fired.

Start with making up your mind that you will never date a human being from your company.

Next, find someplace to volunteer your time, a place where you can get those feelings met in a valid way - call your Parish, they have scads of things and groups that need volunteers. You will feel better about yourself if you are doing for others AND you will get out and meet more people.

 

[chevalier]

In addition to some of the great advice from above, it is a HORRIBLE idea to date people you work with. In many companies, it is actually something that will get you fired.

Start with making up your mind that you will never date a human being from your company.

It may have bad consequences, but it isn’t unethical. Where I live, people don’t make any fuss of it. My mother married a man from a different department in the same corporation and there was never any negative reaction. Positive, more like, I suppose. It would be a different thing if one spend work time romancing, of course, or if it made for a disruptive atmosphere.

Myself, I’m more likely than not to end up marrying someone I’m working with, at least at some point, because that’s the lawyer’s fate. The kind of time people spend at work these days generally precludes most of other avenues for social interaction.

 

[FrenchGwen]

Hello !!
Very good advice was given here, so I’d just like to add one thing: the reason why you feel especially attracted to married men may have to do with what their marriage as such has made them: you’re appreciating their listening to you, helping you,… basically, things which a man (and a woman, too) learns to do in a healthy marriage !
That’s what’s wonderful in a marriage “that is working”: it actually makes both people better, and their being better to each other enables them to behave better to the people they interact daily with !
So, just keep an eye at that: the qualities which you enjoy in him have to a certain extent been given to him by another woman, his wife… And are closely linked to the bond he has to this other woman. Were he to deceive her because of you, there is much probability he would lose some of these qualities, because he would consent to the bond triggering him to give his best and be the best of man being broken…

So don’t bother ! you WILL find a man with whom, together, you can build that listening, respectful, communicative and loving relationship you’re longing for

 

[Em_in_FL]

I agree with the others here that your attraction is probably more toward the *personality *of a stable, loving, caring, listening partner than to this man in particular. This is an honorable desire, but it’s important to focus those desires toward prayer. Maybe you’re just looking in the wrong places if the single men you find aren’t attractive in that way? Are there any young singles groups at your parish that you can join? Put yourself in situations where you CAN meet men with similar mindsets - parish functions, volunteer opportunities, prayer groups, etc and build on a friendships with those who are like-minded. Having that very BASIC connection of faith, commitment, and ideals makes new relationships flourish with less effort - if the soil is right, the plant will grow… And of course… PRAY.
Like I mentioned above - your desires are honorable - but just be careful to direct those desires in a healthy fashion.
My prayers are with you.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You’re looking at the problem backwards.

(I say that a lot don’t I??)

Why do YOU keep falling for married men? No, that’s the wrong question.

Why do married men treat you with dignity, which you find attractive and the situation promotes a response back from you?

By your own admission, you didn’t even like him when you first met him. Only through constant professional contact did you get to know him. If he had been single and worked in another department, you would have walked right on by and never given him another thought.

How many fantastic guys have you walked right on by because they didn’t meet some predisposition of yours? Too short… too tall, laughs funny… too fat, too skinny… You never allowed yourself to get to know them inside.

Yet here is someone who have had to work with and so you got to know the person inside. And he treated you kindly, because he’s a good guy. And when someone treats you with respect, it changes you. But you seem a little like the gosling that follows the first person that it sees and thinks it’s her mother. When someone treats you with dignity and respect and you get to know them, you latch onto them.

Because you don’t have anyone else in your life. So they become your obsession. If you already had a boyfriend, you wouldn’t be thinking about this married man. ( agree with Gwen, his wife has trained him well and fatherhood has expanded his patience and kindness and maturity.)

Try this new thing: YOU be the person who treats some single guy with respect. Get to know him. Find out that he might be loveable too. Even if you didn’t like him at first. See the effect your respect and kindness have on him. He might fall in love with you. Don’t walk on by anymore. See every person as deserving of dignity. Find activities outside of work that allow you to get to know people as well as you get to know the men at work. To know some people is to love them.

And by the way, some people become more attractive the more you get to know them and the more you love them.

 

[AHapka]

In addition to some of the great advice from above, it is a HORRIBLE idea to date people you work with. In many companies, it is actually something that will get you fired.

Start with making up your mind that you will never date a human being from your company.

We’ve had many successful marriages here. Why would one exclude a potential wife or husband that they would be very happy with simply because they worked together?

Any company that would fire people who work there who date is quite simply mean in my opinion. Perhaps it is a company that likes getting involved in the social lives of it’s employees for whatever twisted reason.

Yes, breakups do happen. And when I’ve seen them happen here, people were still professional and worked with one another as necessary.

If God decides to bring two people together who work together “let no man split them asunder.”

 

[kage_ar]

My, sorry ya’ll. I’ve worked for a variety of companies, from “mom and pop” to fortune 500. Each them save one has had a stated nepotism policy that states married people cannot both work for the company, and by extention, one is discouraged from having romantic relationships inside the workplace and must make them known to their supervisors.

My mom retired from a major national retailer, that was corporate policy there that people related by marriage who worked together had to have a review at the corp level to make sure there was no nepotism (say that someone married someone and had a new in-law that worked for xyz, corp had to sign off on them both staying employed).

Seems some posters here find that nutty, but, it is just the world I know.

Sorry, ignore my advice, I’m crazy

 

[AHapka]

Sorry, ignore my advice, I’m crazy

You’re not crazy, you’re just sharing your life’s experience. Which is part of what we are here to do, learn from one another.

My wife and I worked together, both while dating, engaged, and married at several different companies together. We were hired together with full knowledge of our relationship.

We worked for two hotels (and in the same areas, and sometimes at the same time), and a staffing agency (though we both temped for different companies there).

I will have to agree that when it becomes employee/supervisor there is a vested interest by the company in seeing that there is no favoritism or lack thereof.

We have one such relationship here, and the policy is that he doesn’t supervise her, and she goes to another Sergeant for schedule trade requests, permission to do this or that, etc.

We do have one father Sergeant/son Deputy here and they can’t work the same shift. And the same policy goes that he doesn’t supervise his son (which is a good thing in this case, cause he’s the type who’d be harder on his son then any other employee).

 

[GerlyOne]

Hello everyone. I don’t think anyone would remember me but I posted about a year ago about my struggles being attracted to a married man from work. I found the responses very helpful. Thankfully I didn’t act on my attraction and I have not seen that man since I moved out of the area to get another job.

Unfortunately, now I’ve met another married man at my new workplace. I actually didn’t even like him at first, but slowly started warming up to him and I noticed that he was always nice to me, giving me advice about my new job, and also was a great listener, the type who knows when to give advice and when to just listen to you, something I find rare in men. So I thought perhaps we could be friends. However, a couple weeks ago there was this moment when I happened to see him walking down the hall, and he saw me, smiled and waved, and walked on. Suddenly it occured to me how very attractive he was. A few days later I saw him again and had a very nice conversation, and since then I’ve been obsessing over him.

Unlike the other man where I knew I was leaving the job soon and figured I could hold out until then, I know that I’ll be staying in this particular job for at least a year and cannot avoid him completely. Also he recently got promoted to a position that is technically above me and of course that situation is never good. I’ve met his wife who is a wonderful lady and if she ever got wind of this I’d feel totally humiliated.

Now, I have prayed to have these feelings taken away, but I feel rather defeated right now that this is happening to me again. Even if I manage to stay away from this man, what if I fall for some other married man next year? I do not want to become one of those women who run around with married men, yet I fear that if I keep getting tempted this way I will fall eventually.

I really don’t know why this keeps happening to me, except that old adage about all the good men out there either being married or gay. Unfortunately it seems that at my age (late twenties) most men my age who are still single are single for a reason; either they like the single (often promiscuous) life and don’t have any wish for a commited relationship, or there is something about them that makes women not want them (such as drug use, being a lazy bum, etc. It’s ironic though, that I’ve tended to think that many men only see women as sex objects and cannot relate to them as equals and friends. Yet it is me who recently has started out having male friends and then being attracted to them even though I know I shouldn’t be, as they are married.

These feelings cause me pain and suffering, I literally cannot sleep, so why do I have them? Is it just the nature of sin?

***STAY AWAY FROM HIS MARRIAGE…DO NOT START ANYTHING WITH THIS MAN THAT WILL CAUSE HARM AND HURT TO THOSE HE IS ALREADY COMMITTED TO!

This just happened to me this past January, a co-worker of my husband’s decided to flirt with him, they took it to another level by sharing intimate emails with each other…believe me, my husband has paid the price for his error and “lapse in judgement”…

At the end of the day, I am the one he chose, I am the one he loves…through counseling, reconciliation, and talking to a couple of priests, they have convinced me that I AM THE ONE HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT…and my husband has stated this to me many times since this all came out in the open.

Also, you would make him an adulterer as well as yourself, do you really want to be responsible for such a tragic sin???

Go join a singles group, join a prayer group, take a cold shower for crying out loud…just stay the _ _ ll away from his marriage! You get the picture?! :tsktsk:***