Why do married men go to prostitutes?

[kage_ar]

Sad situation. My advice, separate. You do not want to raise your son in an illegal situation. His dad is an addict, and it looks like his dad learned it at home. You can break that cycle.

Your husband will have to make a choice, his habit or his family.

Prayers for you.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

He confessed to me when I was pregnant that he feared the church would make me leave him. I’d really hate to prove his fears correct. I told him at the time it was a ridiculous fear, that the church is “all about families”.

I want so much for him to get help. The reality he’s creating doesn’t have to be. His sister has destroyed her family as well, just in the last year and a half her children were taken away from her, she only has supervised visitation now. It’s just a tragedy what has happened to this family started by a couple of partying teenagers in the 1970s. And now the actions of those two teenagers have spread out and affected two other families, and when our children grow up, they will affect other families. Maybe having a family of his own has somehow pushed him over the edge? Brought up repressed memories that he’s working even harder to escape than he did before? Things became so much worse just before our son was born.

I know I have to protect our son. I also know he deeply loves our son, a love he’s never known. I can only pray that he someday understands, if ever he’s able to come out of the fog, and know that I had to do something. I don’t want to be vindictive, but I’m sure that’s how I’ll be interpreted.

He’ll blame the church, and he’ll blame me, but he won’t spend much time blaming himself unless he’s forced to face himself. Dear God, please help him! And please guide me to be merciful and charitable!

 

[duskyjewel]

I think the reason this particular married man goes to prostitutes is that he has a slew of really serious problems, which have nothing to do with him being married.

You do have to protect your son. He is your paramount concern now, not what a hooker-visiting drug-addict will think, or whom or what he will blame. If his love for his son will not motivate him to straighten up, then it’s not really that important to him. And it’s not your fault, except that you chose this guy to be your son’s father, knowing he had all these problems. But that really doesn’t matter right now. You need to get yourself and your son to a safe, drug-free home and focus on raising him as well as you can. Hopefully, his father will use the loss of his family as motivation to clean up.

 

[ChooseLove]

He’ll blame the church, and he’ll blame me, but he won’t spend much time blaming himself unless he’s forced to face himself. Dear God, please help him! And please guide me to be merciful and charitable!

An addict of any sort will ALWAYS blame everyone else BUT themselves. YOU can’t be his savior in all this. Sometimes they have to fall hard to have Jesus come and be their savior. And watching the fall is not an easy cross to carry. Trust in Jesus, He loves him more than you ever will. Keep praying for him, since you are probably the ONLY person who has EVER prayed for him in his life. And with that said, this is also why everything could all be happening now. Satan doesn’t want you to pray for your dh’s soul, so he’ll do EVERYTHING in his power to keep you angry. If things stay as they are, expect them to get even worse, and expect your life and your son’s life to feel those effects. Pack his bags and tell him he HAS to go to counselling so many times a week with you for so many months, or you WILL file for a divorce. After this alloted time frame, he’s either gone faithfully with you, and you KNOW where you stand with him OR he’s made excuses to not go, and again you KNOW where you stand with him.

 

[Scanner]

A poster above listed the Top 10 reasons a man may go to a prostitute.

It seems the subject has diverted to your personal situation and that’s fine. . .I hope everything works out for you.

I just wanted to say, as a married man, I agree with the sentiment of those Top Reasons. They are fairly superficial and may represent a difference in the libido between 2 partners (or may not). The only other thing I may add is many women expect a 40+ year old male to perform like a 19 year old male, and we start to need foreplay as we get older. So. . .if the act tended to be over in 2 minutes. . .well, a man may need the attention that his wife isn’t used to or wants to give.

I want to disclose. . .I have never been to a prostitute but. . .I have considered it/been tempted by it. Basically, my wife has neglected me in that area for most of our marriage.

Now why a prostitute vs. a mistress? Because as I have discussed in another thread. . .who has time for an affair? I have figured that with an affair, I would have to serve her needs, call her often, listen to her, care about her. . .and if it’s sex that I only wanted, well, why not just pay $300 and get it over with?

After all, my wife gets all the fun/material things (my needs are very short on that front. . .just like to work), along with the kids getting the best of everything, college, toys, a nice home. . .am I not entitled to some fun? (this is the thinking)

Personally, my libido says if I had a lot of idle time, I would prefer an affair. I want to be able to enjoy the mutual pleasure. But there’s practical problems as I mentioned.

Again, I am not saying any of this male thinking is right. . .just what goes through our heads.

You asked why and I am giving you one possible answer.

Now. . .what causes your husband to cross the line, while I remain on the right side of the line. . .I don’t know.

Again, I hope it all works out for you.

PS: I would get checked/screened for disease and follow all precautions but I wouldn’t worry too much and obsess over it. From what I hear, prostitutes are “pros” and they know what they are doing for the most part. But still, follow all precautions.

 

[Island_Oak]

He can use a condom, he’s not bound by church law, but he doesn’t seem interested. I’m not going to initiate sex outside my infertile time, knowing that he’ll use a condom…

You are out of your mind if you are still having any physical contact with this man–with or without a condom–until he has been tested for the range of sexually transmitted diseases he could have contracted from the prostitues with whom he has consorted. It matters not whether he had intercourse–insist he get tested before he touches you again. I’m not sure why you’re still under the same roof, but I sure wouldn’t be in the same bed!

I’m very sorry you are in this position, but he has left you little choice.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

You are out of your mind if you are still having any physical contact with this man–with or without a condom–until he has been tested for the range of sexually transmitted diseases he could have contracted from the prostitues with whom he has consorted. It matters not whether he had intercourse–insist he get tested before he touches you again. I’m not sure why you’re still under the same roof, but I sure wouldn’t be in the same bed!

I’m very sorry you are in this position, but he has left you little choice.

No, we’ve not had sex since I’ve found any of the info I posted in the OP. We’re not going to either. Which means I need to get my act together and get him out of here. I slept on the couch last night after I was able to search his truck. We’re still under the same roof I guess only because I’ve not sent him on his way yet. The confrontation is going to be very difficult. I am scared about the money too. It’s very easy to get mad, but not so easy to deal with the fallout after getting mad.

 

[GraceDK]

Scanner.

I find your post highly disturbing. Are you a personal believer in Jesus Christ?

You say you don’t know what keeps you on the right line of the fence… That’s scary … You’d better find out soon or you might end up causing your self and someone else a lot of harm.

I could find a bunch of reasons:

• self respect
• love of your wife and children
• respect for your wife and the vows you have made
• the understanding of sin and your behaviour both being destructive to your soul and to the soul of the prostitute.
• knowing you’d have to live with your self afterwards
• knowing that every woman in the world who has self respect would look at your act and you as repulsive and degrading.
• the thought that you would not want to see your own daughter sell her body for money
• the thought of your wife deceiving you with a male hooker
• risking getting aids, clamydia, hpv, herpes, etc. and risking to pass it on to your wife…

ETC.

Repent even for being tempted and for having such a low and superficial thinking. Strive to attain the mind that is in Jesus.
Maybe if you become more like Him your wife will begin to desire you more as a man and as a person with a healthy sexuality.
Do you think anyone will respect you if you dont respect your self and the people closest to you?

The mouth overflows with the things from the heart… from there comes deceit, fornication, hatred, adultery and every foul thought. Ask the Lord to give you a heart that is clean.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

I’m going to miss him too. I sure wish it didn’t have to be this way. We used to have fun together and I felt connected to him. We’ve been together for a long time, since our early twenties. I already miss him. And I hate separating father from son even with the addictions. He wants to be a good dad, and really does try as best he can. I know I have no choice. I know I have to do it. I guess I asked the question of why to help me prepare for the confrontation. I have received a lot of good help and advice here.

Please don’t anyone be mad. People do stupid things. It’s very difficult to live without knowing God’s love. I lived that way for a very long time.

 

[Naztakuan]

Scanner.

I find your post highly disturbing. Are you a personal believer in Jesus Christ?

You say you don’t know what keeps you on the right line of the fence… That’s scary … You’d better find out soon or you might end up causing your self and someone else a lot of harm.

I could find a bunch of reasons:

• self respect
• love of your wife and children
• respect for your wife and the vows you have made
• the understanding of sin and your behaviour both being destructive to your soul and to the soul of the prostitute.
• knowing you’d have to live with your self afterwards
• knowing that every woman in the world who has self respect would look at your act and you as repulsive and degrading.
• the thought that you would not want to see your own daughter sell her body for money
• the thought of your wife deceiving you with a male hooker
• risking getting aids, clamydia, hpv, herpes, etc. and risking to pass it on to your wife…

ETC.

Repent even for being tempted and for having such a low and superficial thinking. Strive to attain the mind that is in Jesus.
Maybe if you become more like Him your wife will begin to desire you more as a man and as a person with a healthy sexuality.
Do you think anyone will respect you if you dont respect your self and the people closest to you?

The mouth overflows with the things from the heart… from there comes deceit, fornication, hatred, adultery and every foul thought. Ask the Lord to give you a heart that is clean.

Temptation isn’t a sin. that’s why it’s called temptation. And secondly. I don’t think it’s right to pass judgement on Scanner since he has NOT done anything wrong and from what I gather intends not to pursue that avenue of activity. I’m sure he’s well aware of the consequences.So hush.HUSSHHHZZZFQJKLFWT!

 

[ks60]

**I told him I didn’t think he could convert, because it’s very difficult to be a good Catholic (maybe that was a stupid thing to say?). **

After reading some of the other things he said to you about your conversion, I think that this statement may have set him up to fail if he did convert.

He does have some problems that stem from two parents who were not good examples. He is the only one who can fix those, and he doesn’t want to, yet.

I think that you are within your rights to ask him to leave, but do this after you see an attorney and apply for support. Maybe you can go to Domestic Relations in your courthouse and file for support without an attorney, but you want to use one eventually to get what is fair for you.

Putting him out may cause him to evaluate his behavior and change it to keep you and your son.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**You can ask him to leave, you can tell him to leave, you can demand that he leave. But you can’t make him do it. You need to have a back up plan if he refuses to leave. Make arrangements with family or friends so that you have somewhere to go immediately (to show him you are not bluffing) if he refuses to leave.

Also, I know you said that you shouldn’t have to leave since you haven’t done anything wrong. That’s true but pray about it…leaving could be what you are supposed to do. Don’t let pride get in the way of doing what needs to be done.

I don’t know much about addictions, but it really seems that the addict has to hit rock bottom before they make any changes. I would say that losing you and the son he adores so much would be his rock bottom. Anything less and he will keep his head in the sand.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. And I am sorry that your son especially has to go through this too. I pray that your husband will take responsibility and get help before it is too late. With God all things are possible. Pray for the strength to do what is right. **

 

[HashemEchad]

I’m fairly certain my husband has been with a prostitute or two by now. I’m trying to get him into counseling, but not sure how much good it will do since he seems unwilling to be truthful. It’s a terrible situation.

I wondering though, why has he done this? At the same time, he’s being “better” towards me, gave me a passionate kiss before bed tonight, which he doesn’t usually do, and I’m fairly certain now (after finding some evidence) he saw a prostitute on Sunday.

I know no one but my husband can tell me exactly why he went to see a prostitute, but I wonder if anyone has any opinion on the subject, or even any resources to help me both cope with this and confront him effectively. I have to confront him, I just don’t know how, or when. I’d like to have a bag packed for him tomorrow when he comes home and show him the evidence I’ve found. I just don’t want to share a home with him while he’s behaving this way. I’d sure like to know why he’s done this. There must be a root cause.

Before my children arrived, I worked as a marriage counselor/therapist. I can tell you some of what I know from that experience.

What most women don’t understand is that men do not view sex the same way women do. Men are capable of having a strictly physical experience without emotion being involved. Women, for the most part, are unable to do this.

Men go to prostitutes for all sorts of reasons: loneliness, lack of sex from their partners, the thrill to see if they’ll get caught (a minority of men)…also, men have told me that they have sought the services of prostitutes because they are one class of women that do not make any demands…they ask them to leave when they are done, and they do.

Not sure what else to tell you.

 

[Scanner]

Scanner.

I find your post highly disturbing.

I truly apologize if I disturbed you. That’s not my intention but to just try to answer the question honestly as only one male. Perhaps other males don’t even harbor these thoughts and only think clean, good thoughts about sex and women.

You say you don’t know what keeps you on the right line of the fence… That’s scary … You’d better find out soon or you might end up causing your self and someone else a lot of harm.

If you are referring to harm in the way that I would actually visit a prostitute, don’t worry. . .if on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being, “I’m calling a prostitute now”, I’m probably at a 2 or 3. . .it just isn’t going to happen for many of the reason you outlined.

(you see… . .I said I didn’t know why but you stated well why some of the reasons I don’t stray are. . .thank you)

As far as being tempted/entertaining the idea being a sin, I don’t know. I know Jesus was a man and he was tempted with sins of the flesh by Satan. He resisted. I am no Jesus (man or God). If you want me to repent for lustful thoughts, I think that’s fair.

I always like to disclose I am the World’s Worst Catholic so people know when I am posting that I am the furthest thing from an apologist as you can get.

Maybe I’ll put it on my signature so I don’t have to keep disclosing it.

I also think it’s important for many Catholics to feel “holier than thou” and I don’t mind being charitable with that so you can have that.

You are holier than me and I don’t mean anything snide by that.

The mouth overflows with the things from the heart…

Yeah, tell that to the director of the Passion of the Christ.

 

[Spirithound]

My prayers are with you.

 

[GraceDK]

Temptation isn’t a sin. that’s why it’s called temptation. And secondly. I don’t think it’s right to pass judgement on Scanner since he has NOT done anything wrong and from what I gather intends not to pursue that avenue of activity. I’m sure he’s well aware of the consequences.So hush.HUSSHHHZZZFQJKLFWT!

You are right. Temptation is not always a sin. (it depends on whether we indulge in the thoughts we have and make out plans to see if we could get away with it if we put them into practice).
But for a Christian man to say he does not know why he does not visit prostitutes is highly disturbing. Now, as a response to my post, Scanner has said that he indeed knows why he doesnt’…so peace with that.

I do not feel I pass jugdement on Scanner… and I know very well I am not in a position to. But I did spontaneously write that post and I stand by it 1) because I dont think its normal for healthy, christian men to be tempted to visit prostitutes 2) I would be extremely devastated if my husband was even tempted to do such a thing.

So I stand by what I said.
In these fora people again and again speak about high ideals of moral life in the sexual area, they have high expectations for themselves and their fellow-catholics …especially when it comes to masturbation and ABC… we talk alot about not making people into objects but keeping a pure heart and being chaste …

This is the thing: we all know that Jesus does not only look at our deeds. If our hearts are not converted we will never win over the flesh. To call for conversion of a heart that is tempted by lust is no different that calling for conversion from people who openly struggle with sins.
Jesus many times called the pharisees open graves… He saw their thinking and was very sad.

 

[Scanner]

But I did spontaneously write that post and I stand by it 1) because I dont think its normal for healthy, christian men to be tempted to visit prostitutes 2) I would be extremely devastated if my husband was even tempted to do such a thing.

Grace,

You know what? We started out a bit adversarial but I think we are coming close to agreement.

Let me respond to 1.

I agree. . .I don’t think it’s healthy to be tempted to visit prostitutes if you are in a healthy marriage unless say it’s in passing. For instance, let’s say your husband attends a business convention and a prostitute propositions him. There may be a moment of temptation, which quickly passes and he says, “No thanks. . .I am happily married.”

Much different that, “I’m frustrated physically. I’m going to call a prostitute.” Right?

Which leads me to 2.

Of course you would be devastated but here’s the rub. With men, it could just be a moment of indiscretion. Like the example I give above. . .he’s not thinking. . .he’s with buddies. . .he says, “Ah what the heck?” and does it.

It may not even be about you, the marriage, or anything else. It’s a total selfish act.

The only analogy I can think of is if you are on a diet and you know you shouldn’t go into Wawa for one of those delicious chocolate shakes but you do anyway.

It can be a totally testeronely driven reason or perhaps a dysfunction lies deeper.

Anyway, I think we are closer on agreement than maybe we both think.

I am only trying to explain the thinking, definitely not trying to excuse it.

Kind of a timely thread, with Governor Spitzer and all. All the pundits lamblasted him except for Dr. Laura, who tried to explain there could be marital problems to explain it, not excuse it.

 

[onaquest]

I am speaking from experience from the other side–Men go to prostitutes because they are usually younger and very eager to please in areas that men may not feel comfortable with their wives. Relationships take on roles that are a challenge to break down. Unless true intimacy is the goal in your sex life a man or woman feels validated in searching out venues where a false sense of intimacy is created. This is the dark art of the prostitute. Where your husband may dread going to a party filled with new people he’s never met. A man can gain familiarity with a woman trained to put him at ease by having no other expectation of him other than cold hard cash. He can put his needs first without regard for the prostitute. Now don’t assume that means he just lays back and enjoys himself. Most men are eager to please the woman they are with and are looking for a sexual partner that is willing to go through the rigamarole of mutual gratification. It is hard to guess and a limited forum to guess all of the combinations that a man is looking for in a relationship with a prostitute. Suffice it to say the cash is what makes it a harmonious deal for the both of them. He can objectify her and she can pay the rent.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

Kind of a timely thread, with Governor Spitzer and all. All the pundits lamblasted him except for Dr. Laura, who tried to explain there could be marital problems to explain it, not excuse it.

I take exception to the idea that marital problems could possibly explain why a married man sees prostitutes. Prostitution is flat out disordered, regardless of a man’s supposed ability to separate sex from emotion. Honestly, that’s garbage. Sex is emotional, just some sex doesn’t carry the emotion over into an actual relationship. It’s the relationship that can have little emotion involved, not the sex. No one can tell me there are no emotions involved with the chase of sex, the getting it, the orgasm, or the aftermath of such an experience. It’s emotional, and it’s meant to be. How sex makes us feel both physically and mentally is why we pursue it.

I guess after reading some of these responses here, the answer to my question is, that a man who would see a prostitute would do so either married or not. There are those who would and those who would not. I doubt seriously that marital problems would push a man to make a decision in this regard that he weren’t already predisposed to make. So, basically in my personal case, I just didn’t marry well, so to speak… I knew that much. But I’m not going to take responsibility for his stupid behavior or lack of self mastery and control. That’s not my fault, that’s who he is, that’s who he was molded to be from a small child. It’s my fault for letting myself get as involved as I did for as long as I have been, but that’s as far as my culpability as his wife would go. I made myself vulnerable. Hey, that’s what we all do in a marriage, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re not supposed to get bit in the *** for it though.

There is a difference between a married man and single man going to a prostitute though, and that’s the exposure of the wife, prospective children, and the family as a whole being placed in danger. He’s supposed to be the protector of his family, not put his family in harm’s way. So it is a greater sin in my opinion, although I’m admittedly biased. In that sense, my question still stands, why would a man, even though already predisposed to making the decision to see a prostitute, would he jeopardize the health and safety of himself and his family?

I don’t expect any definitive answers here, obviously we personally need professional help. I do appreciate the dialog though, and I thank all who have participated.

 

[GraceDK]

Grace,

You know what? We started out a bit adversarial but I think we are coming close to agreement.

Let me respond to 1.

I agree. . .I don’t think it’s healthy to be tempted to visit prostitutes if you are in a healthy marriage unless say it’s in passing. For instance, let’s say your husband attends a business convention and a prostitute propositions him. There may be a moment of temptation, which quickly passes and he says, “No thanks. . .I am happily married.”

Much different that, “I’m frustrated physically. I’m going to call a prostitute.” Right?

Which leads me to 2.

Of course you would be devastated but here’s the rub. With men, it could just be a moment of indiscretion. Like the example I give above. . .he’s not thinking. . .he’s with buddies. . .he says, “Ah what the heck?” and does it.

It may not even be about you, the marriage, or anything else. It’s a total selfish act.

The only analogy I can think of is if you are on a diet and you know you shouldn’t go into Wawa for one of those delicious chocolate shakes but you do anyway.

It can be a totally testeronely driven reason or perhaps a dysfunction lies deeper.

Anyway, I think we are closer on agreement than maybe we both think.

I am only trying to explain the thinking, definitely not trying to excuse it.

Kind of a timely thread, with Governor Spitzer and all. All the pundits lamblasted him except for Dr. Laura, who tried to explain there could be marital problems to explain it, not excuse it.

Dear Scanner…
Sorry to dissappoint you but no, we are not closer to each other now than before. I of course respect that you can have an oppinion and feelings that I dont share.

My answer is still No… If a man is converted in his heart and has tried what it means to love another person, soul and body, then it does not matter whether he is not getting any at home… He would then be hungry sexually and maybe even desperate… but with a hunger directed at his wife exclusively.

While reading you words, these few sentences come up: men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I am simply repulsed that a man could find objectification and use of a woman’s body in such a deeply personal way in any way attractive - even if he does not see it like that he must know that no woman who is healthy and sound sells her body… in my country we know for a fact that about 90 percent of the prostitutes are doing what they do as slaves, yes slaves, payed by a slavetrader who uses women’s misfortune to detroy them completely… not unlike satan… So does it bother me that men go and quench their thirst with prostitutes… yes… I find it repulsive to the point of throwing up for so so many reasons, some of which are deeper than others.
I dont think I could ever look at a man with respect if I knew he visited prostitutes… such men really are loosers in my eyes.

You give excuses for going to prostitutes like

• I am physically frustrated…
  Then why not masturbate if its that terrible? It would not be as totally degrading for your self and others…
  You say:
  “Of course you would be devastated but here’s the rub. With men, it could just be a moment of indiscretion. Like the example I give above. . .he’s not thinking. . .he’s with buddies. . .he says, “Ah what the heck?” and does it.”

…He aint thinking alright… What you are describing is an animal, not a Christian man.

“It may not even be about you, the marriage, or anything else. It’s a total selfish act.”

If he was married to me I garantee you it WOULD be about me, the marriage and everything else to a very high degree… How can you even imply otherwise… No, we certainly do’nt view these things the same way.

To put things into perspective. I have a guy friend. He was sitting at a coffee shop and a very pretty young woman came over to him and said: you can have my body for 20 dollars (I am not kidding). He was a personal believer in Jesus. For a moment he thought to himself: “I have been chaste for 7 years ever since I met Christ. I sure miss being with a woman. I have little chances of ever being with a woman in my entire life ever again… there are no prospects of me getting married…” He looked into her face and said “no thanks”. Because he knew his worth and he knew her worth…
… Oh the responsibility we are called to as Christians is so far above worldly thinking and calculation…

I wonder how many excuses and temptations the nazis could come up with as to why they tortured and executed people… what about anger and frustration …?

… But when it comes to male sexuality suddenly we must all understand.

You are right… there is a dysfunction when men act like animals. There is also a dysfunction when they excuse it and compare it with easting one chocolate bar too many.

Sorry… I mind sound harsh… We give each other our thoughts here straight from the liver.

Peace.
Grace.