Why do married men go to prostitutes?

[ChooseLove]

Scanner.

I find your post highly disturbing. Are you a personal believer in Jesus Christ?

You say you don’t know what keeps you on the right line of the fence… That’s scary … You’d better find out soon or you might end up causing your self and someone else a lot of harm.

I could find a bunch of reasons:

• self respect
• love of your wife and children
• respect for your wife and the vows you have made
• the understanding of sin and your behaviour both being destructive to your soul and to the soul of the prostitute.
• knowing you’d have to live with your self afterwards
• knowing that every woman in the world who has self respect would look at your act and you as repulsive and degrading.
• the thought that you would not want to see your own daughter sell her body for money
• the thought of your wife deceiving you with a male hooker
• risking getting aids, clamydia, hpv, herpes, etc. and risking to pass it on to your wife…

ETC.

Repent even for being tempted and for having such a low and superficial thinking. Strive to attain the mind that is in Jesus.
Maybe if you become more like Him your wife will begin to desire you more as a man and as a person with a healthy sexuality.
Do you think anyone will respect you if you dont respect your self and the people closest to you?

The mouth overflows with the things from the heart… from there comes deceit, fornication, hatred, adultery and every foul thought. Ask the Lord to give you a heart that is clean.

maybe he posted things others were thinking yet could not say for fear of this type of lashing! i’m sure he hasn’t acted on the thoughts, because they are just that, THOUGHTS… last i checked, a thought is NOT a mortal sin.

 

[Gigglin4God]

I can sum it up in one phrase. Because he isnt getting what he needs at home.

 

[ChooseLove]

and for the record, going to a prostitute makes me cringe!
even if i knew my dh was thinking that, i’d cry about it.
BUT it is just a thought.
maybe Scanner you should go to confession on a regular basis, say weekly, and confess this thought. The graces you will receive will help this thought from coming back into your mind. It has worked wonders for my dh conversion, as i’m sure it would do wonders for you and your marital relations aspect. Your wife WILL notice a change in you and things WILL change in that area of your marriage

 

[Huiou_Theou]

I take exception to the idea that marital problems could possibly explain why a married man sees prostitutes. Prostitution is flat out disordered, regardless of a man’s supposed ability to separate sex from emotion. Honestly, that’s garbage. …

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I am a bit puzzled by your statement here.
A man may perhaps be more inclined to chase the sexual encouter because of physiological differences in the way his body and brain works – so whether I agree with the man’s “supposed” ability or not – I wouldn’t say that marital problems couldn’t lead to a man seeing prostitutes.

Sex is emotional, just some sex doesn’t carry the emotion over into an actual relationship. It’s the relationship that can have little emotion involved, not the sex. No one can tell me there are no emotions involved with the chase of sex, the getting it, the orgasm, or the aftermath of such an experience. It’s emotional, and it’s meant to be. How sex makes us feel both physically and mentally is why we pursue it.

I would agree here with what I think you are saying.

I guess after reading some of these responses here, the answer to my question is, that a man who would see a prostitute would do so either married or not. There are those who would and those who would not. I doubt seriously that marital problems would push a man to make a decision in this regard that he weren’t already predisposed to make.

Although probably true, to a great extent, there will be exceptions to this “rule”.
Sexuality once aroused can become potent where it once was not.
Sexual addiction is something that I have had the extreme displeasure of watching destroy people’s lives.

So, basically in my personal case, I just didn’t marry well, so to speak… I knew that much. … I made myself vulnerable. Hey, that’s what we all do in a marriage, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re not supposed to get bit in the *** for it though.

hmmmm… Not that I am condemning you, but marrying the wrong person (as did Israel with Idols) is very much the reason they got bit in the ***.

There is a difference between a married man and single man going to a prostitute though, and that’s the exposure of the wife, prospective children, and the family as a whole being placed in danger. He’s supposed to be the protector of his family, not put his family in harm’s way. So it is a greater sin in my opinion, although I’m admittedly biased. In that sense, my question still stands, why would a man, even though already predisposed to making the decision to see a prostitute, would he jeopardize the health and safety of himself and his family?

A man who sees prostitutes puts even the prostitutes in danger. He becomes a vector for diseases, etc. This fact is obvious whether or not a man is married.
So, to do so generally requires a strong attraction of some kind which clouds his judgement.

Let me outline a couple of ideas that might be of some aid here:
As a woman, you really can’t expect to have the same set of feelings as a man, so you see this from the outside (and you are justified in being angry).

I have seen exactly the “marriage problems leads to adultury cycle” many times in other marriages, so no one can tell me it doesn’t happen. On the other hand, there are usually several other circumstances which go hand in hand with the event – some of which seem conspicuously missing in what I have read so far.

There is one thing, which I assume is ruled out already, but that I want to make sure of – there is no possibility that a friend was with your husband at these times who may have had the problem and left the evidence trail you are speaking of. Eg: I have seen the rare case where an aquaintance used the telephone and computer of a friend which led their wife to believe they were cheating, even though they weren’t – they just allowed the wrong friend to come into the house with them while preparing to go somewhere else.

Also, as a man who has gone through hell with his own wife, I can see how other ideas might be interfering. Not that I wish to pry – but what was your sexual affinity toward your husband (and vice versa) like immediately prior to these events – was “he” happy with it? I ask because I can imagine scenarios like the following happenening – a man sees his sexual desirability by his wife as the indicator she loves him (wrongly or rightly), and becomes disallusioned because she refuses sexuality, limits it excessively, or becomes detached because a child consumes her time and emotional effort. In an attempt to incite jealousy, and re-spark her attraction to him – he leaves clues that he finds other women attractive, and in the process begins to fall into the temptation of chaing them and slowly these temptations take over.

There is quite a bit more that I could say, but I am not totally sure of what category your husband fits into – so I would be interested in talking about men in general at this point as an aid to you.

God bless you and grant you strength.

 

[Scanner]

Grace,

You seem angry and if you want to make me the object of your anger, that’s okay.

I won’t respond to you point by point here to create an argument but rather just say that not all men go through the thought process when tempted with sex.

They aren’t thinking (and yes, they should be), “What would Jesus be doing. . .I am the protector and leader of my family. . … . .is this woman a slave?. . .what about the social implications. . .yadda, yadda.”

If they were. . .then they wouldn’t do it almost by definition.

They are thinking selfishly and superficially as I pointed out. I am trying to help the OP here as she wants to possibly know. Maybe if she knows. . .she can attack the problem from whatever angle she thinks is right… Men have a need. They want it gratfified.

Men really love women’s bodies. They are drawn to them, for better, for worse. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s pheromonal. .I don’t want to get into the biochemicosociopsychology of it. For whatever reason, God made us that way. Remember, there are two participating in the sin (unless she is a sex slave as you point out) when prostitution occurs. . .a woman is selling her body also. Someone is pimping her body too.

Last I checked. . .that’s not too copasetic either.

Again, if you don’t want to agree with me in opinion, that’s your perogative but your whole response seems based on emotion rather than trying to address the problem.

Steven Covey has written. . .“Seek to Understand and Then To Be Understood.”

You don’t seem to be trying to attempt this at all. You just want me to understand you and I am telling you that I do. I really do. Going to prostitutes is wrong and I know that.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

We went out of town together a little more than a week ago to meet his mother at a cabin on the lake. We didn’t really talk much, he does his thing and leaves me on my own a lot. …

Not having seen it actually happen in front of my face, no I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain based on the evidence I’ve found combined with a time line of events, and his general lack of honesty.

**
No, he’s not very personable or sociable. He’s a loner. I doubt he’s met up with someone and established any sort of a personable relationship like an affair.
**

Which is also strong evidence that he doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve, and that he may be feeling judged which is itself a motive for allowing you to think he’s cheating – a revenge motive. The way you expressed this especially in light of the circumstances makes me wonder how you have spoken with him in the past, and to what degree he may have internalized it.

I know, I appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut I can get, I only have one girlfriend who knows what’s been going on, she’s been a great friend to me. I’d have fallen apart by now if it weren’t for her. Other than this one person, I’ve kept this all to myself except for internet forums where anonymity gives me an opportunity to ask for unbiased advice. My parents are going to be heartbroken to hear what I’ve been going through. I doubt they like him much, but they want me to be happy, so I know it will hurt them to find out just how unhappy a marriage I have.

Once your parents become involved, you can be certain of lots of pressure in compensation for their over-permissiveness before. They will only be able to see it through your eyes, and the darker it is for you – the worse it will be for them – for they see not only your unhappiness, but in your unhappiness they will be forced to see their own failure.

 

[jman507]

Grace,

You seem angry and if you want to make me the object of your anger, that’s okay.

I won’t respond to you point by point here to create an argument but rather just say that not all men go through the thought process when tempted with sex.

They aren’t thinking (and yes, they should be), “What would Jesus be doing. . .I am the protector and leader of my family. . … . .is this woman a slave?. . .what about the social implications. . .yadda, yadda.”

If they were. . .then they wouldn’t do it almost by definition.

They are thinking selfishly and superficially as I pointed out. I am trying to help the OP here as she wants to possibly know. Maybe if she knows. . .she can attack the problem from whatever angle she thinks is right… Men have a need. They want it gratfified.

Men really love women’s bodies. They are drawn to them, for better, for worse. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s pheromonal. .I don’t want to get into the biochemicosociopsychology of it. For whatever reason, God made us that way. Remember, there are two participating in the sin (unless she is a sex slave as you point out) when prostitution occurs. . .a woman is selling her body also. Someone is pimping her body too.

Last I checked. . .that’s not too copasetic either.

Again, if you don’t want to agree with me in opinion, that’s your perogative but your whole response seems based on emotion rather than trying to address the problem.

Steven Covey has written. . .“Seek to Understand and Then To Be Understood.”

You don’t seem to be trying to attempt this at all. You just want me to understand you and I am telling you that I do. I really do. Going to prostitutes is wrong and I know that.

I’m going to have to agree with you more or less Scanner. That’s not to say it right, as has been said it’s disordered. The same thing that compels a man to chase the woman he will be married, is the same thing that is going to compel him to go after a prostitute. One is disordered, the other is fully in order. One is going to leave one in the end dissatisfied, and the other will end the end leave him satisfied.

I think you said you could place yourself on a scale of 1-10 and 10 is you going to a prostitute, I think any normal man will tend to be lower on that scale, but I doubt a 1. The temptation is there, normal guys are attracted to women. Any good, normal guy may have that temptation, but there are a multitude of reasons not to throw away the good thing they have going. I myself would love to shirk off my responsibility to go to work, and I am sure many have that temptation too. On the other hand on a scale of 1-10, I would probably be on a 1-2 with regards to giving into the idea. That would include not only the lose of money, but I also rather enjoy doing what I do.

Most guys have plenty of concupiscence when it comes to this area. There is something wrong though for a guy to give into it.

To the OP, I’m sorry. He and he alone committed the sin. With regard to what you may have done, to know for sure I don’t know. I am sure there are a lot of issues that go further deep than those sexual in nature. In order to move on together, you both will need to piece together the problems on both of your parts. To feel bad over what you may have done, is probably natural, but isn’t very effective. So don’t deny it, but you will have to put those on hold when you take steps to move on. But what can a person do about problems of which he or she is unaware? You both will need to take steps to communicate more, and try to trust each other with those thoughts and emotions. Counseling is good. Even if its just you, prayer can always be a big help, both for the grace and for a deeper understanding.

 

[justin_sd]

This thread makes me sad on two levels. Of course, I feel heartbroken for the original poster and the tragedy she’s going through.

I also feel mortified and saddened by the judgment that’s been heaped on Scanner for what I thought was a very honest and conscientious post.

Yes, I am a guy, and I have to say, ladies - if you don’t want men to open up and be honest about what goes on in their heads, punishing and judging them when they do is the perfect way to keep your head in the sand - and the perfect way to encourage them to be dishonest about what it means to be male. It’s pretty tough to open up about what we’re REALLY like inside our heads - because a lot of it ain’t pretty.

Guys ARE very different - and it’s just possible that a very honorable married man goes through temptation the likes of which, well, you just wouldn’t believe. And don’t tell me that “women are tempted by good-looking men too.” If you honestly think it’s the same, all I can say is - you really DON’T know what it’s like to be a man.

I happen to be very happily married - with a terrific sex life. If I was coming from a frustrated-for-years place like it seems Scanner is - I hope I would have the fortitude to resist temptation - I hope I would spend a lot of time looking at the crucifix and asking God to help me resist temptation - but I can’t say because it’s just too easy to pronounce judgement when I’m not going through that kind of pain (and no, I’m not saying that those who HAVE passed judgment have no problems in their life or temptations).

And DeusCaritasEst, you said at one point that you doubted that a man goes to a prostitute because of marital problems - only because of something disordered in the man - I don’t believe that is the case, but PLEASE HEAR - just because there are marital problems doesn’t mean it’s necessarily your fault. All marriages have problems. All men have temptations. Of course your husband shouldn’t have acted on his. Even more, it seems to me that his seeking it out was not just giving into temptation - but a hostile act. The way in which he behaved - he was pretty much expecting (maybe even hoping) for you to find out.

Anyway, a man going to a prostitute doesn’t necessarily mean he’s unable to have a healthy relationship - it doesn’t mean he’s beyond hope. Like other posters have said, it could have just been the easiest way to get release - the least repercussions, etc. Of course doing so was gravely wrong and horribly hurtful. And like I just said, doing so in the way he did seems like someone who either wants you to find out - or doesn’t care if you do, which shows a great deal of hostility. But needless to say, I am NOT a therapist - so take it with more than a few grains of salt.

But I am a guy, and ladies - please give us a little grace. Some of us are trying to help! DeusCaritasEst, my prayers are with you and your husband.

 

[GraceDK]

Grace,

You seem angry and if you want to make me the object of your anger, that’s okay.

I won’t respond to you point by point here to create an argument but rather just say that not all men go through the thought process when tempted with sex.

They aren’t thinking (and yes, they should be), “What would Jesus be doing. . .I am the protector and leader of my family. . … . .is this woman a slave?. . .what about the social implications. . .yadda, yadda.”

If they were. . .then they wouldn’t do it almost by definition.

They are thinking selfishly and superficially as I pointed out. I am trying to help the OP here as she wants to possibly know. Maybe if she knows. . .she can attack the problem from whatever angle she thinks is right… Men have a need. They want it gratfified.

Men really love women’s bodies. They are drawn to them, for better, for worse. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s pheromonal. .I don’t want to get into the biochemicosociopsychology of it. For whatever reason, God made us that way. Remember, there are two participating in the sin (unless she is a sex slave as you point out) when prostitution occurs. . .a woman is selling her body also. Someone is pimping her body too.

Last I checked. . .that’s not too copasetic either.

Again, if you don’t want to agree with me in opinion, that’s your perogative but your whole response seems based on emotion rather than trying to address the problem.

Steven Covey has written. . .“Seek to Understand and Then To Be Understood.”

You don’t seem to be trying to attempt this at all. You just want me to understand you and I am telling you that I do. I really do. Going to prostitutes is wrong and I know that.

Dear Scanner.
You are right.
I hereby pull back my posts on this thread… the whole issue ticks me off and I address it with no objectivity or understanding. The widespread objectification of women, men and children and their sexuality and person that is so destructive is one that has made me generelly much disillusioned with humans and with men in particular…
So I should zip the lip and stay out of certain threads or I will end up having a heart attack.
Good day to you all.
Ps… We can all be happy I am not the OP. She has a strength and patience I do not have.

 

[Katie1723]

I’m fairly certain my husband has been with a prostitute or two by now. … At the same time, he’s being “better” towards me, gave me a passionate kiss before bed tonight, which he doesn’t usually do, and I’m fairly certain now (after finding some evidence) he saw a prostitute on Sunday…

Please don’t tell me this is ok with you. Why on earth would you let him touch you let alone kiss you knowing he had been with someone else?
You are worth far more that that!

Kathy

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

Please don’t tell me this is ok with you. Why on earth would you let him touch you let alone kiss you knowing he had been with someone else?
You are worth far more that that!

Kathy

Uuuummm… No this is not OK with me. Why I would let him touch me and kiss me even with the knowledge I have is because I still love him, and I always will. If I turned off the hugs and kisses, how on earth is that going to save my marriage? No, I’m not having sex with him, and I’ve been sleeping on the couch the past three nights. But even sleeping on the couch doesn’t feel right, because he knows it means something is keeping me from sleeping with him. I sincerely believe my husband is sick. He’s obviously got problems, problems that I’ve known about for years, but which have been getting worse and worse culminating into present day difficulties I’m now talking about here. Don’t you think I want to cuss him out and destroy property and make him know how much pain he has caused me? Do you think it would be wise for me to give in to those wants? It would sure make me feel better. Do you think I’m not agonizing over this? Do you think that I know what the right thing to do is? Well, I don’t. I know for certain that not giving your husband a kiss and a hug when he wants and needs it doesn’t help a single thing. How I’m able to do that is because I pity him. I’m talking about the same kind of hug and kiss you’d give your parents, not a warm embrace that’s sexual in nature. I’m talking about loving someone in their sin. My ability to do this makes me more valuable, not less. If I were to give in to the wants of the hurt little girl inside, boy would I be mean, mean! I’m an adult though, and I’ve got big fat adult problems that don’t get worked out by giving in to the hurt little girl inside. No doubt that hurt little girl has caused problems in the past to worsen! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I have to initiate this healing process, but I have absolutely no control over his ability to heal. I’m the one who has to stick the needle in, but I don’t know what medicine needs to be in that needle. The potential for disaster occurring due to my handling of this situation is huge. That’s a lot of pressure! When I spoke to my therapist only last week, I didn’t have any solid evidence like I found three days ago. He asked me if I thought my husband had been to a prostitute yet, and at the time I really didn’t think he had. Well, I now have pretty compelling evidence to the contrary, and I’m trying to work out how to confront this in such a way that I don’t make it all worse. I’m scared, confused, sad, overwhelmed, defeated, hurt, betrayed and humiliated. I’m no where near OK.

 

[Scanner]

Thanks for letting me open up and being graceful.

Again, there are a multitude of reasons. . .sexual frustration/differences in libido could only be one. There are plenty of men, satisified at home who just do it for a thrill and “male bonding” with his buddies while in Vegas. There’s just no way you can blame the wife in any capacity (as if you should ever anyway).

That’s why I am one of the very, very few Bill Clinton and Gov. Spitzer defenders (except on money laundering). Knowing with what I have lived with, I am less likely to judge. You don’t know if there is a sexual dysfunction in their marriages and frankly, that’s between them and God, not the American public.

They deserve privacy on their love lifes and marriages.

When I said, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being “I’m calling a hooker right now”, I was a 2 or 3. . .that’s meant as kind of an average.

Right now. . .the last 9 months or more, I have been a 1.

There was one time where I was a 7 or 8. I had been particularly frustrated for months without sex or affection, I was plain mad, felt unloved, I went online, found a site, and sent an email.

Never got a reply and I am sure I would have chickened out actually scheduling. That’s just the kind of guy I am - too scared for the reasons Grace mentioned above.

So. . .it was “fear” that policed me and probably a small sense of moral righteousness.

So. . .most of the time, the thought is kept in the back of my mind. . .when circumstances are right. . .the temptation can quell up.

Truthfully, I am probably more susceptible (I am not looking, so don’t overanalyze!) to an affiar vs.a prostitute, if a woman was an initiator. Probably a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 of susceptibility.

I am not making trying to make the forum my “Father Confessor” here. . .I am really hoping to actually spare a lot of psychobabble and let you guys analyze it from a spiritual and at the same time, a practical standpoint.

The converse flip question to this discussion (since you have all been in my head. . .why not yours) may be:

“Why does going to a prostitute for sexual release upset women so much?” (apart from the obvious. . .disease vectoring, committing grave sin when your faith is very important to you all)

Really, if it’s just “meaningless sex”, and if it’s “meaningful” with you, what’s really bugging you? I have heard from some wives that “oh, it’s just a bj, not big deal” and are actually permissive about their husband’s getting a release at a “massage parlor.”

They don’t have to do “the chore” and it must be worth the money to them.

Again. . .like one poster noted. . .don’t want to know. . .don’t ask. . .open up our heads and it’s not pretty in there. I bet it’s not pretty in the woman’s head either, with many women regarding it as a marital duty and chore.

I really hope on some level this has been helpful for the OP.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

We’ve been sweethearts for 15 years, lived together for 10 years, and have been married for 4 years. I found him looking at porn about six months after we started living together.

From an older thread, I notice:

…

I don’t know what to do. I’d like to leave and go stay with my parent’s for a while, but if I do, he could file abandonment charges against me. I don’t want a divorce, I want to get counseling and save our marriage. He acts like everything is fine between us, won’t talk about our problems, but in secret he plans on seeing an attorney. He says the marriage counselor is too expensive, but the attorney is probably just as expensive, probably more expensive.

We’ve been together for 14 years. We lived together for 6 years, then married civilly 4 years ago, and had a convalidation in the church in 2006. I came back to the faith 3 years ago, after we decided to be open to children. He hates the fact that I practice catholicism. We desperately need counseling. I can’t force him though. I don’t know what I can do.

…

Abandoment charges can be filed falsely, of course, but if you have a cell phone and answer it – or make sure he knows where you have gone, then this isn’t really a threat. People leave for business trips, and to visit relatives all the time – that isn’t a serious part of the issue – because judges are quite aware of how couples going through divorce — bend the truth.

Quite a bit of what I am seeing in both threads relates to fear of the unknown.
That is a strong reason for your depression issues, because you are trapped.

I am also seeing minor differences in the postings, and I know how memory gets cloudy when fear butts in – but could you explain the number of years you two have been together a little better?

Also, on the divorce side of things – I expect your husband is afraid as well, and that is a major reason for the reaction against counselling.

 

[jwashu]

After reading this, I think I have a handle on what is causing his problems. Let’s take a look… The two of you meet and do a lot of the same things together. You are not “religious” and don’t see a problem with many types of behaviors that the Church would not approve of, so you indulge. Neither of you see anything wrong with that, you’re not hurting anyone, so who cares? You have a great time.

Then your circumstances start to change. You have a child, which puts a strain on any relationship. You become Catholic, which he can’t understand, doesn’t want anything to do with, doesn’t want to change his lifestyle, etc… He feels abandoned. You’re not the woman he married. His best smoking buddy is gone. The baby takes more of your time away from him. Everything he knows about life and what has made him happy for the past 10+ years is gone.

He is turning to what he knows to make him feel better. It’s a very problematic situation when one spouse turns to the faith but the other does not. Hard is an understatement to describe trying to be faithful to a non-believing spouse and the Church at the same time.

Ultimately he needs to turn to God for everything to be better. I don’t know what advice to give you on your current situation. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I will definitely pray that God will give you the strength and prescence of mind to do what He would have you do. You are called to be faithful to God and his commands first and foremost. I know that many would say that since he has broken your marital vows you are free to file for divorce, but I don’t believe that is what God would want you to do. And it would just further his belief that you are the one leaving him. That’s probably why it doesn’t bother him to be with a prostitute, because in his eyes you’re the one being unfaithful to him.

I would pray unceasingly for guidance. Definitely talk to your priest and see if there is any type of assistance that they could give you. I agree with you that you shouldn’t have to be the one to leave, but it may be the better option depending on his reaction to your knowing what he’s done. Depleting your savings would be more detrimental than taking outside help I think… ((hugs))

I didn’t read the other 4 pages of this but from the first page I have to say I agree with this assessment.

Don’t get me wrong, he has brought any ramifications upon himself by choosing to go to a Prostitute and he must deal with the consequences.

However I also agree he feels abandoned… you are not the person he married… you have changed your life for the better with God’s help. He now needs that too…

I would talk with my Priest and put the ultimatum down that to stay you guys have to go to counseling. The weed will have to stop too. We have freaky laws in many states, you now have a child and you are both responsible for that life. The weed could cause you too loose your house and everything if he got busted… it’s just not worth it.

It’s not going to be an easy change for him but he can do with with God’s help.

Pray and asks your family and friends to pray, as well as St. Joseph and the Blessed Mother that God open his heart.

Remember that no matter how difficult, the Church teaches that we are somewhat responsible for the salvation of our other half in Christian marraige. He isn’t a Christian yet… but perhaps brining him to salvation is the cross God is asking you to carry? Perhaps not though right?

I believe you should try, but there is only so much you can do as well. Follow the guidence of your priest and what God puts on your heart and may God bless you, your child and your marraige.

Sincerely,
Joe

 

[Milliardo]

Why do men go to such things? For one, dissatisfaction over something or other. Usually there’s a problem in one’s marriage, so one has to look for an outlet. Having a woman who gives you something and doesn’t quarrel with you is something of a fantasy for men, and a bonus too if she is young. Dissatisfaction can come from a lot of factors, but many of them would stem from the bedroom. So a man who is adventurous, who wants to try something new, will go out and get that with someone else. Another reason, again stemming from dissatisfaction, is when a couple fight or quarrel, or simply don’t communicate as effectively. Usually paid women are trained, so to speak, to please their customers, and that would also mean giving them an experience like that of having a girlfriend. A man might fall in love for a paid woman, but then he should realize that for that woman, there’s really nothing going on and that for her it’s just another job. He should get off his fantasy then, and try to repair his marriage. Going to such things is just temporary, and might not even be a remedy.

 

[Katie1723]

I guess I am old fashioned. When someone “cheats” he/she made a conscious decision to do something they know is dead wrong. And NO excuse would matter. Sorry. I just don’t buy any of them. Period.

Kathy

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

I am also seeing minor differences in the postings, and I know how memory gets cloudy when fear butts in – but could you explain the number of years you two have been together a little better?

It was Spring 1994 when we met and started dating. We dated a year, and then managed a long distance relationship across two states for another couple of years. We moved in together in Winter 1997. We married civilly in 2004, had the baby in Spring 2006 and convalidated our marriage in the church in the Fall of that same year. It’s 14 years this month since we met, 11 years that we have lived together, 4 of those years we’ve been married.

However I also agree he feels abandoned… you are not the person he married… you have changed your life for the better with God’s help. He now needs that too…

I would talk with my Priest and put the ultimatum down that to stay you guys have to go to counseling. The weed will have to stop too. We have freaky laws in many states, you now have a child and you are both responsible for that life. The weed could cause you too loose your house and everything if he got busted… it’s just not worth it.

It’s not going to be an easy change for him but he can do with with God’s help.

Pray and asks your family and friends to pray, as well as St. Joseph and the Blessed Mother that God open his heart.

I am beginning to understand that he’s feeling abandoned, but you know what? He’s not all that accessible. He leaves me alone a lot. He doesn’t like to do anything that’s not outdoors, and I don’t keep up with him physically very well. He had practically zero percent body fat when we met, and I have always struggled with weight and what’s called exertion headaches and heat exhaustion. I have to be very slow and careful not to raise my pulse too high too quickly, or I get pounding headaches. And for years, I’d push through the pain just so we could spend time together. I sure shouldn’t have been smoking, I’m sure that contributed a great deal to the headaches. But anyway, we almost always did things that he likes to do. My choices were simply not his style. No movies, no museums, no music shows, no theaters. We saw a movie last year. That was the first movie we had been to together since 1999. Not that I love the movies so much, but in nine years there were at least a couple of different shows I would have liked to have seen in the theater. Problem is, you can’t smoke dope and drink beer in the movies and other venues I’d like to see. I got him to go to a movie with me last year cuz it was one of those places where they serve dinner and drinks during the movie. And I knew he didn’t want to go, and he wanted to get out as soon as he could, but he did enjoy the food and the movie was funny. He’s just not not not comfortable going out into public. He wants to be in isolated and remote places, and does not want to deal with people outside his own comfort zone. I used to follow him to those places a lot, but with a baby in tow, that totally changed.

Why do men go to such things? For one, dissatisfaction over something or other. Usually there’s a problem in one’s marriage, so one has to look for an outlet. Having a woman who gives you something and doesn’t quarrel with you is something of a fantasy for men, and a bonus too if she is young. Dissatisfaction can come from a lot of factors, but many of them would stem from the bedroom. So a man who is adventurous, who wants to try something new, will go out and get that with someone else. Another reason, again stemming from dissatisfaction, is when a couple fight or quarrel, or simply don’t communicate as effectively. Usually paid women are trained, so to speak, to please their customers, and that would also mean giving them an experience like that of having a girlfriend. A man might fall in love for a paid woman, but then he should realize that for that woman, there’s really nothing going on and that for her it’s just another job. He should get off his fantasy then, and try to repair his marriage. Going to such things is just temporary, and might not even be a remedy.

But in my case, immediately when I found out that he was looking at porn, many years ago, I went out and bought The Joy of Sex, and other books. I’m totally open to trying new things, he’s never shocked me, and he’s never had a request refused. I’ve even been into the adult bookstore with him to pick out a movie, but when he showed me his choice, and it wasn’t for me, and I made a comment on how the girls in it had to be underage, he became ashamed. We eventually didn’t rent anything because he did not want to place a deposit down to take the movie out of the store, and he wasn’t (thankfully) going to ask me to go back to one of their viewing rooms.

Our timing is way off for having relations though, and often he masturbates before he gives me a chance. And he doesn’t come to me if he wants it, he takes care of his release himself. Honestly I think he thinks sex is shameful, and that’s why he’s pursuing prostitutes, they fit the shameful description. I don’t think sex is shameful at all. It’s private, that’s for sure, and it’s not meant to be taped and watched by others, but that doesn’t make it shameful, that makes it intimate.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

The converse flip question to this discussion (since you have all been in my head. . .why not yours) may be:

“Why does going to a prostitute for sexual release upset women so much?” (apart from the obvious. . .disease vectoring, committing grave sin when your faith is very important to you all)

Really, if it’s just “meaningless sex”, and if it’s “meaningful” with you, what’s really bugging you? I have heard from some wives that “oh, it’s just a bj, not big deal” and are actually permissive about their husband’s getting a release at a “massage parlor.”

They don’t have to do “the chore” and it must be worth the money to them.

Again. . .like one poster noted. . .don’t want to know. . .don’t ask. . .open up our heads and it’s not pretty in there. I bet it’s not pretty in the woman’s head either, with many women regarding it as a marital duty and chore.
.

Chore!?! My husband has made that remark before too. I don’t get it. Warm me up right, and it ain’t no chore. If you want a 3 minute quickie when I’m half asleep in the AM because you have a sunrise salute, and I ain’t gonna get nuthin more than a “thank you sweetheart” out if it… now that’s a chore. It’s a chore for a fella to go through the necessary, absolutely 100% necessary foreplay that most women must have to achieve orgasm. Not fair to blame the gal for the idea that sex is a chore, when honestly the burden of work is naturally laid directly on you guy’s shoulders. It ain’t no chore for a woman to give a man what he wants, it doesn’t take much effort at all. But for men to give a woman what she needs in order for her to have what she wants, there’s a chore for you. Sorry to say it, but I’ve heard too many women complain that the guy’s are always looking to place blame elsewhere. I’m tired of it. I like sex. I don’t get it enough. I should be beating him off with a stick if he’s so sex starved. Where’s all this sex that he supposedly needs? He’s not telling me about it. All he seems to want from me is his dinner.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

I would talk with my Priest and put the ultimatum down that to stay you guys have to go to counseling.

I met with him today. It’s tough advice he gave me if you ask me. I’m to sleep on the couch and wait for another opportunity to talk to my husband, confront him when I find evidence, not when I seek it (in other words, nothing I’ve found while spying, I’m not to address that with him). He advised me against a confrontation with the evidence I’ve found. I’m not quite sure what to make of his advice. Part of me feels like it a set up for failure, but then I have to trust that the Holy Spirit’s hand is in this advice somehow. It sure doesn’t seem psychologically healthy for me. Not sure how I’m supposed to deal with “continue on as you have been” for the next six months to a year, and just wait for an opportunity to appeal to his emotions. I don’t think my husband wants to deal with his emotions. When faced with the results of his behavior, he wants to run away from it every single time.

Pray and asks your family and friends to pray, as well as St. Joseph and the Blessed Mother that God open his heart.

Remember that no matter how difficult, the Church teaches that we are somewhat responsible for the salvation of our other half in Christian marraige. He isn’t a Christian yet… but perhaps brining him to salvation is the cross God is asking you to carry? Perhaps not though right?

I believe you should try, but there is only so much you can do as well. Follow the guidence of your priest and what God puts on your heart and may God bless you, your child and your marraige.

Sincerely,
Joe

I do pray, and the more I pray the “worse” it gets. I put that in quotes because it’s confusing. Is it worse because of prayer, or is prayer allowing for this to come out into the open so that it can be addressed? I think the latter is true, but it’s still a hard test of faith anyway. Blessed be God, blessed be His Holy Name, blessed be Jesus Christ true God and true man. Lord, I believe, please help my unbelief!

I have increased my prayer over the last three years such that I pray more for him now than I ever have. And it’s worse now than it ever has been. Or at least I feel worse anyway. I feel just downright awful. I feel sick, and I don’t sleep well on the couch and I miss my husband and I want to just be happy damn it, it doesn’t seem like it should be all that difficult.

 

[Nanny_PK]

The one thing I would strongly suggest is saving all the evidence you found and keeping it in a place away from the home – maybe a safe deposit box or something like that. I hope and pray that you can salvage your marriage; but if you cannot, you need this for your divorce lawyer to use.