Why do married men go to prostitutes?

[Huiou_Theou]

I do pray, and the more I pray the “worse” it gets. I put that in quotes because it’s confusing. Is it worse because of prayer, or is prayer allowing for this to come out into the open so that it can be addressed? I think the latter is true, but it’s still a hard test of faith anyway. Blessed be God, blessed be His Holy Name, blessed be Jesus Christ true God and true man. Lord, I believe, please help my unbelief!

Been there.

and it wasn’t for me, and I made a comment on how the girls in it had to be underage, he became ashamed.

You’ll have to excuse me – for you have to understand how this sounds. The closest man I know to your husband is one by the name of Dean Rozencrantz (sp?) and God forgive me for what I do if I ever meet him again. He is a sexual predator of sorts inducing girls to go to easy money at strip joints, a cocaine addict, and worse. His mother is just as bad. Yeah, I’ll agree your husband is quite sick if his attraction is to that kind of movie, the pot aside which is escapism.

As for the rest, you have lots of similarity to someone else I know, and I’m afraid I will be unable to continue the conversation. You seem quite bright to be in the situation you are in – I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

May God grant you what is best.

 

[Ailina]

But in my case, immediately when I found out that he was looking at porn, many years ago, I went out and bought The Joy of Sex, and other books. I’m totally open to trying new things, he’s never shocked me, and he’s never had a request refused. I’ve even been into the adult bookstore with him to pick out a movie,

I wonder how much porn has affected the way men in our society view women? I’ve noticed that some here are semi-blaming the wife for possibly not being sexually available enough, and wonder if their exposure to porn might have given them unrealistic expectations as to what a wife should be like. Is she supposed to act like a porn star/prostitute in order to meet the wants (notice I didn’t say needs) of her spouse? Considering how raunchy porn has become (anal sex, threesomes, etc.), how far is a wife supposed to go?

I know this is probably a topic for another thread, but porn seems to really change the way people think about sex, and not in a good way, from what I have witnessed. I am now divorced because my ex-spouse expected me to live in a marriage incompatible with the teachings of the Church. He is deeply affected by porn and the culture spawned by it. He is not the only one, I suspect.

 

[Magicsilence]

So. . .most of the time, the thought is kept in the back of my mind. . .when circumstances are right. . .the temptation can quell up.

Truthfully, I am probably more susceptible (I am not looking, so don’t overanalyze!) to an affiar vs.a prostitute, if a woman was an initiator. Probably a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 of susceptibility.

I am not making trying to make the forum my “Father Confessor” here. . .I am really hoping to actually spare a lot of psychobabble and let you guys analyze it from a spiritual and at the same time, a practical standpoint.

The converse flip question to this discussion (since you have all been in my head. . .why not yours) may be:

“Why does going to a prostitute for sexual release upset women so much?” (apart from the obvious. . .disease vectoring, committing grave sin when your faith is very important to you all)

Really, if it’s just “meaningless sex”, and if it’s “meaningful” with you, what’s really bugging you? I have heard from some wives that “oh, it’s just a bj, not big deal” and are actually permissive about their husband’s getting a release at a “massage parlor.”

Ugh, what’s bugging them?

The marital embrace is one of the most sacred things God gave us. It is between a husband and wife, and believe it or not, it is for procreation, and unification.

Sex is never ‘meaningless’. It normally means “I love my spouse so much that we become one in the embrace”.

With a prostitute it means “I see women as objects, and my wife isn’t giving me what I want”.

If there is any wife out there who is happy for their husband to commit adultery just for their ‘release’, then they need to go back to the hospital and get their head screwed on properly.

Can’t you see that women are more than just an object, and that marriage is not just about legalizing sex?

To me, your post invoked the image of a childish, 14 year old teenage boy that thought looking at porn was normal, and consequently had no understanding of the meaning of sex, or marriage.

I’m not even married, and I seem to ‘get it’. Women expect the man to whom they gave their life to be faithful, and rightly so!! Why can’t the rest of the male population get it? (sorry for the crude and emotional generalization)

 

[Scanner]

Magic,

You see. . .now we are talking. People think we are fighting perhaps but like Rod Tidwell said in Jerry Maguire “Jerry. . .you think we are fighting. . .I think we are talking.” I was just asking the flip question to see what’s really bothering the OP.

And I got it - she feels totally neglected. And she is right to feel that. Of course you are right. . .remember. . .let me bold this:

There is a difference between “excuse” and "explanation."

It’s easy to blur them. I am dealing in the world of “explanation”, which usually follows the word “why”, thus the title of the thread (not that my explanation is wrong or right necessarily).

You women are thinking I am attempting to garner an excuse. . .I am not.

The OP sounds definitely neglected then. She is saying she’s up for it. . .she wants it. . .she wants to connect with him in mind, body, and spirit and he doesn’t want to connect with her.

And her health sounds partially compromised too. . .complicating the situation.

So. . .this is very complicated and probalby needs some kind of professional diagnosis to get to the bottom of the dysfunction. The husband is going to have to be honest, even if it’s brutal.

Unless he starts giving “explanations” (not excuses), all of this is just speculation and idle discussion.

I only asked the forum, “What’s bugging (the women)?” because perhaps I mistakenly likened to my situation. My wife could care less about sex. . .she has told me. . .so if I went and did what this husband did. . .well. . .what’s it to her? Really? Is my soul her problem (she’s aethiest)? Am I supposed to live a celibate life just because she wants to?

And women are classic excuse makers too. . .my wife will say, “The house is dirty” (it’s often immaculate from my cleaning it - she wants it like a museum), the kids were fussy today. . .sorry. . .guess what? The kids are always fussy and there’s always laundry to do. I disipline them pretty well and they are pretty neat kids - my oldest son has asked to go to Church because he wants to learn about God. How many kids are that thoughtful?

Half of you are crying to get your kids to Mass.

So. . .the youngest one was fussing? Awwwwwwwwl. Sorry. That’s life, baby. I participate in child care, housecleaning, cooking, laundry. . .sure, maybe it’s not up to her snuff. . .but I get the job done and then some. I cook all my own meals, the kids meals and hers.

The problem is often women expect to be spoiled and really want a Daddy, not a husband.

I am probably a classic “enabler.”

Explanation maybe. Excuse. . .no. . .sorry. . .not giving you women a pass on that one.

(you see. . .I can throw back some gender anger just as well as you all can. . .and that’s only one barrel, Magic - want me to really open up?)

Again, I like what one poster said - open up our heads and it’s not pretty in there. I’m sure while your bodies are pretty, open up a female’s head and it’s just as ugly too.

Anyway, back to the OP. . .I think the best thing for you would be to get healthy. Your health, and I know it’s not intentional, may be acting as an albatross upon the marriage. You are allowed to lead seperate social lives. . .but at the end of the day, when you get back together, you should both be with each other in mind, body and spirit.

I really wish you very well and it’s been a little therapeutic for me to open up. . .I hope it’s been therapeutic for you to see what one guy is thinking.

One final closing thought on this. . .men are weird. Ask a lot of them if they would have sex with someone else than their wife and they would admit yes. . .but ask us to trade in our families. . .never! That’s why men rarely leave their wife for the mistress. They just can’t do it - he probably treasures you more than you think.

I wish you well.

 

[Magicsilence]

Magic,

You see. . .now we are talking. People think we are fighting perhaps but like Rod Tidwell said in Jerry Maguire “Jerry. . .you think we are fighting. . .I think we are talking.” I was just asking the flip question to see what’s really bothering the OP.

And I got it - she feels totally neglected. And she is right to feel that. Of course you are right. . .remember. . .let me bold this:

There is a difference between “excuse” and "explanation."

Yes, but the explanation is often offered as an excuse.

You women are thinking I am attempting to garner an excuse. . .I am not.

Yes, but your explanation is based on the notion that sex is some God given right. It is not.

I only asked the forum, “What’s bugging (the women)?” because perhaps I mistakenly likened to my situation. My wife could care less about sex. . .she has told me. . .so if I went and did what this husband did. . .well. . .what’s it to her? Really? Is my soul her problem (she’s aethiest)? Am I supposed to live a celibate life just because she wants to?

What is it to her? Everything, I would presume. Her existence is not there solely for your pleasure. Although sex is an important part of marriage, that doesn’t mean the husband has the right to pursue it outside of marriage.

And women are classic excuse makers too. . .my wife will say, “The house is dirty” (it’s often immaculate from my cleaning it - she wants it like a museum), the kids were fussy today. . .sorry. . .guess what? The kids are always fussy and there’s always laundry to do. I disipline them pretty well and they are pretty neat kids - my oldest son has asked to go to Church because he wants to learn about God. How many kids are that thoughtful?

Half of you are crying to get your kids to Mass.

So. . .the youngest one was fussing? Awwwwwwwwl. Sorry. That’s life, baby. I participate in child care, housecleaning, cooking, laundry. . .sure, maybe it’s not up to her snuff. . .but I get the job done and then some. I cook all my own meals, the kids meals and hers.

The problem is often women expect to be spoiled and really want a Daddy, not a husband.

Are you saying that because women want to be loved and looked after, the man has the right to look for sex outside marriage? :banghead:

I am probably a classic “enabler.”

Explanation maybe. Excuse. . .no. . .sorry. . .not giving you women a pass on that one.

(you see. . .I can throw back some gender anger just as well as you all can. . .and that’s only one barrel, Magic - want me to really open up?)

You do seem really angry, and I suppose that is because your wife is not treating you too great. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[GraceDK]

MagicSilence…
I am all with you here.
Scanner thinks he can make some dispassionate study of what goes on in a man’s brain when he acts perverted.
Talking about infidelity, pornography, and prostitution with women - who knows how devastating it is to live with men who are possessed with such demons of lust- and expecting them to be dispassionate and purely analytic is a bit too idealistic … A bit like discussing the Holocaust with Jews and expecting them to be dispassionately explaining human “natural” behaviour of the SS officers is next to impossible…

Abuses of married women and women in generel are deeply hurtful and deeply personal to every other woman too… and yes… the distance between explaning and excusing behaviour is not very far…
I think you Scanner have to understand that when attempting to explain that which is unexplainable, its sometimes like blaspheming the dignity and right of people to mourn a loss and a tragedy. Its like explaining the violent behaviour of a criminal to his victim and expect the victim to say: “Oh yes, rationally I understand this man’s behaviour towards me because I see his broken unbringing, the drugs he was on etc.”

Scanner I am not out to sound harsh… just trying to explain why we as women are not so cool in our evaluation of what is going on…
I read a post on a secular forum from a woman whose husband used pornography and the woman was near suicide, she was so grieved. I felt like crying when I read her testimony. Somebody answered her back in secular terms saying something like this: “I’d kick his ***… and hope the door leaves splinters in his *** on his way out”… was it mature? no… was it a relief to just see a HUMAN response instead of the ones where people are wrapped up in trying to be Christlike in their brokenness instead of screaming out their despair? YES.

Please allow a a natural response to perversion and hatred… and yes… You bet I am angry at these things that so devastate women and marriages.

 

[whatevergirl]

I find it a bit surprising that a lot of emphasis for why men potentially use prostitutes, comes down to their wives’ treatment of them. If I was treating my husband poorly, I still don’t think he’d turn to a prostitute. Any man who would seek out paying for sex, has been introduced to a poor way of viewing women from most likely their childhood. Either they saw their moms treated poorly, or their dads used prostitutes/porn, or mom and dad were sleeping around…but, I don’t believe that all men, given an oppty, would turn to paying someone for sex. No way. I think that is a very distorted view of women–and remember, it’s a crime still in most states, so for a man to not only seek out to pay for sex, but be so obsessed that he breaks the law to do so, isn’t doing so because his wife at home is nagging him to do some laundry or help around the house.

Not saying that there aren’t men who wouldn’t seek out prostitutes because they are not happy at home, but it’s far more arrogant than that, in my opinion. These men learned early on that women are objects–that sex is a commodity–and can be bought, if need be. Period. I really don’t think it’s healthy to blame women for their husband’s breaking the law with prostitutes. If we candy coat things or ignore the elephant in the room–then the men who do this, will never get the help they need. A marriage retreat or some isolated counseling sessions isn’t going to transform a man’s mind who has a very toxic way of viewing women, and sex.

 

[jman507]

I’ll disagree somewhat by saying that nearly all mean suffer from concupiscence due to their fallen nature. That will play itself out in in men by typically wanting to have sex with women. To have sex is a good thing, but due to that concupiscence there is a temptation to do that good thing in a disordered way. There are more ways to do it in a disordred way than just prostitutes, but it is one possible way.

Now on the other hand there is many things that will keep a person from doing a disordred thing, because the ordered way of going about a thing typically the way a person wants to do it. Out of weakness a person can always fall. Those places where a person are weak differ from person to person, so it may be rather easy and never really in issue with regards to finding another woman. Some people are far more weaker. Some people may even stop from falling just strictly from the imperfect reason of pride.

I wouldn’t say that people who do so learn early on that women are just objects. It is the concupiscence that will twist a bad thing to look like a good thing. I doubt someone who goes to a prostitute really wants to view the woman as an object, but the desire to have the love that comes with it is disordered and is actually lust. In the end it, the person isn’t any more joyous, and is just left hallow. The person is typically left in a spiral down, especially the one who has cheated on his marriage vow.

Back to the situation of the OP. This makes this a very bad position. He and he alone is responsible for the sin. On the other hand, both parties are responsible for the on-going relationship. The infraction itself is unacceptable, but to bring that relationship back into something healthy is not going to be easy. When you get a person who has a lack of self-esteem, usually the person is in a down-ward spiral. The person is disappointed in himself, and its not going to be easy to find an opening to let you bring him up. He is stuck continuing to do things that will cause harm. While he may not deserve to be forgiven, out of love you desire that. Still he feels he doesn’t deserve your love. Only so much can happen until he can forgive himself. Not so much to just dismiss the whole thing, but to free himself up to do the thing he needs to do to improve the situation. The best you can proably do is to try to find those small openings, and not expect too much. Just realize the whole thing will be draining. Hopefully the hard work of trying to find those openings and try to communicate, and by the grace of God, can get you two in a better position.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

I wonder how much porn has affected the way men in our society view women? I’ve noticed that some here are semi-blaming the wife for possibly not being sexually available enough, and wonder if their exposure to porn might have given them unrealistic expectations as to what a wife should be like. Is she supposed to act like a porn star/prostitute in order to meet the wants (notice I didn’t say needs) of her spouse? Considering how raunchy porn has become (anal sex, threesomes, etc.), how far is a wife supposed to go?

Alina, the entire premiss of the the thread is why a man is tempted toward a sin and naturally tends to study the fall of one of the sexes which is itself sterotypical.
I can understand the thrust of your question, but since your statement may be mistakenly taken by others as a reflection on myself and since I feel quite strongly on these issues – I will reply from my personal perspective.

If you read back through my posts, you will see that I attempt to think better of people than they perhaps deserve – I am looking for ignorance, not malice at first. However, in my extended family – It was my sister in law and also my teenage god-daughter Dean Rozencrantz was after. My MOTHER IN LAW put my god daughter back in danger – over my strenuous objections. She had full custody of my niece because of abandonment, lied to me about it, blamed her husband for her problems, UNNECESSARILY shoved my niece back into her adulturous father’s house on weekends rather than bringing her to my CCD class etc. etc. etc. My wife rationalized everything my mother in law and sister in law did – they were all in “a hard spot” with lots of gushy emotions and were even acting irresponsibly enough to drag my children into the fray.

Does any of this have to do with me and porn? NO. But the moment my objections became insistent, I GOT BLAMED FOR BEING A PORN ADDICT, ACCUSED OF RAPE, etc. etc. etc. I had priests pester me about it in confession after repeatedly telling them NO I DON’T GO THERE. I had EWTN celebrity deacon H-B-S asking me if I could do anything more for my wife who was actively trying to get me to flunk out of college at the time – while the good deacon simultaneously gave me a how to be “vulnerable” speech … I wonder if the only catholic man he can imagine is a martyr – and I think he may even be actively encouraging mock persecution for the hell of it. My wife recently mentioned his association with a “Catholic man contest” or another – what A JOKE, anyone who enters it can expect academically masterminded hazing.

My expectations about the relationship between a man and woman comes from the Catholic Church, Castii Connubi, Humane Vitae, theology of the body, and especially Genesis. There are duties and rights meant to protect both spouses in the intimate and good sexuality of marriage, if one can’t perform the duty – don’t get married (PERIOD). The ability to make men look like sex starved perverts in general in this society is exploiting and exaggerating the general weakness found in men, and in existence from the beginning of the sinful world.

I know this is probably a topic for another thread, but porn seems to really change the way people think about sex, and not in a good way, from what I have witnessed. I am now divorced because my ex-spouse expected me to live in a marriage incompatible with the teachings of the Church. He is deeply affected by porn and the culture spawned by it. He is not the only one, I suspect.

What have you witnessed? Ok, another thread.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

I find it a bit surprising that a lot of emphasis for why men potentially use prostitutes, comes down to their wives’ treatment of them. If I was treating my husband poorly, I still don’t think he’d turn to a prostitute.

May you never have the opportunity to put him to the test.

My sister in law was married to a man to whom on my mother in law’s advice (sparked by my wife) chose to withold sexuality from him unilaterally except one day a month. There were no fidelity problems to that point – He (a protestant) then committed adultury. My sister in law found the used condoms in his van, and the ensuing destruction of her marriage along with her desire to “punish” him. Nothing he did was illegal – in fact he ended up marrying this other woman in payment, and has a prenuptual agreement so sharp he doesn’t dare walk away. It is to this family that my niece was sent, it was to her “stepmother” to whom she would always be a threat that she had to kiss up to.

There was no true porn involved with the original adultury, however my sister in law later fell prey the predator, Dean, in her weakness. Her sex addiction was only sparked by things like 17 magazine, cosmopolitan, &c, and her desire for her husband up until that point. The fantasy beauty queen. That’s the only porn here – the woman’s unlabelled porn. Her mother gave her that garbage.

Not saying that there aren’t men who wouldn’t seek out prostitutes because they are not happy at home, but it’s far more arrogant than that, in my opinion. These men learned early on that women are objects–that sex is a commodity–and can be bought, if need be. Period.

Undoubtedly true in some cases, but it is easier for a woman to think this than to understand a weakness exists in men which women do not generally share in the same way. Prostitution existed even before the drawing of them in the graphic arts. Cain was a polygamist – why? Surely Adam (of one wife) didn’t draw him a picture, nor were there others to teach him this weakness.

I really don’t think it’s healthy to blame women for their husband’s breaking the law with prostitutes. If we candy coat things or ignore the elephant in the room–then the men who do this, will never get the help they need. A marriage retreat or some isolated counseling sessions isn’t going to transform a man’s mind who has a very toxic way of viewing women, and sex.

Nor do I think it healthy to avoid the fact that men have a different set of temptations than women, and those who do purposely deny their husbands sexuality and exploit it (which is common, see my sister in law) share a certain responsibility for their fall if it does happen. St. Paul could not have said “It is better to marry than burn” and DO NOT ABSTAIN FROM EACH OTHER EXCEPT BY MUTUAL CONSENT – otherwise.

Mercy, love, duty, respect, all go together in the beauty of the marital bond.
Should one’s spouse be sick, it may be quite appropriate to hold one’s peace indefinitely out of LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

In the context of this thread, men who are NOT adulterers, or seeking prostitutes are trying to identify to some extent with a man who is accused of it – and a man whom I wasn’t sure was even guilty of it until late in the thread. How does one identify with a pervert when they aren’t one?

Pornography is a very wide meaning word – all the way from sexual inuendo of commercials, to child abuse.

I don’t mean to be so high pitched – but this really bothers me.
I am just as much on the chopping block as any woman in this thread by the way the conversation has progressed.

 

[duskyjewel]

My expectations about the relationship between a man and woman comes from the Catholic Church, Castii Connubi, Humane Vitae, theology of the body, and especially Genesis. There are duties and rights meant to protect both spouses in the intimate and good sexuality of marriage, if one can’t perform the duty – don’t get married (PERIOD). The ability to make men look like sex starved perverts in general in this society is exploiting and exaggerating the general weakness found in men, and in existence from the beginning of the sinful world.

:clapping: Excellent analysis. GhostMan would probably love this post. Men are regularly denigrated as oppressive sex maniacs for merely wanting a normal marital relationship where their needs and desires are a substantial part of the equation.

Ladies, like it or not, we have tons of power. And if we refuse to take our men’s need for sex seriously, and acknowledge the truth that that is the main, most effective way to make him feel loved, then we invite myriad problems into our marriages. Each person is responsible for his own sin, but if we deny our husbands’ reasonable needs and desires, aren’t we making ourselves into near occasions of sin for our husbands? We put their concupiscence on steroids. We make it easier for Satan to make our husbands fall. When Satan says, come over here and get easy sex, gratification, and the illusion of a woman who cares, a guy who is certain he will get those things at home will tell Satan it’s not worth it and to bug off. A guy who is certain he won’t get that at home will be much more likely to fall. Satan uses the empty places in our souls to lure us with his lies. If a wife has filled her husband’s soul with her love, including physically, Satan can’t find an opening to tempt him!

This may or may not apply to the OP, but I suspect not. This marriage has dozens of problems that pre-exist it, any of which is sufficient to make it fail. Caveat: my comments apply to normal guys in normal marriages. Not to abusers or addicts of any kind. No amount of appeasement works with those types. I am talking about your standard, basic, decent husband, which most of us married.

 

[whatevergirl]

May you never have the opportunity to put him to the test.

My sister in law was married to a man to whom on my mother in law’s advice (sparked by my wife) chose to withold sexuality from him unilaterally except one day a month. There were no fidelity problems to that point – He (a protestant) then committed adultury. My sister in law found the used condoms in his van, and the ensuing destruction of her marriage along with her desire to “punish” him. Nothing he did was illegal – in fact he ended up marrying this other woman in payment, and has a prenuptual agreement so sharp he doesn’t dare walk away. It is to this family that my niece was sent, it was to her “stepmother” to whom she would always be a threat that she had to kiss up to.

There was no true porn involved with the original adultury, however my sister in law later fell prey the predator, Dean, in her weakness. Her sex addiction was only sparked by things like 17 magazine, cosmopolitan, &c, and her desire for her husband up until that point. The fantasy beauty queen. That’s the only porn here – the woman’s unlabelled porn. Her mother gave her that garbage.

Undoubtedly true in some cases, but it is easier for a woman to think this than to understand a weakness exists in men which women do not generally share in the same way. Prostitution existed even before the drawing of them in the graphic arts. Cain was a polygamist – why? Surely Adam (of one wife) didn’t draw him a picture, nor were there others to teach him this weakness.

Nor do I think it healthy to avoid the fact that men have a different set of temptations than women, and those who do purposely deny their husbands sexuality and exploit it (which is common, see my sister in law) share a certain responsibility for their fall if it does happen. St. Paul could not have said “It is better to marry than burn” and DO NOT ABSTAIN FROM EACH OTHER EXCEPT BY MUTUAL CONSENT – otherwise.

Mercy, love, duty, respect, all go together in the beauty of the marital bond.
Should one’s spouse be sick, it may be quite appropriate to hold one’s peace indefinitely out of LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

In the context of this thread, men who are NOT adulterers, or seeking prostitutes are trying to identify to some extent with a man who is accused of it – and a man whom I wasn’t sure was even guilty of it until late in the thread. How does one identify with a pervert when they aren’t one?

Pornography is a very wide meaning word – all the way from sexual inuendo of commercials, to child abuse.

I don’t mean to be so high pitched – but this really bothers me.
I am just as much on the chopping block as any woman in this thread by the way the conversation has progressed.

I didn’t say they wouldn’t fall to adultery–and women do as well–but I think it’s presumptious to say that men who lack sex in their marriage, for whatever the reasons, would seek out a prostitute. Do I think that can potentially lead to adultery? Yes…but this thread is not about adultery, in an of itself. It’s about prostitutes, and why (married) men use them.

 

[whatevergirl]

:clapping: Excellent analysis. GhostMan would probably love this post. Men are regularly denigrated as oppressive sex maniacs for merely wanting a normal marital relationship where their needs and desires are a substantial part of the equation.

Ladies, like it or not, we have tons of power. And if we refuse to take our men’s need for sex seriously, and acknowledge the truth that that is the main, most effective way to make him feel loved, then we invite myriad problems into our marriages. Each person is responsible for his own sin, but if we deny our husbands’ reasonable needs and desires, aren’t we making ourselves into near occasions of sin for our husbands? We put their concupiscence on steroids. We make it easier for Satan to make our husbands fall. When Satan says, come over here and get easy sex, gratification, and the illusion of a woman who cares, a guy who is certain he will get those things at home will tell Satan it’s not worth it and to bug off. A guy who is certain he won’t get that at home will be much more likely to fall. Satan uses the empty places in our souls to lure us with his lies. If a wife has filled her husband’s soul with her love, including physically, Satan can’t find an opening to tempt him!

This may or may not apply to the OP, but I suspect not. This marriage has dozens of problems that pre-exist it, any of which is sufficient to make it fail. Caveat: my comments apply to normal guys in normal marriages. Not to abusers or addicts of any kind. No amount of appeasement works with those types. I am talking about your standard, basic, decent husband, which most of us married.

I think this is a beautiful post! I will still add though, that I definitely agree that we as wives just as our husband do–have a responsibility to nurture the relationship with our spouses. Nurturing can mean different things to different people–and yes, men (and women) do value sex and intimacy. I still don’t think that is a precursor to the use of prostitutes for married men, although it can be. I definitely think that it can lead to adultery…but if you read a lot of the threads on this board about men who have cheated on their spouses–written by women–the women seemed quite loving, nurturing and sexual with their spouses. I just think having an affair, and using a prostitute are two different animals. I don’t see the same man having an affair, as necessarily tempted to break the law, and ‘hire’ a prostitute…The two are devesating to a marriage just the same!

 

[bilop]

I didn’t say they wouldn’t fall to adultery–and women do as well–but I think it’s presumptious to say that men who lack sex in their marriage, for whatever the reasons, would seek out a prostitute. Do I think that can potentially lead to adultery? Yes…but this thread is not about adultery, in an of itself. It’s about prostitutes, and why (married) men use them.

But, morally, they are the same thing. Going to a prostitute is adultery just like having an affair with a co-worker, no more, no less.

Our society may judge prostitution more harshly, but it has not always been so. For most of the Christian Era it was considered far worse for a man to have sex with a regular unmarried woman, than to go to a prostitute, which was often accepted, if not condoned.

God Bless

 

[bilop]

May you never have the opportunity to put him to the test.

My sister in law was married to a man to whom on my mother in law’s advice (sparked by my wife) chose to withold sexuality from him unilaterally except one day a month.

What on earth would be the logic behind that advice?

God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

But, morally, they are the same thing. Going to a prostitute is adultery just like having an affair with a co-worker, no more, no less.

Our society may judge prostitution more harshly, but it has not always been so. For most of the Christian Era it was considered far worse for a man to have sex with a regular unmarried woman, than to go to a prostitute, which was often accepted, if not condoned.

God Bless

that’s so crazy! thanks for sharing.
i don’t separate the two…but the thread’s title is not about adultery with anyone…it’s about it with prostitutes. Which is why I made the distinction at all, really.

 

[GhostMan]

I thought I felt the hair on the back of my head prickle. How flattering to be mentioned - of course, being thought of in a post synonmous with a pig-of-a-man made me wonder.

The funny thing is, in general I believe that men are pigs. We’re susectable to the basest sins, often care for nothing other than our own satisfaction and are capable of horrible deeds. That being said, I don’t think we’re as bad as many of you ladies make us out to be.

I think men have more of an animal inside them that they need to battle than women do. You ladies have other issues - including dissatisfaction with your husbands thanks to Hollywood - but we men are stuck with the same old sins that have plagued man since the dawn of time.

I’ve enjoyed the refreshing honesty that some of the man have had the courage to post. I’ve also cringed at the closed-minded bashing they’ve taken for doing so. It seems to me that ladies often want us to talk and express our feelings and are then disgusted by what they hear. You can’t have it both ways. We’re scratching, drinking, farting, hard-playing louts who can be tamed by the love of a godo woman. Sometimes.

We’re not the goodie-twoshoes proclaimed by the Hallmark channel or on some of that “Christian Romance” smut peddled in fine “Christian” bookstore. We are tempted; sometimes we fight through it, sometimes we fail. We sin. We smell; we are loud, obnixous, hard-headed, stubborn, ungrateful, unfeeling and without redeeming merit - but some of you stick with us enough to bring out what we can be.

Now, to the question. I think there are two types of men: those who will frequent prostitutes and those who are sorely tempted. There is a third type, those who are not tempted, but this thread is not about them.

There are some men who will want to take a fling as often as they can for the cheapest price they can get. Sometimes this is money, other times dinner, or fancy words, or even marriage. The point is, what ever the shortest path to hanky-panky is, the better. These men, for lack of a better word, are not able to contain the animal within them. They are depraved and - often - don’t care. These men are not worth your consideration.

The second type, the ones who are tempted, are - probably - decent guys who are driven by more of their base desires than they wish, but who don’t act on their impulses. Like any sin, however, the more they dwell on it, the more likely they are to fall. You can’t stay sober if you’re an alcholic at a bar. You can’t stay pure if you’re tempted by a prostitute and have the money and ability to get away with it either - if the impulse is too strong.

The second type of man is strongly influenced by his wife - if he’s married. If she respects him, admires him, shows affection and desire, he will probably never get off that level 1 or 2 temptation. If he’s ignored, disrespected, belittles, mocked, heckled, mommied and told to roll over and forget about it, he’ll have a harder time.

You don’t know what goes on in his head. You can’t. You can help him, just like he must help you overcome your (hypothetical) falling sins. Do you gossip? Get jealous of your friends new house, baby, husband? Disrespect your parents? Hate your neighbor? Read female-porn (or watch those soaps?) Have you ever withheld affection to punish your husband? Have you no besetting sins? If so, do you not know that your husband’s treatment of you can influence them?

It’s so easy to beat up on men for sexual temptation. The fall is long and hard if one of us fails. There is no excuse for failing, but there is also no excuse for a life-partner - especially one interested in the other’s after-life - to make things more difficult by their own selfish behavior.

Some of you ladies are so scandalized by the words other men have spoken that you would probably not be able to help your husband if he were tempted. Is that what you want? Are you so judgemental about temptation - not the act, just the temptation - that you would reject him? That is not what we are called to do.

You may not like this, but you have so much power - for good or bad - over us. A man’s ego is a fragile thing. You want to be loved? Then, love the man you have. You want to be treasured? Then, respect the man you have. You want to be considered a jewel? Then, respect that your husband is a man who can be tempted and let him know that you are proud of the man he is.

The animal is unredeemable - save God’s grace - but the tempted man can be saved. Are you going to be judgemental or supportive?

 

[bilop]

that’s so crazy! thanks for sharing.
i don’t separate the two…but the thread’s title is not about adultery with anyone…it’s about it with prostitutes. Which is why I made the distinction at all, really.

I’m not sure what’s so crazy.

Morally, fornication is fornication, adultery is adultery.

Our society has added different layers (which change over time) like the idea of “cheating” on your girlfriend, who you are fornicating with. It’s not a nice thing to do. But, it’s fornication with the girlfriend, and fornication when “cheating”, same sin.

Likewise, in the Victorian age, a man “seducing” an “honest” women was considered far more grave than visiting a prostitute.
But, again, a man made distinction. Morally, both are adultery (or fornication) depending on the marital status of the man.

The real issue is why men cheat, whether it be with prostitutes, co-workers, or the woman next door. Though it seems many women here don’t want to hear the truth from some men who have been tempted and are trying to provide insight.

God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not sure what’s so crazy.

Morally, fornication is fornication, adultery is adultery.

Our society has added different layers (which change over time) like the idea of “cheating” on your girlfriend, who you are fornicating with. It’s not a nice thing to do. But, it’s fornication with the girlfriend, and fornication when “cheating”, same sin.

Likewise, in the Victorian age, a man “seducing” an “honest” women was considered far more grave than visiting a prostitute.
But, again, a man made distinction. Morally, both are adultery (or fornication) depending on the marital status of the man.

The real issue is why men cheat, whether it be with prostitutes, co-workers, or the woman next door. Though it seems many women here don’t want to hear the truth from some men who have been tempted and are trying to provide insight.

God Bless

the real question is why does anyone cheat? women may cheat for very different reasons, than men, but the outcome is the same…adultery. the title is not about though why do people cheat…it’s about married men using prostitutes. lol

Ghostman–your post was very good…and I appreciate your candor. We are all sinners, and I think that my husband needs my help in certain areas, and I, on others. I learned a lot reading what you said…thank you.

I think though that there are many women out there who do all the right things, and their men still cheat…I read it a lot on here, and I have seen it in my own family, and in friends’ families…it isn’t always about a wife not showing her husband enough affection. I don’t know if adultery is always about what a person if getting from another, as much as it is about what he/she might be lacking inside.

 

[DeusCaritasEst]

Ghostman, please do not take this tongue lashing personal. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. Think of yourself as one of those blow up punching dolls right now, and know that allowing me to throw a few lashes in a man’s direction makes me feel just a little bit better. Ordinarily, I would be very nice to you, because that’s the kinda gal I am. I’m a little tired of controlling my anger at the moment because I have a whole lot of it and can’t let any out, so thanks in advance for obliging the following temper tantrum:

The funny thing is, in general I believe that men are pigs. We’re susectable to the basest sins, often care for nothing other than our own satisfaction and are capable of horrible deeds.

Nice way to give yourselves a break for behaving badly, “I was just made this way.” Sorry, I don’t buy it. I could be a mean nasty selfish horrible person too, with no regard for anyone but myself. And I tell you one thing a man can’t do that a woman can which in my opinion is the foulest cruelest sin any human being can commit against humanity, and that is to get pregnant on purpose to trap a man into taking care of you, with no regard for the new life she’s bringing into the world. No man can do that. And now the laws are such that DNA will track a man down and garnish his wages and ensure that this woman who committed a deliberate act against humanity will have a certain percentage of his income for nearly 20 years.

We’re scratching, drinking, farting, hard-playing louts who can be tamed by the love of a godo woman. Sometimes.

We smell; we are loud, obnixous, hard-headed, stubborn, ungrateful, unfeeling and without redeeming merit - but some of you stick with us enough to bring out what we can be.

OK, so guys need a woman to train them? And who exactly is going to tell me as a woman how I’m supposed to do that? And why exactly is it even my responsibility to do that? The thing is men already know the difference between what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It is not my task as a woman to bring out what you can be, that’s your responsibility. Or maybe you should join the Army, they used to advertise they’d be able to make you be all you could be. What ever happened to the advice that you’re not supposed to expect to change your spouse?

The second type, the ones who are tempted, are - probably - decent guys who are driven by more of their base desires than they wish, but who don’t act on their impulses. Like any sin, however, the more they dwell on it, the more likely they are to fall. You can’t stay sober if you’re an alcholic at a bar. You can’t stay pure if you’re tempted by a prostitute and have the money and ability to get away with it either - if the impulse is too strong.

You can get beer the same place you get your milk and eggs, but a recovering alcoholic has to stay sober, so they have to resist that temptation which is right in front of them. Temptation being right under a person’s nose is no excuse for falling, whether you are sick or not. Prostitutes can be found on the internet during your work day, it’s a simple listing on craigslist, just like you would list your garage sale. That’s life, it’s easy to find. They’re right under our noses wherever we go.

The second type of man is strongly influenced by his wife - if he’s married. If she respects him, admires him, shows affection and desire, he will probably never get off that level 1 or 2 temptation. If he’s ignored, disrespected, belittles, mocked, heckled, mommied and told to roll over and forget about it, he’ll have a harder time.

You don’t know what goes on in his head. You can’t. You can help him, just like he must help you overcome your (hypothetical) falling sins.

Here’s where I get extremely frustrated. Why as a woman is it my responsibility to help him be a decent person? Sometimes I do ignore him, disrespect him, and mommy him. He does me the same way. Sometimes I don’t know I’m doing it. Sometimes I figure out I’ve done it and I apologize. As for the mommying, it seems to me that if I don’t do that he feels unloved. Honestly, mommying is an easy way to show love which can be done when he’s not even in the room. And actually it’s sometimes a lot easier to love him when he’s not in the room.