Why do married men go to prostitutes?

[whatevergirl]

They also provide a service with out baggage, strings, or conditions (except one small fee). For a man who does not feel loved at home but instead has a very unpleaseant marriage, They may find value in paying for something they don’t get at home: someone who acts like they care. Wouldn’t it be great if the church encouraged married couples to go to a once a year refresher course where they get education together, counceling, and education on how to contribute more to the marriage? If prostitutes know how to keep men happy, statisfied, etc. shouldn’t married women have the same knowledge? I am not talking about willingness to go to the extreme realm of deviant activity, Which I doubt most prostitutes would do anyhow. I am talking about flirting, attentiveness, and mood setting.

I am sure we men also need such training since earning a paycheck, mowing the lawn, and killing the spiders isn’t good enough for some of you…

When marriages go stale it opens the door for spouses to seek comfort elsewhere.

*You seem like a nice man, but wow, what an incredibly insulting post. If you think married men are frequenting prostitutes because they are not feeling loved at home, then you really are way off base. I thought we were somewhat in agreement a few posts up, but this shows a different tangent than what we were talking about. Prostitutes don’t love these men, by the way…they use them. Like the men are using them. There is no love involved. Please do not sum up the reason men visit prostitutes as it’s the wife’s fault. Prostitutes do what men want them to do because they are PAID. They don’t love these men, and they won’t sleep with them for free. Many men who sleep with prostitutes are extremely insecure, and feel very small–and they want control. Many celebs and high powered politicians who have gone to prostitutes aren’t looking for love, they are looking for sex and control. Money controls the situation, and they get sex. How insulting to compare a prostitute getting paid to pay attention to men, to a Catholic wife’s love of her husband. As if the two are even comparable?

I am really sadly surprised that you would post this as if to excuse the deplorable actions of any man who visit a prostitute as somehow the wife’s fault. Only if she loved him enough and made the home better…happier…her husband wouldn’t have gone to a prostitute. *

 

[whatevergirl]

And what they lack is piety. No truly pious person could ever do such an act.

And yes, they are “looking for love in all the wrong places.” (I think that phrase came from some bad C&W song from the 1970’s.) Rather than looking for Love where it can truly be found - in Jesus - they look for it in base, carnal pleasure.

Thank you! Thank you very much. I also believe that they have problems viewing sex in healthy ways. I don’t believe for a moment that men who cheat on their wives with prostitutes are doing so out of mere selfishness…that plays a role, but they obviously think low of themselves if they are willing to pay for sex, and view women as objects to ‘be purchased.’ Thanks for your refreshing post, from a male point of view.

 

[Ailina]

“If prostitutes know how to keep men happy, statisfied, etc. shouldn’t married women have the same knowledge?”

Wow, I don’t know what to say to that. A prostitute takes money for whatever sexual act is demanded, no matter how degrading, no questions asked. There is no caring there; it is just a transaction: money for sex. A man who does such things doesn’t care about the prostitute herself, her life, her troubles, her dreams. Neither does she care such things about him. He could jump off a cliff in the next hour and she likley wouldn’t care, wouldn’t be going to his funeral.

What you are saying is that a man is justified in going to a prostitute because his wife likely or obviously doesn’t satifsy him. I wonder what Jesus would say about that.

I know men who don’t go to prostitutes because these days why bother? It is very easy to hook up with married women who also want sexual variety in their lives outside their marriages, easily found through websites such as AshleyMadison and FriendFinders. Maybe those women wouldn’t wander if their husbands were better spouses too, I guess. So it must be the husband’s fault for being so boring/demanding/having expectations.

 

[royal_archer]

You seem like a nice man, but wow, what an incredibly insulting post. If you think married men are frequenting prostitutes because they are not feeling loved at home, then you really are way off base. I thought we were somewhat in agreement a few posts up, but this shows a different tangent than what we were talking about. Prostitutes don’t love these men, by the way…they use them. Like the men are using them. There is no love involved. Please do not sum up the reason men visit prostitutes as it’s the wife’s fault. Prostitutes do what men want them to do because they are PAID. They don’t love these men, and they won’t sleep with them for free. Many men who sleep with prostitutes are extremely insecure, and feel very small–and they want control. Many celebs and high powered politicians who have gone to prostitutes aren’t looking for love, they are looking for sex and control. Money controls the situation, and they get sex. How insulting to compare a prostitute getting paid to pay attention to men, to a Catholic wife’s love of her husband. As if the two are even comparable?

I am really sadly surprised that you would post this as if to excuse the deplorable actions of any man who visit a prostitute as somehow the wife’s fault. Only if she loved him enough and made the home better…happier…her husband wouldn’t have gone to a prostitute.

First: I understood the original poster asking the question as a request to understand and I presume seek information on what they can do about it.

I believe I switched gears here and couple of different trains of thought are getting mixed up. Actually I don’t think we are that far off. Keep in mind that I believe this is a multi dimensional issue. And while it is clear in my mind when I am talking about the one extreme vs the other, I obviously have not articulated it properly.

First some men and women have issues for which they would leave a loving spouse.They may be trill seakers or deviants or those who have extreme self hate. Let’s write those individuals out as unhelpable.

Next group: I also believe that there are single men out there who are looking for love, or anything close to love and can not find it. There are men out there who are not charasmatic or attractive and do not have great personalities. Some guys just do not have any success with women. If the only women who show them any attention do so for money, can you blame them?

Next group: I believe there are an extremely small number of men who have gotten into a relationship with an extremly cold hearted or hateful spouse who for all practical purposes are like the single men who can not find love but due to the presense of children or other reasons can not get a separation. If a man has been verbally and emotionally abused by his wife, I could see a situation where he would seek comfort . Such men would be unlikely to be able to have an affair where money was not involved and in desperation may be willing to pay. As I explained earlier with the rape victim It is possible for someone to not have fault but still have an chance to make a positive impact. However, I believe that this would be an extremely rare situation.

The rest of this post deals with the men who WOULD NOT seek profesional services.

Now for the rest of those who can be helped. I believe that all couples have issues that are along a spectrum. Some near the perfect relationship and others with extreme conflict. The majority of us fall somewhere in between. I personally am in a less than ideal marriage but would not consider going to a prostitute but would consider more benign escapes: extra hours at work, willingness to take business trips, getting more involved with the church.

I hope you won’t deny that even the best of couples accumulate some baggage and bring that baggage into the bedroom. By that I mean one spouse is in a romantic mood and the other interupts and goes through a list of chores that need done or other household worries. While such a rejection in it self is not a problem, repeated rejections of this type can damage a relationship,

I also believe that some spouses do withold romance as a form of manipulation. E.G don’t talk to me you didn’t take the garbage out or not until you do this for me. These strings and conditions can likewise put strain on a marriage.

I also believe that these situations can start out small and grow with out either spouse realizing things are going wrong. This can result in a very unhappy marriage which can be further exacerbated by day to day household stresses. I also believe that if these relationship wounds are not healed they can result in one of the couples to leave the marriage. And where do couples learn how to recognize, much less deal with this?

I believe couples need to know how to reconnect and rekindle the passion of the relationship before things get out of hand. I also believe the church has a role in teaching couples. One of the lessons needs to be how does a man make his wife feel loved even if he is not in a loving mood and conversely how does a woman make her husban feel loved even if she is not in a loving mood.

 

[royal_archer]

“If prostitutes know how to keep men happy, statisfied, etc. shouldn’t married women have the same knowledge?”

Wow, I don’t know what to say to that. A prostitute takes money for whatever sexual act is demanded, no matter how degrading, no questions asked. There is no caring there; it is just a transaction: money for sex. A man who does such things doesn’t care about the prostitute herself, her life, her troubles, her dreams. Neither does she care such things about him. He could jump off a cliff in the next hour and she likley wouldn’t care, wouldn’t be going to his funeral.

What you are saying is that a man is justified in going to a prostitute because his wife likely or obviously doesn’t satifsy him. I wonder what Jesus would say about that.

I know men who don’t go to prostitutes because these days why bother? It is very easy to hook up with married women who also want sexual variety in their lives outside their marriages, easily found through websites such as AshleyMadison and FriendFinders. Maybe those women wouldn’t wander if their husbands were better spouses too, I guess. So it must be the husband’s fault for being so boring/demanding/having expectations.

You took that quote and went off in a totally different direction.

First I didn’t say the wifes actions justified anything.

Next: It does apply equally to men and women. If men are acting in a way that reduces the romance between the couple, then it would be appropriate to help them learn how to better satisfy their wives.

I doubt that prostitutes will do anything for money, they are people also. Just people who did not have an adequate moral upbringing and found their skills of seduction are the best way to support themselves.

 

[Tosk]

You took that quote and went off in a totally different direction.

First I didn’t say the wifes actions justified anything.

Next: It does apply equally to men and women. If men are acting in a way that reduces the romance between the couple, then it would be appropriate to help them learn how to better satisfy their wives.

I doubt that prostitutes will do anything for money, they are people also. Just people who did not have an adequate moral upbringing and found their skills of seduction are the best way to support themselves.

These men don’t go to prostitutes for sex or at least not “vanilla” sex. They could get sex at home or from many women for free. The thing is the women will demand something in return, some sort of emotional bond and relationship. Usually a man who visits a prostitute is suffering from a sexual compulsion combined with a good bit of misogyny. I am guessing all of this begins with porn. After all every bit of porn, from the smiling girls in the lad mags to the disgusting stuff on the interwebz is just a training course in misogyny. You start with porn and then graduate to abuse, infidelity, prostitutes, ect.

 

[royal_archer]

These men don’t go to prostitutes for sex or at least not “vanilla” sex. They could get sex at home or from many women for free. The thing is the women will demand something in return, some sort of emotional bond and relationship. Usually a man who visits a prostitute is suffering from a sexual compulsion combined with a good bit of misogyny. I am guessing all of this begins with porn. After all every bit of porn, from the smiling girls in the lad mags to the disgusting stuff on the interwebz is just a training course in misogyny. You start with porn and then graduate to abuse, infidelity, prostitutes, ect.

Not all men can get sex at home and many men could not get it for free.

Next issue: all most all men deal with some level of a sexual compulsion. The human race would not survive if we didn’t.

 

[Ailina]

Next issue: all most all men deal with some level of a sexual compulsion. The human race would not survive if we didn’t.

Ditto for women; they too have a sex drive. Just because women have been taught to suppress it in the past doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The human race would not survive if wmen didn’t.

As for breakdowns in marriages, men who turn away to other things such as overwork or the television set, likely are neglecting their wives just as much as the wives who aren’t open to sex with their husbands.

At the last, men who use prostitutes are just as broken as the prostitutes themselves. It is not healthy behavior.

 

[mrpathetic]

Next group: I believe there are an extremely small number of men who have gotten into a relationship with an extremly cold hearted or hateful spouse who for all practical purposes are like the single men who can not find love but due to the presense of children or other reasons can not get a separation. If a man has been verbally and emotionally abused by his wife, I could see a situation where he would seek comfort.

I think you are describing me! How do you know me? Do you life in the Houston, Texas Area? Just kidding…

Yes, I fall into this category. Yes, I have been emotionally abused by my spouse, for the past 15 years or so. Yes, I simply take it like a man…

**No, under no circumstances, would I “seek comfort”, to use your euphamism. **Sorry, I have too much respect for myself, for God’s law, and for the law of man. I take my marriage vows seriously - they are vows to God, and cannot be broken. I can see absolutely no circumstances, where I would purchase the services of a prostitute, or engage in any other acts of adultery.

Instead, I will live out the rest of my life in 100% continence. I have prayed to the Lord, for enough discipline and self-control, to do this. I pray He will grant me the necessary graces, to carry this out. This is really what I feel called to (e.g., my vocation from the Lord.)

 

[royal_archer]

I think you are describing me! How do you know me? Do you life in the Houston, Texas Area? Just kidding…

Yes, I fall into this category. Yes, I have been emotionally abused by my spouse, for the past 15 years or so. Yes, I simply take it like a man…

**No, under no circumstances, would I “seek comfort”, to use your euphamism. **Sorry, I have too much respect for myself, for God’s law, and for the law of man. I take my marriage vows seriously - they are vows to God, and cannot be broken. I can see absolutely no circumstances, where I would purchase the services of a prostitute, or engage in any other acts of adultery.

Instead, I will live out the rest of my life in 100% continence. I have prayed to the Lord, for enough discipline and self-control, to do this. I pray He will grant me the necessary graces, to carry this out. This is really what I feel called to (e.g., my vocation from the Lord.)

But you have had a moral upbringing. Secular society in general does not encourage individuals to constrained by such morals. As I said earlier a whole chain of events have to happen for someone to seek comfort for a fee. Not finding comfort at home is just one of many factors that would have to be present. Having a ill tempered spouse would not do it alone but, an ill tempered spouse, need issues, lack of Christian morals, lack of ability to have an affair, lack of respect for the law, lack of understanding of the girls situation, etc. all have to combine.

By the way the term “seek comfort” was intended for more than just keeping the conversation as close to a “g” rating as possible. I feel the term prostitution applies to more than fornication. Legaly and by typical definition it may but what about the lesser activities which involve paying for lesser levels of comfort or intimacy?

 

[mrpathetic]

By the way the term “seek comfort” was intended for more than just keeping the conversation as close to a “g” rating as possible. I feel the term prostitution applies to more than fornication. Legaly and by typical definition it may but what about the lesser activities which involve paying for lesser levels of comfort or intimacy?

By “lesser levels of comfort or intimacy”, I presume you mean pornography, fantasy, masturbation, etc. These may not be forbidden by the secular law (in most countries) today. And yes, pagan society may tolerate these more than prostituion.

These can do equal levels of damage to marriage. They may not violate the civil law (in most jurisdictions), and they may not pose the STD risk that prostitution does.

But they are still an offense to God, and still destroy families and marriages. The catechism clearly defines these as mortal sins. There is no moral justification for these activities, under any circumstances.

Addictions to pornography and masturbation are real. If anyone is engaged in these activities, they need to repent, and stop doing them, today. If necessary, get pastoral help, to break free from these behaviors, that are so offensive to God.

 

[royal_archer]

By “lesser levels of comfort or intimacy”, I presume you mean pornography, fantasy, masturbation, etc. These may not be forbidden by the secular law (in most countries) today. And yes, pagan society may tolerate these more than prostituion.

These can do equal levels of damage to marriage. They may not violate the civil law (in most jurisdictions), and they may not pose the STD risk that prostitution does.

But they are still an offense to God, and still destroy families and marriages. The catechism clearly defines these as mortal sins. There is no moral justification for these activities, under any circumstances.

Addictions to pornography and masturbation are real. If anyone is engaged in these activities, they need to repent, and stop doing them, today. If necessary, get pastoral help, to break free from these behaviors, that are so offensive to God.

By lesser forms of intimacy I was thinknig about other cases where men pay for the company of a woman in differing degrees be it profesional “dancers”; messages, or some restraunts that cater to men. In some of these scenarios the man is not paying for sexual services but for other forms of comfort such as the appearance of an emotional attachment which is used to sell other services.

 

[royal_archer]

Ditto for women; they too have a sex drive. Just because women have been taught to suppress it in the past doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The human race would not survive if wmen didn’t…

Then why do so many men have problems with wives who won’t express this?

As for breakdowns in marriages, men who turn away to other things such as overwork or the television set, likely are neglecting their wives just as much as the wives who aren’t open to sex with their husbands. .

What you are describing is the downward spiral. Man forgets to put down toilet seat, wife refuses romance; guy gets frustrated; wife gets mad; guy goes golfing… This is why I said that both spouses need education on how to put their “baggage” aside and come together again.

At the last, men who use prostitutes are just as broken as the prostitutes themselves. It is not healthy behavior.

Why is it when a woman is messed up in the head and kills her baby through an abortion we offer her compasion and acceptance but when a man is messed up in the head and hires a call girl, he is demonized?

 

[mrpathetic]

By lesser forms of intimacy I was thinknig about other cases where men pay for the company of a woman in differing degrees be it profesional “dancers”; messages, or some restraunts that cater to men. In some of these scenarios the man is not paying for sexual services but for other forms of comfort such as the appearance of an emotional attachment which is used to sell other services.

By that, I presume you mean strip clubs, and Hooters. Sorry, frequenting those types of establishments is still sinful.

**My hometown is overrun with strip clubs. I wish a hurricane would come, and blow them all away. **

There is a Hooters restaurant close to my home; I drive by it all the time on the way to work.** I would rather eat from a dumpster, than go in to that place. **

Men go into these places to objectify and fantasize about women. This is not the Lord’s plan for human sexuality and reproduction.

His plan is simple, and Theology of the Body makes it simple and straightforward. The only purpose for human sexuality is **the natural, marital relations, between a man and a woman, that is open to new life. ** Nothing else is permissible. That’s the bottom line.

So unless you are married to a Hooter’s girl, there’s no moral reason to go in that place.

 

[royal_archer]

By that, I presume you mean strip clubs, and Hooters. Sorry, frequenting those types of establishments is still sinful.

**My hometown is overrun with strip clubs. I wish a hurricane would come, and blow them all away. **

There is a Hooters restaurant close to my home; I drive by it all the time on the way to work.** I would rather eat from a dumpster, than go in to that place. **

Men go into these places to objectify and fantasize about women. This is not the Lord’s plan for human sexuality and reproduction.

His plan is simple, and Theology of the Body makes it simple and straightforward. The only purpose for human sexuality is **the natural, marital relations, between a man and a woman, that is open to new life. ** Nothing else is permissible. That’s the bottom line.

So unless you are married to a Hooter’s girl, there’s no moral reason to go in that place.

What about a regular family restaurant where a waitress tries to develop a personal connection with a customer to get repeat business?

The point is not to identify some threshold where the activity is “OK”. The point is that when we think of prostitution we narrow in on one small category which is the tip of the iceburg. While most men can see the obvious sin involved with hiring a call girl, some may not see such a sin with a hypothetical going to lunch at the Denny’s accross from where they work because rosy the waitress is always happy to see him and holds a pleasent, flirtatious conversation.

 

[Sierrah]

Ok if it were me and this happened my husband would be out the door so fast he wouldn’t see the pavement. Either that or I would be gone. I could never stay with someone who showed me so much disrespect.

 

[Dale_M]

Why is it when a woman is messed up in the head and kills her baby through an abortion we offer her compasion and acceptance but when a man is messed up in the head and hires a call girl, he is demonized?

Hmmm… many of the persons offering support to the woman don’t consider abortion to be anything wrong. However. very few persons would say that adultery is morally okay.

I guess it has to do with the religious views of the society/culture. I think you are saying both are wrong, however in the US most do not agree so. But surely you are not saying that since abortion is allowed, that adultery should be too, are you?

 

[rinnie]

Hmmm… many of the persons offering support to the woman don’t consider abortion to be anything wrong. However. very few persons would say that adultery is morally okay.

I guess it has to do with the religious views of the society/culture. I think you are saying both are wrong, however in the US most do not agree so. But surely you are not saying that since abortion is allowed, that adultery should be too, are you?

Exactly in our faith when a man cheats on his wife, or a women kills her baby its the same thing. A mortal sin. They separate themself from God. The problem is society wants to do away with Religion, but not sin. Kinda makes sense why the world is where it is today doesn’t it. They say the devil is comming beware, etc. What they do not know is for many he has been here. Its called greed, putting money above all.

 

[whatevergirl]

What about a regular family restaurant where a waitress tries to develop a personal connection with a customer to get repeat business?

The point is not to identify some threshold where the activity is “OK”. The point is that when we think of prostitution we narrow in on one small category which is the tip of the iceburg. While most men can see the obvious sin involved with hiring a call girl, some may not see such a sin with a hypothetical going to lunch at the Denny’s accross from where they work because rosy the waitress is always happy to see him and holds a pleasent, flirtatious conversation.

I think the problem with what we’re seeing with some of your replies, is that there is this underlying implication that ‘any woman’ will do, when a man is not happy at home. I think you’d be surprised at how many men AND women cheat on spouses who were good to them. That’s why affairs, and the like are usually brought about by people who lack something within themselves. That being said, I can totally see a woman whose husband is never around let’s say, feeling neglected and seeking male companionship. I can see that happening for a man, as well. (just using an example not saying I condone it)

But, you would be very surprised to know that many men who cheat, have wives who are good to them. They are seeking something that a marriage can’t fulfill, see. They don’t have a good connection with God, and thus they morally don’t see anything wrong with cheating, if it makes them ‘feel better’, so be it. MANY people who cheat, cheat on loving and caring spouses. Cheaters also have an unhealthy view of relationships and marriage–not wanting to sacrifice for the other.

Truly faithful and happily married men don’t turn their heads for a Denny’s waitress. They also don’t return flirtations. I saw a girl today downstairs in this cafe I go to, and she was flirting with one of the customers. He had a wedding ring on (he was standing in front of me on line) and paid her no attention whatsoever. He signed his credit card slip, and moved down the line. Who knows how happy in his marriage he is, but he is clearly married.

I don’t disagree with what you’re saying in some parts of this thread, but if you really look at people in your own circle of friends or family, who have cheated…look at their spouses. They probably were not the cause.

Men who go to prostitutes, while they could be looking for ‘comfort’ as you say, they are looking for a facade. Marriage isn’t a facade…it’s in your face, real life. It’s the good and the bad. Men who think that marriage should be a constant fantasy trip, shouldn’t get married. *

 

[Captain_America]

I’m a happily married male, ten years into marriage, and can’t seriously stomache the idea of hiring a prostitute. It would be bizarre in many ways.

I have found this an interesting thread to read! I understand it to be the case that as a group, men are more desirous of consequence and relationship free sex than women. Women’s sexuality seems to more likely include a relationship component (in a nutshell, this is why those women’s novels are pornographic without pictures).

I think men who hire prostitutes have to have some very serious troubles, and would do well to seek psychological counseling. There are different kinds of physical risks involved, social risks, emotional risks and spiritual risks. For some men, perhaps there’s a thrill of danger element. I do think many sexual sins are attractive because they require secrecy. People get addicted to shoplifting and become kleptomaniacs just from the secrecy buzz, even if they have more than enough money to buy stuff. Perhaps the prositution thing involves this.

I have to admit that I am startled at the whole economy of pornography and prostitution. It would be interesting to know how much is annually involved in this black market of sorts. Thousands of women, millions of dollars, billions of secrets.