Why do people assume I am judging them?

[mommamaree]

I am struggling with this question. Many times throughout my life, I have had people say to me the equivalent of “stop judging me!”, which surprises me because I had not been doing so. I have also been informed by people who become close friends that they initially thought that I hated them, or that I was judging them, and then they felt silly when they realized I was not doing so. I am both loquacious, under the right conditions, and reserved, when I feel uncomfortable. My face happens to show emotion very easily. I have been told that I am very expressive with my face, both happy and sad. I imagine feeling reserved also is written all over my face. When in public, like at the store, I have tried to paint a bland expression, like a little friendly smile, on my face, in order to avoid giving offense. But with large eyes and a pronounced mouth, and with the fact that I remain silent until I have something to say that feels worth saying, my facial expressions and my vocal pronouncements appear to have a greater impact upon others that most people have. I do not know how to mitigate this. People tell me that I am one of the kindest people they know, and that they like my smile, but the lack of a smile impacts them dramatically. My kids reflect the same truth to me in how I correct them. If I correct them with an amused expression, they bounce back more quickly than if I allow any disappointment to show on my face. This is really hard for me. I don’t know how to mitigate this, and it is really affecting me. People read things on my face that are not in my heart, merely due to the absence of a smile. Like my face was meant for a smile and without one, people assume the worst! Please help if you have any experience with this or any insights into what I may do to change this so I do not inadvertantly send the wrong message.

 

[Zekariya]

A few possible reasons people may believe that someone is judging them (this is a generic list, I do not direct this at you personally ):

1. People who judge others a more likely to believe that others are judging them (i.e. they project).
2. A non-religious person may feel judged by those he knows are religious.
3. Maybe things that you have said has come off as judging.
4. Maybe you are judging people and don’t realize it.
5. Intuition - If you are judging people without saying anything, some can sense your judging them.
6. A person may have a past event where they were severely judged and, therefore, are sensitive towards anything that sounds judgmental.
7. These days, you can be called judgmental just for disagreeing with someone’s political or religious views.

This is from my experience. And, I happen to be one of those people who can sense a judgmental person from intuition.

 

[mommamaree]

A few possible reasons people may believe that someone is judging them (this is a generic list, I do not direct this at you personally ):

1. People who judge others a more likely to believe that others are judging them (i.e. they project).
2. A non-religious person may feel judged by those he knows are religious.
3. Maybe things that you have said has come off as judging.
4. Maybe you are judging people and don’t realize it.
5. Intuition - If you are judging people without saying anything, some can sense your judging them.

This is from my experience. And, I happen to be one of those people who can sense a judgmental person from intuition.

#1 is likely a good portion of the time.
#2 is likely only recently, because I only converted a few years ago and most of the people with whom I have had this sort of frank conversation are also religious, to varying degrees.
#3 is also likely. Recently, I had a painful conversation with a person with whom I have had a rocky relationship due to this issue. She admits she was reading into my remarks things she now knows was not there, primarily due to her feeling inadequate and afraid of being judged.
#4 How would I figure out if I am judging people without realizing it? I would want to improve on this if I can. How can I figure this out?
#5 If I do have reservations about someone’s behavior, unless I have a context where it would be appropriate to speak with them, I am likely to remain silent. Sometimes people do questionable things. But I am not going to go around calling them out. What do I do to be careful not to hurt someone inadvertantly if I am concerned, but it is not proper for me to speak with them?

Thanks for your feedback!

 

[Zekariya]

#4 How would I figure out if I am judging people without realizing it? I would want to improve on this if I can. How can I figure this out?

Making an evening examination of your day and your sins would be the best way discover errors. We judge people more often than we realize.

[St Moses the Black said:] ‘If the monk does not think in his heart that he is a sinner, God will not hear him.’ The brother said, ‘What does that mean, to think in his heart that he is a sinner?’ Then the old man [St Moses] said, ‘When someone is occupied with his own faults, he does not see those of his neighbour.’

 

[mommamaree]

Making an evening examination of your day and your sins would be the best way discover errors. We judge people more often than we realize.

[St Moses the Black said:] ‘If the monk does not think in his heart that he is a sinner, God will not hear him.’ The brother said, ‘What does that mean, to think in his heart that he is a sinner?’ Then the old man [St Moses] said, ‘When someone is occupied with his own faults, he does not see those of his neighbour.’

I hear ya! I am already so often very cognizant of my errors, which is why I am often surprised when someone feels judged by me. I am thinking in my heart “mea culpa” and they see “I judge you”. I will think and pray on this some more. I seriously doubt that anyone ever felt “judged” by our Lord Jesus or His Blessed Mother, except the hypocrites. But people who were not setting themselves up over others, those people received only compassion and encouragement to do good. Hmmm…definitely a lot of food for thought. Thank you!

 

[DarkLight]

You might ask some people what your “neutral” expression looks like to them. You might be one of those people whose neutral expression looks “sour” to others.

 

[seagal]

I hear ya! I am already so often very cognizant of my errors, which is why I am often surprised when someone feels judged by me. I am thinking in my heart “mea culpa” and they see “I judge you”. I will think and pray on this some more. I seriously doubt that anyone ever felt “judged” by our Lord Jesus or His Blessed Mother, except the hypocrites. But people who were not setting themselves up over others, those people received only compassion and encouragement to do good. Hmmm…definitely a lot of food for thought. Thank you!

Have you asked others why you seem to come across that way? I tend to speak frankly so I have to self-edit a lot so I can get my message across without sounding negative.

You might ask some people what your “neutral” expression looks like to them. You might be one of those people whose neutral expression looks “sour” to others.

I was going to say this but DarkLight beat me to it.

 

[Jessie5000]

I am struggling with this question. Many times throughout my life, I have had people say to me the equivalent of “stop judging me!”, which surprises me because I had not been doing so. I have also been informed by people who become close friends that they initially thought that I hated them, or that I was judging them, and then they felt silly when they realized I was not doing so. I am both loquacious, under the right conditions, and reserved, when I feel uncomfortable. My face happens to show emotion very easily. I have been told that I am very expressive with my face, both happy and sad. I imagine feeling reserved also is written all over my face. When in public, like at the store, I have tried to paint a bland expression, like a little friendly smile, on my face, in order to avoid giving offense. But with large eyes and a pronounced mouth, and with the fact that I remain silent until I have something to say that feels worth saying, my facial expressions and my vocal pronouncements appear to have a greater impact upon others that most people have. I do not know how to mitigate this. People tell me that I am one of the kindest people they know, and that they like my smile, but the lack of a smile impacts them dramatically. My kids reflect the same truth to me in how I correct them. If I correct them with an amused expression, they bounce back more quickly than if I allow any disappointment to show on my face. This is really hard for me. I don’t know how to mitigate this, and it is really affecting me. People read things on my face that are not in my heart, merely due to the absence of a smile. Like my face was meant for a smile and without one, people assume the worst! Please help if you have any experience with this or any insights into what I may do to change this so I do not inadvertantly send the wrong message.

I do not think there is much we can do to change the perceptions that people may falsely hold about us. Personally, I care little what people think of me but care more about my inner life and whether I am conforming to the will of God and whether I am trying to be a good ambassador in the service of Christ. One way or another, people often have opinions and judgements about others and I possess little, if any, influence over their opinions and judgements. I do, however, have control over my actions and figure if we try to love others and search for ways to be loving as we imitate Christ w and pray for the grace to not care what others think of us and pray that we are bless by grace to care and understand how deeply God loves us and how this embraced reality is transformative. After all we are not called to the kingdom of this world but to the kingdom of God.

 

[mommamaree]

You might ask some people what your “neutral” expression looks like to them. You might be one of those people whose neutral expression looks “sour” to others.

I have done so. I have asked my MIL, my husband, and my sister. I have asked for an honest answer. All of them have said that it is not a problem with me, but that my face is open and friendly and that people expect a smile with a face like that, so if I am concentrating or thinking and my face is not smiling, people might think the worse, simply for lack of an expected smile. They also told me not to change, almost begging me not to worry. Lol. They are so good to me. They furthermore are also aware that many of the don’t judge me comments have come from people who would like to manipulate me. They also said that since I am very soft-spoken, when I do speak up about anything, even just in pleasant conversation, it makes more of an impact. I have been addressing this as best as I can, but this just keeps arising. Finally, I hesitate to mention this because it sounds horribly arrogant, but they have said that because of the fact that I am kind and that I made good choices in life and have a happy family life and good education that helps my family and whatnot, that people self-convict and get offended over their own thoughts. But just in case they’re just too loving to tell me the truth, I thought I would check here, where nobody knows what I look like, to see if there are other possibilities to consider. So far, I have explored all of these possibilities with close family and friends. Thanks. I will keep working at it and praying about it.

 

[Emese]

A few possible reasons people may believe that someone is judging them (this is a generic list, I do not direct this at you personally ):

1. People who judge others a more likely to believe that others are judging them (i.e. they project).
2. A non-religious person may feel judged by those he knows are religious.
3. Maybe things that you have said has come off as judging.
4. Maybe you are judging people and don’t realize it.
5. Intuition - If you are judging people without saying anything, some can sense your judging them.
6. A person may have a past event where they were severely judged and, therefore, are sensitive towards anything that sounds judgmental.
7. These days, you can be called judgmental just for disagreeing with someone’s political or religious views.

This is from my experience. And, I happen to be one of those people who can sense a judgmental person from intuition.

This is a very good list !
OP, if you feel you have an expressive face and you find it difficult to hide your emotions at times, than it is almost like saying: your face “gives it away”. It probably shows your most inner, unintentional, unconscious feelings/thoughts. I think a possible way to go about transforming our inner self on this is maybe to learn to understand people better. Littlebit like trying to look at them through God’s eyes, who loves us all and equally.
And when you say that after getting to know you, people do realize that you are not judgemental at all, is like saying: after you get to know people, you do truly come to except them the way they are and you learn to love them unconditionally. So it could just be an initial preconception type of thing that you usually overcome with time.
With all that said, I do believe that no.1. happens a lot too! People do project! When this happens I usually ask (God) for guidance and affirmation to help me understand if it is something I need to work on and how.

 

[LegoGE1947]

Making an evening examination of your day and your sins would be the best way discover errors. We judge people more often than we realize.

[St Moses the Black said:] ‘If the monk does not think in his heart that he is a sinner, God will not hear him.’ The brother said, ‘What does that mean, to think in his heart that he is a sinner?’ Then the old man [St Moses] said, ‘When someone is occupied with his own faults, he does not see those of his neighbour.’

If you wear a black robe and sit at a desk with a gavel and say things like " order in the court" people might think you are a judge!