Why do people let there marriage fail?

  • Thread starter Thread starter excaliber
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

excaliber

Guest
I Listened to my friends wife tell
me that she was done with there marriage. She said the whole marriage was a waist of time.
I constantly hear my married friends complain.
My mom and dad got a divorce.
Why do people ruin each others life by acting so foolish.

I have heard wives yell and swear at there husbands and treat them bad, Its not possible that a Christian dose not know that this is wrong, so why then do people behave this way and act like there
marriage is to blame…its not the marriage its them obviously acting foolish.

Men have sex with women outside
there marriage and catch S.T.D’s
when they have a wife at home.
Women use sex as a tool to get there husband to do what they want.Again is there a christian that
dose not know this is wrong?

Finaly money.
We are in an economic crises! Is it your husbands fault? or wifes fault? So why blame them that bills piled up? “Oh if only you did not buy that car”…as if they knew
they would get laid of.

There is NO EXCUSE for grown christian men and women to act this way.

Now obviously a couple SHOULD have times when they may argue
because of a misunderstanding.
One may have bad habits that bother there mate and this may be tough to communicate. There are valid problems because we are not
perfect. But some do obviously
bad things then get upset when there marriage dose not go well.

Every marriage will need its routine corrections. But if one or the other behaved like a 3 year old. Why complain, they should expect things to be bad.

Or they marry alcoholics, or abusive violent people. Obviously we know that’s wrong, so why complain when you knew already?

Or someone will marry someone who is an alcoholic and abusive and neglects the family. So why then do they have 10 children and
put them all through that?

I just can’t understand this?
 
excaliber said:
I Listened to my friends wife tell
me that she was done with there marriage. She said the whole marriage was a waist of time.
I constantly hear my married friends complain.
My mom and dad got a divorce.
Why do people ruin each others life by acting so foolish.

I have heard wives yell and swear at there husbands and treat them bad, Its not possible that a Christian dose not know that this is wrong, so why then do people behave this way and act like there
marriage is to blame…its not the marriage its them obviously acting foolish.

Men have sex with women outside
there marriage and catch S.T.D’s
when they have a wife at home.
Women use sex as a tool to get there husband to do what they want.Again is there a christian that
dose not know this is wrong?

Finaly money.
We are in an economic crises! Is it your husbands fault? or wifes fault? So why blame them that bills piled up? “Oh if only you did not buy that car”…as if they knew
they would get laid of.

There is NO EXCUSE for grown christian men and women to act this way.

Now obviously a couple SHOULD have times when they may argue
because of a misunderstanding.
One may have bad habits that bother there mate and this may be tough to communicate. There are valid problems because we are not
perfect. But some do obviously
bad things then get upset when there marriage dose not go well.

Every marriage will need its routine corrections. But if one or the other behaved like a 3 year old. Why complain, they should expect things to be bad.

Or they marry alcoholics, or abusive violent people. Obviously we know that’s wrong, so why complain when you knew already?

Or someone will marry someone who is an alcoholic and abusive and neglects the family. So why then do they have 10 children and
put them all through that?

I just can’t understand this?
Click to expand...
This is good! That means you haven’t experienced it… Trust me. It’s just plain eaiser to succumb to the preasures and temptation to give up. To blame someone else. To decide that your needs come before the needs of others. The more affluent one is, the more likely it is to fall into the trap. I know. BTDT.

We’re human. As such we are weak. We live in a society that encourages selfishness rather than sacrafice. It is hard for us to live the way God wants us to. Eventually, without faith, we succumb to the temptation of the evils of the world.
 
I agree there are many times when one or both spouses ALLOW their marriage to fail. However, not every failed marriage was allowed by BOTH spouses. A 40 y.o. alcholic may not have been obvious at 20 or 22. Not all addicts are addicts on the day of thier marriage. They subcomb later. A relatively responsible and mature 25 y.o., without growth will cause an uneven yolk at 40 that did not exist at 25. Before the level of daily responsibilities increase (like in having children), a spouse’s refusal to step up and share equally in those duties would be unknown. Severe depression a spouse refuses to treat and renders them immobile can happen after the ‘I do’s’. Not everything can be known before it happens. The level of sacrifice, humility and servitude becomes so intense it takes great trust and reliance on God’s grace to sustain you through it. What about the spouse who allows themself to fall deeper and deeper into sin. They then try to drag thier spouse into sin with them. They also become emotionally or maybe even physically abusive…

I agree **too **often spouses see marriage all about themself and what they get from it. However, I think we need to refrain from prejudging others without knowing what really is or was going on in thier life.
 
Human beings are all on a journey. Some were abused as children…some were lucky and blessed.

Often our childhoods are reapeated in our adulthood. We want to do well…we mean to do well, but we end up living the mistakes we saw as children.

Sometimes we are able to overcome great traumas and we heal. Then we are able to find a healthy marriage. Some of us are too trampled on to know what’s best for us. We are often attracted to dangerous relationships. We are attracted to the wrong people.

Some of us are blessed with a loving family and we are pretty together as adults. We are able to go on a find a pretty good marriage. Some of us blessed people end up in a not so good marriage for whatever reason.

We are emotionally charged…we are animals seeking love. Some of us are healthy and some of us are not so healthy. A healthy person would not ruin their marriage, but a not so healthy person may not know any better.

I don’t think anyone wakes up and says, I want to find someone so I can have kids and then get divorced. Some of us are just more dysfunctional than others.
 
Regarding the abuse part, if you read one of Liberanosamalo’s threads, you can see that abusive people can be very good at hiding those tendencies. They wouldn’t do it before marriage, they wait till after they “trap” you and then it’s too scary to leave. Or when it starts, it’s so subtle but keeps building up and you have cycles when, after the abuse, you have a honeymoon/make up period where the abusive partner expresses remorse. There is a lot of manipulation and mind games. Once the abused partner realizes that it isn’t going away and that they should leave, it could be too dangerous. The most dangerous time is when you’re choosing to leave. Sometimes, going to the police doesn’t help and does more harm than good. It’s frightening.

People think, “Oh he/she just has a bad temper, but it will blow over.” It’s hard to believe that someone who kisses you tenderly, gives you flowers, tells you that you’re beautiful and holds you in their arms one day could slam you against a wall, beat you and call you names the next. Then it MUST be your fault. And if they have a good reputation in the community, people may not believe you when you WANT out. Or they could isolate you from your family and friends so that you CAN’T get out.

It’s easy to say that “they should have known better.” It’s easier when you’re not the one with black eyes, broken bones, and a broken heart, as well as a guilty conscience because they DID have children and now their babies are suffering.
 
Who “lets” their marriages fail?

Each person is prone to sin, to stress, to misunderstandings, to miscommunication, to weariness, to temptation, to expectations that we don’t realize can’t be met by another person, to unfulfilled hopes, to disappointments, to illness, to addiction… Now put two people together who are deeply connected and stick a giant bullseye on their collective back because we all know Satan attacks marriages continually, from within and outside. THAT is why marriages suffer. People don’t usually choose to “let” their marriages fail. That’s like scratching our heads and asking “how can any catholic commit a mortal sin knowing the consequences?” It’s not right but it happens all the time.

Also couples may not realize issues, may not identify what are the real problems in their marriage and also may not know how to even deal with them or fix them. Couples usually try to fix their problems but the road is very difficult even if both are willing to try.

Actually, these days, I wonder how any marriages remain solid and strong, honestly satisfying each spouse.
 
My parents got a divorce too, and I know exactly what you are saying.
I love this movie I saw a couple years ago where the parents decided to get
a divorce. The kids got a lawyer, and the kids got the house! The parents
were ordered that they would have to be the ones juggled back and forth
between homes to visit their children! Somehow, the parents decided that they
didn’t actually want to get a divorce after all… 👍
 
SarahR said:
Who “lets” their marriages fail?

Each person is prone to sin, to stress, to misunderstandings, to miscommunication, to weariness, to temptation, to expectations that we don’t realize can’t be met by another person, to unfulfilled hopes, to disappointments, to illness, to addiction… Now put two people together who are deeply connected and stick a giant bullseye on their collective back because we all know Satan attacks marriages continually, from within and outside. THAT is why marriages suffer. People don’t usually choose to “let” their marriages fail. That’s like scratching our heads and asking “how can any catholic commit a mortal sin knowing the consequences?” It’s not right but it happens all the time.

Also couples may not realize issues, may not identify what are the real problems in their marriage and also may not know how to even deal with them or fix them. Couples usually try to fix their problems but the road is very difficult even if both are willing to try.

Actually, these days, I wonder how any marriages remain solid and strong, honestly satisfying each spouse.
Click to expand...
This was a very good post.
Adam and eve is a story that shows the devil turning one spouse against God, then the other
soon followed.
 
some people actually court divorce by their sinful actions
some allow it to happen by ignoring problems and simple selfishness and human blindness
others have divorce thrust upon them as innocent victims of a destructive spouse.

People let their marriage fail for the same reason they fail in other areas of life: human propensity to selfishness and sin.

but just because some fail does not mean others are not successful in maintaining a healthy marriage, any more than because some people sin, others are not capable of holiness. Nor does it mean those who fail and those who sin cannot be raised from that condition by Christ’s grace and grow in love and knowledge of God even in spite of failure and sin.
 
puzzleannie said:
some people actually court divorce by their sinful actions
some allow it to happen by ignoring problems and simple selfishness and human blindness
others have divorce thrust upon them as innocent victims of a destructive spouse.

People let their marriage fail for the same reason they fail in other areas of life: human propensity to selfishness and sin.

but just because some fail does not mean others are not successful in maintaining a healthy marriage, any more than because some people sin, others are not capable of holiness. Nor does it mean those who fail and those who sin cannot be raised from that condition by Christ’s grace and grow in love and knowledge of God even in spite of failure and sin.
Click to expand...
I am not sure that a persons failures in there single state, carries over to there married state. Is it not true that your spouse can make you a better person. And children can make you more responsible.

Mabey my problem is that I am trying to break it down to an exact
sience.
 
Only if you allow yourself to grow. But you can’t fix people just because they’re your spouse. Many people accept the new responsibilities marriage and children bring. But many, many people back out once it “gets too hard”. Many people go in thinking it will be all romance and sunshine and flowers but forget that married people have ordinary days too. People change, too.

Ideally, yes, it should make you a better person. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
 
I am convinced that most marriages fail, because most people don’t understand what marriage. After 20 years of marriage, I think I have a pretty good idea…

**Marriage is suffering. Marriage is degredation. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is the complete loss of dignity. **

I have come to accept this reality, after years of trying to fight it - years of trying to make a “better marriage” or a “happy marriage” or a “healthy, balanced marriage”. I tried it all - counselors, self-help books, pastoral care - the works. It was a waste of time and money.

I eventually came to the realization that marriage is, by design, a form of suffering. We suffer for the benefit of our spouses, children, and society. Anyone who is thinking of marriage needs to realize this, and come to accept it. Given enough time, your marriage will make your miserable.

Just as smoking 2 packs a day will lead to lung disease, and drinking a fifth of vodka each day will leave to liver disease, marriage will lead to misery. It is inevitable.

==============================================================

Classic case: tonight, my wife is out buying a new $25,000 SUV for herself. I am rolling down the road in a 9-year old, beat-up economy car, with a 111,000 miles on it. My wife have purchased 5 cars, since I bought my last one. And my wife is doing this, despite the fact that I lost my job back in February.

My wife is abusrdly selfish and narcissistic. I don’t like this fact - but I accept it. I have given up trying to change my wife, or my marriage. She is who she is, and nothing is going to change her. Marriage to her is humiliating and belittling - but I endure, every day. It is part and parcel of the marriage experience.

=============================================================

Think my attitude is non-Christian? Guess again. It is from the core of Christian understanding of marriage.

A Christian marriage should mirror the relationship between Christ and His Church. Christ suffered and died for His Church. So we as Christians should suffer for our spouses.

Want to see an example of an ideal marriage? Look at a crucifix. Christ was willing to be nailed to a tree for His Bride. That is the type of sacrificial love that Christ had for His people. We must be capable of the same, if we want to be true disciples.

==============================================================

I really think that every pre-Canaa program in the country should focus on this fact. If every Catholic man and woman understood this fact, before they took their vows of marriage, then the divorce rate among Catholics would be much lower.

My pre-Canaa counseling was a joke. It was instructions on how to live together as a couple, manage finances, raise children within the Church. That is important, but it does not teach the essential truth of marriage - it is pure, absolute, excruciating torture. I wish I would have known that 20 years ago - adapting to marriage would have been a lot simpler.

I don’t do pre-Canaa counseling (my vocation consists of youth ministry, instead.) But if I did that type of counseling, I would lay it straight, to the young, fresh-faced men and women who come to me. I would tell them this: **If you want to participate in marriage, then you have to be willing to endure humiliation - the type of which would make a circus clown cringe. **
 
mrpathetic said:
I am convinced that most marriages fail, because most people don’t understand what marriage. After 20 years of marriage, I think I have a pretty good idea…

**Marriage is suffering. Marriage is degredation. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is the complete loss of dignity. **

I have come to accept this reality, after years of trying to fight it - years of trying to make a “better marriage” or a “happy marriage” or a “healthy, balanced marriage”. I tried it all - counselors, self-help books, pastoral care - the works. It was a waste of time and money.

I eventually came to the realization that marriage is, by design, a form of suffering. We suffer for the benefit of our spouses, children, and society. Anyone who is thinking of marriage needs to realize this, and come to accept it. Given enough time, your marriage will make your miserable.

Just as smoking 2 packs a day will lead to lung disease, and drinking a fifth of vodka each day will leave to liver disease, marriage will lead to misery. It is inevitable.

==============================================================

Classic case: tonight, my wife is out buying a new $25,000 SUV for herself. I am rolling down the road in a 9-year old, beat-up economy car, with a 111,000 miles on it. My wife have purchased 5 cars, since I bought my last one. And my wife is doing this, despite the fact that I lost my job back in February.

My wife is abusrdly selfish and narcissistic. I don’t like this fact - but I accept it. I have given up trying to change my wife, or my marriage. She is who she is, and nothing is going to change her. Marriage to her is humiliating and belittling - but I endure, every day. It is part and parcel of the marriage experience.

=============================================================

Think my attitude is non-Christian? Guess again. It is from the core of Christian understanding of marriage.

A Christian marriage should mirror the relationship between Christ and His Church. Christ suffered and died for His Church. So we as Christians should suffer for our spouses.

Want to see an example of an ideal marriage? Look at a crucifix. Christ was willing to be nailed to a tree for His Bride. That is the type of sacrificial love that Christ had for His people. We must be capable of the same, if we want to be true disciples.

==============================================================

I really think that every pre-Canaa program in the country should focus on this fact. If every Catholic man and woman understood this fact, before they took their vows of marriage, then the divorce rate among Catholics would be much lower.

My pre-Canaa counseling was a joke. It was instructions on how to live together as a couple, manage finances, raise children within the Church. That is important, but it does not teach the essential truth of marriage - it is pure, absolute, excruciating torture. I wish I would have known that 20 years ago - adapting to marriage would have been a lot simpler.

I don’t do pre-Canaa counseling (my vocation consists of youth ministry, instead.) But if I did that type of counseling, I would lay it straight, to the young, fresh-faced men and women who come to me. I would tell them this: **If you want to participate in marriage, then you have to be willing to endure humiliation - the type of which would make a circus clown cringe. **
Click to expand...
I believe you torture YOURSELF
more then your husband or wife.
I don’t have your 20 years, and yet
I noticed that you did not list the Good and the trials, you only listed
the trials.

For example, if my wife was getting an suv (I am assuming she
can pay for it) and I still have my old car. I personaly probably would be happy our household had
2 vehicles, which many don’t.

How is it COMPLETELY humiliation?
I have seen people in such poverty
that they did not have ANY car, they were worried about there next meal. My wife having a new car is just not the end of the world
to me…but that’s just me.

Do you have anything else to show
that it is complete torture?
 
excaliber said:
How is it COMPLETELY humiliation?

Do you have anything else to show
that it is complete torture?
Click to expand...
Yes. See this post that I started last year:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=275169

I don’t have time to retype all the information here.

Look, I am no ingrate. I am grateful to the Lord, for all the good things that He has given me. I realize fully that I have much more than many people in this world. I am not a rich man, and there are those who are much poorer than I am.

But honestly, I would probably trade it all, for a wife that was faithful, loyal, obedient, and frugal. Seriously.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top