Why do people make it seem like a sin for mothers to work?

[angell1]

unless it’s dire need, why do some catholics make it almost seem like a sin for mothers to work? is every woman really supposed to be called to spend all their days at home?

my mom was a sahm and I’m telling you, she hated it. and gues who gets the blame for it now? yeah, me

and it was way, way too much time I spent around her, I could never get a break, she is also the very authoritarian type of parent with constant discipline and difficulty actually showing love and affection. don’t gt me wrong, I know she loves me and wants what’s best, but she just doesn’t know how to say it

so if you want to be a sahm, make it your own decision, please don’t blame your child for it later. now, every time I want to discuss future plans with her, I get a response like “well, I had a future but I had to give it all up for you, so life isn’t about what you want to do, it’s about what you have to do”. not that I’m saying that any of you do this, it’s just my experience

also, why is cahotlic piety seemingly based on how many children one has. I’m tired of people telling me I’m spoiled because I’m basically an only child and only children are selfish because they don’t know how to share, etc…

why do people make you feel guilty if you feel like you can only handle one child or need something else besides child rearing to stimilute you? obviously, I don’t think people should be selfish, but working and having less children doesn’t equate to selfishness does it?

 

[Xantippe]

unless it’s dire need, why do some catholics make it almost seem like a sin for mothers to work? is every woman really supposed to be called to spend all their days at home?

my mom was a sahm and I’m telling you, she hated it. and gues who gets the blame for it now? yeah, me

and it was way, way too much time I spent around her, I could never get a break, she is also the very authoritarian type of parent with constant discipline and difficulty actually showing love and affection. don’t gt me wrong, I know she loves me and wants what’s best, but she just doesn’t know how to say it

so if you want to be a sahm, make it your own decision, please don’t blame your child for it later. now, every time I want to discuss future plans with her, I get a response like “well, I had a future but I had to give it all up for you, so life isn’t about what you want to do, it’s about what you have to do”. not that I’m saying that any of you do this, it’s just my experience

also, why is cahotlic piety seemingly based on how many children one has. I’m tired of people telling me I’m spoiled because I’m basically an only child and only children are selfish because they don’t know how to share, etc…

why do people make you feel guilty if you feel like you can only handle one child or need something else besides child rearing to stimilute you? obviously, I don’t think people should be selfish, but working and having less children doesn’t equate to selfishness does it?

When people tell you that you are spoiled and don’t know how to share because you are an only child, ask to borrow their iPad or car for the weekend.

 

[ahs]

unless it’s dire need, why do some catholics make it almost seem like a sin for mothers to work? is every woman really supposed to be called to spend all their days at home?

Some people take a different perspective or sense of responsibility to raising one’s children and teaching them the faith.

also, why is cahotlic piety seemingly based on how many children one has. I’m tired of people telling me I’m spoiled because I’m basically an only child and only children are selfish because they don’t know how to share, etc…

It isn’t, except in the minds of some individuals.

why do people make you feel guilty if you feel like you can only handle one child or need something else besides child rearing to stimilute you? obviously, I don’t think people should be selfish, but working and having less children doesn’t equate to selfishness does it?

No one can make you feel guilty.

 

[Linybaby]

I don’t think anyone has a right to look at anyone and judge them for the decisions they make. A family has a right to decide what’s best for them, including but not limited to, size of a family, a SAHM verses a working mom and schooling options for their child(ren).

I certainly think whatever decision is made should not be blamed on the children. I feel sorry for you that your mom has given you a guilt trip for her decisions that she made.

I personally am a SAHM and at times I wish I went to work but I know deep down I could not handle it physically. I do not let anyone talk me like I am making a bad decision. I tell people that I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree.

I was also an only child (grew up an only child as I am my mothers only child and learned in my twenties I had siblings from my father and his previous marriage) and I am far from selfish. I received the same comments but simply told them that was far from the truth. I don’t care want other think of me as long as I know the truth and of course Jesus knows the truth

 

[pensmama87]

I am personally of the opinion that if parents can afford to have one parent stay home, it makes sense to do so at least as long as there are children who are not in school yet, and due to the nature of pregnancy and the needs of very young children, it would also make sense in most cases for that parent to be the mother. My opinion on this was formed by my experiences growing up (my mom was a SAHM which was rare in our social circles), and my experiences as a teacher and as a daytime babysitter. However, I wouldn’t dream of telling another family, “Mom, you should quit your job and stay home with your kids.” I don’t know what goes on outside of the interactions I have with that family. I’m also not strictly a SAHM myself as I work from home, even though I’d really love to be once our next baby comes.

I also think that if a parent stays at home, it’s important to not be isolated. Have other parents you can meet with for playdates and maybe even a couple evenings out without the kids - but they still “get you” and know what your life is like. I almost never see my college buddies that don’t have kids - I like them, but four years into parenting I just have nothing in common with them anymore. I used to be annoyed that I could never go out and blah blah blah, pity party for pensmama - but the fact is I CAN go out, with some planning and if I am going to spend it with people who know that staying out past 9pm is not realistic most of the time (except for those awesome times when the grandparents agree to watch kids overnight! And even then it’s home by 10pm, because I am TIRED.)

It sounds like your mom didn’t figure that out. It’s wrong for her to blame you, but there’s not much you can do about it except refuse to listen to it. Which goes for pretty much anytime a person decides to spout off without knowing what they’re talking about.

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s not a sin.
For some families it is absolutely necessary for both parents to work…just so the bills get paid.
It’s also not a sin for a mother to decide that she wants to work…even if it’s financially feasible for her to stay home and be a mother.

Some people feel strongly about this topic and it may seem as though a lot of them look down on moms who choose to work.

I was a stay at home for both of my daughter’s first couple of years. Personally, I didn’t really enjoy it. I don’t like being a stay at home mom.
Unfortunately for us…funds have been seriously tight and my husband and I going out for anything can really only happen twice a year. Our anniversary and we alternate our birthdays each year.
We also only have had one car between the two of us for much of our marriage. So whoever has been at home…is at home with the kids all day.

It’s ridiculously tough and I think it’s why I dislike being a stay at home mom and why my husband seriously dislikes being a stay at home dad.
Both of us are trying hard to get our degrees and change our circumstances.

Like Pensmama said….being able to go out with friends, go on play dates and have date night with your husband…would help break up the monotony of being at home with the kids all day.
Right now…for us…this absolutely out of the question without a second car and without any extra cash on hand.

I think this is why I’m completely convinced that I don’t want any more kids after this third one is born.
I’m very comfortable saying I’m done having children regardless of the Church teaches and what everyone else’s opinion is about having lots of kids.
No, I won’t use anything but NFP because it’s a mortal sin not to….but we will make sure that this third baby is our last.

Personally…I think it’s a good thing to be able to stay at home and raise children until they are ready to go to school or if you plan to homeschool.
I would be happy to stay at home with my kids if we weren’t so handicapped by our financial situation.

But, I hate it and so does my husband. It’s not something we enjoy at all. We love our kids but it’s too much for us to be at home with them all day every day…without a break or an outlet to look forward to.

My husband has some church activities for men that he is involved with but right now…there is nothing that they offer for women or for mothers.

 

[angell1]

well, English is not my mom’s first language, so she wouldn’t really have been able to teach me a homeschool curriculum anyways

I just don’t like taking the blame for her decisions, she had a child, I didn’t force myself fo be here and she also chose to stay home, I didn’t make her do it either. I guess she felt obligated because of my disability

don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her sacrifices, but it seems like she was unwilling to make them sometimes.

she made her life all about raising me and now has no way of letting go and finding purpose in other things.

I mean there’s more too, my dad was working three jobs at one point and I basically never saw him. not a good situation either. I didn’t even want to call him dad because he felt like a stranger.

then he complained that my mom wasn’t helping the household so she tried to do some home business stuff and also some real estate which ended in a disaster, when my dad had two affiars, one with a lady client and another with a neighbor.

then things really started going off the rails, my dad blamed my mom for being available for the family and his needs because she was working, even though he was the one who told her to in the first place. and my mom blamed me for not keeping a close enough eye on my dad, as if an 11 year old knew anything about adult men and their strayings.

they’re still together now, but the last 12 years or so have not been pretty. sometimes, I think they just do it because it’s easier. all of this has caused both of them to be quite unstable

they have done a lot of good for me too though. I learned independence, well, sometimes and they did start going back to church again after the affairs.

but there are still a lot of emotional moments, which are really hard to handle for me because they are so irrational

 

[Xantippe]

well, English is not my mom’s first language, so she wouldn’t really have been able to teach me a homeschool curriculum anyways

I just don’t like taking the blame for her decisions, she had a child, I didn’t force myself fo be here and she also chose to stay home, I didn’t make her do it either. I guess she felt obligated because of my disability

don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her sacrifices, but it seems like she was unwilling to make them sometimes.

she made her life all about raising me and now has no way of letting go and finding purpose in other things.

I mean there’s more too, my dad was working three jobs at one point and I basically never saw him. not a good situation either. I didn’t even want to call him dad because he felt like a stranger.

then he complained that my mom wasn’t helping the household so she tried to do some home business stuff and also some real estate which ended in a disaster, when my dad had two affiars, one with a lady client and another with a neighbor.

then things really started going off the rails, my dad blamed my mom for being available for the family and his needs because she was working, even though he was the one who told her to in the first place. and my mom blamed me for not keeping a close enough eye on my dad, as if an 11 year old knew anything about adult men and their strayings.

they’re still together now, but the last 12 years or so have not been pretty. sometimes, I think they just do it because it’s easier. all of this has caused both of them to be quite unstable

they have done a lot of good for me too though. I learned independence, well, sometimes and they did start going back to church again after the affairs.

but there are still a lot of emotional moments, which are really hard to handle for me because they are so irrational

How about some therapy for you?

 

[pensmama87]

Like Pensmama said….being able to go out with friends, go on play dates and have date night with your husband…would help break up the monotony of being at home with the kids all day.
Right now…for us…this absolutely out of the question without a second car and without any extra cash on hand.

When I say “out,” I do just mean out of the house. It doesn’t mean to anything that costs money, and most of the time it’s just me or my husband that goes out. We go to friends’ houses for discussions, book groups, or playing ancient video games (guess who does the last one. ) My husband and I don’t pay for babysitting when the two of us go out - I swap with friends or my in-laws babysit (we are fortunate that they live close). If we do go to a restaurant or an event we have to pay for, it’s been Grouponed or otherwise at a severe discount. Otherwise we might go to a library lecture, free concert, etc. I also have an hour of Adoration once per week. Sometimes I go grocery shopping by myself and that alone can feel luxurious.

Of course, if the gas money itself breaks the bank, then that’s the situation. But I learned that even though we are on a super tight budget, for me to remain sane I have to get out of the house every once in a while (with my extreme introversion and all). Both my husband and I get $25 per month to spend however we choose. We’re lucky that we live in a pretty densely populated area and that there is a lot close by. But mostly what I do is the equivalent of Little House quilting circles and the like.

 

[angell1]

How about some therapy for you?

trust me, out of everyone in my family, I’m not the one that really needs it.

 

[pensmama87]

trust me, out of everyone in my family, I’m not the one that really needs it.

I’m of the opinion that pretty much anyone can benefit from therapy if they find a good therapist. And one of the great benefits to therapy can be learning how to deal with the people in your life who could really use therapy too, but refuse to acknowledge it.

 

[St_Francis]

trust me, out of everyone in my family, I’m not the one that really needs it.

Yeah, but you might be the only one who thinks of doing it, and it might keep you as sane as you are now

Anyway, y’know, people are really crazy sometimes. They just seem to forget that other people’s lives are different and that what other people decide about their family is none of their business. There was s no reason for you to think twice about what those people in their ignorance (in both senses of the word!) say to you. If they annoy you, say a prayer for them, but keep your examination of conscience based on God’s Word and not the word of those who are apparently strangers.

 

[1ke]

unless it’s dire need, why do some catholics make it almost seem like a sin for mothers to work? is every woman really supposed to be called to spend all their days at home?

my mom was a sahm and I’m telling you, she hated it. and gues who gets the blame for it now? yeah, me

and it was way, way too much time I spent around her, I could never get a break, she is also the very authoritarian type of parent with constant discipline and difficulty actually showing love and affection. don’t gt me wrong, I know she loves me and wants what’s best, but she just doesn’t know how to say it

so if you want to be a sahm, make it your own decision, please don’t blame your child for it later. now, every time I want to discuss future plans with her, I get a response like “well, I had a future but I had to give it all up for you, so life isn’t about what you want to do, it’s about what you have to do”. not that I’m saying that any of you do this, it’s just my experience

also, why is cahotlic piety seemingly based on how many children one has. I’m tired of people telling me I’m spoiled because I’m basically an only child and only children are selfish because they don’t know how to share, etc…

why do people make you feel guilty if you feel like you can only handle one child or need something else besides child rearing to stimilute you? obviously, I don’t think people should be selfish, but working and having less children doesn’t equate to selfishness does it?

Really, angel, I’m more than twice your age and have never encountered ANY of what you describe here as being the Catholic attitude. I must say, you are in a nest of snakes if these are the types of things you hear regularly. Perhaps over time, when you are exposed to more people and broader experiences you will begin to see that this is NOT a Catholic teaching or perspective that most would share.

Anyone picking on you for any reason should be taken out back and thoroughly pummeled. I have great respect for your pursuits in college. I know most of us who have our sight would freak out if we didn’t have it and probably sit at home feeling sorry for ourselves. You are not doing that. You go to college. You play on a sports team for those with disabilities. You ride the bus! Alone!

Good lord you have no idea how brave you are!

 

[angell1]

Really, angel, I’m more than twice your age and have never encountered ANY of what you describe here as being the Catholic attitude. I must say, you are in a nest of snakes if these are the types of things you hear regularly. Perhaps over time, when you are exposed to more people and broader experiences you will begin to see that this is NOT a Catholic teaching or perspective that most would share.

Anyone picking on you for any reason should be taken out back and thoroughly pummeled. I have great respect for your pursuits in college. I know most of us who have our sight would freak out if we didn’t have it and probably sit at home feeling sorry for ourselves. You are not doing that. You go to college. You play on a sports team for those with disabilities. You ride the bus! Alone!

Good lord you have no idea how brave you are!

no, I’m not braver than anyone else. life just goes on

I know you mean well but i’mt not somehow more inspiring than everone else just because I don’t wallow in my own misery at home like everyone expects me to.

you don’t miss something you have never had.

and it’s everyone else’s opinions that make my life the most difficult. the worst thing you can do for a person is to have low expectations for them

I feel bad that my parents had to were labled as bad parents for attempting to let me do things on my own, like play on the playground, or walk down a flight of stairs. or were blamed for mmy disability because some apparent sin of theirs

I’m glad you have never had to hear some of the things I have, not very flattering, that’s for sure

 

[1ke]

no, I’m not braver than anyone else. life just goes on

I know you mean well but i’mt not somehow more inspiring than everone else just because I don’t wallow in my own misery at home like everyone expects me to.

you don’t miss something you have never had.

and it’s everyone else’s opinions that make my life the most difficult. the worst thing you can do for a person is to have low expectations for them

Didn’t mean to imply I had low expectations. I just meant that I know if I were in the same position, I don’t know how brave I’d be!

I feel bad that my parents had to were labled as bad parents for attempting to let me do things on my own, like play on the playground, or walk down a flight of stairs. or were blamed for mmy disability because some apparent sin of theirs

Yeah, that is pretty rotten. Sounds like your parents did a great job of trying to help you become independent. They could have babied and sheltered you, and they did not do that. To their credit. I know they had other issues, but thankfully you have some independence.

Honestly, I don’t know where you live but it must be one messed up place if this is the sort of thing you have heard from other people.

 

[pianistclare]

well, English is not my mom’s first language, so she wouldn’t really have been able to teach me a homeschool curriculum anyways

I just don’t like taking the blame for her decisions, she had a child, I didn’t force myself fo be here and she also chose to stay home, I didn’t make her do it either. I guess she felt obligated because of my disability

don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her sacrifices, but it seems like she was unwilling to make them sometimes.

she made her life all about raising me and now has no way of letting go and finding purpose in other things.

I mean there’s more too, my dad was working three jobs at one point and I basically never saw him. not a good situation either. I didn’t even want to call him dad because he felt like a stranger.

then he complained that my mom wasn’t helping the household so she tried to do some home business stuff and also some real estate which ended in a disaster, when my dad had two affiars, one with a lady client and another with a neighbor.

then things really started going off the rails, my dad blamed my mom for being available for the family and his needs because she was working, even though he was the one who told her to in the first place. and my mom blamed me for not keeping a close enough eye on my dad, as if an 11 year old knew anything about adult men and their strayings.

they’re still together now, but the last 12 years or so have not been pretty. sometimes, I think they just do it because it’s easier. all of this has caused both of them to be quite unstable

they have done a lot of good for me too though. I learned independence, well, sometimes and they did start going back to church again after the affairs.

but there are still a lot of emotional moments, which are really hard to handle for me because they are so irrational

I know you struggle with your parents. Pray for them.
one day you will on your own. For now…take a deep breath, see if they will consider talking to a priest. Be brave, stand tall.
A lot of it is cultural.

 

[angell1]

Didn’t mean to imply I had low expectations. I just meant that I know if I were in the same position, I don’t know how brave I’d be!

Yeah, that is pretty rotten. Sounds like your parents did a great job of trying to help you become independent. They could have babied and sheltered you, and they did not do that. To their credit. I know they had other issues, but thankfully you have some independence.

Honestly, I don’t know where you live but it must be one messed up place if this is the sort of thing you have heard from other people.

sorry, I didn’t mean I thought you had low expectations, I just meant in general, most people do.

even in well-meaning remarks sometimes. things like “wow, you eat your food so well, if I were in your positions, I would be using my hands like a caveman”, when would anyone think it’s appropriate to say that to another 24 year old adult? probably never

you’re right, my parents definitely did a lot of good things for me, their mountain of their own issues aside, but hotefully it will get better.

I guess I need to learn not to take on their issues as my issues and feel like it’s my fault

 

[angell1]

I know you struggle with your parents. Pray for them.
one day you will on your own. For now…take a deep breath, see if they will consider talking to a priest. Be brave, stand tall.
A lot of it is cultural.

yes, praying is definitely my top priority. not much else I can do really

 

[1ke]

I guess I need to learn not to take on their issues as my issues and feel like it’s my fault

There you go, that is it in a nutshell. Exactly what you will have to learn. We all have to learn that as young adults. Let go of what you cannot control. Let go of wishful expectations.

Our parents are just people. Flawed people doing the best the can.

 

[EasterJoy]

No matter what you do, someone is going to envy you and somebody is going to look down on you. It can hardly be helped.