Incidentally, awakening a man’s jealousy by granting some favours to a different man is a tactic not foresworn by even some women who actually subscribe to much loftier principles on an overall basis, and I suppose there is a male equivalent of such behaviour too, although I can’t think of anything specific. I don’t really want to lose myself in argument against the outlook that considers this kind of behaviour acceptable (but I will fight to the death against it if I need to) but I really hate it. Personally, I’d much rather be in a relationship with someone who didn’t feel that kind of need or were able to reign it in (I can tolerate much in a person whom I see struggling to improve), although I think that to some extent everybody does it, just normally not to such extremes.
I suppose people need to convince themselves empirically that the other person (friend or love interest) will not withdraw affection (which entails investments) once he or she discovers the quirks or faults, e.g. moodiness, occasional foul moods, laziness, addictions, annoying but not criticial habits. Or attitudes, beliefs etc. that are hard for others to take, e.g. the Catholic beliefs on sexual morality from the point of view of a secular person, as in where you make your objection to premarital sex known without a direct conversation but by weaving it in so that a person whom you are only starting to date or considering dating can decide that he or she isn’t interested (better sooner than later).
This may follow a similar mechanic as the boundary pushing we talk about but simply involve less intensity of such action, less persistency in it (less tenacity as well), as well as not involving seriously immoral actions (let’s say a smoker lighting a cigarette to witness first-hand how a non-smoker romantic interest will react, which is something I could very much see myself doing, although I’d normally observe reactions rather than provoking situations).
Like I said above, normal people just stop at some point, they probably also won’t cross certain lines (such as hurting someone on purpose, saying a direct lie, breaking a promise to test reaction, let alone cheating on a romantic partner) and do things which are too evil, too unfair, too destructive. Then again, normal people make blunders once in a while, they are certainly capable of doing something really dumb just to see if they will still be loved or accepted…
I suppose the most critical difference is that some people do this testing for an acceptable reason (e.g. exposing people to your normal behaviour as opposed to testing their tolerance of the extreme things which you might feel like doing and which you know are immoral), they observe the due limits of this (again, not crossing certain lines), and finally settle with the results, while others probe constantly and are always on the push, often just to see if they can get away with it or whatever will happen or to assert their freedom and ability to get away with things or have things their way (NPD behaviour?). I’m not a psychologist but I’d hazard a guess that it has something to do with self-esteem and a need for affirmation (e.g. a child who so strongly feels a need to be believed that he will stage a lie to see if the parents believe it, a spouse who cheats to see if the other spouse will still be so loving as now is probably similar to that child, I don’t know, arrested emotional development?).
This is how I have dealt with it in the pass. (immature but effective). I hated being tall. So I would say ‘I wish I was taller’. Then people would make fun of me for being short’ I would pretend it hurt so they would continue and NEVER make fun of me for what really hurt.
No need! That’s pretty attractive in a woman, at least to some men.
I couldn’t imagine having much of an intellectual life without conversations with people who challenge me to push my boundaries. And I doubt few people would make it through boot camp with someone (e.g., their drill sargeant) pushing their boundaries.
That’s a different thing from what we first talked about. Doesn’t involve them being jerks to you to see how much they can get away with. The drill sergeant is closer to it but not when he’s just pushing the recruits to try harder, only when he tests their tolerance for abuse that go against the regs and the law (e.g. cussing their mothers etc. like we see in films).
But I guess men are the same. Things women have liked in me have always made me uncomfortable.
Is this really enough to make someone an ex-friend or boyfriend over?