Why do people think that life will be happier when we are married?

[AnneElizabeth]

Actually, NO I’m NOT expecting him to make me happy…BECAUSE HE CAN’T. And his problems are VERY, VERY real. I do love him where he is, as well as God can expect me to be able to love him, given our circumstances (did you read that part?). We also cannot reconcile if he continually breaks our martial vows via his addiction. HE is the one saying he’s going to divorce me. I have NEVER said that. Not sure why you think I’m expecting him to make me happy, when I’ve said the opposite repeatedly. Do I have hang-ups and idiosyncrasies that probably irritate the **** out of him? I’m sure of it!! But to compare those with mental illness and addiction is comparing apples and oranges.

ONLY God can make me happy. The rest is gravy.

You know, I realize I come across as harsh. I’m sorry. I did read.

But here is what is bothering me and why I press on with the questioning… Are you saying God’s love and prayers and God’s work through you is not enough to save him? Is it all in vain? Does anything really happen when we do God’s will? Is not what God says real?

I read in your post that ‘you give up’… I saw that… that stuck out to me. That’s why I started to dig.

I’m just going to leave what I started here alone though because I do think I annoyed people here. If I seemed unloving of you to go at you like I did, i am very sorry… I see a problem I go after it. I lack tact in my enthusiasm to solve a problem.

However, one last thing… I think you are wrong about that last sentence… Its not that its comparing apples to oranges, but comparing a very small apple to a very large one. All sin stems from one root. My whole point here is that we can’t place others in some separate category of lost causes… even when they decide not to do good. They still need OUR hope! They still need to see real goodness for their hardness to subside. They can’t see at all while maybe we have quite a bit of light. And yes, that’s because we chose right, but does not God love them? Forgive me, but I have several people whom I love and want to know that there is hope for them… That’s what my digging into you (and marymary) is about… (because of what you have said here… it starts to erode my hope… that’s my problem I see now!

I will pray for your situation Sugabee.

 

[Bataar]

No I don’t think you are understanding the situation I am explaining here. I am not pointing fingers at anyone or saying that no one has their one issues. When someone.is needy for love that person lacks self esteem and has a negative view of him/her. A person like that due to the grass is greener on the other side mentality expects someone else to come and make.me.happy. If I have self hatred no one in this world is going to make.me.happy because no matter what the other person does I am still going to suffer from.self hatred. It has nothing to do with whether the other one is happy or no. A person with self hatred will.be unhappy no matter what and no matter who is.married too. Forget about the second person. One cannot expect a second person to make me happy because no.matter what I am still going to be happy.

To.take for example.the issue of.difficulty establishing relationships. If I am someone.who cannot establish any relationship.with anyone.no matter what I won’t.be able.testable.a happy marriage with anyone because even if I get a saint in front if me I just cannot establish a relationship.with anyone. To be happy I have to fix.my own personal.problem of not being able to establish relationships because if I expect someone to come and magically fix it for me.that is not.going to happen. I have to.fix my own self to be able to establish a healthy relationship if I am not.healthy myself I am going to create oh unhealthy relationships because the problem.remains there. The only common denominator between all my relationships is me. I cannot expect the next relationship to make me.magically happy if I.keep with the same problem.

Everyone except for a very, very slim minority of people need love. Are you saying that everyone has low self esteem and self hatred? Let’s face it, everyone, in this day and age, who gets married does so because they think it will make them happier. If they didn’t think that, they wouldn’t get married. Since they all think it will make them happier, are you saying, as it clearly sounds like, that all of those people then have internal problems, low self esteem and self hatred?

Marriage does make most people happier. Studies have proven this. In many cases, it makes them healthier as well. Studies have also proven this. If someone wants this and doesn’t have it, I would hardly say they must have internal problems, low self esteem and self hatred.

 

[Sugabee43]

The problem is that everyone has free will. I have and will give my husband love and concern and prayers and support, but of his own free will he chooses to not accept them, that’s his free will choice. When I say “I’m done”, it means that I’m guarding my heart from further damage, but it does NOT mean I’m withdrawing prayers and support and as much love as I’m capable. The same goes for my son. God does not expect me to be a doormat. And again, let me emphasize that I’ve never said I’d leave him- he’s the one saying it.

 

[marymary1975]

Are you establishing that relationships are the marker for a truly good person? I can think of many saints ostracized for being a truly good person… and no one wanted to hang around them. Maybe someone should have told St. Germaine cousain that maybe the problem is her! This I quote from a write up about her " She was unwanted, handicapped, abused, and neglected. She had no self-esteem, was never sent to school; she was poor and she was hungry. She died when she was twenty-two years old, all alone and in a barn. " She had no relationships… maybe everyone thought the same about her (remember not everyone actually sees holiness until its glorified) as someone thinking she’s got problems that she needs to fix, like “gosh that girls is dirty and poor, why doesn’t she get some self esteem and fix herself up right so that she can marry a good man like me!” Oh, and St. Jerome…? I heard he had such a temper people didn’t like him very much! What about the example JESUS CHRIST set when he made a whip and turned over tables in the temple??? Can you just guess if that happened in this day what people would be thinking about him?!

It seems to me you do not understand my point or see what I’m trying to say. My point is I think you come at this topic from a worldly perspective. Its the wisdom of the world that touts what you are saying. I very well know what you are trying to say because I too tout it sometimes its easy to believe it because its what society expects and ‘says’, but other times when I think about God, I question it, rigorously as for what exactly we as Christians ought to think and do. That’s what I’m doing here… again, sorry if I seem like I’m picking on you… I’m just trying to magnify it because I question it. I want to examine this in the light of the Gospel, because I suspect something is not rightly aligned with God’s Word. (We are told to be bereans after all)

Let me try and explain further…

If anyone has any sort of 'internal problem'.. the remedy is God.  Lets not categorize people or label them or turn to the wisdom of the world to help solve it.. **this further often serves to reinforce the initial wound that led to those problems in the first place.**  Its not loving to tell someone 'I think you have a problem... go away from me and go get help and don't come back until you've fixed it"...    We love because God first loved us...    We are told to follow God.. to do as He does to bring His Kingdom here on earth to others... We are supposed to be God's hands, arms, heart, .. his body to love and hug to guide to truth those who are hurt.    Telling someone they have a problem when they probably already know and realize and are 'hungry" or "naked", is like putting another load on their already laden shoulders.   Its like telling them "I wish you well" and you go off on your merry way.   (This is not what the scriptures say to do!!! and if we say we follow God and we put God first, then not follow His Word, oh boy, did we just did a very bad thing!)  

We can't expect people to know how to love if we start telling people the problem is you, you need to fix it.    If a person who expected you to 'be God' for them acts up when you are not "god" for them, then teach them in love who God is.  With patience.   With love.  With right judgement and prudence in our actions.

Look marymary, I’m not trying to totally discount what you are saying, but I feel deeply its unbalanced in that what I just spoke above is also needed to be held in consideration to the situation we’ve been discussing.

I don’t.see how Sr Germaine`s situation fits here. St Germaine didn’t run to get married. St Germaine looked for God and found internal.happiness in God. What does that have to do with the exact opposite situation that we are discussing which is someone doing the opposite of what St Germaine?

And I must say that with your last post you did completely lost me. First we are speaking about people who instead of looking for happiness from.within and from their internal relationship with God, expect to be happy because another human.makes them.happy, to then tell.me that when someone looks for another human to make them.happy (instead of.(God) the cause if the unhappiness may be the other problem, To now tell me.that my view is secular but my view is exactly what St Germaine did, that is don’t expect happiness to.come.from another human your happiness must come.from. I have no idea how.looking for.internal.happiness coming from.God.is a widely view. You need to.explain me that one.

And yes of.course if someone has an internal.issue the solution.is God, that is exactly what I am telling you from the beginning. If someone.has an internal.issue the solution is God to help you to fix it not to run and get married so another human can fix the issue.

 

[marymary1975]

Everyone except for a very, very slim minority of people need love. Are you saying that everyone has low self esteem and self hatred? Let’s face it, everyone, in this day and age, who gets married does so because they think it will make them happier. If they didn’t think that, they wouldn’t get married. Since they all think it will make them happier, are you saying, as it clearly sounds like, that all of those people then have internal problems, low self esteem and self hatred?

Marriage does make most people happier. Studies have proven this. In many cases, it makes them healthier as well. Studies have also proven this. If someone wants this and doesn’t have it, I would hardly say they must have internal problems, low self esteem and self hatred.

There is a difference between need for love and being needy for love. Everybody needs love. Being needy for love is an entirely different situation. Yes a good marriage does make people.happy but there are millions of unhappy marriages and too many divorces. I hardly doubt that people that are in an unhappy marriage are happier and.healtier. If someone.places the burden of making me.happy on a spouse, that usually tends to end up in a very unhappy marriage.

 

[marymary1975]

Actually, NO I’m NOT expecting him to make me happy…BECAUSE HE CAN’T. And his problems are VERY, VERY real. I do love him where he is, as well as God can expect me to be able to love him, given our circumstances (did you read that part?). We also cannot reconcile if he continually breaks our martial vows via his addiction. HE is the one saying he’s going to divorce me. I have NEVER said that. Not sure why you think I’m expecting him to make me happy, when I’ve said the opposite repeatedly. Do I have hang-ups and idiosyncrasies that probably irritate the **** out of him? I’m sure of it!! But to compare those with mental illness and addiction is comparing apples and oranges.

ONLY God can make me happy. The rest is gravy.

I agree that you are a spiritual.warrior Sugabee. Keep.with your faith strong and just keep.praying for.your husband. I will certainly.pray for.you too. It is admirable.what you are doing and how you are handling it.

 

[Sugabee43]

I agree that you are a spiritual.warrior Sugabee. Keep.with your faith strong and just keep.praying for.your husband. I will certainly.pray for.you too. It is admirable.what you are doing and how you are handling it.

Thanks. Glory belongs to God! Today is worse than normal, so I appreciate and covet the prayers.
Blessings to all of you!

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I don’t.see how Sr Germaine`s situation fits here. St Germaine didn’t run to get married. St Germaine looked for God and found internal.happiness in God. What does that have to do with the exact opposite situation that we are discussing which is someone doing the opposite of what St Germaine?

And I must say that with your last post you did completely lost me. First we are speaking about people who instead of looking for happiness from.within and from their internal relationship with God, expect to be happy because another human.makes them.happy, to then tell.me that when someone looks for another human to make them.happy (instead of.(God) the cause if the unhappiness may be the other problem, To now tell me.that my view is secular but my view is exactly what St Germaine did, that is don’t expect happiness to.come.from another human your happiness must come.from. I have no idea how.looking for.internal.happiness coming from.God.is a widely view. You need to.explain me that one.

And yes of.course if someone has an internal.issue the solution.is God, that is exactly what I am telling you from the beginning. If someone.has an internal.issue the solution is God to help you to fix it not to run and get married so another human can fix the issue.

I can see how I what I wrote could loose a person… I was trying to say a lot at once.

Most of all, I’m with Bataar … that poster does a better job at saying it concisely. But I tried to take it futher using … well, evertying I tried to post about. The St. Germaine thing was to show that how people view others doesn’t mean that the person veiwed as such actually has a problem… which is my issue with what you said becuase by saying to someone they have an ‘internal issue’, one is setting that person apart, and furthermore kind of saying that person isn’t deserving of love until they get themselves straightened up… which can’t be true because that’s not how we found love… it was freely given to us by God, and its only because he loved us first that we, in turn know how to love.

Am I making any more sense now?

I really do not agree with worldly methods on how to ‘take care of a problem person’ because I view the only real and true way is to do it God’s way and modern psychiatry, although well meaning… and helpful at times too… often takes first place with people instead of waht God said to do… and with your statement I felt it was unbalanced in perspective because I felt it had more to do with what the wisdom of the world says rather than what Holy Scripture has to say about it…
Hopefully that will clear it up. Again, its not that I disagree with you entirely... I think we are close and similar... , its that I feel it was lacking in what God's says to do and weighed more heavily on what worldly wisdom says- which is hurtful to those who actually need love more than anyone else!. And because of that, I have to speak out...

 

[ynotzap]

Thanks. Glory belongs to God! Today is worse than normal, so I appreciate and covet the prayers.
Blessings to all of you!

One of the greatest lessons God taught me was that we can’t give what we do not have, although it a universal truth, I am applying it specifically. What is missing from us is the fruit of Grace. I was a crusader, because I was a “spiritual idealist” not a “spiritual realist” I expected from others that which I had and took it for granted, my Faith (which is a supernatural gift) I entered a judgmental state condemning the unjust, selfish, uncharitable actions of others. I pit myself against the establishment, and was crucified for it. Even my own marriage was threatened. God showed me that I was spiritually blind, and there was pride at the root. I was frustrated in my efforts to convert the world by standing for what was right. God showed me that I was not the "Savior " He showed me that I was not fighting “flesh and blood, but Powers and Principalities…” I was blaming the wrong people. Like St.Paul, he condemned the wrong people, thinking he was right, he was self-righteous. It took a "spiritual experience, and an encounter with Christ to heal him, and set him on the road called “Straight” When we approached someone who on the surface is doing what we call the wrong thing, it is (fallibly) human to judge that person. What we do not realize, is that person can do no better until he receives that grace that will CAUSE him to do better. So if repelled by that person’s actions, we fail to recognize that he is truly spiritually handicapped. The person doesn’t understand this. So we experience frustration in our efforts t o change things, and he experiences frustration to be able to change himself. Consequently, there is not peace. The greatest challenge is to love that troubled person unconditionally. It will sanctify one, that’s why marriage is not a second hand vocation. This is a real situation in life. It opens the eyes of the soul. It is not based on feeling love, but commitment. This is the hurdle that many fail to make, because they need grace too. When this love is applied not because of the person, but because God desires it of us, it bears much fruit, and even a restoration of the legitimate feeling of love, a real healing for both parties. When St.Paul understood this (scales fell from his eyes, symbolizing his spiritual blindness) he became a very effective servant of God, the Apostles of the Gentiles, and he was able to suffer much for the faith, and he had a “deep spiritual experience” that no doubt gave him much strength to carry on his mission to the end. We all need the “Savior, Jesus Christ”

 

[marymary1975]

Thanks. Glory belongs to God! Today is worse than normal, so I appreciate and covet the prayers.
Blessings to all of you!

I will be praying.to St Rita de Casia for you. She also endured living in a very difficult marriage and only the hand of God made her go through it bravely. May st Rita give you her strength and faith and intercede for you and your husband.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

One of the greatest lessons God taught me was that we can’t give what we do not have, although it a universal truth, I am applying it specifically. What is missing from us is the fruit of Grace. I was a crusader, because I was a “spiritual idealist” not a “spiritual realist” I expected from others that which I had and took it for granted, my Faith (which is a supernatural gift) I entered a judgmental state condemning the unjust, selfish, uncharitable actions of others. I pit myself against the establishment, and was crucified for it. Even my own marriage was threatened. God showed me that I was spiritually blind, and there was pride at the root. I was frustrated in my efforts to convert the world by standing for what was right. God showed me that I was not the "Savior " He showed me that I was not fighting “flesh and blood, but Powers and Principalities…” I was blaming the wrong people. Like St.Paul, he condemned the wrong people, thinking he was right, he was self-righteous. It took a "spiritual experience, and an encounter with Christ to heal him, and set him on the road called “Straight” When we approached someone who on the surface is doing what we call the wrong thing, it is (fallibly) human to judge that person. What we do not realize, is that person can do no better until he receives that grace that will CAUSE him to do better. So if repelled by that person’s actions, we fail to recognize that he is truly spiritually handicapped. The person doesn’t understand this. So we experience frustration in our efforts t o change things, and he experiences frustration to be able to change himself. Consequently, there is not peace. The greatest challenge is to love that troubled person unconditionally. It will sanctify one, that’s why marriage is not a second hand vocation. This is a real situation in life. It opens the eyes of the soul. It is not based on feeling love, but commitment. This is the hurdle that many fail to make, because they need grace too. When this love is applied not because of the person, but because God desires it of us, it bears much fruit, and even a restoration of the legitimate feeling of love, a real healing for both parties. When St.Paul understood this (scales fell from his eyes, symbolizing his spiritual blindness) he became a very effective servant of God, the Apostles of the Gentiles, and he was able to suffer much for the faith, and he had a “deep spiritual experience” that no doubt gave him much strength to carry on his mission to the end. We all need the “Savior, Jesus Christ”

Again, thank you! Your responses have been spot on and a balm with love, thank you! I failed to convey this, but this is precisely what all my yabbering-on was about, in which I probably stepped on the feelings of marymary and Sugabee… ! (My apologies!)

 

[Sen]

Thanks. Glory belongs to God! Today is worse than normal, so I appreciate and covet the prayers.
Blessings to all of you!

I will pray for you. I grew up with a father who struggled with mental illness that he refused to get treated and he also struggled with alcoholism. My mother stood by him (she’s still standing by him), she isn’t Catholic but she doesn’t believe marriage is just something you throw away when the going gets rough.

So I have some idea of how hard it is. The effects of addiction and mental illness aren’t something you can just love or pray away. And I admire your strength and dedication.

 

[Norseman82]

From the USCCB:

wwwmigrate.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/upload/USCCB-FLWY-Why-is-Marriage-Good-for-Men-and-Women.pdf

Part of their “Making a Case for Mariage” series:

wwwmigrate.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/making_a_case_for_marriage.cfm

 

[Bataar]

There is a difference between need for love and being needy for love. Everybody needs love. Being needy for love is an entirely different situation. Yes a good marriage does make people.happy but there are millions of unhappy marriages and too many divorces. I hardly doubt that people that are in an unhappy marriage are happier and.healtier. If someone.places the burden of making me.happy on a spouse, that usually tends to end up in a very unhappy marriage.

The topic of the thread is asking why people think they will be happier when they are married. I’ll use myself as an example. I’m a lonely person. I’m unhappy because of the loneliness. If I was married, I wouldn’t be lonely, therefore, I would be happier. Simple logic. Not flawless, but that is the reasoning why.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

There is a difference between need for love and being needy for love. Everybody needs love. Being needy for love is an entirely different situation. Yes a good marriage does make people.happy but there are millions of unhappy marriages and too many divorces. I hardly doubt that people that are in an unhappy marriage are happier and.healtier. If someone.places the burden of making me.happy on a spouse, that usually tends to end up in a very unhappy marriage.

I still question this… Is this what Christ said to do?

Luke 6:30 ►

Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

A needy person for love is empty on love. If you’ve ever seen the way parched dry land quickly sucks up water, you can expect the same from those people who are parched for love… they TAKE and TAKE and TAKE… at least at first until they are balanced. That I’m sure is very scary to people who are doing the ‘watering’ so to speak, but it does work. If Christ keeps our vessels of clay filled and overflowing as Scriptures say, why should it be so scary to give to those who are parched? Why is it a big deal to give love to those who are needy?

 If every Christian does what you say here, and bids them well and suggests they go see a 'psychiatrist' to help them love themselves first,** then who the heck needs Christians? ** We just need psychiatrists  then.. and if psychiatrists are doing such a great job of it, then why on earth are the numbers of 'mentally ill' rising rather than falling?   I feel like people just place these people in garbage cans and set them aside while we go on living our happy lives because 'we love our selves' correctly.    This is the attitude that is going to be pleasing to God???

Given all that, I actually well understand that people cannot make people happy…that there are those who have not come to an understanding that to be happy is to know God and do His will… the peace of God comes only from knowing God and loving Him and knowing we are loved in return from Him.

So shouldn’t we be preaching God’s love and sending people to see priests and other religious rather than suggesting what the world suggests which is ‘self love’ and “go see a psychiatrist” ? There are atheist and heretic psychiatrists you know? How is this going to help someone who is very lost?

 

[AnneElizabeth]

The topic of the thread is asking why people think they will be happier when they are married. I’ll use myself as an example. I’m a lonely person. I’m unhappy because of the loneliness. If I was married, I wouldn’t be lonely, therefore, I would be happier. Simple logic. Not flawless, but that is the reasoning why.

God Himself said it was not good for man to be alone. Does this count for women as well? I assume so as she was made for man, Scriptures say.

I suppose what one does with their company is up to them, though sometimes the other partner is not willing to love the other and be thankful for them and their love. So, that is always a possibility… like with Sugabee’s case here. (Meaning, her husband is not willing to love her by stop doing what he’s doing that hurts her)

However, its possible to think of marriage (or partnership, or friendship) as a type of idol, thinking it will make us happy. What if your spouse gets into an accident and cannot speak, cannot move, cannot do things together with you anymore? Certainly that could bring a kind of loneliness, although you’d still be together.

I don’t quite understand it, but I think the church has always mainly emphasized that bringing up children is the main purpose of marriage with not a lot of emphasis on romance or loving feelings. Though I have found scriptures that suggest that those elements of romance are hoped to last… such as what it says in Proverbs 5:19 …
A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Well… not touching any of the posts that would say I am a needy, low self esteem having person who is expecting someone else to make me happy… Here is why I think I would be happier married. Actually maybe I will touch on some of it a little

For one thing, yes, with the exception of a spiritual director who I can talk to about my scrupulosity issues, I do go through all my problems alone. When I am sad, I go through it a lone. When I am happy, I go through it alone. I do not have much of a family (I do have them, but we are not very close) It would be nice to have someone to stand by me through good times and bad times. Even when I get a raise at work or achieve a major accomplishment, it would be nice to have someone to celebrate with. I know God is always with me. But yeah, I think it is normal to desire a wife if I am a man. If some people have become detached to a desires to get married, great for them. I still have not been able to.

I make a decent living and I would like to share some of the fruits of my labors. I think I would be a good provider for a family. And sometimes, for me, somethings I do HAVE TO be for someone else or it does not matter to me. That is just how I get motivated sometimes. I think I have a lot of love to give and it would be nice to give it in a romantic sort of way too a great woman. My Grandfather (who raised me) was a great provider. A great man. He did everything he needed to do as head of household without complaining. I think he gave me a great example and I feel I could do the same.

I am not expecting anyone to come in a “cure” me of my problems. So far, ALL BY MYSELF I have gotten over Obesity, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, a criminal lifestyle, watching pornography (I found porn when I was 5. Maybe I would not have been so obsessive with porn later in life if I did not see it for the first time so young, but it does not make me a invalid who is less worthy to be married or dangerous to marry because it has given me a unreal expectation of sex or something.) I should not say completely by myself though… by the grace of God too. But no human help. Nobody to hold my hand through any of my ordeals, except my best friend and me lost about 30 pounds each together when I was struggling with obesity as a teenager.

I want romance in my life. I have been though problems. Currently dealing with OCD and scrupulosity… by myself most the time but sometimes with the help of a spiritual director. I certainly do not expect there to be no problems in a marriage. I am a realist in everything in life. I want a partner in life. I think it would make me happier to get out of myself so much and have to give more to someone else. And yes, I do volunteer time, so no need to be told to volunteer more That is different from what I am talking about. That is all.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

… And sometimes, for me, somethings I do HAVE TO be for someone else or it does not matter to me. That is just how I get motivated sometimes…

Thanks LaughingBoy for sharing.

I also love the point about being motivated by love for another… (highlighted above) Same here too. There are just some things not really worth doing unless you are doing it for someone else.