Why do people think that life will be happier when we are married?

[Sugabee43]

I actually think that is a big problem now a.days. unfortunately many people put in their spouse the burden of you are supposed to make me.happy. We are human beings and we are all.far from.perfect. it is a very unrealistic expectation to expect another human to make me.happy.

Yep. My husband expected me to “make him happy”. We are now in the throes of an unhappy (albeit non-confrontational) marriage. But because he assumed that getting married would solve all of his problems, including his self-hatred, he has been sorely disappointed despite my best efforts. And because I spent our courtship and a great deal of the first half of our marriage attempting to fulfill his expectations, I am now emotionally “done”. Unless and until he can learn to love himself and BE happy despite not having a “perfect” life, I will always be ‘less-than’.

 

[Naskor]

That’s just not true at all. People are lonely when they don’t have meaningful relationships with other people. Marriage is the ultimate meaningful relationship. When people are lonely, they are unhappy. Keep in mind that being lonely is different than being alone. Many people can and are often happy while being alone. Some need more alone time than others obviously. However, being lonely is completely different. Having that special person in your life to share things with to comfort them and be comforted by them can definitely make a lonely person happy.

Very well put.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

You just said it: “people are lonely because they don’t have meaningful relationships”. If someone does.not have the ability to establish a.meaningful relationship with other people.little less they will be able to establish a happy marriage. A person like this has an internal problem.which is difficulties to establish menaingul relations.and instead of working and fixing his or her own problem is waiting for someone to appear and all of a.sudden get married and fix the problem. This kind.of.person is.again a needy person who has an internal issue and thinks that marriage will.solve the issue. Having a special.person may make the lonely person happy for 3 months.but the relationship.Will turn eventually into sour because the lonely person.has an internal unresolved issue that as soon.as the “honey moon”.period disappears will start hitting the relationship. This is.something that unfortunately is extremely common in marriages and the cause of.so many unhappy marriages.and it boils.down to the same, instead of resolving tour own.issues you are expecting someone to come and resolve.things for you.

Wait… hold up… I’m confused… *which *spouse is thinking the other is to ‘make them happy’? Because seriously, it can go either way with your example here… If someone has an ‘internal problem’ as you say, and it becomes a bother to the ‘normal’ one, would it not be the ‘normal’ one who is now thinking the other will make them happy and is annoyed by their ‘deficiency’ of happiness they are depriving them of?

I think a lot of relationships are spoiling because of this mentality, but I think often we put the onus on one, when it should be BOTH. These ‘internal issues’ you speak of, is this something Jesus mentioned, and if so, what did HE do about it?

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I actually think that is a big problem now a.days. unfortunately many people put in their spouse the burden of you are supposed to make me.happy. We are human beings and we are all.far from.perfect. it is a very unrealistic expectation to expect another human to make me.happy.

I agree with this… I’m not so sure its a modern phenomena, however, I think because of the lack of faith and growing population of people who think Christianity is absolute hooey, you will find people will need some sort of savior and often apply that to the significant other. Really big shoes that no one but God could ever fill.

People who are godless (I’m not pointing a finger at them, just stating a fact) live for pleasure only. Their lives are about pursuit of pleasure.

 

[Norseman82]

You just said it: “people are lonely because they don’t have meaningful relationships”. If someone does.not have the ability to establish a.meaningful relationship with other people.little less they will be able to establish a happy marriage. A person like this has an internal problem.which is difficulties to establish menaingul relations.and instead of working and fixing his or her own problem is waiting for someone to appear and all of a.sudden get married and fix the problem. This kind.of.person is.again a needy person who has an internal issue and thinks that marriage will.solve the issue. Having a special.person may make the lonely person happy for 3 months.but the relationship.Will turn eventually into sour because the lonely person.has an internal unresolved issue that as soon.as the “honey moon”.period disappears will start hitting the relationship. This is.something that unfortunately is extremely common in marriages and the cause of.so many unhappy marriages.and it boils.down to the same, instead of resolving tour own.issues you are expecting someone to come and resolve.things for you.

I think the point he is trying to make is that the meaningful relationship that is missing is marriage itself.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Yep. My husband expected me to “make him happy”. We are now in the throes of an unhappy (albeit non-confrontational) marriage. But because he assumed that getting married would solve all of his problems, including his self-hatred, he has been sorely disappointed despite my best efforts. And because I spent our courtship and a great deal of the first half of our marriage attempting to fulfill his expectations, I am now emotionally “done”. Unless and until he can learn to love himself and BE happy despite not having a “perfect” life, I will always be ‘less-than’.

Are you expecting him to make you happy? Because it sort of seems so here. You state that you are on the throes of an “unhappy” marriage. Is it really him, or is it you? Expectations.

Please understand, I don’t mean to sound like I’m being difficult or harsh, but trying to point something out… Which one of you is expecting the ‘happy’ from the significant other?

Hoping you will speak to me on this, because I do not say that to point fingers at you… I realize you are hurt in this.

 

[polki]

Polki, I’m so sorry. Padre Pio said, “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry”. My aunt felt the same way after the death of her husband, she kind of scoffed when I suggested that she pray to St. Raphael. I also said I’d pray to St. Raphael for her… She did not believe it was possible. Since then, she has found a really great man whom she is just about as in love and close to as her husband. They are very happy. She is happy again. Anything is possible.

Thank you!

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I think the “grass is greener” mentality has a lot to do with it. Just from my personal experience, when my wife and I were dating we saw marriage as the solution to a lot of our problems. Life with her parents was a horror story and our work and school schedules kept us from seeing each other as much as we wanted (which was constantly, which is pretty typical for young, in-love 20-somethings).

Unfortunately, nobody prepared us for what married life really was. Her parents had always told her that married people don’t fight, if your husband disagrees with you on anything he either hates you or is having an affair, and that once you’re married there’s no longer room in your life for friends of any sort. My parents wouldn’t discuss it because talking about marriage was too close to talking about sex which was a major taboo. I’ve said before that our pre-Cana was worthless but that doesn’t do it justice. It really did more harm than good. A good analogy would be my friend who got a DUI back in college and had to take a drunk driver’s education class. The people running the program treated the two or three people in there who really hadn’t done anything wrong (the 70-year-old lady who’d been run off the road by a drunk driver but honestly told the police that she’d had half a glass of wine with dinner 4 hours earlier, and the guy who’d taken the Codeine prescribed after his surgery and skid through a stop sign on a wet road) like they were absolute villains, while the real problem drivers (who had 2, 3, 10, 12 DUI’s each) were ignored and everyone else fell in the middle. In our pre-Cana, we were one of those couples who fell in the middle. The class gave us nothing and the priest didn’t care one way or another.

Looking back, it’s surprising we not only made it but actually turned out pretty happy after all these years.

 

[Sugabee43]

Are you expecting him to make you happy? Because it sort of seems so here. You state that you are on the throes of an “unhappy” marriage. Is it really him, or is it you? Expectations.

Please understand, I don’t mean to sound like I’m being difficult or harsh, but trying to point something out… Which one of you is expecting the ‘happy’ from the significant other?

Hoping you will speak to me on this, because I do not say that to point fingers at you… I realize you are hurt in this.

No, actually, I’m not expecting him to “make” me happy. I never have. Our courtship and marriage have been hampered by many things, including his chronic depression, sexual addiction, and rabidly dysfunctional upbringing- most of which I didn’t know about at all, or realize the extent of until after we married. I have been hurt quite a bit over the last 23 years, and it hasn’t been all due to my husband. Our eldest son has made some terrifically bad life decisions, and it’s affected us.

My happiness depends on my relationship with God. THAT is what I have learned over the last 10 years. And because the devil is desperately attempting to make me lose my faith, he is now attacking us financially as well. But I REFUSE to allow that mangy excuse for a fallen angel to take my joy! Praise be to God!!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

At the risk of sounding naive, maybe it’s because they’ve seen their friends or family in happy marriages and want that for themselves.

My marriage brings tremendous happiness. Not the euphoric “in love” happiness (though we are very much in love), nor do I mean the “I’m always in a slightly better mood because now I have a husband to make me happy when I’m down” delusion. But I can’t overstate the contentment and joy that exists in knowing that whatever storm is brewing in the world, I have a family weather it with. Deaths in the family, serious illness, unemployment, etc is all different when you have someone to go through it with who you know isn’t going anywhere.

 

[marymary1975]

Wait… hold up… I’m confused… *which *spouse is thinking the other is to ‘make them happy’? Because seriously, it can go either way with your example here… If someone has an ‘internal problem’ as you say, and it becomes a bother to the ‘normal’ one, would it not be the ‘normal’ one who is now thinking the other will make them happy and is annoyed by their ‘deficiency’ of happiness they are depriving them of?

I think a lot of relationships are spoiling because of this mentality, but I think often we put the onus on one, when it should be BOTH. These ‘internal issues’ you speak of, is this something Jesus mentioned, and if so, what did HE do about it?

The person with the internal.problem is putting the burden on someone else to make his or herself.happy. the person with the internal problem let’s call it X is expecting Y to come and make X happy. This is going to.cause a burden in the relationship because to be happy X needs to deal with the issue.

I think Sugabee explained very well. Her situation is the situation many marriages end up when someone expects the other one to make you happy. Also note that Sugabee says her own happiness comes from Jesus. People have to make Jesus the person to make them happy to then share that happiness with another human. If you are unhappy and expect that someone else is going to make.you happy is not going to work because marriage requires work and effort. The grass is not greener on the other side.

 

[Sugabee43]

Thank you, MaryMary.

Yes, it can be a great temptation to be resentful of the unhappy one because they are so focused on themselves that they don’t try to “make” you happy - but again, that’s a temptation of the devil, and it can be overcome or avoided. It just takes lots of work!! Have I emotionally detached myself from my husband? Yes, I have, for my own well-being. Am I ugly to him or do I refuse to include him in family decisions/activities? No.
Could I be a “better” wife? Absolutely, and I own that and take responsibility for that with God. But I don’t believe He expects me to give more than I can emotionally handle.

 

[Sen]

Marriage has actually made me quite a bit happier. I’ve only been married a little over a year but we’ve certainly had plenty of challenges already.

We’ve faced job loss and a very high risk pregnancy that left us with massive medical bills. We also had to suddenly move while I was at my sickest because our neighbors cigarette smoking made our apartment unlivable for my husband that the landlord refused to do anything about it. We are only just starting to dig ourselves out financially.

But even with all of that, I’m happier now than I have ever been. Or maybe happy is the wrong word. I certainly wasn’t happy when I was puking my guts out every half hour and he certainly wasn’t happy when his job search stretched into it’s 6th month and no one was calling him back. But we both agree that our lives are better with the other in it, having someone by our side during these hard times has made all the difference. Marriage has been harder than I expected it would be but it’s been better than I expected it to be too.

 

[Sugabee43]

Marriage has actually made me quite a bit happier. I’ve only been married a little over a year but we’ve certainly had plenty of challenges already.

We’ve faced job loss and a very high risk pregnancy that left us with massive medical bills. We also had to suddenly move while I was at my sickest because our neighbors cigarette smoking made our apartment unlivable for my husband that the landlord refused to do anything about it. We are only just starting to dig ourselves out financially.

But even with all of that, I’m happier now than I have ever been. Or maybe happy is the wrong word. I certainly wasn’t happy when I was puking my guts out every half hour and he certainly wasn’t happy when his job search stretched into it’s 6th month and no one was calling him back. But we both agree that our lives are better with the other in it, having someone by our side during these hard times has made all the difference. Marriage has been harder than I expected it would be but it’s been better than I expected it to be too.

That’s awesome, Sen!!

 

[AnneElizabeth]

The person with the internal.problem is putting the burden on someone else to make his or herself.happy. the person with the internal problem let’s call it X is expecting Y to come and make X happy. This is going to.cause a burden in the relationship because to be happy X needs to deal with the issue.

I think Sugabee explained very well. Her situation is the situation many marriages end up when someone expects the other one to make you happy. Also note that Sugabee says her own happiness comes from Jesus. People have to make Jesus the person to make them happy to then share that happiness with another human. If you are unhappy and expect that someone else is going to make.you happy is not going to work because marriage requires work and effort. The grass is not greener on the other side.

What do you mean by 'internal problem" ? Perhaps a definition is in store.

Anyway,...

I don't think you are seeing my point yet.   See, you point the finger and say, this person, by my judgement,  has an internal problem because it is causing problems for me, for themselves and for others... yet, its like you fail to see that you too have a 'problem' which could also be an "internal problem" -as in, you are dissatisfied with the other persons' "internal problem".. to the extent that its making you **unhappy**.   Thus, you are disappointed that this person is not making you happy.   Thus, you are expecting another to make you happy.  Thus, you are doing the very same thing you accuse the other of doing.

Look, I’m not discounting that people have real hangups that are difficult to work with. I am discounting this idea that there are people completely without them who get to point fingers at others and say "you are the one with the problem and its annoying and no good’ and you need ‘help’, or you need to ‘change’. And when people start to talk like their are ‘others’ who don’t have their selves up to par yet with ‘good people’ all I can think about is the pharisees. As Christians, we realize we are not perfect. For those who don’t know Christ we speak Christ to them so that they can know him and love him and through His grace learn to let go of those ‘internal problems’… but nothing will ever be fixed when we tag people or shun people or put people in catagories. We are supposed to be treating everyone equally with the Love of God.

I know that there are those who mean good will, but its scary how pride can be hung up in the wisdom of the world… (which is what psychology is, which is where I think you are borrowing your idea from.) Jesus NEVER spoke that way! Its a dismissal of those in need and a way to raise yourself up and cater to your pride. Is it not?

Sugabee IS expecting her spouse to make her happy, make the marriage better by somehow getting over his ‘problems’… Don’t you see, this is the VERY reason why marriages break apart!!! You CAN"T reconcile (truly come together) as long as you have a finger pointed accusingly at the other. You have to love them where they are at, horrible irritating disgusting flaws and all, which is truly difficult, but might just make a person truly holy if they did so.

 

[Sugabee43]

What do you mean by 'internal problem" ? Perhaps a definition is in store.

Anyway,…

I don’t think you are seeing my point yet. See, you point the finger and say, this person, by my judgement, has an internal problem because it is causing problems for me, for themselves and for others… yet, its like you fail to see that you too have a ‘problem’ which could also be an “internal problem” -as in, you are dissatisfied with the other persons’ “internal problem”… to the extent that its making you unhappy. Thus, you are disappointed that this person is not making you happy. Thus, you are expecting another to make you happy. Thus, you are doing the very same thing you accuse the other of doing.

Look, I’m not discounting that people have real hangups that are difficult to work with. I am discounting this idea that there are people completely without them who get to point fingers at others and say "you are the one with the problem and its annoying and no good’ and you need ‘help’, or you need to ‘change’. And when people start to talk like their are ‘others’ who don’t have their selves up to par yet with ‘good people’ all I can think about is the pharisees. As Christians, we realize we are not perfect. For those who don’t know Christ we speak Christ to them so that they can know him and love him and through His grace learn to let go of those ‘internal problems’… but nothing will ever be fixed when we tag people or shun people or put people in catagories. We are supposed to be treating everyone equally with the Love of God.

I know that there are those who mean good will, but its scary how pride can be hung up in the wisdom of the world… (which is what psychology is, which is where I think you are borrowing your idea from.) Jesus NEVER spoke that way! Its a dismissal of those in need and a way to raise yourself up and cater to your pride. Is it not?

Sugabee IS expecting her spouse to make her happy, make the marriage better by somehow getting over his ‘problems’… Don’t you see, this is the VERY reason why marriages break apart!!! You CAN"T reconcile (truly come together) as long as you have a finger pointed accusingly at the other. You have to love them where they are at, horrible irritating disgusting flaws and all, which is truly difficult, but might just make a person truly holy if they did so.

Actually, NO I’m NOT expecting him to make me happy…BECAUSE HE CAN’T. And his problems are VERY, VERY real. I do love him where he is, as well as God can expect me to be able to love him, given our circumstances (did you read that part?). We also cannot reconcile if he continually breaks our martial vows via his addiction. HE is the one saying he’s going to divorce me. I have NEVER said that. Not sure why you think I’m expecting him to make me happy, when I’ve said the opposite repeatedly. Do I have hang-ups and idiosyncrasies that probably irritate the **** out of him? I’m sure of it!! But to compare those with mental illness and addiction is comparing apples and oranges.

ONLY God can make me happy. The rest is gravy.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Thank you, MaryMary.

Yes, it can be a great temptation to be resentful of the unhappy one because they are so focused on themselves that they don’t try to “make” you happy - but again, that’s a temptation of the devil, and it can be overcome or avoided. It just takes lots of work!! Have I emotionally detached myself from my husband? Yes, I have, for my own well-being. Am I ugly to him or do I refuse to include him in family decisions/activities? No.
Could I be a “better” wife? Absolutely, and I own that and take responsibility for that with God. But I don’t believe He expects me to give more than I can emotionally handle.

i realize you need to do what you need to do. That is natural, but God is supernatural and that means putting God first, others second and yourself last. Is it not? You say you do have God in the first slot, that’s great, but try putting your husband in second, leaving behind the accusations, the anger and the stuff that probably has been brewing for a long time between you two. I’d imagine there was a time that the both of you truly were together… enough so that you married, right? If you were there once, you can be there again, AND remarkably, even though you seem to discount it, your husband can return to it as well… with love, lots of love and love from Christ. I suppose there is always that chance for him to refuse, but I will tel you something… I have witnessed the power of forgiveness and the power of Christ make for some really sweeping almost impossible acts of total turn arounds. If you believed in that, if you trusted in God in that… (which is what the Gospel says we are supposed to be doing) then maybe you too (BOTH of you) would witness that for yourselves.

When swimming in the ocean, the only safe way through an oncoming wave is to dive under it. You can try and jump over it, you can try to outrun it, but when you get down, when you BEND yourself in humble submission with respect to it, you will survive it. You will get through. Because following God’s ways are always safe (for our eternal soul’s sake), though to the pride, not very comfortable or our first inkling. That is why the gospel has to be taught… … its not instinctual. Without HIS light, we don’t know where we are walking. … We don’t know what we are doing (Father forgive them for they know not what they do).

I heard today on Christian radio that marriage is supposed to be a reflection of the redemption of Christ. I remember a priest talking during a sermon saying that with marriage the biggest most difficult thing is forgiveness. The gospel says that “The WORK of God is to believe in God”, meaning without hesitation, we submit our own senses to what HE said to do. That’s WORK! That’s really difficult. When you say you give up on your hubby, how are you teaching to the young souls who are around you the glory of God, or the wondrous redemption of God? (Or the love of God for that matter) People don’t like to think about that, but its the VERY reason why the divorce rate is 50 % and also the very reason why younger folks aren’t marrying anymore and settling for fast sex… Its never been modeled to them because someone older decided they didn’t want to do that hard work. And so the structure weakens. People always seem to think it will be better when I get what I want,… and so maybe someone feels relief, but that doesn’t mean it did good for God or humanity. (THAT is putting God first)

I don’t mean to sound like I’m picking on you Sugabee… Just that you provided a fine example. Why are people not doing the work of God anymore? Don’t you see how this gives bad effects to those young eyes watching, learning? We merely tell ourselves it doesn’t matter, or we say “I’m doing this for my own self health” but I honestly have not been able to find that example in any of the stories of the saints. They are remembered by God and their good deeds are remembered in humanity. Instead of abandoning, why not see this as the challenge of the lifetime to achieve glory for God- something anyone who truly desires to please God and loves God does? Can you set aside your anger towards your husband and ask God "what way can I love him to you O Lord? "

 

[marymary1975]

What do you mean by 'internal problem" ? Perhaps a definition is in store.

Anyway,...

I don't think you are seeing my point yet.   See, you point the finger and say, this person, by my judgement,  has an internal problem because it is causing problems for me, for themselves and for others... yet, its like you fail to see that you too have a 'problem' which could also be an "internal problem" -as in, you are dissatisfied with the other persons' "internal problem".. to the extent that its making you **unhappy**.   Thus, you are disappointed that this person is not making you happy.   Thus, you are expecting another to make you happy.  Thus, you are doing the very same thing you accuse the other of doing.

Look, I’m not discounting that people have real hangups that are difficult to work with. I am discounting this idea that there are people completely without them who get to point fingers at others and say "you are the one with the problem and its annoying and no good’ and you need ‘help’, or you need to ‘change’. And when people start to talk like their are ‘others’ who don’t have their selves up to par yet with ‘good people’ all I can think about is the pharisees. As Christians, we realize we are not perfect. For those who don’t know Christ we speak Christ to them so that they can know him and love him and through His grace learn to let go of those ‘internal problems’… but nothing will ever be fixed when we tag people or shun people or put people in catagories. We are supposed to be treating everyone equally with the Love of God.

I know that there are those who mean good will, but its scary how pride can be hung up in the wisdom of the world… (which is what psychology is, which is where I think you are borrowing your idea from.) Jesus NEVER spoke that way! Its a dismissal of those in need and a way to raise yourself up and cater to your pride. Is it not?

Sugabee IS expecting her spouse to make her happy, make the marriage better by somehow getting over his ‘problems’… Don’t you see, this is the VERY reason why marriages break apart!!! You CAN"T reconcile (truly come together) as long as you have a finger pointed accusingly at the other. You have to love them where they are at, horrible irritating disgusting flaws and all, which is truly difficult, but might just make a person truly holy if they did so.

No I don’t think you are understanding the situation I am explaining here. I am not pointing fingers at anyone or saying that no one has their one issues. When someone.is needy for love that person lacks self esteem and has a negative view of him/her. A person like that due to the grass is greener on the other side mentality expects someone else to come and make.me.happy. If I have self hatred no one in this world is going to make.me.happy because no matter what the other person does I am still going to suffer from.self hatred. It has nothing to do with whether the other one is happy or no. A person with self hatred will.be unhappy no matter what and no matter who is.married too. Forget about the second person. One cannot expect a second person to make me happy because no.matter what I am still going to be happy.

To.take for example.the issue of.difficulty establishing relationships. If I am someone.who cannot establish any relationship.with anyone.no matter what I won’t.be able.testable.a happy marriage with anyone because even if I get a saint in front if me I just cannot establish a relationship.with anyone. To be happy I have to fix.my own personal.problem of not being able to establish relationships because if I expect someone to come and magically fix it for me.that is not.going to happen. I have to.fix my own self to be able to establish a healthy relationship if I am not.healthy myself I am going to create oh unhealthy relationships because the problem.remains there. The only common denominator between all my relationships is me. I cannot expect the next relationship to make me.magically happy if I.keep with the same problem.

 

[ynotzap]

No, actually, I’m not expecting him to “make” me happy. I never have. Our courtship and marriage have been hampered by many things, including his chronic depression, sexual addiction, and rabidly dysfunctional upbringing- most of which I didn’t know about at all, or realize the extent of until after we married. I have been hurt quite a bit over the last 23 years, and it hasn’t been all due to my husband. Our eldest son has made some terrifically bad life decisions, and it’s affected us.

My happiness depends on my relationship with God. THAT is what I have learned over the last 10 years. And because the devil is desperately attempting to make me lose my faith, he is now attacking us financially as well. But I REFUSE to allow that mangy excuse for a fallen angel to take my joy! Praise be to God!!

Sugabee you are a spiritual warrior, I wish there were more like you. They say “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” We can’t be too cocky, but we can be silent and strong. Even St, Paul said “I walk in fear and trepidation”, I am sure he saw his own weakness, he also said “…pray for me, for by preaching to others I myself may become a cast-away” Suffering makes men think, thinking makes men wise, and wisdom makes life endurable. The fight comes to all that love God and neighbor.

Your husband is in need of a healing that can only come from the healing Spirit of God. And that Spirit is given through an encounter with Jesus, there are no exceptions, except the Mother of Jesus, and as innocent as she was, she suffered much in union with her Son. Your son also needs the same encounter of conversion, that changes one’s life, to a life of grace, a life of fulfillment and spiritual consolation. Keep plugging, and fortify your spiritual strength with Communion. I understand this strikes fear into Satan’s soul, for Christ devastated him from the Cross. And one spiritual consolation, is worth more than all the money in the world, it can lift you up above all your sufferings. A kiss from Christ.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

No I don’t think you are understanding the situation I am explaining here. I am not pointing fingers at anyone or saying that no one has their one issues. When someone.is needy for love that person lacks self esteem and has a negative view of him/her. A person like that due to the grass is greener on the other side mentality expects someone else to come and make.me.happy. If I have self hatred no one in this world is going to make.me.happy because no matter what the other person does I am still going to suffer from.self hatred. It has nothing to do with whether the other one is happy or no. A person with self hatred will.be unhappy no matter what and no matter who is.married too. Forget about the second person. One cannot expect a second person to make me happy because no.matter what I am still going to be happy.

To.take for example.the issue of.difficulty establishing relationships. If I am someone.who cannot establish any relationship.with anyone.no matter what I won’t.be able.testable.a happy marriage with anyone because even if I get a saint in front if me I just cannot establish a relationship.with anyone. To be happy I have to fix.my own personal.problem of not being able to establish relationships because if I expect someone to come and magically fix it for me.that is not.going to happen. I have to.fix my own self to be able to establish a healthy relationship if I am not.healthy myself I am going to create oh unhealthy relationships because the problem.remains there. The only common denominator between all my relationships is me. I cannot expect the next relationship to make me.magically happy if I.keep with the same problem.

Are you establishing that relationships are the marker for a truly good person? I can think of many saints ostracized for being a truly good person… and no one wanted to hang around them. Maybe someone should have told St. Germaine cousain that maybe the problem is her! This I quote from a write up about her " She was unwanted, handicapped, abused, and neglected. She had no self-esteem, was never sent to school; she was poor and she was hungry. She died when she was twenty-two years old, all alone and in a barn. " She had no relationships… maybe everyone thought the same about her (remember not everyone actually sees holiness until its glorified) as someone thinking she’s got problems that she needs to fix, like “gosh that girls is dirty and poor, why doesn’t she get some self esteem and fix herself up right so that she can marry a good man like me!” Oh, and St. Jerome…? I heard he had such a temper people didn’t like him very much! What about the example JESUS CHRIST set when he made a whip and turned over tables in the temple??? Can you just guess if that happened in this day what people would be thinking about him?!

It seems to me you do not understand my point or see what I’m trying to say. My point is I think you come at this topic from a worldly perspective. Its the wisdom of the world that touts what you are saying. I very well know what you are trying to say because I too tout it sometimes its easy to believe it because its what society expects and ‘says’, but other times when I think about God, I question it, rigorously as for what exactly we as Christians ought to think and do. That’s what I’m doing here… again, sorry if I seem like I’m picking on you… I’m just trying to magnify it because I question it. I want to examine this in the light of the Gospel, because I suspect something is not rightly aligned with God’s Word. (We are told to be bereans after all)

Let me try and explain further…

If anyone has any sort of 'internal problem'.. the remedy is God.  Lets not categorize people or label them or turn to the wisdom of the world to help solve it.. **this further often serves to reinforce the initial wound that led to those problems in the first place.**  Its not loving to tell someone 'I think you have a problem... go away from me and go get help and don't come back until you've fixed it"...    We love because God first loved us...    We are told to follow God.. to do as He does to bring His Kingdom here on earth to others... We are supposed to be God's hands, arms, heart, .. his body to love and hug to guide to truth those who are hurt.    Telling someone they have a problem when they probably already know and realize and are 'hungry" or "naked", is like putting another load on their already laden shoulders.   Its like telling them "I wish you well" and you go off on your merry way.   (This is not what the scriptures say to do!!! and if we say we follow God and we put God first, then not follow His Word, oh boy, did we just did a very bad thing!)  

We can't expect people to know how to love if we start telling people the problem is you, you need to fix it.    If a person who expected you to 'be God' for them acts up when you are not "god" for them, then teach them in love who God is.  With patience.   With love.  With right judgement and prudence in our actions.

Look marymary, I’m not trying to totally discount what you are saying, but I feel deeply its unbalanced in that what I just spoke above is also needed to be held in consideration to the situation we’ve been discussing.