True Love of the “Romantic” sort (by “Romantic” mean that it includes physical erotic feelings and desires) that a man feels for a woman, or that a woman feels for a man, is part selfishness, and also part unselfishness. If it is only selfish, it is NOT TRUE love. If it is only unselfish then it is NOT ROMANTIC love.
Don’t let anyone discredit True Love, or these feelings you had for this woman. Even famous, rich, super handsome men are rejected.
Be honest. You have not wanted or allowed a significant, special, intimate, exclusive relationship with everyone who has wanted a significant, special, intimate, exclusive relationship with you. In this regard, you are selective, always have been, always will be. So, just as you have the right to decline such relationships that other may want with you, others have the same right to decline your interest and invitations in this regard. No one has done anything wrong in declining in this regard. Jesus’ command to love our neighbor as ourselves does not and could not include having a significant, special, intimate, exclusive relationship with everyone.
Get clear in your mind about what Love is, and what is your role as a Man is in Courtship and Marriage. As a man, you are the Initiator. The Man asks for a woman’s phone number. The Man asks her out. The Man plans the first day. The Man initiates the first kiss, the first hand holding. The Man asks her to marry him. And so on. These are not mere social conventions, but part of God-created Human Nature itself. Don’t let an instance of Unrequited Love impede you from your God-created role as the Initator.
Practice the particular male virtue of Courage. You must push past feelings of sorrow over this unrequited love. Get up and get going! Make yourself. This is no time to be Wimpy. Women HATE Wimpy men. Crazy as it may seem, woman fall in love with “bad boys” who will never remain faithful to them, but will never have feelings of romantic love for the Nice Guy who will always be faithful to them, but who is Wimpy. Think about that. Check yourself. See if maybe you have elements of Wimpy-iness. I bring this up since moping about an unrequited love for a long period of time is a sign of a Wimpy Man. God loves everyone, but no woman loves a wimpy man. Remember that.
Read Pope Benedict XVI’s first encyclical, “God is Love.” It talks about the difference between “eros” love and “agape” love, and how they sometimes are intertwined. Here’s a summary of that encyclical: [
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One person in this thread wrote: “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act (action). Love is an act that comes from the will.” Many Catholics books repeat this. It is true. But it is not the whole truth about Love, whether Divine or Human. Love is manifested in feelings AND in actions. I say: Don’t get misled into either extreme, of thinking of love as nothing but good actions for the beloved, or of love as nothing but good feelings for the beloved.
Some people belittled your love for his woman by calling it “attachment.” That comes from certain psychologists who are really hostile to committed, forever, trusting, intimate love in a marriage. Dont’ buy into that. It is good to be attached in marriage. The Bible says so, and so do many Catholic essays and articles.
Some people say that True Love in the Romantic sense is not even that important, as compared to loving God and receiving love from God. Don’t buy into that. Unless you are called to be a priest or monk, giving and receiving love in marriage IS important. In general, humans need both human love and Divine love.
When Person A pines over a lost love (or almost love), I think it is usually not so much about the one that got away, as it is about feelings within Person A that he isn’t very attractive or valuable to members of the opposite sex, and so Person A is really in deep fear that he will never be liked, loved, and wanted by any woman that he (Person A) likes, loves and wants. What can Person A do about such inner thoughts/feelings? Do whatever it takes! Person A can: (1) just decide that he is attractive; (2) do things to make himself generally more attractive to and desirable to women; (3) learn better means of communicating his value quickly to women (people very quickly get interested or uninterested in members of the opposite sex); (4) refuse to give into despair; (5) resolve to stop wimpy moping.
Quit trying to make romantic love TOO Christian and TOO Christ-like. All love between a man and a woman MUST be significantly selfish and self-serving, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that. Even the current pope says that in his encyclical titled “God is Love.” No one goes on dates, gets engaged, or gets married for entirely or even mostly spiritual, unselfish reasons. Don’t be too spiritual, or you’ll get all mixed up. For most of the history of the Catholic Church, there was a strict distinction made between the lay people, on the one hand, and those who are following the Evangelical Counsels, on the other hand. You are a lay person. You have a vocation to marriage and children. So you are not called to be 100% unselfish all the time as are monks and nuns. You live in the world, you are involved in business enterprises, and you will get marriage and you will take pleasure in engaging in sexual intercourse in marriage. A lay person cannot live a life that is totally self-sacrificing, in my opinion. A lay person must find the right mix of selfishness and unselfishness. The Catholic Church really does teach that, according to books I have read.
I once read a letter by Karl Keating, the founder of Catholic Answers, in which he said he completely rejected the concept of there being just one person who is “meant” for you. He said that instead of that, he felt that there were many people who would make a good spouse.
