Why do women crave to be desired?

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nodito

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Perhaps this is a topic better suited for the philosophy forum, but sometimes those conversations go above my paygrade. If there were a psychology forum, I’d write it there, but you guys get pretty close sometimes, so stick with me here.

I’m a woman. This is not about anything currently happening with me or my marriage (I’m happily married to a great guy and have no complaints).

I’ve been reflecting lately on what I sense is a sort of primal need of myself and of other women I know; namely, a desire or craving to be wanted. Really wanted. Not just loved, appreciated, and accepted (which I think is also important) but to actually be desired (physically and otherwise) and wanted and to the exclusion of all other people.

I’ve noticed that while watching movies, the subplots that resonate most with me and that I find myself reflecting most on are those in which a male character deeply desires a female character, in a “I really wish I could have this person but can’t” kind of way. This is true even of movies in genres like action or fantasy (LOTR and the Hunger Games come to mind) that aren’t traditionally romantic movies.

I believe that a lot of times women go looking for love in the wrong places because they’re trying to fill a void that God is meant to fill. God loves us unconditionally, so I can understand our need to feel loved unconditionally, because we were made by our creator to feel and return His love. But this desire to be craved sexually and otherwise to the exclusion of others feels different to me. Not a Father’s Love - more like a devoted and impassioned lover. What is this need speaking to?
 
Probably some evolutionary/social reasons. If a woman knows a man desires her physically, that gives her some power and leverage, even though the man is probably much physically stronger.

Although it’s not an exclusively female thing, obviously. Men want to be physically desired by women too.
 
In my view it isn’t only the ladies that have this “need”. The gents have this attachment as well. It is called egotism. Some of us suffer from its grip more than others. I put need in parentheses because I view it as a want based in fear and greed not a need.
 
I think it’s a very basic desire to be wanted physically and mentally so as to procreate and ‘pin down’ a provider / protector.
 
SusanneT said:
I think it’s a very basic desire to be wanted physically and mentally so as to procreate and ‘pin down’ a provider / protector.
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Could be.

And/or it could be misplaced desire that is really a craving for some deeper expression for creative outlet in one’s life.
 
nodito said:
Perhaps this is a topic better suited for the philosophy forum, but sometimes those conversations go above my paygrade. If there were a psychology forum, I’d write it there, but you guys get pretty close sometimes, so stick with me here.

I’m a woman. This is not about anything currently happening with me or my marriage (I’m happily married to a great guy and have no complaints).

I’ve been reflecting lately on what I sense is a sort of primal need of myself and of other women I know; namely, a desire or craving to be wanted. Really wanted. Not just loved, appreciated, and accepted (which I think is also important) but to actually be desired (physically and otherwise) and wanted and to the exclusion of all other people.

I’ve noticed that while watching movies, the subplots that resonate most with me and that I find myself reflecting most on are those in which a male character deeply desires a female character, in a “I really wish I could have this person but can’t” kind of way. This is true even of movies in genres like action or fantasy (LOTR and the Hunger Games come to mind) that aren’t traditionally romantic movies.

I believe that a lot of times women go looking for love in the wrong places because they’re trying to fill a void that God is meant to fill. God loves us unconditionally, so I can understand our need to feel loved unconditionally, because we were made by our creator to feel and return His love. But this desire to be craved sexually and otherwise to the exclusion of others feels different to me. Not a Father’s Love - more like a devoted and impassioned lover. What is this need speaking to?
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“PO…TAE…TO”.

‘LOTR’ - do you mean Sam craving Rosie Cotton?

Maybe in the scenario presented by the OP such a person just wishes to feel appreciated?! :twocents:
 
This isn’t a “woman” thing. Plenty of men want to be this also. They just don’t express it because it’s one of those things that’s not considered “manly” for a guy to express.

I think many if not most of us have a yen to be wanted and needed and the most important person in the world to a special somebody. As someone else said it is probably inborn as an encouragement to couple up and procreate.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
This isn’t a “woman” thing. Plenty of men want to be this also. They just don’t express it because it’s one of those things that’s not considered “manly” for a guy to express.

I think many if not most of us have a yen to be wanted and needed and the most important person in the world to a special somebody. As someone else said it is probably inborn as an encouragement to couple up and procreate.
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+1

All humans want to be wanted. That Cheap Trick song ain’t no joke.
 
I’m a guy (not in a relationship, nor seeking a relationship until I’m done advancing my education) and I have a very potent - to the point of burning - desire to be romantically loved at the exclusion of all others.

I don’t know whether women have this urge stronger than men or not. I don’t’ think so. My personal belief is that women are more vocal and expressive about it whereas men tend to bury it more.
  1. Men aren’t the sex which bears children, which affects our psychological/neurological makeup as well. There are less inhibitions/ safety guards that enable them to more readily become addicted to a promiscuous lifestyle. Women can be addicted to promiscuity as well, but it doesn’t seem to happen as easily.
  2. While men are less guarded towards their bodies, they are more guarded towards their mental states, since as the biological progenitors/protectors/hunters, it is prudent to maintain an appearance of strength at all times. This means expressing intimacies such as “wanting to be desired exclusively in a romantic context” probably aren’t going to be on the surface nor readily shared. Men frequently experience awkwardness over these subjects.
I think it makes evolutionary sense that men are generally the seekers and women are the sought, which is why women get swept away in movies. I know lots of women that have gone to see a movie because a certain male actor was in it, but I don’t know a single male who has gone to see a movie specifically because a female actor was in it. There are plenty of very attractive female actresses out there, but I don’t have any desire to see a movie because a certain actress is in it. It doesn’t provide any satisfaction for me because I’m not actually involved in anything. I’m a passive audience.
 
friardchips said:
“PO…TAE…TO”.

‘LOTR’ - do you mean Sam craving Rosie Cotton?

Maybe in the scenario presented by the OP such a person just wishes to feel appreciated?! :twocents:
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What are the first abreviations?

LOTR - I was thinking more of Aragorn and Arwen. The Sam/Rosie plot line never seemed that impassioned.

I think it’s more than being appreciated, although I think women (especially mothers) would like to feel that too.
 
puzzledtoo said:
In my view it isn’t only the ladies that have this “need”. The gents have this attachment as well. It is called egotism. Some of us suffer from its grip more than others. I put need in parentheses because I view it as a want based in fear and greed not a need.
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Huh. What makes you think the instinct to be wanted is evil or disordered?
 
nodito said:
Huh. What makes you think the instinct to be wanted is evil or disordered?
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If it is not properly ordered, the desire to be exclusively loved turns into idolatry, which is a grave sin.

There are tangible proofs to determine whether or not this has happened:
  • If a woman compromises her purity and dignity in order to win a man, then she has made the man into her god.
  • If a woman loves a man, but won’t compromise her values in order to gain him, then she still loves God first.
Desires are neither good nor evil. In order to be good, they have to be ordered towards good ends. Anything that puts the living God in 2nd place is gravely evil.
 
nodito said:
What are the first abreviations?
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It is Sam in the ‘LOTR - Two Towers’ film. He looks at Gollum and says in strong western accent: “PO…TAE…TO”. It means ‘potato’. No reason for writing this except it led into talking about Sam.

Maybe Rosie was just hiding her impassioned feelings for Sam; after all, she was at work. He was definitely in love with her, on some level. And she, for he.
LOTR - I was thinking more of Aragorn and Arwen. The Sam/Rosie plot line never seemed that impassioned.
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Aragorn and Arwen were in love. Not just blazing with passion. They couldn’t be together because he was too wrapped up in his own ideas of how things should be (or rather, shouldn’t). I didn’t find their on-screen chemistry that electric. But it is a long time since I read the book. Maybe their passion was more pronounced literarily.
I think it’s more than being appreciated, although I think women (especially mothers) would like to feel that too.
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Definitely to do with pro-creating.
 
I think everyone has this desire and I think it comes from a natural desire to know God through others.
 
It turns out that this is a fairly open area in the research. What researchers know is that what women say they want is not the same as what actually causes physical responses related to the question. (Researchers have joked that if this is not true, then based on what will bring about data they are seeing women are far less discriminating that the researches can believe they are.)

There has been conjecture that evidence of physical responses not in keeping with what women say in interviews they would choose may have to do with how often in the course of human history women did not have choice about how these things would go. Women who automatically became physically predisposed at the thought not of what they desired but at the thought of being desired would have been less likely to have been injured by a partner not of their own choosing or by an experience not at a time not of their own choosing. That automatic response would enhance their chances of survival. It would be no surprise if women’s mental desires followed what brain functions deeper than their awareness predisposed them to find desireable.

At any rate, there is a lot of paradox in female desire and a lot of conjecture about why those paradoxes exist. The people who have made a career studying these things don’t have any simple answers yet. The idea that women not by what they ought to want or what they want to want or what they think they want but instead by thinking about desiring what someone else has chosen for them does make some repugnant books, like Fifty Shades of Grey, easier to comprehend.

If you think about it, if women want to be wanted in a world where what they want has not always been theirs to obtain directly also makes men and women more complementary, even as it predisposes them to infidelity or sexual misconduct that has different motives.
 
I will turn you to “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla.

I would say it can be about experiencing love, acting love, giving love, receiving love.

The problem revolves not in desire itself, or love itself, we yearn for love and being loved, but how this are being developed consciously in our societies. What does desire mean and what does love mean, and how do we act them.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
Probably some evolutionary/social reasons. If a woman knows a man desires her physically, that gives her some power and leverage, even though the man is probably much physically stronger.

Although it’s not an exclusively female thing, obviously. Men want to be physically desired by women too.
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I was reading something recently that said the desire to loved becomes stronger in men as they get older, yet lessens in women. When men are young their sex drive is strong, but as they get older it lessens. By contrast a woman’s sex drive can become stronger when she is older. It is becoming common for women to care less as to whether or not their husband desires them once children become independent. By contrast, the husband seeks to be desired more yet in a loving, nurturing sense as opposed to physical love. Thus, there is something is what you say.

Recently, I have seen so many married couples divorce that have been married 20+ years. Interestingly, the man’s issue is his wife is not giving him the love and attention he desires in terms of companionship. By contrast, the wife no longer desires her husbands companionship - nor in fact any man other than in a platonic sense. She wants to be free to pursue her own interests and not feel obligated to look after someone else.
 
I’m not saying that our wanting to be wanted is evil. Disordered, yes probably. I don’t believe it is a need. I believe it is because we have forgotten our true selves and the ego craves attention. We are whole and complete. The ego doesn’t see it this way in my view. Probably making my view clear as mud. Sorry for that.
 
It is built into our beings by God, who in the second chapter of Genesis said “It is not good for the man to be alone” and in chapter 3 said to Eve “your urge shall be for your husband”. CCC 1603 also reinforces this by stating that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, coming from the hand of God.
 
puzzledtoo said:
I’m not saying that our wanting to be wanted is evil. Disordered, yes probably. I don’t believe it is a need. I believe it is because we have forgotten our true selves and the ego craves attention. We are whole and complete. The ego doesn’t see it this way in my view. Probably making my view clear as mud. Sorry for that.
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It is entirely possible that this is based on a physical response which was physically protective in humanity’s fallen state–that is, women who have had the physical responses of desire when they are aware of desire in another were less likely to experience physical harm from the desire of another–that is, in the fallen state women have so often had no choice that it was protective to experience desire when one was desired by someone else.

It is important to understand in ourselves that some of us may have a physical propensity that is not suited to a society in which women’s freedom to choose her spouse and to choose a relationship of holy mutual trust is protected.

It is kind of like having a physical preference for sweet foods that is better-suited to a time when there were no refined sugars. Understanding that we could have a physical bent to choose in an inappropriate way could help us to understand what is a response beyond our control and what it is that we may use our free will to choose. If we understand how our bodies work, we can interpret our bodies’ signals more wisely. We can be on guard against following desires mindlessly and may be less likely to overestimate our resistance against physical impulses we can only control to a certain degree. (I mean that we can control our choices, but not our feelings or our physical responses to a certain situation, and we have to be aware ahead of time of the power those influences might have on us.)
 
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