Why do women crave to be desired?

[egretps]

Research shows men are more ‘romantic’ psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201408/whos-really-more-romantic-men-or-women

Although the bible states that women would desire that their men would dominate, or rather LEAD them. I think women need to be able to respect their men, in order to properly Love them. Women know that men are romantic and want to see evidence of it in order to know that they are loved.

But ultimately, everyone wants to be appreciated for their efforts, and themselves.

 

[EasterJoy]

Research shows men are more ‘romantic’ psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201408/whos-really-more-romantic-men-or-women

Although the bible states that women would desire that their men would dominate them. I think women need to be able to respect their men, in order to properly Love them. Women know that men are romantic and want to see evidence of it in order to know that they are loved.

But ultimately, everyone wants to be appreciated for their efforts, and themselves.

“…Yet your urge shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Gen. 3:16b

Yes, it could be that an automatic response of excitement at the idea of being desired could be a physical consequence of the fall.

 

[Augustine]

Gen 3:16:

Your desire will be for your husband.

 

[Xantippe]

I suspect that men also crave to be desired.

Perhaps this is a topic better suited for the philosophy forum, but sometimes those conversations go above my paygrade. If there were a psychology forum, I’d write it there, but you guys get pretty close sometimes, so stick with me here.

I’m a woman. This is not about anything currently happening with me or my marriage (I’m happily married to a great guy and have no complaints).

I’ve been reflecting lately on what I sense is a sort of primal need of myself and of other women I know; namely, a desire or craving to be wanted. Really wanted. Not just loved, appreciated, and accepted (which I think is also important) but to actually be desired (physically and otherwise) and wanted and to the exclusion of all other people.

I’ve noticed that while watching movies, the subplots that resonate most with me and that I find myself reflecting most on are those in which a male character deeply desires a female character, in a “I really wish I could have this person but can’t” kind of way. This is true even of movies in genres like action or fantasy (LOTR and the Hunger Games come to mind) that aren’t traditionally romantic movies.

I believe that a lot of times women go looking for love in the wrong places because they’re trying to fill a void that God is meant to fill. God loves us unconditionally, so I can understand our need to feel loved unconditionally, because we were made by our creator to feel and return His love. But this desire to be craved sexually and otherwise to the exclusion of others feels different to me. Not a Father’s Love - more like a devoted and impassioned lover. What is this need speaking to?

 

[EasterJoy]

I suspect that men also crave to be desired.

There is actually a physiological difference when you compare physical response to stated conscious desires. Women will have physical responses and unbidden fantasies about things that they do not, in any way shape or form, actually desire in a conscious sense. They will respond physically not just to the object of their own desires, as men will, but are also far more likely to respond to desire shown by others.

One researcher said that by comparison men have a switch marked “off/on” and women have a control panel of buttons and dials that aren’t labeled. People joke about the fancies of women being difficult to figure out, even for women, but there is some truth to it.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Perhaps this is a topic better suited for the philosophy forum, but sometimes those conversations go above my paygrade. If there were a psychology forum, I’d write it there, but you guys get pretty close sometimes, so stick with me here.

I’m a woman. This is not about anything currently happening with me or my marriage (I’m happily married to a great guy and have no complaints).

I’ve been reflecting lately on what I sense is a sort of primal need of myself and of other women I know; namely, a desire or craving to be wanted. Really wanted. Not just loved, appreciated, and accepted (which I think is also important) but to actually be desired (physically and otherwise) and wanted and to the exclusion of all other people.

I’ve noticed that while watching movies, the subplots that resonate most with me and that I find myself reflecting most on are those in which a male character deeply desires a female character, in a “I really wish I could have this person but can’t” kind of way. This is true even of movies in genres like action or fantasy (LOTR and the Hunger Games come to mind) that aren’t traditionally romantic movies.

I believe that a lot of times women go looking for love in the wrong places because they’re trying to fill a void that God is meant to fill. God loves us unconditionally, so I can understand our need to feel loved unconditionally, because we were made by our creator to feel and return His love. But this desire to be craved sexually and otherwise to the exclusion of others feels different to me. Not a Father’s Love - more like a devoted and impassioned lover. What is this need speaking to?

Everyone wants to be loved and wanted, not just women.

I have known outlaw bikers and scientific geniuses, homeless and family people. Everyone of them wanted love and to know someone needed them.

 

[nodito]

There is actually a physiological difference when you compare physical response to stated conscious desires. Women will have physical responses and unbidden fantasies about things that they do not, in any way shape or form, actually desire in a conscious sense. They will respond physically not just to the object of their own desires, as men will, but are also far more likely to respond to desire shown by others.

One researcher said that by comparison men have a switch marked “off/on” and women have a control panel of buttons and dials that aren’t labeled. People joke about the fancies of women being difficult to figure out, even for women, but there is some truth to it.

EasterJoy, this is very interesting to me. Could you link to one of these studies so I could read more?

 

[nodito]

Everyone wants to be loved and wanted, not just women.

I have known outlaw bikers and scientific geniuses, homeless and family people. Everyone of them wanted love and to know someone needed them.

I agree with this. I’m sort of interested in the difference between wanting to be loved and wanting to be wanted.

I read an article today that tried to argue this point by saying that if all a woman wanted was to feel loved, she would never leave her parents’ house, because her parents will always love her unconditionally and would never divorce her. The author’s conclusion was that women desire lust, which I would not agree with, but it does resonate with me that there’s something particular about wanting to be sexually desirable to another person and not just loved/valued/appreciated/needed, etc.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

I agree with this. I’m sort of interested in the difference between wanting to be loved and wanting to be wanted.

I read an article today that tried to argue this point by saying that if all a woman wanted was to feel loved, she would never leave her parents’ house, because her parents will always love her unconditionally and would never divorce her. The author’s conclusion was that women desire lust, which I would not agree with, but it does resonate with me that there’s something particular about wanting to be sexually desirable to another person and not just loved/valued/appreciated/needed, etc.

I would say a lot of the desiring to be sexually desired is

1. A function of biology. We need to attract a mate to bear and help us raise our children
2. The media. Sex sells. The media dictates how we should look, think, feel, act in a secular world.
3. Back to biology, At ovulation our hormones want to drive us to procreation.

At some level we are still mammals. We have our seasons just as any mammal does. The only difference being we don’t have a limited time to procreate, ie summer, winter, spring. We can procreate all year round.

God gifted us with our reproductive systems and no doubt ensured we would do just that.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, this is very interesting to me. Could you link to one of these studies so I could read more?

Here is one from a journal that doesn’t charge to see its papers:
journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0142575

If you find articles in the popular press about the author, you can find the names of other researchers in the field to look up, as well.

Her conjecture about why women respond as they do seems reasonable to me, and certainly more plausible than the idea that women actually directly desire all the things that cause a response. (Researchers–I do not remember if it includes her–found that women typically do not have much of a response at all to a “still life” of a person who is objectified in a way similar to the way women are objectified in men’s magazines: hence, the conclusion that men are more likely to physically respond to a direct object of desire whereas a woman is more likely to have a physical response to an expression of desire in another person or a situation where the emotion of desire is expressed.)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I read an article today that tried to argue this point by saying that if all a woman wanted was to feel loved, she would never leave her parents’ house, because her parents will always love her unconditionally and would never divorce her. The author’s conclusion was that women desire lust, which I would not agree with, but it does resonate with me that there’s something particular about wanting to be sexually desirable to another person and not just loved/valued/appreciated/needed, etc.

On the parental point, many people lack loving relationships with one or even both of their parents. Even people with loving parents realize that their parent will probably die before they do. And of course, you cannot have sex or bear children with your parent, and these are two things that most humans have an inclination, if not a powerful urge, to do. Many if not most people also feel that their parents don’t fully understand them (if for no other reason than the parent comes from a different era), and people want to find someone who understands the parts of themself that their parent, even if very loving, does not “get” or cannot fully relate to.

 

[edlinked]

{Love as Desire
… we can in turn speak of desire as one of the aspects of love. Again, it translates the Latin phrase amor concupiscentiae, which indicates not so much that desire constitutes one of the elements of love, but that love is also contained in desire. It belongs to the essence of love, as fondness does, and sometimes is manifested in love most strongly. Thus, the medieval thinkers who spoke about love of desire (amor concupiscentiae), as they similarly spoke about love of fondness (amor complacentiae), were completely right. Desire also belongs to the very essence of this love that is established between a woman and a man. This proceeds from the fact that the human person is a limited being, and not self-sufficient, and therefore —speaking most objectively— he needs other beings. Acknowledging the limitations and insufficiency of the human being serves as a point of departure for understanding the relation of this being to God. Man needs God, just as any other creature does, simply in order to live.

At this point, however, something else is at stake. Man, the human person, is a woman or a man. Sex is also a certain limitation, a certain one-sidedness. Thus, a man needs a woman as if to complement his being, and in a similar way she needs a man (8). This objective, ontic need is manifested through the sexual drive. The love of the person X toward the person Y grows on the substratum of this drive. This love is love of desire, for it proceeds from a need and aims at finding the missing good. This good is a woman for a man, and a man for a woman. Thus, objectively speaking, their love is love of desire. However, a deep difference occurs between love of desire (amor concupiscentiae) and desire itself (concupiscentiae), especially sensual desire. Desire presupposes a sensual feeling of some lack, and this unpleasant feeling could be removed by means of a certain good. In this way, for instance, a man can desire a woman. A person then becomes a means to satisfy desire, just as food is used to satisfy hunger (this comparison is quite deficient). Nevertheless, what is hidden in the word “desire” suggests a relation of utility, and in the given case the object of this relation would be a person of the other sex. This is precisely what Christ spoke about: “Whoever looks at a woman in order to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt. 5:28). This sentence explains much concerning the essence of love and sexual morality. This problem will be outlined more fully in the analysis of sensuality.
} pg 64-65 “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla

 

[edlinked]

{
So, love of desire is not reduced to desire alone. What is crystallized in this love is merely an objective need of a being directed to another being, which is a good and an object of pursuit for the former. However, in the consciousness of the person who is the subject of this pursuit, love of desire is not manifested in the least as desire alone. This love is manifested only as longing for the good of oneself:”I want you, because you are a good to me.“ The object of love of desire is a good for the subject: a woman for a man, a man for a woman. Therefore, love is experienced as a longing for a person and not as desire alone, concupiscentia. Desire goes hand in hand with this longing, though it rather remains, so to speak, in its shadow. The loving subject is conscious of its presence and knows that it is in a sense at his disposal, but if he works on his love for the other person, he does not allow desire alone to prevail; he presents it from overpowering all that is above it and belongs to his love. For even if he does not understand, he nonetheless feels that this predominance of desire would in a certain way deform love and deprive them both of it.

Although love of desire is not identified with sensual desire alone, it nonetheless constitutes that aspect of love in which –especially concerning the man-woman relation— attitudes close to utilitarian ones can settle in most easily. For, as has been stated, love of desire presupposes a real need, thanks to which (to use the words just employed) “you are a good for me.” The good that serves to satisfy a need is in some way beneficial or even useful. But to be useful or even beneficial is different from being an object of use. Thus, one can simply state that through its aspect manifested in love of desire, love closely approaches the field of utility, permeating it nonetheless with its own essence. Therefore, true love of desire never turns into a utilitarian attitude for it always (even in desire) originates from the personalistic principle. Let us add that amor concupiscentiae comes to light also in love of God, for whom man can long and does long as the good for himself. This is also the case in love between persons Y and X – if we apply a remote though eloquent analogy. The problem of their relations precisely in this area requires a particular precision so as not to see in sensual desire alone the full equivalent of love of desire and, on the other hand, no to think that the essence of love — the love of which a human person is capable in relation to another human person (all the more in relation to God) — is exhausted completely in love of desire.

*(8): A man needs a woman as if to complement his being, and in a similar way she needs a man.:…In this case, we need to remember that the use of the “as if” indicates a qualified sense, especially that the complementarity spoken of here pertains to the ontological level, the level of being. Since each of them, a man and a woman, constitutes an ontologically complete, integral being in a fundamental relation to God through the act of creation, the sense is not absolute. At the same time, Wojtyla does not exclude the fact of man’s, so to speak, ontological relationality, in which man needs the other not only for the preservation of his existence but also for his personal fulfillment or perfection. Such thinking is probably grounded (at least to some extent) in the Biblical account of the creation of the first man and woman in Genesis 2 verses 2:21-23.
} pg 64-65 “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla

This is chapter 2 the Person and love, which talks about the metaphysical analysis of love, that includes love as fondness, love as desire, love as benevolence, the problem of reciprocity, from sympathy to friendship and spousal love. Then it goes to talk about the psychological analysis in part two and part three about the ethical analysis of love.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hope it goes without saying that we all have desires rooted in our fallen nature that we should neither feel ashamed for having–these things can be prompted by biology that is beyond our control–yet not feel free to follow simply because they come so easily.

‘If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them.’
St. John of the Cross

The unreliability of our desires as a compass for deciding what is good or bad or what is or is not pleasing to God is why we must fast and practice other concrete acts of self-mastery rather than just spend time in thought about what we need to do or think about. It is fruitless to try not to want what we want, as it were, automatically. Our task is to achieve mastery over what we decide to want, what we decide to pursue or not pursue, over what we decide to make a priority

That is why I would advise the OP not to spend a lot of time concerning herself about why she has the automatic desires she does, but rather to consider how to actually pursue those things that she ought to pursue and think on those things that she profits by thinking about.