Why does getting over an abusive childhood take so long?

[Mary_Gail_36]

Serap, my heart broke when I read your post. You are a very strong woman.

One time I was watching Mother Angelica on EWTN, and a woman called in about her abusive mother. She told her that she felt as if though she had no mother. Mother Angelica told her “I’ll be your mother.”

Honey, we all have the perfect mother, Our Lady. When your past comes back to haunt you, cling to her. Imagine her holding you in her arms.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand something in your post, Is your mother still married to your father?
I think forgiving them is good. I’m not sure forgiveness means, “What you did was O.K.” I think in order to keep your sanity, and to keep your children safe, you could choose to not see them.

You could honor them in other ways, through prayer and asking the Lord to have them repent sincerely. And ask the Lord to forgive them

Again, I’m sorry. Take one day at a time.

 

[Serap]

OP, have you sought out any counseling or therapy to help with the abuse from your childhood? Or are you trying to recover or heal on your own from the childhood abuse?

Recover from childhood abuse is like peeling an onion, there are layers and layers to getting over it. And you may even get to a point that things stabilize and then something can trigger a memory and you’re back to peeling away another layer. Its a process, its not something that ever really goes away, not entirely. But you grow and you heal, gradually. I would caution trying to jump right to forgiveness, if you try to stuff all the other emotions that come with healing such as grieving for what you didn’t have and even being angry. It is like grieving for a death in the family, the death of your childhood and just like the steps that one goes through in the grieiving process, you go through something similar when healing from abuse.

If it were me, I would limit my time with either my parents. It sounds like your mom is just triggering a lot of memories of the abuse for you right now.

Exactly! The birth of my daughter first triggered it b/c I often look at her and think of what I was going through at her age. She is our Princess and she’s so loved. She’s confident, kind, empathetic, and very DEMANDING I’m just glad I’m doing something right.

It was then triggered by my son’s birth. If I weren’t together, I could be treating him badly to get back at my father and I’m glad that I’m past that stage of getting better.

To think of it, I could also be doing the same to my daughter to get back at my mother.

My layer of onion now is morning over the loss of my parents. They will never be what I want/wish/hope they will be. I have been in this stage now for 2 years…it’s just taking so long!!!

I get impatient. I just want to be over it and for me, this stage of healing seems to be stalling. I keep getting down about it. I just can’t seem to let go.

 

[Serap]

Serap, my parents’ weren’t’ physically abusive, but my grandmother was, physically and sexually, and unfortunately I was round her too much. She had also been abusive to my mom, which in turn made it hard for my mom to cope with being a mom sometimes, through no fault of her own of course, but it did make it hard on us as kids in some ways. My dad on the other hand has a personality disorder, and was very emotionally and mentally cruel and he was never complimentary just critical, and was very distant and aloof. He loved to pick a favorite and then have the favorite torture the other siblings. He is VERY charming in public, to no family members, sounds a lot like your dad in that way.

Thankfully in a way, my dad ‘formally’ disowned me several months back. He wrote me a letter saying, he no longer considered me related to him in any way and he wouldn’t contact me ever and I should do the same with him. Oh well. It’s only made my life more peaceful.

Anyway, not to blather on about me but I can relate to how you feel. One thing that has helped me a TON is simply not having contact with my grandmother. For years and years our relationship was a source of huge amounts of stress for me. It got to a point where I realized that the stress was keeping me from being the best me, and mother that I could be. That scared me. Why should my children suffer becasue I’m wrapped up in being stressed about this twisted relationship with my grandmother? She is who she is and she isn’t going to change. The more I thought about it the more I realized I’d be guilty of not living up to my parenting obligations if I kept letting her stress me out. I just decided the abuse had to STOP somewhere and if not with me, then when?

The thing is, with these relationships, I was holding out hope that people will change drastically. The reality is when people are abusive and don’t acknowledge it and realize they have a problem they CAN’T change, it’s impossible. I had to stop wishing these people could be who I needed them to be, because they simply aren’t capable. It’s probably the case with your parents as well. When you are able to let go of that expectation, first you mourn, because it’s a realization that you’re never going to have in them the relationship that you need. Then, you realize you’re able to breathe and you have so much more energy because you’re completely turning them and your relationship with them over to God. He is the ONLY one that can possibly have any effect on people like this. For me, that has meant not contacting my grandmother (or grandfather by proxy). Guess, what, she hasn’t perused contacting me either, for nearly a year now. What does that say about how she feels about me? She wanted me to chase her down, and I’m sure my dad wants me to grovel at his feet as well. It’s not going to happen.

As to your question of how long it takes…I don’t think there is complete healing in this life, but I think there is a lot towards healing that can be done. I think you have to be realistic about who these people really are and who they are capable of being to you. Then you give them completely to God. Then you take every need you have for a mother to Mary and a Father to God and you pray diligently for them to fill in the gaps for what your parents couldn’t do for you.

Forgiveness…that is what I mean by giving them to God. Let go and let God as some people say. Stop investing your energy and let God work on them.

You’re an amazing woman. I will print this off and read it when I need it most.

 

[Serap]

I understand your pain. I went through a great deal of the same with my mother, and my father was often absent due to his work.

It took me until I was in my 40’s to figure out why she was the way she was, and treated me the way she did. Once I had that breakthrough, I was able to start dealing with it. I’m not going to tell you that the hurt will go away – mine hasn’t. And I still see the effects my childhood has on my psychological makeup: lack of self-confidence, hesitancy to stand up for myself, and instinctive avoidance of “being a bother” . . . When she died, my grief was more for the fact that I never felt I really had a mother, than for her.

All I can tell you is to be good to yourself. Remind yourself that you are who YOU are, not who she says you are. Stick to your guns about not being around her too much. And when you can, pray for her.

These stories are inspirational to me. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Serap]

Because abused children “have trust issues”, for one thing.

If your trust has been continuously betrayed over a period of years, then it is difficult to figure out who to trust and when to trust them. It is difficult to appropriately “calibrate” your sense of trust.

For another thing, it is difficult to know what constitutes appropriate behavior if we have been steered, guided, suggested, ordered, pushed into behavior that was inappropriate in some cases and outright wrong in other cases.

Basically, you have to undo your own personality and construct a new one for yourself.

One way of doing that is to find people, real or in books or imaginary, who have some quality or some ability that we admire and then emulate just that one quality or ability.

And gradually, brick by brick, build a new personality.

It won’t be perfect and it won’t be complete, but that is one way.

If anyone wants to do some research, do a search for “toxic adults” or “toxic parents”. There is actually a lot of material on the subject. One of the authors is “Davenport”. “Working with Toxic Older Adults”]

Most libraries have at least a few books on the subject.

Believe it or not, one co-sufferer is someone named Laura Schlessinger. And she has spoken and written quite a bit about the subject and her experiences. Visit her Web site, get her books from the library, and use her experiences to help create new building blocks.

On her radio program, she makes suggestions to callers that can be very helpful, if appropriate to you, in terms of constructing new personal personality structures for yourself.

Just hang in there and continue to make incremental improvements.

One thing that helps a lot is prayer. Seriously. Divine intervention and guidance, actually works; “adult spirituality”. Ask the Holy Spirit to put the right and appropriate words on your tongue.

Thank you. I am working on myself brick by brick. It’s just so hard to deal with it all you know. I have recently begun making some great friends with wonderful women over the past 2 years - people that I admire and respect. I think I’m on the right path.

 

[Serap]

Your story has a lot in common with mine. In my case - the short version - is that my parents were abused and they tried to undo what was done to them and as a result my mother over-loved me to the point of leaving me helpless and jobless at 40 and my dad ignored me. I have no self-respect either and keep getting into abusive relationships where I am the victim.

You have identified your problem and I hope that you learn to resolve it as I am trying

Prayers to you!!!

 

[Serap]

I’m so sorry you are having so much trouble with your childhood. I can relate…different reasons, but…I suppose the same outcome.

I think all the other posters have already said what I was going to say (and then some), so my first reaction was not to respond…but I really wanted to say that I am sorry for your pain…I hope things get better for you.

Oh, and sometimes writing helps. Do you like to write?

I take it your husband has similar problems? Can you talk to him/and he to you?
One thing I miss with my ex is that we were able to talk about our odd upbringings and sometimes we were able to help one another.

And re:the parenting thing…find a good friend, and confide in them. I am blessed to have a childhood friend that I can confide in. She and her husband are a true blessing.
(we all grew up together, and they were well aware of my messed-up foster home;0)

And, as to normal? I’m sure you are just fine…what’s normal, anyway??

You are amazing that you were a fosterchild and have learned to cope. Good for you!

It’s a struggle isn’t it!!!

I hope that I can too learn to cope with things better.

 

[Serap]

First off: you sound like a hero to me! For you to go forward with your life like that is something I wish I could have done. I think someone was praying a lot for you, b/c reading your post, most people in your shoes with no one praying for them probably would have ended up in a funny farm.

My mom means well, yet I realize now, in my mid-40s, that she is not capable of giving to me. Period. Once I realized that, it lessened the pain/burden on me to keep trying to get something out of her that is simply not there. She is shut down, for the most part. So, when she told me she didn’t want my son and I to stay with them overnight after flying to see them and my sister “because they were cramped in their home” -after feeling punched in the stomach—I realized I could keep trying to reach her, or simply accept what she can give. Same goes for Dad, although with him I must keep my emotional distance. (They live 1/2 way across the country) IE I am not welcome in my parents’ home. Also–she did not want to be around my “retarded” son. You can’t believe the pain I felt over that.

As a Catholic, what’s so neat for me is the notion of redemptive suffering / offering it up for something else. This changed my whole perspective. In scripture also, the notion of joining your suffering to Christ’s suffering is just so cool…because now THERE’S SOMETHING GOOD THAT CAN RESULT IN ALL THE PAIN YOU SUFFERED! IE—there’s grieving to do…but then God can use it for someone else!
When I was giving birth to my special needs child and we both almost died, I distinctly heard in my head “Offer up the pain for your father-in-law.” Not yet Catholic, I’m like —then afterward I heard that at that exact moment he almost died on the operating table! Anyway, all that to say God does not and will not waste your suffering, if you give it to him…not that your parents will change, but maybe in Heaven you’ll see people who have benefited from what you endured. You’re awesome:thumbsup:

I’m a hero? Thanks!!! LOL.

I too sometimes feel something watching over me. I don’t want to sound crazy, but I have had divine intervention all my life even when I wasn’t religious. It’s wierd…like something/someone has been protecting me up in Heaven. I can’t explain it.

Here’s an example: I used to walk home alone wee hours at night and whenever I was in danger, I could hear a voice in my head say, “Go that way!!!”, so I’d turn in the other direction and then I’d see a shady looking man in the alley way that I has almost walked by.

I probably sound kinda crazy I guess I’m blessed if someone in Heaven is praying for me.

 

[Serap]

Serap, I can tell you what helped me was looking at my life now and what is good about it and acknowledging that my childhood, although abusive, led me to where I am today and I like who I am today. A different childhood would have meant a different me. Focus on what is good about you today and acknowledge that your past, while not ok, helped shape you into the loving mother you are today.

I also made a choice to love my parents as they are. I treat them the way I wished they had treated me. That advice was given by a priest at a talk I attended where he was the guest speaker. It was the best advice I had ever been given and I’m glad I took it. It’s led to moments that I never expected to happen - like my father breaking into tears when I told him I loved him. And my mother apologizing to me for how she treated me when I was younger. They are still not easy to be around and they are still capable of hurting me when I least expect it. That’s where limiting your time with them comes into play.

God’s blessings and healing be upon you!

Great advice!!! Maybe my mother will one day apologize to me to. That would be so nice to hear.

I have many blessings in my life and I’m very lucky. You are absolutely right!!!

 

[Serap]

I heard a psychologist once say that what happens in childhood is “written in stone” on the person’s psyche. I had a mentally ill mother, so I can relate to you. The thing I do that gives me the most joy is simply to focus on my own husband and children. If you’re busy working to be the best mom and wife you can be,you don’t have much time to dwell in the past. You also have the right to cut off all contact (IMO) if you your parents only cause you pain. :console::console:

Amen!

 

[Serap]

Serap,
I can relate to this also. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive mother growing up. It took me until about two years ago finally feel free from her and most of the pain. I went to her and confronted her many times as an adult but only to receive complete denial on her part. My sisters have reassured me that I was not crazy and that she really was abusive. If you don’t mind I would like to tell you what helped me but I realize that your experiences were very different from mine so I know I can never know what you are going through. I think staying away when the relationships are toxic is a good idea too.

When I came back to the Church I went to confession for the first time as a adult. I wanted to let go of the pain, hurt and anger I had for her. I confessed and felt like I had forgiven her. It was a relief. But then whenever I saw her she was still the same and had not changed and I always went home stung, hurt and angry. My priest said in a homily one time that forgiveness is not forgetting the pain and hurt of what someone has done to you. It is an act of the will. So this was very helpful. So I gave it to God and prayed that I would feel love for her in my heart.

I did go to a counselor and a psychologist too. But they did not help me to be less angry or hurt when the abuse was ongoing every time I saw her. They did help me some with my anorexia and body dysmorphia which were a direct result from her criticism, put downs, and unrealistic expectations. I still have horrible problems with body image and struggles with anorexia but not to the same extreme.

After my father died I was the only one who lived near my mom so I am the one who is there for her now most of the time. This is what ultimately helped our relationship to heal somewhat. I was able to confront her lovingly with tears in my eyes each time she said something abusive. And she listens now and accepts that she has hurt me and she has apologized to me. I think her heart was softened because she is dependent on me now and she is also very sorry for how she treated my dad when he was alive. She can now see how she has hurt people. We actually get along now and she is very nice to me most of the time although she still is emotionally abusive to me once in a while. I think her finally admitting that she hurt me and apologizing was the key to my being able to truly let go of the pain and really love her.

I read psalm 139 quite often and it helps me a lot. The words are so beautiful and about how God loves us so much and is always there for us. My prayers are with you Serap. God bless.

I too keep telling God I forgive my parents and then they do something and I get angry all over again; or I’ll look at my beautiful daughter and I’ll get angry all over again.

They ain’t kidding when they say that our children are reflections of ourselves. I see so much of myself in her character!!! She’s a lot like me; especially the demanding part

I’m glad you got better and you are happier now. Good for you for caring for your mother even if she wasn’t loving towards you!!!

 

[Serap]

Serap, my heart broke when I read your post. You are a very strong woman.

One time I was watching Mother Angelica on EWTN, and a woman called in about her abusive mother. She told her that she felt as if though she had no mother. Mother Angelica told her “I’ll be your mother.”

Honey, we all have the perfect mother, Our Lady. When your past comes back to haunt you, cling to her. Imagine her holding you in her arms.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand something in your post, Is your mother still married to your father?
I think forgiving them is good. I’m not sure forgiveness means, “What you did was O.K.” I think in order to keep your sanity, and to keep your children safe, you could choose to not see them.

You could honor them in other ways, through prayer and asking the Lord to have them repent sincerely. And ask the Lord to forgive them

Again, I’m sorry. Take one day at a time.

Thanks Mary Gail.

 

[Serap]

Ok, I finally had a chance to respond to you all. Thanks so so much for your help!!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I often feel like I’m different (tainted) somehow b/c of what I’ve been through.

I have to try and stop letting the abuse define who I am today. I have come so far and I should be proud. I just need to keep working on things…that onion sure is huge!!!

It’s just so hard! I feel like I’ll never be normal…Christmas is always so sad for me. I’m hoping that my kids (as they grow up) will fill my life with what I’m missing…family and love! I really love my husband (don’t get me wrong), it’s just that family is so important to me and I really want to be surrounded by love. I want to share my happy times with them and feel like I have unconditional love. I don’t care about money, status, etc…at the end of the day, I just want love.

 

[mommamaree]

I just finished reading all the previous posts and I am amazed at the amazing advice and compassionate responses that I read here. I considered not responding, except that I wanted you to know, Serap, that you are definitely not alone in either your family history or your current struggle. There are a whole bunch of ‘unspeakables’ that went on in my family. To my sorrow and horror, I watched as a ‘Christian’ family was torn asunder by such egregious sins that today the relationships are all reduced to charades. I struggle every single day with learning how, as a Christian (and specifically as a new Catholic), I might fully love these broken people without exposing my precious children to danger. Thankfully, for my sanity’s sake, I live across country from most of my family, and for the most part, they cannot be bothered to travel so far. But I still struggle with feeling ‘dirty’ or angry. Sometimes I recognize I feel calloused toward their present suffering. Sometimes I wish Jesus would come down bodily from on High and knock them upside the head a bit to shock them out of their destructive behaviors. But mostly I feel very sad a lot of the time.
What a joy it is to be able to create a loving home with a spouse! How amazing it is when God gives us such great joys to follow deep suffering! I thank God everyday for my husband and my children and more recently, for my newfound Catholic faith that has led to a dramatic transformation of my inner life.
I read recently a column on Catholic Online by a priest who recommended the confessional as superior to counseling. While acknowledging that professional counseling does have its place, it was helpful to me to hear that taking the sins of others against us to the confessional has healing power, too. This was news to me, obviously. As I read this column, I felt increasing excitement that here is offered a legitimate path toward healing from very deep childhood abuse/neglect/manipulation wounds. We are able to confess our difficulty with dealing with how others have sinned against us, and ask God to help us forgive, to help us heal.
Another thing I remember reading recently while searching for Catholic methods of emotional healing is that Jesus will need to probe our wounds with his healing fingers to find the root of our pain and heal us from the inside out. It will hurt a lot as Jesus probes that wound, but our healing will be complete if we will only submit to his touch. Anything less than complete surrender to the painful healing process would be like covering a bullet wound with a Band-Aid, woefully inadequate and ultimately fatal.
So Serap, you are not alone on this journey toward healing as adult children of toxic parents. But as our Protestant brethren love to proclaim, we have victory in Jesus. Just as the circumstances of our childhoods may differ, so do our paths toward healing, but the destination and the source is the same - wholeness in Christ Jesus. And we can all pray for each other, offer up our suffering, and atone for the sins of others - in short, in Christ Jesus we are made capable of doing the hard work to which he calls us in order to bring about the Kingdom of Heaven.

 

[Serap]

I just finished reading all the previous posts and I am amazed at the amazing advice and compassionate responses that I read here. I considered not responding, except that I wanted you to know, Serap, that you are definitely not alone in either your family history or your current struggle. There are a whole bunch of ‘unspeakables’ that went on in my family. To my sorrow and horror, I watched as a ‘Christian’ family was torn asunder by such egregious sins that today the relationships are all reduced to charades. I struggle every single day with learning how, as a Christian (and specifically as a new Catholic), I might fully love these broken people without exposing my precious children to danger. Thankfully, for my sanity’s sake, I live across country from most of my family, and for the most part, they cannot be bothered to travel so far. But I still struggle with feeling ‘dirty’ or angry. Sometimes I recognize I feel calloused toward their present suffering. Sometimes I wish Jesus would come down bodily from on High and knock them upside the head a bit to shock them out of their destructive behaviors. But mostly I feel very sad a lot of the time.
What a joy it is to be able to create a loving home with a spouse! How amazing it is when God gives us such great joys to follow deep suffering! I thank God everyday for my husband and my children and more recently, for my newfound Catholic faith that has led to a dramatic transformation of my inner life.
I read recently a column on Catholic Online by a priest who recommended the confessional as superior to counseling. While acknowledging that professional counseling does have its place, it was helpful to me to hear that taking the sins of others against us to the confessional has healing power, too. This was news to me, obviously. As I read this column, I felt increasing excitement that here is offered a legitimate path toward healing from very deep childhood abuse/neglect/manipulation wounds. We are able to confess our difficulty with dealing with how others have sinned against us, and ask God to help us forgive, to help us heal.
Another thing I remember reading recently while searching for Catholic methods of emotional healing is that Jesus will need to probe our wounds with his healing fingers to find the root of our pain and heal us from the inside out. It will hurt a lot as Jesus probes that wound, but our healing will be complete if we will only submit to his touch. Anything less than complete surrender to the painful healing process would be like covering a bullet wound with a Band-Aid, woefully inadequate and ultimately fatal.
So Serap, you are not alone on this journey toward healing as adult children of toxic parents. But as our Protestant brethren love to proclaim, we have victory in Jesus. Just as the circumstances of our childhoods may differ, so do our paths toward healing, but the destination and the source is the same - wholeness in Christ Jesus. And we can all pray for each other, offer up our suffering, and atone for the sins of others - in short, in Christ Jesus we are made capable of doing the hard work to which he calls us in order to bring about the Kingdom of Heaven.

Beautifully said. You should be so proud of yourself!

 

[Chochy]

I read recently a column on Catholic Online by a priest who recommended the confessional as superior to counseling. While acknowledging that professional counseling does have its place, it was helpful to me to hear that taking the sins of others against us to the confessional has healing power, too. This was news to me, obviously. As I read this column, I felt increasing excitement that here is offered a legitimate path toward healing from very deep childhood abuse/neglect/manipulation wounds. We are able to confess our difficulty with dealing with how others have sinned against us, and ask God to help us forgive, to help us heal.

There absolutely is a legitimate path toward healing. God seeks us out in love, to embrace us and bring healing to those of us who are hurting. God is never limited to what is taking place in our lives today. He can easily go back into our histories, into our deepest internal wounds and even right back to the very beginning of our lives. God heals!

The Institute for Christian Ministries (ICM) offers a two-year training program entitled “Formation for Healing Ministry.” Participants of the program are trained to become members of prayer teams. Teams meet with supplicants to pray for their physical, emotional, relational or spiritual healing. Check it out. Lay and ordained people are needed to bring the healing power of Christ into their parishes.

When someone hurts me, it helps me to remember the words of Jesus on the cross. “Father forgive them. They know not what they do.” I also try to remember that too often, hurting people, hurt people. Knowing this never excuses another person’s hurtful behaviour, but it does stop me from “striking back” because two wrongs never make a right. I then ask God to give me the strength to forgive the action and deal with the person, the way I would want someone to address my own mistakes.

I have had miraculous results. Trust Him. He really does know best. Blessings