Why does it seem like even Catholic and Christian girls are shallow?

[benjammin]

Being a not very attractive man, why is this. I’ve heard many girls say they want a godly man in their life, but look the other way at a guy like me in favor of the better looking guy. Now i’m not saying their aren’t good looking guys who are godly, but lets just say those of us who got beaten with the ugly stick are at a disadvantage. Why is it that even devout girls (and yes girls devout guys ) are so shallow?

 

[Christine85]

Maybe you just have not met the right devout girl.

 

[RPRPsych]

Being a not very attractive man, why is this. I’ve heard many girls say they want a godly man in their life, but look the other way at a guy like me in favor of the better looking guy. Now i’m not saying their aren’t good looking guys who are godly, but lets just say those of us who got beaten with the ugly stick are at a disadvantage. Why is it that even devout girls (and yes girls devout guys ) are so shallow?

I agree with Christine, such things take time. Maybe the right person hasn’t yet come along.

 

[boomerang]

This is reality: a good-looking person, either male or female, will always attract more potential mates. The homely person just has to try a little harder. Work on your personality. Learn some jokes. Learn how to talk, and how to listen. If you are lacking in social graces, well, that is something to work on. Also, take a critical look at your appearance. There might be a lot of room for improvement there. Losing weight, a nice haircut, nice clothes and shoes. Never leave the house looking like a bum, you never know who you’ll run into. Like maybe a future wife!

 

[Elisabethelisa]

Maybe you just have not met the right devout girl.

Agreed!!
And physical beauty is so subjective. “No one is ugly, there is always someone who will find you beautiful.”

And as Booomerang said, appearance has a lot to do. If you don’t feel confident about the way you look, you might want to change a few things. My 1st advice would be going to the gym or do whatever sport you want. It will give you way more confidence, improve your health, your body…etc. And sometimes thats all you need. Not forgetting God obviously

God bless you.
E.

 

[Cat]

Speaking from a strictly biological point of view, it is built into women (by God) to select a mate who is most likely to be able to successfully have sex and father children, provide food for the family, protect the family from dangerous situations, and survive healthily for many years to be able to take care of the wife and children.

Although these traits don’t necessarily mean that a man must be handsome, generally speaking, handsomeness includes traits like height (taller), weight (slimmer but not frail or too skinny), body build (muscular), atheticism (especially speed and grace), clear eyes, healthy mouth, deep voice (indicates high testosterone), sex appeal, witty/funny (indicates a good brain that thinks fast and accurately), etc.

All of these “handsome” traits indicate a man who will be able to have sex and father children, and then take care of those children by providing for and protecting them.

OTOH, the traits commonly considered “homely” traits seem to indicate a man who would be unsuccessful in having sex/fathering children, and/or being capable of providing for those children. These traits would include shortness, fatness, softness, clumsiness, slowness, dull eyes, squeaky voice, unhealthy mouth (poor dental alignment, bad breath, etc.), poor health (allergies, limps, headaches, stomach problems, ticks, etc.), dull mental skills (boring, whining,) etc.

I fully realize that Christians, of all people, should be willing to look way PAST biology and realize that physical traits don’t necessarily indicate which men will be successful at fathering children and taking care of them. There are plenty of short, dumpy men who have fathered many children and taken good care of them. And there are plenty of hunky guys who are impotent or infertile, and who have failed to provide even the basic needs for their families.

BUT…biological drives are very strong in human beings, as they are in all animals. We’ve all seen the nature shows in which the peacock with the most gorgeous display of tail feathers wins the mate! And many male animals “court” a female mate by strutting their physical prowess!

I agree with another poster on this thread that a man who does not appear to be a good “catch” must work extra hard to prove to women that he will be a good lover and father, and that he will sacrifice to be able to provide for his family. He must “strut” a little–but not too much, or he will come across as vain and self-centered.

It’s tough for men! Just remember that there are many more females who are looking for a mate than males, and eventually, a determined man will meet a women who is a good match for him.

 

[coachdennis]

Image is more than what a person looks like, it is a whole package of what a person communicates to the world.

Change comes from within. I have known many people who may not have been handsome or beautiful by the standards of the day but had a personality, a “glow” that came from within that communicated to others “I want to be around this person.” This does not necessarily mean an obverly outgoing personality – I have known people who are quiet, some would say shy, who still are open to people.

I have also known people who were drop dead gorgeous whose attitude was unapproachable and offputting.

When it comes to finding someone in your life, my experience was that when I kept trying it was a disaster. But when I “got out of my own way”, I found the love of my life. Remember the old expression: Let go, and Let God!

Does that mean you sit on a rock and just wait? No! It means preparing yourself internally to be open to the workings of God in your life.

Again, all change comes from within.

 

[marykate2]

It sounds like you have faced recent rejection.

May I ask, what girls are you approaching? The very pretty ones? Or are you noticing the women who might be interesting-looking instead of beautiful, quiet and self-effacing instead of outgoing, a little bit taller/shorter/wider/narrower than the status quo?

There used to be someone for everyone. I always laugh when I think of Julia Child. 6’2", interesting but not classically beautiful, and older (she married @38), yet such a great person and partner when her husband finally caught her! But by today’s standards, she would likely be dismissed.

If you are seeking out the women that get approached often by guys, then isn’t that doing the same thing that you are saying women do? Look at the women that you might dismiss at first pass. There is likely a hidden gem.

Also, it is much easier for a guy to work with whatever he has, no matter how little. Be a normal weight, have a clean, neat appearance, dress like an adult, and fake self-confidence when you say hello to a woman. You will improve your appearance a hundredfold.

 

[Scoobyshme]

If I’m going to buy a loaf of bread, I don’t go to a furniture store, do I? I go to a grocery store or a bakery!

Likewise, a “good, faithful” spouse would be probably not be found getting drunk in a bar or a concert!

I would recommend starting with some sort of faithful Catholic youth group. Then, start culling out those who are most faithful to God. If they aren’t faithful to God, why would you expect them to be faithful to you?

 

[EasterJoy]

You’ve been asking out even the devout girls you think have been “beaten with the ugly stick”, and they don’t have the time of day for you? You don’t *tell them *you think they’re homely, right? You might try the tack of trying to find something beautiful about them.

IOW, what you see in the mirror may not be the only thing that isn’t overly attractive. Your attitude–that is, that the girls who reject you must be shallow–isn’t particularly atttractive. If I’m a girl and hear you talking like this, what am I going to think? “Oh, great. If we don’t hit it off, that makes me shallow. Plus, I have to listen to him complain about his own looks. What am I supposed to do…agree with him that he’s bad-looking, or argue? Super. I can do without that.”

 

[benjammin]

If I’m going to buy a loaf of bread, I don’t go to a furniture store, do I? I go to a grocery store or a bakery!

Likewise, a “good, faithful” spouse would be probably not be found getting drunk in a bar or a concert!

I would recommend starting with some sort of faithful Catholic youth group. Then, start culling out those who are most faithful to God. If they aren’t faithful to God, why would you expect them to be faithful to you?

Thats what I mean though, I go to church and don’t even get noticed. I go to catholic events, people think of me as a nice guy, but thats it. Trust me, I hate bars and that. Thats the whole point. Even girls who arre “faithful catholics” pick only the good looking ones. Sometimes it works out and in those cases i’m happy, but a lot of times they pick guys who only want one thing. Of course they don’t even look at me even though i’d never cheat or lie or do anything bad to them, but do they care? No! It’s like they want to be treated like ****, which I know isn’t true or right.

 

[benjammin]

You’ve been asking out even the devout girls you think have been “beaten with the ugly stick”, and they don’t have the time of day for you? You don’t *tell them *you think they’re homely, right? You might try the tack of trying to find something beautiful about them.

IOW, what you see in the mirror may not be the only thing that isn’t overly attractive. Your attitude–that is, that the girls who reject you must be shallow–isn’t particularly atttractive. If I’m a girl and hear you talking like this, what am I going to think? “Oh, great. If we don’t hit it off, that makes me shallow. Plus, I have to listen to him complain about his own looks. What am I supposed to do…agree with him that he’s bad-looking, or argue? Super. I can do without that.”

Well would you rather me be super jerk who thinks he’s hot stuff but isn’t? I actually have a good personality, im just tired of picky girls. Also, why change. Shouldn’t people love me for who I am. God does.

 

[mcw013]

Being a not very attractive man, why is this. I’ve heard many girls say they want a godly man in their life, but look the other way at a guy like me in favor of the better looking guy. Now i’m not saying their aren’t good looking guys who are godly, but lets just say those of us who got beaten with the ugly stick are at a disadvantage. Why is it that even devout girls (and yes girls devout guys ) are so shallow?

I totally agree with the OP, while I’m not considered “a bad looking guy”, I do have many different values that stand out from the rest, as a result I can relate to girls looking at other guys who are as shallow as them. It’s an epidemic, it’s all over, I lived in 60 countires and it is really all over. It does not bother me, as I do not care to be around such people at all, but I agree with them being shallow, it is nothing more than plain truth (or maybe that is just in my generation).

 

[robotsarecool]

Fair or not, most people want to date people they find physically attractive. Just a fact of life. I don’t know what the girls you are going for look like, but if they are all the “really pretty”, or “hot” girls and you don’t go for girls who are more on your attractiveness level, then you probably won’t have a whole lot of success. I agree, people are too focused on looks, but I think this includes less attractive people as well. People of all attractiveness levels tend to all go for the attractive people. It isn’t right or fair, but it is how it is. If you are going for the really “attractive” girls, try going for girls that aren’t considered as “attractive”.

I know growing up (I was awkward and unpopular, but a kind and giving person) I had it happen so many times where I would have a major crush on a guy who complained about, “no girls liking him,” or being turned down all the time. The whole time he would complain to me not realizing that I liked him. Once I told a guy I liked while he was complaining about no girls liking him and I said, “Well, I like you.” Then he turned me down. I generally find these kind of things go both ways.

 

[chevalier]

Being a not very attractive man, why is this. I’ve heard many girls say they want a godly man in their life, but look the other way at a guy like me in favor of the better looking guy. Now i’m not saying their aren’t good looking guys who are godly, but lets just say those of us who got beaten with the ugly stick are at a disadvantage. Why is it that even devout girls (and yes girls devout guys ) are so shallow?

Don’t judge the entire pool by a couple of isolated samples.

Even then, you see, it’s easier to see shallow motivations in others than in ourselves. Our logic circuitry acts weird sometimes and we’re even capable of “obvious” errors like going for the looks and complaining that the target rejects us for our own plain exterior. Or going for the very smart (because it’s attractive) and complaining that the target prefers to stick where he or she can find sufficiently stimulating conversation.

Also, while you can find people attracted to all sorts of people (“ugly” people have girlfriends or boyfriends too), you can’t force attraction. Whatever people’s motives are you need to accept that they have the right to make their free choice. Even a choice for which they would be paying day by day. You know the adage: marry at haste, repent at leisure. Right? But there’s still choice. And that choice belongs to the person whose it is to make.

In fact, people aren’t shallow just because they don’t choose you (or me for that matter). True, they may have some less than sublime inclinations. I sure have mine. Don’t blame people for not being able to give up on their dreams as shallow as they may appear to you. The desire to share one’s life, in love, with a certain partner, is a very intimate part of someone’s life, it touches his or her sensitive core.

Besides, if a girl were shallow, then changing her mind about you (or me or anybody else) wouldn’t make her any less shallow, it would just be a random fact. You wouldn’t be interested in someone you believed to be shallow, anyway, so in a certain that’s a win-win situation. She doesn’t end up in a relationship with someone she doesn’t find as attractive to her, subjectively!, as other guys. You don’t end up in a relationship with a girl you believe to be shallow. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you believed to be shallow anyway. (Unless she isn’t shallow but you simply find her mating choices shallow, in which case they don’t determine her whole person!)

So, (1) quit judging, (2) find a girl you click with.

Remember that negativity can turn people off when looking for the man or woman to share their life with! For example, as much as I may like a girl and wish her the best, if she lets it loose and puts a wall of complaining about life on me in every message, I just can’t think about dating her. I can see myself as a friend, some kind of confidante perhaps, a bit of a garden variety agony auntie (or uncle, in my case). But there’s a block when it comes to romantic thinking or feeling. It can work the same when a woman meets a man who focuses on complaining or has a negative attitude, especially one that’s quick to judge. So, don’t be quick to judge or to give people labels. Try to see the whole person. With flaws, sure, but those flaws aren’t the whole person. This is different from choosing a romantic partner where we don’t make a morality competition but choose more according to what we simply like or not, what gets us attracted and what doesn’t. Which is subjective and a matter of taste.

 

[chevalier]

This is reality: a good-looking person, either male or female, will always attract more potential mates. The homely person just has to try a little harder. Work on your personality. Learn some jokes. Learn how to talk, and how to listen. If you are lacking in social graces, well, that is something to work on.

Not always, and emphasis on potential. Besides, a man will almost always be reasonably good looking if he keeps himself fit and groomed and dresses carefully. There’s plenty of other reasons to be disqualified for. If looks were more important than personality, I wouldn’t be single.

Notice that some people generally want “sexy” or else they don’t feel the incentive to think about a relationship. Static good looks won’t help you there. Ever heard the expression “cold fish”? Whatever gets you to be judged manly and that desireable is more in your act than the static look. Obviously, when it comes to “sexy”, it gets to border on a baser expression of physiological sexuality, some of which borders on intentional titillation or a lack of awareness of such matters (which is hard to pull off when you have some basic knowledge of non-verbal communication, i.e. body language, let alone some anthropological bent). Mating rituals aren’t always easy on the conscience. Therefore a Catholic who is not blissfully ignorant of the workings of physiological aspects of attraction will be at a disadvantage. Especially when competing for the attention of someone who basically needs innuendo in order to think in relationship terms.

I don’t normally want to introduce economic terms but when you, for ethical reasons, can’t offer the supply, then you won’t meet the demand. So move on. Big time traders, investors and entrepreneurs probably need to have nerves of steel to pass up on self-destructive bargains that only look as attractive opportunities but can’t follow through.

Also, take a critical look at your appearance. There might be a lot of room for improvement there. Losing weight, a nice haircut, nice clothes and shoes. Never leave the house looking like a bum,

Elective factors are important! What nature gave you or not you have no choice over but the way you carry yourself and groom yourself, that’s up to you. Your face expression and largely your mood are also up to you.

(But there’s a fair difference between motivating yourself and even forcing it on some days, and lying to yourself and others. If it would be the latter, you probably need to talk to a counsellor or some kind of motivation specialist or other advisor who’s been trained to help people in a rut. Nothing shameful in being in a rut and wanting out. It’s more shameful not to want out or to be in denial.)

you never know who you’ll run into. Like maybe a future wife!

True. That’s one thing to motivate you to keep your composure and not allow your external order to fall apart. As a lawyer I knew once said, the external order is a reflection of the internal order. We’re more used to the adage that you shouldn’t judge a book by the cover but these are a bit different things. There’s a reason why soldiers shave, brush their teeth, probably also shine their shoes, in combat zones as well as any. Keeping your stuff together physically, outwardly, is a good exercise in keeping yourself together in all circumstances, not panicking, not giving up, keeping a cool head and also your ability to act. Your ability to act makes you different from people who run around in circles waving their hands.

Another thing, don’t neglect your opportunities. Back in the time it wouldn’t have dawned upon me to go to the courthouse without being ready for the kill just in case. Same for the academia and even church. When I was in a bit more collected shape than now (having some unresolved issues while absolutely needing to work 16 hours a day for months is not too easy on your self-comfort), the same went even for trips to visit my family or even any time I hit the pavement, basically. Above all remember that circumstances may be independent from you but the way you react depends on you and so does preparation. Whenever you rein in infirmity, anxiety, stage fright or gloominess or lack of motivation (you don’t need to get fully motivated, you just need to do what needs to be done), you enable yourself to make use of all the opportunities that are up for grabs. Seize the day. And be prepared because preparation frees up resources that you can use to improvise about the other things that couldn’t have been predicted.

 

[chevalier]

Fair or not, most people want to date people they find physically attractive. Just a fact of life. I don’t know what the girls you are going for look like, but if they are all the “really pretty”, or “hot” girls and you don’t go for girls who are more on your attractiveness level, then you probably won’t have a whole lot of success. I agree, people are too focused on looks, but I think this includes less attractive people as well. People of all attractiveness levels tend to all go for the attractive people. It isn’t right or fair, but it is how it is. If you are going for the really “attractive” girls, try going for girls that aren’t considered as “attractive”.

Perhaps worth noting is that nerds ten to lose out on attractiveness with many people no matter their good looks, especially the natural part (that doesn’t depend on following a style that’s pleasing to the crowds). There’s a number of factors that move people between “categories” despite their looks. I’ve also heard multiple times of the example where a particularly beautiful woman can’t find a man because all are intimidated. Or everybody presumes she already has someone. She ends up having to take whatever comes her way.

Presumptions are counterproductive anyway. Just try and see if it works. If it doesn’t, you learn experience and acquire a tougher skin. If it does, well, now you have to do something! By the way, starting the relationship is only a start. “Getting” the girl is not the end of your adventure with her, it’s only the beginning. You need to know what to do next. Then starts the planning and the compromising and you need to be ready and able to commit or else she may well not stay. Plus, some relationships start but don’t work out, so just because it started isn’t a guarantee. If you don’t start certain relationships at all, it can actually be a filter saving you time, energy and disappointment.

I know growing up (I was awkward and unpopular, but a kind and giving person) I had it happen so many times where I would have a major crush on a guy who complained about, “no girls liking him,” or being turned down all the time. The whole time he would complain to me not realizing that I liked him. Once I told a guy I liked while he was complaining about no girls liking him and I said, “Well, I like you.” Then he turned me down. I generally find these kind of things go both ways.

I suppose he had some kind of issues that needed working out and it was too far gone for a simple contrary action by one girl to change it for him. It would probably have required a major shift in his outlook that he wasn’t ready for. Which is not to say anything bad about him, maybe he needed time to heal. Wounded people don’t act or think in a fully rational way.

Also, this isn’t really fair but notice how people get a confidence boost when others are attracted or interested. They get the boost and take it but they don’t actually enter into a relationship with the person who’s interested. For this or that reason, it won’t work. Not necessarily for an immoral or ethically questionnable reason: it’s probably flattering when a divorced person or otherwise unable to marry is interested but as Catholics that want to follow the laws of God and Church, we can’t help the reality.

Well would you rather me be super jerk who thinks he’s hot stuff but isn’t? I actually have a good personality, im just tired of picky girls. Also, why change. Shouldn’t people love me for who I am. God does.

Ben. You need to get rid of that sense of entitlement (which is a personality thing, not a part of your looks). You have a good personality? Perhaps, but it’s not really up to you to judge, especially not in terms of romantic attractiveness. And you can’t prove a good personality by complaining about other people being bad. Tired? Well, find new strength or rest for a while and then try again, sometimes you just need a cooldown. Picky girls? Why shouldn’t they be interested in finding a good catch just as you are. Besides, you wouldn’t be happy with a girl who were with you only because she weren’t picky. Why change? To be a better person. Shouldn’t people love you? They should, but you can’t sue it out of them. And loving you, which many of them do on some level (in the loving thy neighbour sense) is not the same as being in love with you or being attracted to your qualities (and just because someone isn’t attracted to you doesn’t mean she’s failing to love you as a neighbour). God does love you perfectly but people are not God. Perfection is normally only in heaven. On earth, even the canonised saints were sometimes difficult to live with.

 

[Demetra2]

Many have people have given you good ideas about personal appearance. As a dental hygienist I will offer the advice of having very good oral hygiene.I have seen many young men as patients who were clueless about how important good oral hygiene in terms of making a good impression. Obviously you should be daily brushing and flossing and using an alcohol free antibacterial mouth rinse and avoiding garlic and onions just prior to a social function. If you have not had a good cleaning and polishing to remove plaque, stains and tartar do so immediately! Then take a good look at your haircut and clothes and fingernails and get them updated. No matter what your level of attractiveness naturally is you can improve it and make the most of what you have. Work out at the gym, volunteer, take a course to help you with your field of employment. Men who are neat, well dressed, thoughtful and ambitious will be able to atrract a good woman at some point. Reassess your strengths and weaknesses and then improve but don’t give up. There is someone for everyone!

 

[robotsarecool]

Another note. I am actually very happily married now actually to a guy that I went to High School with and I never would have thought would have been interested in me. We started dating junior year of college.

I am considered physically attractive, but in my jr. high and high school days, I was awkward, dressed in an unflattering way, had some pretty bad hair cuts, and went overboard on make-up. When I went to college I changed how I dressed to a more flattering and age-appropriate ( a little nicer too) look ( I still retained my essential style and wore things I liked, they were just better cuts and fits and combinations), I learned how to do make up better, and figured our what hair cuts looked good on me. I gained a lot of confidence and soon a bunch of guys started coming my way. All it took was figuring out what look worked for me. I never had a guy ask me out in jr. high or high school and all of a sudden many men were interested. I didn’t become more attractive body-wise, or face-wise, I just changed some cosmetic things and that made a big difference.

 

[TimeEntrance]

Being a not very attractive man, why is this. I’ve heard many girls say they want a godly man in their life, but look the other way at a guy like me in favor of the better looking guy. Now i’m not saying their aren’t good looking guys who are godly, but lets just say those of us who got beaten with the ugly stick are at a disadvantage. Why is it that even devout girls (and yes girls devout guys ) are so shallow?

LOL. You’ve been called to celibacy like a gay man.

j/k