Why does it still hurt?

[Lexee15]

I’m sorry for bothering everyone here with the same ol’ song and dance, I just don’t know where else to go with my thoughts and feelings. I just found out today that my husband is living with someone…it’s not even one of the women I knew about. Well I can’t say for certain that he’s living with her but she does spend the night and whole weekends at his “new” home with him and drives him around in his “new” car. I knew something like this was going on, but for it to be confirmed is a whole different ball of wax, I felt like I got punched in the gut :crying: when I was given this news.

I’m not even sure exactly what hurts and bothers me about it since this is his M.O., this is what he does…it doesn’t surprise me…perhaps it’s knowing that being replaced so quickly could only mean that I never meant anything to him that my children don’t mean anything to him :nope:. I wish it didn’t hurt, I wasn’t able to eat anything today…with divorce papers drawn up and everything it still hurt and I hate myself for allowing those feelings. I shouldn’t hurt, I need to be strong, but I’m alone and lonely…wondering what will become of us and praying that he will repent someday so that we can meet again in heaven.

To top it all off he called and left a message that he needed to get some cd’s out of the house and he didn’t want to have to bring the police over to get them :bigyikes: can you believe that!!! He does what he does and still has the gall to threaten me :banghead: I called my attorney about it and he told me to tell him not to be threatening me because the one looking ridiculous would be him after his picture was all over the front page of the paper. I called him back and left a message not to be threatening me and that he would get his cd’s…I told him I would give them to mutual friends, but I didn’t want to see him or any of his accomplise friends. He also said he got the hint that I didn’t want to work on the marriage anymore since he had recieved the divorce papers…on the same message I told him I didn’t know why he was surprised I was giving him what he wanted considering he was living with other women…what did he expect was going to happen!!!

I’m feeling physically bad, like I said I haven’t been able to eat, dizzy spells, etc. I wish I wasn’t putting my unborn baby through this, it can’t be easy to grow in the belly of a women who loses her appetite when she’s stressed Again, sorry for unloading this on all of you…I don’t want to sound like a big baby, thanks for your prayers and support .

 

[gardenswithkids]

Prayers for you and your baby.

Of course it still hurts. You get to share with God some of the pain caused by sin. May God bless you and take care of you and your precious baby.

 

[Della]

Even if you don’t feel like eating, eat for the sake of the baby–just something light like a bowl of chicken soup and saltines.

Secondly, you thought you were in love with this louse, so it’s only natural for you to feel betrayed. My sister went through the same thing with her ex. A ne’er-do-well that as soon as he started to live with his doxy went on welfare like her. Sponges the both of them.

Keep thinking about how wonderful it will be when you are totally free of him and can live in peace with your children. Don’t let him get away without paying you everything you deserve for having his kids and putting up with him as long as you did.

God bless you, dear. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Tonks40]

You know, Lexee, I feel that God has some wonderful things in store for you. I went through a similiar situation with my ex-husband - leaving me to raise two very young children on my own. It did hurt a lot, but as I began to focus on my family, the hurt became less and less.

God loves you soooo much! He hates seeing what is happening to you, yet because of His mercy and love, he continues to give you strength, even when you don’t feel it. Just trust in that, focus on your family during this trial. They’ll come to know who has been there for them all this time and they’ll love you greatly for it!

You’ll be in my prayers tonight.

 

[mary_s_kid]

Hi Lexee,

I’m so sorry you are going thru this. You are still grieving for what you’ve lost that is why it still hurts. What you are going thru is like a death of someone you loved and trusted at one time, not a death in the physical sense. If I remember correctly it hasn’t even been a year since this mess all came to light. You are allowed to grieve and I’m sure whenever you need prayers or encouragement you can find it here. I can’t remember if you are in counseling for yourself but if not find yourself a good therapist. You deserve it and your babies need you to do it.

Talk to your doctor about not feeling well enough to eat. It won’t be the first time he’s heard that and talking about it with him will make you feel better.

You are in my prayers, Lexee. May God bless you and your children.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Hang in there. It could be that you feel so much pain because God want’s you to only have to go through something once in your life. Stick close to God, and the searing memory of this ordeal, plus all the lessons God will teach you will make you happier than you ever imagined in the long run.

 

[FrankR]

You have my prayers dear. I went through this not long ago with my “ex” who was the female equal to your estranged husband in almost every way.

My mantra was to take the high road in all cases. Make that your prayer, and everything will work out for you also.

I know this may be hard, but pray that he finds his way also.

 

[luvmykids]

I am so sorry you are going through this too. Keep up your prayers, offer it all up to God. You are going to get through this with Him. He will give you the strength. This is normal to be feeling this way still. This is a terrible hurt, and it takes a long time to heal. You are in my prayers.

May God bless you.

 

[1ke]

Lexee15:

I’m not even sure exactly what hurts and bothers me about it since this is his M.O., this is what he does…it doesn’t surprise me…perhaps it’s knowing that being replaced so quickly could only mean that I never meant anything to him that my children don’t mean anything to him :nope:.

It hurts and bothers you because you are a kind and caring person who went into a marriage with hope and love. It is natural to have these feelings, which really are likely stages of grief. You are grieving over what could have been, what you had hoped for, and for what will be as you navigate custody and visitation for the children.

It is quite normal, and there is nothing wrong with you. Prayers to you Lexee-- I know it’s rough. The feelings will lessen with time, not much comfort right now I know. Also, remember that whether he cared for you or the children is not a reflection of you– it’s not that you and the kids are lacking. HE is lacking in ability to love and in ability to be a person of integrity. The defect is within him. Just say that to yourself over and over!

Lexee15:

I wish it didn’t hurt, I wasn’t able to eat anything today…with divorce papers drawn up and everything it still hurt and I hate myself for allowing those feelings. I shouldn’t hurt, I need to be strong, but I’m alone and lonely…wondering what will become of us and praying that he will repent someday so that we can meet again in heaven.

Of course it hurts, again because you are a good person not a snake like him. You need to eat for you and for the baby!!!

Lexee15:

I called my attorney about it and he told me to tell him not to be threatening me

Listen to your attorney, and let him be the one to deal with these issues. Remember, the attorney is there to protect your interests. You may feel like giving in on assets, visitation, etc, but you must let your attorney handle all of this-- he is there to be the buffer, he is there to look out for you. Just let your standard response to any call from your husband be: Here is my lawyer’s number, take it up with him.

Lexee15:

I’m feeling physically bad, like I said I haven’t been able to eat, dizzy spells, etc. I wish I wasn’t putting my unborn baby through this, it can’t be easy to grow in the belly of a women who loses her appetite when she’s stressed Again, sorry for unloading this on all of you…I don’t want to sound like a big baby, thanks for your prayers and support .

I’m sorry, I’m not totally familiar with your situation-- are you receiving any counseling? Please seek some help-- you do need someone to talk to (not mom, not friends, etc). You need someone who will just let you process-- a good counselor, hopefully a Catholic counselor.

You do need to eat. Just focus on the future, on your precious little one-- NOT on him at all. Don’t give him that sort of power over you. You are stronger and better than that!!! He can only upset you if you let him-- try not to let him bother you. Yes, he is the one making an idiot of himself publically. Again, no reflection on YOU.

I know it’s hard-- prayers are with you from your friends here at CA.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

FrankR:

You have my prayers dear. I went through this not long ago with my “ex” who was the female equal to your estranged husband in almost every way.

My mantra was to take the high road in all cases. Make that your prayer, and everything will work out for you also.

I know this may be hard, but pray that he finds his way also.

What a great post! Thank you for your witness of compassion in the face of difficulty.

God bless you.

 

[Island_Oak]

I am so sorry for the very real pain you are feeling. But the recent chain of events has focused the spotlight on your spouse and he has shown his true colors. It confirms the wisdom of your decision to leave this heartless louse and move on with your life.

Your children certainly are a gift from God and will be a comfort to you in the wake of this disasterous marriage. You certainly deserved better from your husband and I pray you find true love and commitment with a real man someday. I could also pray he gets what he deserves, but that hardly seems productive (even if fantasizing about appropriate tortures does generate some guilty pleasure )

Find a few well-chosen friends or family members with whom you can share the pain and burden of this time, as well as some of the hidden joy–the upcoming arrival of your new child. As much as possible avoid contact with the narcissistic creep you left behind. Short of a radical conversion, I almost pity what his life will be like in 20 years.

 

[Lexee15]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of compassion and prayers. I am in counseling and have been since I found out about his affairs, it is with a counselor that I found through Catholic Charities, so far it’s been okay. I’m focusing on my new identity (not a wife anymore) and how I got here to begin with…you know why I even chose this man and to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes in my future.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone else, unlike him that’s the last thing on my mind at this point…I also feel a bit scared about it…I feel as if I’ve been burned once and I don’t know if I want to risk that again. Although, I know that there are very good men in this world…I just happened to have chosen a loser, I’m not sure I trust myself anymore when it comes to choosing men.

I do hope and pray that God has mercy on me and puts a good male role model in our lives for the sake of my children, especially my son…whether it’s a husband or just a friend, it doesn’t matter as long as he is a good Catholic, a good man.

 

[Lexee15]

FrankR:

You have my prayers dear. I went through this not long ago with my “ex” who was the female equal to your estranged husband in almost every way.

My mantra was to take the high road in all cases. Make that your prayer, and everything will work out for you also.

I know this may be hard, but pray that he finds his way also.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it is difficult for anyone. Taking the high road is so hard sometimes, I fight every inch of my being keep things quiet. See my soon to be ex is sort of a celeb around these parts. He has a number one rated radio morning show in Chicago so I have to fight everyday to not pick up the phone and just send his career down the toilet. He has a certain image that if fans, advertisers, etc. knew what he’s done he’d be in some deep doodoo. I don’t because I know that it is a vengeful act even if I do feel justified and I also know that in the end my children would suffer if he lost his job or lost wages or ratings. Although, I would give anything to unmask him and let the world see who he really is. And I am praying for him, I have been as hard as it is to want something good for someone who has caused so much damage.

 

[nana3]

I will keep you in my prayers. My sister went through what you are going through. Her husband left her first the first time when she was pregnant with their son. She was 8 months pregnant. He did not have an affair though, that we know of. He did come back for 5 more years, but left for another woman this second time. They are divorce now and it only took less than a year and he is remarrying. He is marrying a woman who has three children. The three children have three different fathers. This tells you about her and her morals. My sister is heart broken. She wondered if he was ever happy with her and more feelings. You could probably understand more than I could what she was feeling. She asked me today the same question you did. Why does it hurt so much? She was marrried for 15 years and now he is acting as her number one enemy. That is hard to swallow. I know that the Lord Jesus does not allow anything to happen that is not permitted or allowed by him. Whatever happens the Lord sustains you in His grace if you only turn to Him. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I will say that you need to eat and try to trust in God that He will care for you and your children. Don’t worry. Ask the Lord to help you think like He does. Go to daily Mass, if you can. I know that my sister suffered so much in her pregnancy, that she has trouble with her little boy now. We don’t know if that has anything to do with what happened to her, but a baby feels what its mother is going through. By problems, I mean he is very insecure without her and has a little anger problem. Poor thing, he is not handling his dad soon to be wedding well at all. I know I was upset with my ex-brother-in-law, but there is nothing none of us can do except to pray for him. I heard the late Bishop Fulton Sheen say that when a person is in mortal sin they are clouded in darkness and the Light of God can not come in. Sad, but all you can do is pray that you will have the strength to go on.

 

[jc-servant]

I will be praying for you and your baby. Definitely eat on a regular schedule even if you have to buy those meal replacement shakes or smoothies in a bottle or something.

It sounds like perhaps you are grieving for the relationship that you wished you had and not the one you actually had. I’ve done this myself, although it was just a boyfriend who I thought that I wanted to marry. (I thank God now that He kept me from a huge mistake, but at the time I felt like my world was ending.) Knowing that your husband is a selfish person does not make it hurt less now, but it may help as time passes to know that this was HIS problem, not yours. Please keep seeing your counselor and don’t listen to attempts at manipulation and guilt from the husband.

As an attorney I definitely always recommend that people take the high road and hold onto their tempers especially when dealing with jerks. He could try to bring to court any hateful emails or voice messages that you leave and use them against you in the divorce proceeding, so just don’t go there even if he acts the fool. When I was a police officer dealing with jerks and drunks I would just keep repeating the same thing to them in a level tone as they tried to argue, etc. Usually they got worn down and complied after I remained calm and if they didn’t then I still could deal with them rationally because I didn’t take their bad behavior personally.

You can build your support network at church and through family and friends. If your parish or another one nearby has a group for divorced and separated people to support each other then I would suggest that as a place to start. Also just a women’s fellowship type of group might be a good place to build new relationships that have nothing to do with your husband. Many times they will have free babysitting at the parish to allow women to attend without cost. I went through the Christ Renews His Parish spiritual formation with weekly meetings for 6 months with several single mothers. We had other “CRHP sisters” who volunteered their teens or nannies to babysit on meeting nights and to give the others a break. Don’t be afraid to let people know that you need some support.

 

[shannin]

Tonks40:

You know, Lexee, I feel that God has some wonderful things in store for you. I went through a similiar situation with my ex-husband - leaving me to raise two very young children on my own. It did hurt a lot, but as I began to focus on my family, the hurt became less and less.

God loves you soooo much! He hates seeing what is happening to you, yet because of His mercy and love, he continues to give you strength, even when you don’t feel it. Just trust in that, focus on your family during this trial. They’ll come to know who has been there for them all this time and they’ll love you greatly for it!
You’ll be in my prayers tonight.

Same thing happened to me Lexee and Tonks40 is giving you good advice. Focus on God, your family and yourself. Bless you.

 

[Fitz]

jc-servant:

I will be praying for you and your baby. Definitely eat on a regular schedule even if you have to buy those meal replacement shakes or smoothies in a bottle or something.

It sounds like perhaps you are grieving for the relationship that you wished you had and not the one you actually had. I’ve done this myself, although it was just a boyfriend who I thought that I wanted to marry. (I thank God now that He kept me from a huge mistake, but at the time I felt like my world was ending.) Knowing that your husband is a selfish person does not make it hurt less now, but it may help as time passes to know that this was HIS problem, not yours. Please keep seeing your counselor and don’t listen to attempts at manipulation and guilt from the husband.

As an attorney I definitely always recommend that people take the high road and hold onto their tempers especially when dealing with jerks. He could try to bring to court any hateful emails or voice messages that you leave and use them against you in the divorce proceeding, so just don’t go there even if he acts the fool. When I was a police officer dealing with jerks and drunks I would just keep repeating the same thing to them in a level tone as they tried to argue, etc. Usually they got worn down and complied after I remained calm and if they didn’t then I still could deal with them rationally because I didn’t take their bad behavior personally.

You can build your support network at church and through family and friends. If your parish or another one nearby has a group for divorced and separated people to support each other then I would suggest that as a place to start. Also just a women’s fellowship type of group might be a good place to build new relationships that have nothing to do with your husband. Many times they will have free babysitting at the parish to allow women to attend without cost. I went through the Christ Renews His Parish spiritual formation with weekly meetings for 6 months with several single mothers. We had other “CRHP sisters” who volunteered their teens or nannies to babysit on meeting nights and to give the others a break. Don’t be afraid to let people know that you need some support.

This is all very good advice. I will pray for you and your baby. I know that this will hurt you for a long time. However, pray and join others that can help you do this. Our parish just started a group for people that are divorced. I know this is harder for you now because this is still so new. Keep thinking that you are doing it for your baby and perhaps this will help you. I will add you to my rosary novena. Lexee, please know that we are all here to pray for you.

 

[Tonks40]

Lexee15:

Taking the high road is so hard sometimes, I fight every inch of my being keep things quiet. See my soon to be ex is sort of a celeb around these parts. He has a number one rated radio morning show in Chicago so I have to fight everyday to not pick up the phone and just send his career down the toilet. He has a certain image that if fans, advertisers, etc. knew what he’s done he’d be in some deep doodoo. I don’t because I know that it is a vengeful act even if I do feel justified and I also know that in the end my children would suffer if he lost his job or lost wages or ratings. Although, I would give anything to unmask him and let the world see who he really is. And I am praying for him, I have been as hard as it is to want something good for someone who has caused so much damage.

Ya wanna hear something funny? My ex and I during our seperation and divorce traveled in the same karaoke circles around the county, and ended up in some singing contests - well, I took the not-so-high-road opportunity to sing a couple of “you-done-me-wrong” songs while he sat in the audience…granted, yeah, it wasn’t the best thing in the world to do, but it was ***very ***therapuedic! And only he and “those-in-the -know” knew what I was singing about! tee-hee!

(Thought you might get a chuckle out of that! And of course, I wouldn’t recommend anything like that.)

Hang in there!

 

[richbansha]

What I am going to tell you is counter-intuitive and will invite many a flame. Just give it a bit of consideration and decide for yourself. Here goes:

Simply take for granted that your husband is a philanderer and try to ignore the details. It is easier than you think. My grandmother did it for 25 years or more. The advantage to this is that you can completely shift the emotional burden to your husband where it belongs. If you can resist the temptation of taking an active role in your marital breakup, then soon, your pain will subside. If you have no part of the breakup, then you have no spiritual or emotional responsibility for it. When the guilt and shame are gone, the heartache is gone with it.

Get your lawyer to drop the divorce petition, then you drop him. If your husband wants a divorce badly enough then he can file himself. If he does then, again, the fault is external to you. You can write it off to his erratic nature. The main thing is that you leave the door open for reconciliation. You must have loved him once. You probably still do. People change as time goes by. There is every chance that he will wise up and finally come to his senses.

Now a word of warning – Much is said about people “moving on with their life”. It is my observation that it never actually happens. Divorced people spend the rest of their days in regret and/or remorse thinking, “I should have done this to my ex” or “I should have said that”. When children are part of it, then the harm spans generations.

Divorce causes far more pain than even death, because the only end to the regret, guilt and pain is the grave. Why live like that if you don’t have to?

 

[SemperJase]

richbansha:

Get your lawyer to drop the divorce petition, then you drop him. If your husband wants a divorce badly enough then he can file himself.

In theory your advice sounds noble but there is a reality that must be dealt with. The marriage is over when a man is living with another woman. The legal part is a mere formality as far as morality is concerned.

The divorce is important for other reasons. There are children who must be provided for. Lexee needs to do what she can to protect her children. It will ensure she gets the child support necessary to provide necessities like food, shelter, and medical care. Letting it go gives him a free pass to continue hiding assets and will allow him to dodge the responsibilities of providing for Lexee and the children.