Why doesn't God send me a good man?

[UpUpAndAway]

I’m sorry for your sister in law. I try to be open, actually made a conscious decision to surrender more and be open to men that pursued me. Instead of finding fault. So this guy pursued and it ended really badly. The thing is I’m not really young I don’t have years to go through the “frogs” as they say, and my heart can’t take it.

I try not to tie relationship to happiness but I definitely feel like a failure on some level. I don’t have many close friends and my closest friend died a month ago.

I have hobbies and interests but it will never replace love. I’m a survivor but I want to thrive. Thank you for your support.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to lose close friends. One of mine is coping with serious health problems right now and I don’t know what I will do if he doesn’t make it through them as our friendship is one of the most extraordinary relationships of my life.

Your hobbies and interests won’t replace love, but they could be a means to finding it. :yup:

Have you ever asked out a guy? I’m very traditional and prefer the man to make the first move, but some men are too timid. I asked out my husband. He never would have asked me out. He said I was way out of his league (not true). Perhaps try asking a man for coffee?

I second this advice. I was the one who made the first move on The (now) Husband, and in fact was the one to propose seven months later! He wisely said no (it was way too early), but it showed how serious I was about us so some months after that he asked me and I said yes. The rest is history. Worth a shot, OP!

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I have distrust issues because of people who break my trust by seeming kind. I do have counseling and have for a long time. Although my recent spiritual director basically dumped me, which is not helping with the trust thing.

I also have serious problems trusting people, so I can relate to this. I’m afraid I have no advice for you on this topic, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

The comment about your spiritual director also touched my heart, as my relationship with my ex-SD went down in a huge ball of flames that took months to extinguish. I’m sorry for whatever happened between you and your own SD, and I hope you find another whom you can trust to assist you. God bless. I’m praying for you. :console:

 

[1ke]

was actually a liar.

You haven’t mentioned how long you dated. How long did you date?

Were you exclusive and had you both talked about exclusivity and agreed to it? Were you engaged?

You say you caught him texting someone and that it was not platonic. How did this opportunity to “catch” him occur? What was un-platonic about it?

 

[oldgraymare2]

I married that guy- the shy, computer geek from my office. Best decision of my life.

OP, you can’t expect God to dump a guy on your doorstep. Go out and find him- look at church, the library, etc. Also,ask some trustful friends and family if they know anyone you may hit it off with. Many marriages have come from fix ups.

I like your post! It made me smile.

This is actually how I met my husband, years ago–the second part of your post.

Our two best friends set us up back then. They had wanted us to meet each other, thinking that we would be a good match for each other.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

He sent all of us a good man; Jesus Christ!

Good point…

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Have you ever asked out a guy? I’m very traditional and prefer the man to make the first move, but some men are too timid. I asked out my husband. He never would have asked me out. He said I was way out of his league (not true). Perhaps try asking a man for coffee?

No I haven’t. Well I have but it never worked. I’m like you. If he can’t ask me out I am not interested.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to lose close friends. One of mine is coping with serious health problems right now and I don’t know what I will do if he doesn’t make it through them as our friendship is one of the most extraordinary relationships of my life.

Your hobbies and interests won’t replace love, but they could be a means to finding it. :yup:

I second this advice. I was the one who made the first move on The (now) Husband, and in fact was the one to propose seven months later! He wisely said no (it was way too early), but it showed how serious I was about us so some months after that he asked me and I said yes. The rest is history. Worth a shot, OP!

Yeah it’s hard w my friend. Thanks. I’m sorry about yours too.

I’ve asked out men and it totally killed the interest. I prefer him to pursue. I’m shy so it doesn’t help.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I also have serious problems trusting people, so I can relate to this. I’m afraid I have no advice for you on this topic, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

The comment about your spiritual director also touched my heart, as my relationship with my ex-SD went down in a huge ball of flames that took months to extinguish. I’m sorry for whatever happened between you and your own SD, and I hope you find another whom you can trust to assist you. God bless. I’m praying for you. :console:

Yeah…I don’t think it’s good to randomly trust people until you know them but my trust has also been broken a LOT I don’t know why people always treat me like a fool.

Oh at least I’m not alone with SD. It’s really crushing to me because he knew all my life story and sins. Of course since he didn’t say why I am afraid it’s personal. And he’s great friends with my friend too so him seemingly hating me without reason is awful.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

You haven’t mentioned how long you dated. How long did you date?

Were you exclusive and had you both talked about exclusivity and agreed to it? Were you engaged?

You say you caught him texting someone and that it was not platonic. How did this opportunity to “catch” him occur? What was un-platonic about it?

Not long at all and we had talked about being the only romantic partner. Not totally but it was discussed no flirting or seeking other people.

Only a month. Silly? Maybe. But you should realize. No one in 4 years has pursued me. I’ve been flirted with but no one has sought me as a girlfriend. To have a guy talking to me all day every day, never ghosting, never having me doubt his affection, saying he wanted a future, taking me out, picking me up from work, gifts, kindness, respecting my boundaries…it was huge for me. I thought it would never happen again.

I’m so scared I’m too old to be attractive anymore. Yet when I was younger I was taken advantage of because of my naïveté.

He literally texted this person as he had his arm around me and the phone was in my face. It was a girl’s name and suffice to say the texts were flirtatious and he said to her “I’m leaving now” as he was saying goodbye to me. So…it was so insulting. I was right there.

Then he insisted I saw it wrong and it was someone else and told lies that didn’t add up and sent a fake screenshot.

The lying and refusing to be honest hurt plus the fact that this person was a bigger priority that he was leaving our date. And that he would do that right in front of me and expect me to just take it.

He will deny until his grave I think. That hurts too. He’s still saying he misses me.

I’m letting him see me tomorrow to return some items and to talk in person about this since we haven’t.

The truth is he is a Protestant and maybe that wouldn’t have worked. Maybe it would. But it’s too late because he lied. It makes me so sad.

And now, I’m on dating sites but at most I get interest for a few days and then the guy gets bored. If I even like him. And I just miss this sweet man who was able to talk all day and was sweet and held my hand. I feel so inadequate I can’t get someone.

 

[1ke]

Not long at all and we had talked about being the only romantic partner. Not totally but it was discussed no flirting or seeking other people.

Only a month. Silly? Maybe. But you should realize. No one in 4 years has pursued me. I’ve been flirted with but no one has sought me as a girlfriend. To have a guy talking to me all day every day, never ghosting, never having me doubt his affection, saying he wanted a future, taking me out, picking me up from work, gifts, kindness, respecting my boundaries…it was huge for me. I thought it would never happen again.

One month. IMHO that is too much too fast with what you describe-- he was in full force wooing mode and I don’t think that is a good thing. He could sense your need to be validated through attention.

Continue to work with your counselor on these feelings of inadequacy and the need to have this sort of attention. Laying it on so thick, so fast is not a sign of a nice guy. It is usually the sign of a person with ulterior motives.

 

[CatholicRaven]

One month. IMHO that is too much too fast with what you describe-- he was in full force wooing mode and I don’t think that is a good thing. He could sense your need to be validated through attention.

Continue to work with your counselor on these feelings of inadequacy and the need to have this sort of attention. Laying it on so thick, so fast is not a sign of a nice guy. It is usually the sign of a person with ulterior motives.

I agree.
If he’s talking about a future with you (not just a future in general), showing lots of affection, seemingly revolving his life around you, and giving lots of gifts, etc. after only a month… well, it may be perfectly innocent, but I’d be very cautious and take things slowly. It’s not realistic to expect that kind of behavior and attention to last, and you need to know what he’s like once the “new” wears off.

I’d also suggest that if you’re shy and struggle with trust, you may not be sending out signals that let most single guys know you are available, or that you are interested in them. This is especially true if your self-esteem is low. And what the heck is, “too old to be attractive anymore”? That’s not a thought worthy of entertaining. You are a daughter of God–and you can be attractive at any age. Maybe if you’re trying to date college boys or something, I could see where getting older might be an obstacle… But otherwise, it’s not like men all stay the same age, either!

I, too, am generally shy and reserved, and I prefer the guy to do the asking and mostly take the lead in where the relationship goes… but that doesn’t mean I’d just sit back and wait, either. I tend to start conversations, give sincere compliments, be friendly and interested, smile, sometimes even lightly touch his arm or shoulder if it’s appropriate, ask for his advice or opinion on something, etc. These things are subtle, but give him a bit of encouragement and make him wonder. Most guys do seem to like a bit of a challenge, but also usually need at least a little encouragement before they’ll ask you out–for some, just a shy smile will do; for others, a few subtle signs over a regular period of time may be needed. For the dating sites, you don’t have to be blatant or do the asking out, either–a short note with a comment or question about something interesting on their profile can be enough to trigger a response and get a conversation started. Just look for opportunities to open a conversation and see where it goes. Some will go nowhere, but that’s okay–think of those as practice!

Will for you!

 

[LittleWay84]

Lucia, your story is so similar to mine I felt I had to reply.

Firstly, I am so very sorry for everything you are going through. I understand how tough it is and how hurt and lonely you must feel right now.

Here is some of my story. I knew at 15 that I was being strongly called toward marriage and having children and began praying in earnest in my final few years of school about finding a spouse. I imagined by 25 I’d be married with at least one child. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t even asked on my first date until I was 29.

All those years, I thought God was punishing me and that men hated me/were repulsed by me etc etc. I was really very depressed for a long time. I cried many, many nights.

Knowing I was about to turn 30 was a wake up call for me, I’d never allowed myself to believe I would be 30 and single and so I began opening up to men and just, putting myself out there bit more. Which is how I got that first date. He had very nearly not asked me out, believing I was already married and mentioning to a mutual friend, “I really liked her, it’s just a shame she’s married.” When my friend told me the story, I suggested she pass him my number. So, I guess I made the first move! Long story short, I realised we weren’t compatible really early on and ended things.

I started studying for a Masters and met someone. I fell in love. Really quite hopelessly in love and had moments with him that were incredibly beautiful and that I never dared to believe would happen to me. We spent every day and most evenings together for a year and a half. Emotionally we were incredibly intimate although, of course, never physically. I thought he was my soul mate, even though I’d never really believed in that kind of thing. I thought the man I’d prayed for all those years had arrived. He wasn’t Catholic but his father was a Pastor.

Nearly a year in he dropped the bombshell that, no matter who he met, he didn’t want to marry or become a father. By that time, I was so hopelessly in love with him I thought I would just be his best friend for the rest of our lives but prayed constantly that God may find a way for us to make things work. I distanced myself from him but he continued to pursue me and “date” me and he led me to believe he was changing his mind in some ways - for example he would take my hand and start staring at my wedding ring finger, stroking it and talking about “when” I get engaged (not if!).

It was round about that time, the day after we had spent a magical evening together that he pulled me on to his knee, placed his arm around my waist and…took out his phone to text another girl that he loved her. Blatantly. In front of me. No attempt to hide it. I saw she was telling him how in love with him she was. She was also 5000 miles away in another country but they were in an “online” relationship.

My heart broke. I genuinely thought I didn’t want to go on. To feel everything I had ever hoped for only to be treated with such disregard and disrespect by the only man I’d ever been in a relationship with and the only man I’d loved was…I can’t describe but I know you know how I felt. I had to see him every day at grad school for another 3 months.

The worst thing was I still loved him and I knew I had to stop. The last day I ever saw him, as we parted ways his last words to me were, “Thank you, you’ve been a great taxi driver.” I’d loved that man with such a pure heart. I’d given him so much and not asked for much back. I couldn’t believe he’d been so hurtful.

So. Here is what helped; I prayed the Mary Untier of Knots Novena. It was honestly a miracle because by the 9th Day I was, in all truth, not in love with him anymore. I managed to see him for the three months before grad and not feel an attraction to him. I broke all contact with him after school finished. By the 9th day of the novena, I knew God loved me too much to want me to give that pure love I’d given him to a man that could be so cruel. I had trust that I would be OK - I woke up on that 9th Day and had an inner peace, I felt God’s Love for the first time in my life.

After school finished, I focused on other things - I enriched my life. Travelled all over, started new jobs, volunteering, dance classes, learned to play guitar and started having counselling. My relationship with God deepened. It’s not always been easy…but I’m getting there. Then…all of a sudden, after going through most of my teens and twenties without even a single date, without doing anything differently, I started getting asked out. ALOT. Suddenly I started to believe that I wasn’t repulsive! And I also realised I had trouble letting people in and that, in fact that had always been the issue. I found it much easier to give love than receive it.

I’ve recently turned 32 and I am currently single. I worry constantly about my fertility and the fact I’m getting older. But, at the same time, I no longer feel like God is punishing me. I feel he is drawing me into a closer relationship with him and gaining my trust so that I can open my heart and allow myself to be loved for who I truly am. I’ve started doing the Ignatian Exercises and have just come back from a retreat this weekend. In the silence, I found God’s love. I hope you’ve found it too and I pray that you will feel comfort from that.

It all started with a broken heart and a novena. It’s May, Our Lady’s month and a beautiful time to do the novena for yourself.

I know how much you want that good man to come into your life. I pray that it will happen for you.

I’m sorry this reply was long - I just want you to know you are not alone and that God loves you very, very much. Keep trusting and having faith.

 

[Lea101]

My first answer was actually “because good men are mythical creatures” or something along those lines…

But putting aside my bitterness, the most logical answer is that you need to work on YOU, develop skills that will make you a better woman, be independent etc. Don’t sit around waiting for a man! The reason why you haven’t met him yet could be because now isn’t the right time, either for you or for him. Maybe there are some lessons God wants you to learn so you would be a better wife (or maybe He wants to teach your future man a thing or two before meeting you)

 

[oldrover]

Two points (sorry if they’ve already been made): my wife of 30 years asked me out. And I am VERY happy she did. So there IS a bit of a theme on this thread.

Second, consider that when you discover a guy you’re dating is a liar/cheater/loser/bag of vinegar and water, perhaps that is God (or one of His angels) protecting you from a lifetime of misery.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Two points (sorry if they’ve already been made): my wife of 30 years asked me out. And I am VERY happy she did. So there IS a bit of a theme on this thread.

Second, consider that when you discover a guy you’re dating is a liar/cheater/loser/bag of vinegar and water, perhaps that is God (or one of His angels) protecting you from a lifetime of misery.

I am not sure though, wouldn’t it be better if God just made this guy better for me or brought me someone better? Why does He keep allowing me to meet guys that aren’t right? It’s so unfair how it works out for some people but often not for those who need it most.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I am not sure though, wouldn’t it be better if God just made this guy better for me or brought me someone better? Why does He keep allowing me to meet guys that aren’t right? It’s so unfair how it works out for some people but often not for those who need it most.

This is concerning. It says you really don’t understand what love and marriage are about (and maybe that you don’t really trust God to love you and do what is best for you).

I suspect (and hope) that maybe you’re just venting and don’t really believe these things you’re saying here… but even if just venting, please be careful not to let your frustration and disappointment get the better of you. Don’t forget, if you want to have peace and joy (which is not just “feeling happy”), then God must come first–before self, and before a spouse. Be careful not to make that “good man” (or the idea of him) into an idol, seeking a human being to make you happy.

I’d ask you to read your post again, as if it had been written by someone else, and see if you notice a problem in this line of thinking.

Still praying for you.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Random book recommendation: Have you read Emily Stimpson’s book The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide to the Single Years? The author wrote it when she was in her mid-thirties and single herself, so she knows the ups and downs of the single life. It is fun and encouraging, with much good advice. Check it out!

 

[LuciaPacifici]

This is concerning. It says you really don’t understand what love and marriage are about (and maybe that you don’t really trust God to love you and do what is best for you).

I suspect (and hope) that maybe you’re just venting and don’t really believe these things you’re saying here… but even if just venting, please be careful not to let your frustration and disappointment get the better of you. Don’t forget, if you want to have peace and joy (which is not just “feeling happy”), then God must come first–before self, and before a spouse. Be careful not to make that “good man” (or the idea of him) into an idol, seeking a human being to make you happy.

I’d ask you to read your post again, as if it had been written by someone else, and see if you notice a problem in this line of thinking.

Still praying for you.

I have a good understanding of theology and I know the truth. I am venting and also expressing what I feel when this happens. I realize my feelings are not facts but I simply incredibly frustrated.

Thanks for your prayers

 

[veilofveronica]

I know that I don’t “deserve” love in the sense that it’s a free gift and we are undeserving and so on.

Ok but I was seeing this guy who treated me really well and then I caught him texting another woman and it was not platonic and so I had to end it. Up until then he was so sweet to me and I haven’t even had a real boyfriend in years. He knew my story too and was so accepting. I’m afraid no guy will ever accept me like that.

So I realize God loves me but when this happens I can’t help but feel, God does not think I am good enough for a good man. I feel like God thinks my friends and acquaintances who have great relationships and happy smiley lives, are just better than me. Like I’m being punished.

I know it’s not true but it’s how I feel. I have been looking and praying so many years and I’m getting past my peak attractive years and soon even childbearing years. No I don’t want religious or single life. I know my emotions don’t make sense. But I’m down because I don’t have a lot of friends and having a guy who pursued and talked to me daily and was kind and considerate helped a lot. Now I am going back to like, not even being sure if a guy will text me back and not having a connection. Now I feel like I will be paranoid of a guy treats me like a princess, paranoid it’s all a lie.

I’m turning to Jesus but I don’t understand why He keeps allowing this.

((hugs)). It’s hard. I was in dead-end relationships until I met my now-husband, and we were married at age 34. He was 39. It is NEVER too late to meet the right person. Don’t settle for anything less than the right one for you.

The right man will find you attractive in every way…it goes so much deeper than physical attraction.

Keep praying and place yourself in God’s Hands. He has a plan for you. Maybe ask for St. Valentine and/or St. Anthony of Padua’s intercession.

 

[veilofveronica]

Two points (sorry if they’ve already been made): my wife of 30 years asked me out. And I am VERY happy she did. So there IS a bit of a theme on this thread.

Second, consider that when you discover a guy you’re dating is a liar/cheater/loser/bag of vinegar and water, perhaps that is God (or one of His angels) protecting you from a lifetime of misery.

Yup! I asked out my now-husband when I was 32. He was 37 at the time. We got married two years later. I had been in a relationship with a cheater prior to that and am so grateful now that I got out of that awful situation.