Why doesn't God send me a good man?

[LuciaPacifici]

((hugs)). It’s hard. I was in dead-end relationships until I met my now-husband, and we were married at age 34. He was 39. It is NEVER too late to meet the right person. Don’t settle for anything less than the right one for you.

The right man will find you attractive in every way…it goes so much deeper than physical attraction.

Keep praying and place yourself in God’s Hands. He has a plan for you. Maybe ask for St. Valentine and/or St. Anthony of Padua’s intercession.

Thanks. I always feel like God has no plan for me except to drift through life with no home and offer up my suffering so others can be happy. Sigh.

I am glad you say it can still happen. I’m 30 and starting to freak out and feeling like if I don’t meet my fiancé this year I will never have kids or maybe never marry at all.

I feel like w my childhood in too broken for a good relationship. Anyway I’m doing a novena to St. Anthony. Thanks. God bless.

 

[Naskor]

I know that I don’t “deserve” love in the sense that it’s a free gift and we are undeserving and so on.

Ok but I was seeing this guy who treated me really well and then I caught him texting another woman and it was not platonic and so I had to end it. Up until then he was so sweet to me and I haven’t even had a real boyfriend in years. He knew my story too and was so accepting. I’m afraid no guy will ever accept me like that.

Did you guys agree on exclusivity?

So I realize God loves me but when this happens I can’t help but feel, God does not think I am good enough for a good man. I feel like God thinks my friends and acquaintances who have great relationships and happy smiley lives, are just better than me. Like I’m being punished.

Think of it this way, if God doesn’t give us a spouse as a reward, then he doesn’t withhold one as a punishment.

I know it’s not true but it’s how I feel. I have been looking and praying so many years and I’m getting past my peak attractive years and soon even childbearing years. No I don’t want religious or single life. I know my emotions don’t make sense. But I’m down because I don’t have a lot of friends and having a guy who pursued and talked to me daily and was kind and considerate helped a lot. Now I am going back to like, not even being sure if a guy will text me back and not having a connection. Now I feel like I will be paranoid of a guy treats me like a princess, paranoid it’s all a lie.

What happened to that guy?

I’m turning to Jesus but I don’t understand why He keeps allowing this.

Jesus isn’t allowing this to happen. Jesus won’t send us a spouse. He lets us pick a spouse and honors our choice.

Instead of asking God for a spouse, ask him that you be open to his will. You don’t put rules on things he didn’t. Don’t give yourself personal rules like:

1. Not dating friends,
2. Not dating people within your circle of friends,
3. Not dating co-workers
4. Not dating someone because superficial things like height.
5. Not dating someone because they have a lower education level than you
6. Not dating someone because they won’t ask you out first
   7…

You see what I’m getting at? Don’t make the rules if you are going to be open to God’s will.

Instead of praying to God for a spouse, pray to God asking that he gives you the ability to see in the men around you what he already sees in them.

 

[kdbueno]

I know that I don’t “deserve” love in the sense that it’s a free gift and we are undeserving and so on.

Ok but I was seeing this guy who treated me really well and then I caught him texting another woman and it was not platonic and so I had to end it. Up until then he was so sweet to me and I haven’t even had a real boyfriend in years. He knew my story too and was so accepting. I’m afraid no guy will ever accept me like that.

So I realize God loves me but when this happens I can’t help but feel, God does not think I am good enough for a good man. I feel like God thinks my friends and acquaintances who have great relationships and happy smiley lives, are just better than me. Like I’m being punished.

I know it’s not true but it’s how I feel. I have been looking and praying so many years and I’m getting past my peak attractive years and soon even childbearing years. No I don’t want religious or single life. I know my emotions don’t make sense. But I’m down because I don’t have a lot of friends and having a guy who pursued and talked to me daily and was kind and considerate helped a lot. Now I am going back to like, not even being sure if a guy will text me back and not having a connection. Now I feel like I will be paranoid of a guy treats me like a princess, paranoid it’s all a lie.

I’m turning to Jesus but I don’t understand why He keeps allowing this.

Understand that God loves you so much, and He wants the best for you. I suppose you are greatly attached to men, being unattached to me increases your desirability, proving that you are mature enough to understand him. Do allow him not to be tight, if these causes you discomfort, try to love him unconditionally, this will change his mind, if your supposition about him is greatly correct.

 

[XenaFan]

Yet, none of those guys asked me out. I don’t know what else to do.

Found your problem! Nothing in the Catholic faith say women have to sit on there hands and wait for the guy to initiate.

God calls us to be people of ACTION. Maybe he is telling you it is about time you start asking the guys out.

 

[Naskor]

No I haven’t. Well I have but it never worked. I’m like you. If he can’t ask me out I am not interested.

Yeah it’s hard w my friend. Thanks. I’m sorry about yours too.

I’ve asked out men and it totally killed the interest. I prefer him to pursue. I’m shy so it doesn’t help.

I probably should have read all the posts before I replied.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear but this may very well be a sign that you are not called to married life.

There are three signs you are called by God to a certain vocation:

1. The desire for it.
2. The ability to pursue it.
3. The ability to live it out.

If you are being honest with us here and that asking a guy out turns your off immediately, then you lack the 2nd sign that you are called to marriage as you are unable to pursue marriage.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I probably should have read all the posts before I replied.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear but this may very well be a sign that you are not called to married life.

There are three signs you are called by God to a certain vocation:

1. The desire for it.
2. The ability to pursue it.
3. The ability to live it out.

If you are being honest with us here and that asking a guy out turns your off immediately, then you lack the 2nd sign that you are called to marriage as you are unable to pursue marriage.

Ummmm that’s not how it works. For generations women with a genuine call to marriage have let men do the pursuing as has been customary for much of human history. Pursuing marriage by getting out abd meeting people and dating etc is not the same as literally pursuing the person by asking him out first.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Did you guys agree on exclusivity?

Think of it this way, if God doesn’t give us a spouse as a reward, then he doesn’t withhold one as a punishment.

What happened to that guy?

Jesus isn’t allowing this to happen. Jesus won’t send us a spouse. He lets us pick a spouse and honors our choice.

Instead of asking God for a spouse, ask him that you be open to his will. You don’t put rules on things he didn’t. Don’t give yourself personal rules like:

1. Not dating friends,
2. Not dating people within your circle of friends,
3. Not dating co-workers
4. Not dating someone because superficial things like height.
5. Not dating someone because they have a lower education level than you
6. Not dating someone because they won’t ask you out first
   7…

You see what I’m getting at? Don’t make the rules if you are going to be open to God’s will.

Instead of praying to God for a spouse, pray to God asking that he gives you the ability to see in the men around you what he already sees in them.

I don’t have any of these rules except generally w 6 I let the man initiate the first date. I happily talk to men I like and even make it very clear what I want but my experience has been that the men I asked out list interest right away. I stand by my desire for a man who has the courage to take initiative, since that’s a very important quality I seek.

The truth is that even when I so much as send a smiley “hello” emoticon to men on Catholic match, I don’t even get one back. I’m glad it’s worked for other women but I see no reason do it in my case.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Understand that God loves you so much, and He wants the best for you. I suppose you are greatly attached to men, being unattached to me increases your desirability, proving that you are mature enough to understand him. Do allow him not to be tight, if these causes you discomfort, try to love him unconditionally, this will change his mind, if your supposition about him is greatly correct.

Thank you…I truly appreciate this. This is really helpful.

 

[Naskor]

Ummmm that’s not how it works. For generations women with a genuine call to marriage have let men do the pursuing as has been customary for much of human history. Pursuing marriage by getting out abd meeting people and dating etc is not the same as literally pursuing the person by asking him out first.

An for even more generations before then fathers decided who their daughters married.

Remember God rarely does the same thing twice.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

An for even more generations before then fathers decided who their daughters married.

Remember God rarely does the same thing twice.

Regardless your statement about my not being called to marriage because I prefer men to ask me out on the first date has no theological or logical foundation. It’s also highly inappropriate to inform someone that you know they don’t have a certain vocation.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I don’t have any of these rules except generally w 6 I let the man initiate the first date. I happily talk to men I like and even make it very clear what I want but my experience has been that the men I asked out list interest right away. I stand by my desire for a man who has the courage to take initiative, since that’s a very important quality I seek.

The truth is that even when I so much as send a smiley “hello” emoticon to men on Catholic match, I don’t even get one back. I’m glad it’s worked for other women but I see no reason do it in my case.

Hey, fellow CM er. Its a jungle out there on that site. Good luck. Why does God do a lot of things that he does that is not exactly what we want? I have been on CM off and on for 4 years and the best I have gotten is a handful of dates. Its rough. Nobody is entitled to a significant other though. I am not so sure God “Sends” us someone every single time. I am sure he expects us to do some work too. Good luck on that site again. I know how frustrating dating can be. Nobody in the world knows that better than me Dont give up. Until I am too old to even care, I am not going to give up.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Have you ever asked out a guy? I’m very traditional and prefer the man to make the first move, but some men are too timid. I asked out my husband. He never would have asked me out. He said I was way out of his league (not true). Perhaps try asking a man for coffee?

It’s also possible that someone that you’re interested in might think that you’re already seeing someone else, and may be afraid of asking you out for that reason.

If you’re interested in someone Lucia, I would just ask him out. I did that when I was younger, and when I was interested in someone.

When I was younger, I really wanted to go out with someone in particular. He already knew that I liked him. I knew his family. He was actually rather shy.

He was under the impression that I was already with someone else, and he didn’t want to interfere with that, until I let him know that he was mistaken.

I had asked him out and he said “yes,” and that is how we started seeing each other. That is when he had told me that he thought that I was unavailable, because he thought that I was with someone else.

 

[XenaFan]

I probably should have read all the posts before I replied.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear but this may very well be a sign that you are not called to married life.

There are three signs you are called by God to a certain vocation:

1. The desire for it.
2. The ability to pursue it.
3. The ability to live it out.

If you are being honest with us here and that asking a guy out turns your off immediately, then you lack the 2nd sign that you are called to marriage as you are unable to pursue marriage.

I think I agree with you. The OP is dismissing any and all advice telling her to be active in finding a spouse. I’m not sure what she was trying to get out of this thread.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I think I agree with you. The OP is dismissing any and all advice telling her to be active in finding a spouse. I’m not sure what she was trying to get out of this thread.

That’s extremely rude to pretend you can decide someone’s vocation for them. I haven’t dismissed any advice and the only advice I seem to be getting is to ask guys out which has never worked for me.

I’m concerned someone new to the church will believe it when a stranger online tries to decide their vocation, when it’s actually impossible for anyone to do that. Not to mention way out of line and inappropriate. At most, a trusted spiritual director can give their opinion but they aren’t psychic either. Please don’t do this.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Hey, fellow CM er. Its a jungle out there on that site. Good luck. Why does God do a lot of things that he does that is not exactly what we want? I have been on CM off and on for 4 years and the best I have gotten is a handful of dates. Its rough. Nobody is entitled to a significant other though. I am not so sure God “Sends” us someone every single time. I am sure he expects us to do some work too. Good luck on that site again. I know how frustrating dating can be. Nobody in the world knows that better than me Dont give up. Until I am too old to even care, I am not going to give up.

Thank you!

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I don’t have any of these rules except generally w 6 I let the man initiate the first date. I happily talk to men I like and even make it very clear what I want but my experience has been that the men I asked out lost interest right away. I stand by my desire for a man who has the courage to take initiative, since that’s a very important quality I seek.

I’m with you on this. Keep getting out there and meeting people; that is a good way to be proactive about finding a spouse. But that doesn’t mean that you have to ask men out if you are not comfortable doing so. Almost always, if a man is interested in a woman, he will ask her out eventually. You should give him plenty of encouragement, especially if he is shy, because many men do deeply fear rejection - but I agree with you that it is important for the man to do the asking.

If the reverse has worked for other people, that’s great; but it is ridiculous to imply (as one poster did) that you aren’t called to marriage because you prefer men who take the initiative to ask.

Don’t be discouraged; lots of people marry in their 30s and later. I am an “old” newlywed in my mid-thirties, too. Enjoy life, and try new activities; that is often a great way to meet someone.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I’m with you on this. Keep getting out there and meeting people; that is a good way to be proactive about finding a spouse. But that doesn’t mean that you have to ask men out if you are not comfortable doing so. Almost always, if a man is interested in a woman, he will ask her out eventually. You should give him plenty of encouragement, especially if he is shy, because many men do deeply fear rejection - but I agree with you that it is important for the man to do the asking.

If the reverse has worked for other people, that’s great; but it is ridiculous to imply (as one poster did) that you aren’t called to marriage because you prefer men who take the initiative to ask.

Don’t be discouraged; lots of people marry in their 30s and later. I am an “old” newlywed in my mid-thirties, too. Enjoy life, and try new activities; that is often a great way to meet someone.

Thank you…yes I do try really hard to get out there. Online dating, young adult groups, volunteer, active at church. In other words, everything other people have done and found someone. In fact, at my old parish this group of young adults I was in, all the rest of them (10 I think) became couples with each other. I dated a guy from that group, we did not end well, and he left the parish entirely. Now I am the 11th wheel. I do everything I am supposed to…(by the way I don’t hang out with that group as much now obviously.)

It’s so hard sometimes I see women who are like “oh I got a husband early I am so glad I am not 30 and unmarried” and I get so sad, especially because if I was married w kids I would be relieved too. My twenties were mostly spent dealing with my family of origin’s really serious problems. It feels unfair sometimes.

I do give men encouragement. For better or worse it is a turn off if a guy can’t even ask me to coffee, coffee is no big deal. But I make it very clear if I am interested, so.

Plus, I have asked out men all the time and usually I get no reply at all, sometimes feigned interested followed by flaking.

Yes, I realize that anyone suggesting I am not called to be married based on a formula that they just made up is crazy. It was very out of line and my bigger concern though was for new catholics. When I was new, I got a lot of help from this site, but sometimes read things that made me almost put off from the church, until I finally learned they were just someone’s opinion.

It’s very encouraging to hear from someone who waited for the right person and it worked out later on with marriage. God bless. Thanks for the support.

 

[kdbueno]

You are beautiful at heart. I believe Yahweh could provide you strength for this one.

 

[Sarcelle]

Thank you…yes I do try really hard to get out there. Online dating, young adult groups, volunteer, active at church. In other words, everything other people have done and found someone. In fact, at my old parish this group of young adults I was in, all the rest of them (10 I think) became couples with each other. I dated a guy from that group, we did not end well, and he left the parish entirely. Now I am the 11th wheel. I do everything I am supposed to…(by the way I don’t hang out with that group as much now obviously.)

It’s so hard sometimes I see women who are like “oh I got a husband early I am so glad I am not 30 and unmarried” and I get so sad, especially because if I was married w kids I would be relieved too. My twenties were mostly spent dealing with my family of origin’s really serious problems. It feels unfair sometimes.

I do give men encouragement. For better or worse it is a turn off if a guy can’t even ask me to coffee, coffee is no big deal. But I make it very clear if I am interested, so.

Plus, I have asked out men all the time and usually I get no reply at all, sometimes feigned interested followed by flaking.

Yes, I realize that anyone suggesting I am not called to be married based on a formula that they just made up is crazy. It was very out of line and my bigger concern though was for new catholics. When I was new, I got a lot of help from this site, but sometimes read things that made me almost put off from the church, until I finally learned they were just someone’s opinion.

It’s very encouraging to hear from someone who waited for the right person and it worked out later on with marriage. God bless. Thanks for the support.

You know what is worst? Just because you aren’t married by a certain age than God must be calling you to be a nun.

That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

It seems you are already doing a lot of things to expand your network and your possibilities of finding Mr. Right.

I hope and pray that you do find him.

 

[Norseman82]

There are a lot of Catholic men in the same boat as you. One poster memntioned that it is a jungle out there; Mary Beth Bonacci, a single Catholic woman who speaks on issues related to Catholic singles, says that the search for a spouse is hampered by a dating pool that is “poisoned”.

Have you looked in to the National Catholic Singles Conference?

nationalcatholicsingles.com/

This conference is probably the best shot for practicing Catholics looking for other practicing Catholics in a “real life” (as opposed to “online”) setting. I met somebody there that I would have proposed to (if she hadn’t decided to join religious life). The only drawback is that it is held in different places each year and it may not be close to you (this year’s conference is in Dallas).