Why I am Staying Single

[child_of_God85]

I feel sorry for the guy honesty. He loves you and proved it. He’s also human and not perfect. Youre asking for perfection, and it is not out there. Get ready for a libely life.
My guy doesn’t go out of his way to look at pictures of other girls. Sometimes he’ll come across a picture of a scantily clad girl on his cosplay sites. If he likes the picture, he’ll tell me he wants to see me in that outfit, if not he’ll pass it on.

 

[MJJean]

Oh my God those are terrible stories Jean…Wow…I didn’t know heroin was that serious…my roommate in England uses every day and I don’t want him to get a heart attack, how can I approach him about this? I can tell it has affected his brain so I can’t really talk about it in as sensible as way as you’d normally talk to people…I did not know that drug use can lead to such big health problems since he is more than 50 years old and seems healthy. I really do not want something to happen to him.

And thanks for caring about me

So about the original topic…Last night I had a dream where I was on vacation and they assigned a guy to my room. He was friendly. I called him and told him I was going to have a shower and he could join me. But while on his way I decided it’s a really bad idea because it would probably lead to a relationship (see, even in my dreams I am very aware of my decision to stay single, haha)

Anyways when I woke up from the dream, I felt like, man I do miss that…having a romantic shower or bath with someone. And it’s not going to happen for me again weeps I don’t see the point of casual stuff because unless the person and I have emotions for each other, it’s pretty pointless in my opinion…

You can’t help your friend. He has to want help on his own. An addict can’t recover unless they know they have a problem and want to get clean. Just pray for him.

It’s not uncommon for people to have romantic dreams. Just let it go and don’t dwell on it. I know it’s hard to be single. But you need time to mature, gain more life experience, really discern what you want, and then maybe you will met someone who is a goo candidate for a relationship. Even if that happens and you decide you are open to the possibility of something serious stay chaste. You know that when we have sex our brains release all kinds of happy hormones and chemicals. We are basically drunk for a time. That’s not the state of mind you want to be in when you pick a mate. You want to see him clearly and make a decision that way before becoming intimate. And the best way to be sure of your relationship is to be married. Without than kind of commitment on both sides it’s kind of meaningless.

 

[thewanderer]

Immortal, I have no problem with people being attracted to people while single, but they should be attracted to only their partner (in my opinion) while in a relationship. I know this is an unusual viewpoint, but I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I agree that men and women can be friends It’s the attraction itself that bothers me, I didn’t think Lukasz would cheat on me but it seemed inappropriate that he felt attraction towards others.

Thewanderer, based on talking to people it seems like we have the same definition That is very important and I am willing to be with people despite their faults. In fact, I’d say I was pretty open minded. Most women I know like to be with a man who they think is good looking and who has a stable job and can provide for them. I did not find Lukasz good looking at all but fell for his beautiful soul. He was homeless and had no money and I had no problem with that. In fact, when I first started dating him, his hands were usually dirty - but shortly after I became his girlfriend, Lukasz stopped drinking and his hands were always clean

However, you see for me being attracted to other people is a dealbreaker. For some people, they do not like to be with a man who is sleeping with other women and they have that right to say, “I can accept certain faults, however this is a dealbreaker for me.” In my case I am quite accepting but the man’s attraction to others happens to be where I draw the line. Though you are quite right when you say that I am pretty “in love” with the glamour of a relationship - putting on nice makeup when you see the person, wearing something nice. But also invaluable is just spending time with them in GENERAL and feeling close to them and happy in their company

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having dealbreakers and I’m also not saying that you don’t care about your boyfriend when in a relationship with him, or only date people for shallow reasons. I’m saying that you keep talking about how much you miss being in a relationship because you enjoy all the feelings and trappings that come along with a relationship, the excitement of getting dressed up for a date, the pleasant feelings of holding and being held etc. I don’t know a good way to phrase this, but it kind of makes you sound as though the real reason you want a relationship is for these experiences rather than for the totality of what a relationship is, as if you are infatuated with the trappings of a relationship. I don’t know, maybe part of the reason it seems that way is that for me all of those things are important in a relationship, but only because of the fact that I am in a relationship with a person I love, not because I long for and desire these experiences in and of themselves. It just seems a little backwards to me.

Anyways when I woke up from the dream, I felt like, man I do miss that…having a romantic shower or bath with someone.

This is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. The fact that you care so much about having these romantic experiences in and of themselves. And again, maybe I’m reading to much into this, but its how it is coming across to me.

And it’s not going to happen for me again weeps I don’t see the point of casual stuff because unless the person and I have emotions for each other, it’s pretty pointless in my opinion…

And this is why people are trying to get you to see that it really isn’t that big of a deal that people find others good-looking (ie, are attracted to them). You clearly are upset about the idea of never being in a relationship, and it seems like your desire for such a relationship is not going to disappear easily or anytime soon. When we say its no big deal that people are attracted to others we just mean that it is a part of human biology, both male and female, to find people to be attractive. The problem comes about if the involuntary “wow she’s gorgeous” turns into a voluntary decision to focus on the other persons beauty and gain enjoyment from it. Thats why I still wonder if you are really using attraction the same way we (or at least I) use it. I’m talking about the purely involuntary recognition of the physical beauty of another person. Once a voluntary decision to rest and focus on that beauty for the sake of taking enjoyment from it occurs then we’re talking about a whole different thing. Are you really opposed, on principle, to a guy who is dating having an involuntary reaction to another persons beauty but then refusing to focus on said involuntary reaction? If so, you’ve decided to take up a principle that is completely contrary to reality, and I think thats why you find people think it a little odd and are advising you to rethink such a principle. When our principles and ideals contradict reality it tends to only lead to unnecessary strife and grief in our own lives and the lives of others. Just something for you to think about.

 

[doglover2]

Child of God - thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut but no I’m not expecting perfection at all. But I reckon everyone has their dealbreakers, things that they simply can’t accept, even if they are willing to accept other flaws.

Jean - ah you’re right, they do have to want to change As it is I am going to stay single for life so I don’t have to be concerned with all that. And yes marriage would have been best for sexual stuff but I have to admit that I don’t have too much self control. With Lukasz it was the first time I was in love before having sex and it was great because it made me feel closer to him <3

The Wanderer, you know what you’re absolutely right, it IS the glamour of a relationship and the physical sides that I yearn for. You are probably right when you say that’s a bit immature. No I’m not just talking about simply thinking that somebody is good looking, I mean I myself think women are good looking although I’m straight. However I differentiate between thinking someone is good looking and being attracted to them, being attracted yes you do enjoy looking at them because you like them physically but not even just in a “oh cool that girl is good looking, neat stuff” type of way, it’s hard to put into words, but you know how when like a girl walks past a guy and he’s really hot and she gets giddy inside. That type of thing. Doesn’t have to be to the extent that you get all giddy but definitely more than simply thinking “oh he looks nice, he could be a model. Good for him! Nice!” I’m talking about where they actually think “mmm nice” not necessarily even in a perverted or sexual way but where they have physical attraction for that person, a different feeling from appreciating a painting or a flower etc. For me I think handsome people are good looking AND I’m attracted when I’m single, but when I’m in a relationship all that’s left is the opinion that they’re good looking.

 

[thewanderer]

Child of God - thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut but no I’m not expecting perfection at all. But I reckon everyone has their dealbreakers, things that they simply can’t accept, even if they are willing to accept other flaws.

Jean - ah you’re right, they do have to want to change As it is I am going to stay single for life so I don’t have to be concerned with all that. And yes marriage would have been best for sexual stuff but I have to admit that I don’t have too much self control. With Lukasz it was the first time I was in love before having sex and it was great because it made me feel closer to him <3

The Wanderer, you know what you’re absolutely right, it IS the glamour of a relationship and the physical sides that I yearn for. You are probably right when you say that’s a bit immature. No I’m not just talking about simply thinking that somebody is good looking, I mean I myself think women are good looking although I’m straight. However I differentiate between thinking someone is good looking and being attracted to them, being attracted yes you do enjoy looking at them because you like them physically but not even just in a “oh cool that girl is good looking, neat stuff” type of way, it’s hard to put into words, but you know how when like a girl walks past a guy and he’s really hot and she gets giddy inside. That type of thing. Doesn’t have to be to the extent that you get all giddy but definitely more than simply thinking “oh he looks nice, he could be a model. Good for him! Nice!” I’m talking about where they actually think “mmm nice” not necessarily even in a perverted or sexual way but where they have physical attraction for that person, a different feeling from appreciating a painting or a flower etc. For me I think handsome people are good looking AND I’m attracted when I’m single, but when I’m in a relationship all that’s left is the opinion that they’re good looking.

I know that you mean more than just a recognition that they are good looking, I guess I’m wondering whether you are making any allowances for involuntary attraction and voluntary resting in and nurturing said attraction. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a woman and to me the fact that you claim to never ever feel any attraction to other men when you are dating is really weird and bizarre. I’ve never heard of that being true for any person, male or female. I know of plenty of people who immediately quash such attractions and do not dwell on them such that they are barely noticed, but not any who truly have full control over who they are attracted to. I wonder if this is why you have such a problem with the idea of a bf being attracted to others, you think of being attracted as involving a voluntary choice and so you see it as them being unfaithful? I guess I’m just trying to understand this better because to me its pretty bizarre, both that you apparently have complete control over who you are attracted to and that you think it wrong or inappropriate for others to experience involuntary attraction to others while dating.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, I haven’t read every post in this thread, but are you really saying that you never noticed that Lukasz was attractive while you were still Jasiek’s girlfriend? You never noticed who the attractive men were at that time? Once you fell in love with Lukasz, you never looked at another man? You say “I cannot stand this phenomenon,” but does that mean you are never going to look at some other woman’s man, too?

More to the point, are you saying that a person must not love God if the glamour of sin ever catches that person’s eye? We know that God is jealous, but if I am hearing you correctly you feel as if you can be even more jealous than God. Considering that God is actually worthy of total love and fidelity that never strays in so much as a look, that ought to tell you something.

The devil knows how to tempt with giddy feelings and passionate feelings. That does not mean it is a sin to be tempted. In the good marriage, spouses can still feel tempted. The difference is that the faithful spouse says, “No, I will be faithful. Even if I am not attracted to my wife at all, even if I meet someone who seems the most perfect creature and the most perfect friend I have ever met, I will be faithful.”

If it is your vocation to remain single, that is fine, but to remain single because you think none of the men will be good enough for you, that’s not a very good reason. This is especially true if you want to choose someone because he prizes your looks instead of your other qualities, but expect him not to notice anyone else’s looks. If you don’t want a man whose eyes stray for shallow reasons, look for a man who prizes you for deep reasons instead of shallow ones. You’ll have better luck.

 

[doglover2]

Hi Wanderer ah okay glad that you know what I mean, I suck at explaining things xD Oh you’re a woman too! I do know that that attraction is involuntary I think the fact that I’m not attracted to others while in a relationship did contribute to my belief that most people are this way until the rude awakening. I could never truly feel loved by a man knowing that I only think about him but yet he thinks of other women. Sure maybe it’s just 1 second and he forgets about it, but still, the feeling was there! I imagine I feel how other women do about the idea of being with a man who is sleeping with others at a time. As in to say, I would feel disgusted sleeping with a man knowing that he’s attracted to others, a feeling that I’d only want to share with them, I’d feel cheap.

Easter, I never noticed that Lukasz was attractive when I was Jasiek’s girlfriend. In fact, I thought he was very ugly, but I fell for him sometime after becoming single due to his beautiful soul. With that said, I most certainly did notice that other men were good looking when I was in a relationship. However, I was not attracted to them. There is a difference between thinking someone looks good and being attracted to them. I’m straighter than a line, but I think some women are good looking. Heck, I think my male cousin is an attractive young man, but I’m certainly not ATTRACTED to him! Haha! Hope that illustrates my point

If I’m still not being clear, I’ll explain that when I’m single, I enjoy looking at interviews on Youtube of Bow Wow and Aaron Carter. It makes me feel good because they are handsome and I am attracted to them, it gives me pleasurable feelings. I also love being around handsome men in real life. I get a little self conscious, wondering what they think of me, and get a tingle if they brush past me. My heart beats faster and I’m very aware of their presence. Now when I’m in a relationship, I can watch that same video or you can put a very attractive guy right next to me and I feel nothing. Sure, I can recognise that they are good looking, but that’s it.

No, I sure do think that people can love God while still sinning. I sin all the time: I’m lazy and forgetful and sometimes give people an attitude when I’m in a bad mood. All I’m saying is that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is attracted to others, not that I am not happy to be friends with them or that I condemn them. I completely see what you’re saying and I know that most people don’t mind if their spouse is tempted as long as they don’t stray. But I’m unusual in that respect. For example, once my friend told me that it was very hard for him to say no when a woman other than his wife invited him for sex. That baffled me. I thought, But how could the idea of another woman’s body even be appealing to him in the first place? How is it possible for him to feel any sexual attraction at all to another woman? I now see that I was completely wrong and that men are sexually attracted to other women all the time after talking to perfectly decent and respectful Christian males. But there you have it, a window into my soul

Actually I am feeling calm and not upset about being single because I have decided not to dwell on it. For the past 2 years I accepted my singleness as my choice and thought about it once a month for about 5 seconds when seeing a cuddling scene in a movie and let it go right away so now I am back at that point. I got caught up thinking about relationships starting from December because at the time I wanted to be friends with benefits with a guy (something I no longer want because I’d just end up having feelings for him) and anticipated it for 2 weeks until he rejected even talking to me. So that put the idea in my head but now is the time to be back where I was before that.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Easter, I never noticed that Lukasz was attractive when I was Jasiek’s girlfriend. In fact, I thought he was very ugly, but I fell for him sometime after becoming single due to his beautiful soul. With that said, I most certainly did notice that other men were good looking when I was in a relationship. However, I was not attracted to them. There is a difference between thinking someone looks good and being attracted to them. I’m straighter than a line, but I think some women are good looking. Heck, I think my male cousin is an attractive young man, but I’m certainly not ATTRACTED to him! Haha! Hope that illustrates my point

If I’m still not being clear, I’ll explain that when I’m single, I enjoy looking at interviews on Youtube of Bow Wow and Aaron Carter. It makes me feel good because they are handsome and I am attracted to them, it gives me pleasurable feelings. I also love being around handsome men in real life. I get a little self conscious, wondering what they think of me, and get a tingle if they brush past me. My heart beats faster and I’m very aware of their presence. Now when I’m in a relationship, I can watch that same video or you can put a very attractive guy right next to me and I feel nothing. Sure, I can recognise that they are good looking, but that’s it…

You are unusual, although in a very good way, about having eyes for no one else as completely as you do. Not unique, but if this were to last for years and years, you’d be in the company of the fortunate. You are not usual at all in not being entirely “OK” with the fact that your partner is attracted to someone else. This is normal! It is just that most of us realize that the temptation is very common. You are right that welcoming the temptation is not a good thing at all. If it is done with some sense of entitlement, it means the fellow feel he has a right to put himself in harm’s way. Not good at all!

Don’t worry yourself about this too much. I don’t think you have an unhealthy sense of men. You are being realistic about what we all have to give, yourself included, and I don’t think you’re being selfish. I’d say you’re taking care. That’s a different thing. That you choose a different standard than others for a spouse or take your reaction to bad temptations as a sign that you are not meant to be married is not a bad thing. Keep having a conversation with God about that, you’ll do well. Don’t be down about it, though, OK?

 

[doglover2]

You’re always so nice and encouraging, Easter. THANK YOU. I mentioned this on another forum and the people there said that I’m obsessive, have Asperger’s and autism, because of how I feel, rather than respecting the way that I feel. Thank you for your accepting and encouraging and caring words. I actually feel pretty calm about it since yesterday. When I first decided to stay single I didn’t think about it for 2 years except a few seconds once a month when I saw a cuddling scene in a movie. I thought I was going to have a guy I liked as a friend with benefits (well I thought I would communicate with him platonically and daydream about him and maybe someday be his FWB - that was before someone mentioned to me I’d probably end up having feelings so now I don’t want a FWB) and I anticipated it for 2 weeks until he rejected me, so that put being single into my head since December but now finally i see that it’s my choice and feel calm about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

You’re always so nice and encouraging, Easter. THANK YOU. I mentioned this on another forum and the people there said that I’m obsessive, have Asperger’s and autism, because of how I feel, rather than respecting the way that I feel. Thank you for your accepting and encouraging and caring words. I actually feel pretty calm about it since yesterday. When I first decided to stay single I didn’t think about it for 2 years except a few seconds once a month when I saw a cuddling scene in a movie. I thought I was going to have a guy I liked as a friend with benefits (well I thought I would communicate with him platonically and daydream about him and maybe someday be his FWB - that was before someone mentioned to me I’d probably end up having feelings so now I don’t want a FWB) and I anticipated it for 2 weeks until he rejected me, so that put being single into my head since December but now finally i see that it’s my choice and feel calm about it.

Obsessive? Aspergers?!? I can say one thing for sure: You weren’t talking to any mind readers! If any one of us were to put a screen with one of those ticker-tapes on our foreheads, so that others could read our train of thought as it rolled along, the people who could read our foreheads would probably want us locked up. They’d surely want to do it any time we were upset.

When you allow others to know your deepest thoughts and feelings and they have no training to discern your thoughts from the thoughts a typical person might report about something that has them upset, a lot of them will think you’re a bit off. Confide in others, that is a very good thing, but choose those confidants with care!

They say if you have a splitting headache like you’ve never had before or you have unexplained numbness on just one side of your body, you ought to get to a hospital immediately, because you might be having a stroke. Likewise if you feel you have “crushing” chest pain: Do not Pass Go, Do not Collect $200, Go Directly to the Emergency Department.

If you have thoughts of suicide or harming yourself or you find yourself dwelling on death or believing that no one would miss you if you were dead, get help. Get it now. No excuses, Do not Pass Go, all the rest. Promise that. Otherwise, when your thoughts become like a dog chasing its tail, try to find a substitute train of thought or a different activity. Whenever the dog starts spinning, try one of the things on your list of substitutes, something to distract you. Very often that will do the trick. (One thing I use is an MP3 player with books on tape on it–an interesting train of thought often does the trick for me.) If that doesn’t work for you or if you just feel your way of thinking is keeping you from being your used-to-be-happy self, find someone competent and discreet to talk to about it. Really, you’d be surprised how much that can help! Keep away from the people who want to lock you up for being a worry-wart, though, because they do not help things! Real professionals don’t just slap a label on you like Lucy VanPelt, and ask for their nickels. If you are willing to sort through until you find one whose toolbox suits your project, they do have this way of helping.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Doglover,

You might want to think about how you define single. I am noticing that you are thinking of single as being without a relationship. In actuality, single is unmarried. Period. When in a relationship, you are still single unless the man is your husband.

The words you use show you are looking at your life as either single, without a man, or in a relationship, with a man. Perhaps it is time to look at what being single really means. While it is true that if you are in a relationship with a man you are part of a couple, you are still single. You are unmarried. He is unmarried. Essentially, you are both single and free. Having a boyfriend is not comparable to having a husband.

I am not saying this in regards to fidelity or looking at pictures of other women. A man or woman should be respectful of the person they are in a relationship with.

I am saying this in regards to your decision. Unless you have been married before and have not mentioned that, you have always been single. It is not accurate to say such tnings as “when I was not single” or “since I became single”. After reading everything, I think you gave a large part of yourself over to a man to whom you are not married and then became sad that he did not act towards you as a faithful husband would.

It might be good to look at what type of man and type of relationship you want for yourself, rather than just looking at all men as alike but realizing you really love men and closeness. If a guy came along and you did get involved, where would you want it to lead? Nowhere? Or marriage?

You have an idea of the behavior you find unacceptable in yourself and in a guy. You can tell the next guy this and set boundries right up front. But, be very cautious about looking at a having a boyfriend as not being single.

 

[doglover2]

Easter thank you you are right that people shouldn’t just slap labels and don’t worry I am not suicidal at all thank you so much for your concern <3

Carole ah okay yes I guess I used the word single incorrectly then. I guess I can say that I will stay without male company besides as friends =)

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter thank you you are right that people shouldn’t just slap labels and don’t worry I am not suicidal at all thank you so much for your concern <3

To warn someone who is feeling depressed that all bets are off and professional help must be sought the moment that suicide or thoughts of death are on the table is pro forma–a necessary warning because it is serious, not because I’m assuming you’re having thoughts of death. It really is like the necessary passing reminder about crushing chest pains, the worst headache of your life, numbness on one side of the body, and so on. Just put that on your list of symptoms that you may not ignore, that’s all. Thoughts of death or suicide, in particular, are insidious and can become habitual long before they seem to be a real threat. That is not a safe habit of mind, that’s the take-home message.