Why I decided to be a stay at home wife

[JimG]

One woman’s thoughts on an alternate career choice. This reminded me of one of my own relatives who made such a choice shortly after the birth of her first child, and is happy with her decision.

Then the answer came to me one night about a month ago, sitting on my bed and flipping through my e-mails. I’d just had an interview to be a substitute teacher at Catholic school about thirty minutes away from our new home . They’d offered me the position. You would think that this meant I was finally at peace. But I wasn’t. I sat on my bed and realized that I didn’t want that job. And I didn’t want the twenty-some other jobs that I’d applied to. The reason I’d applied to them was that I wanted to proudly state that I was employed, as if that added something to my self worth.

The full article is here.

 

[EasterJoy]

Most people over the history of employment outside the home/tribe have worked because they or their family needed or wanted the money (or whatever thing of value they hoped to drag home on account of the foray). If they could stay home and be in material contentment of some sort, they did that, unless, to be frank, staying home made someone at home, the worker or the rest of the family, a lot less content with family life.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Most people over the history of employment outside the home/tribe have worked because they or their family needed or wanted the money (or whatever thing of value they hoped to drag home on account of the foray). If they could stay home and be in material contentment of some sort, they did that, unless, to be frank, staying home made someone at home, the worker or the rest of the family, a lot less content with family life.

I’ve noticed the OP often posts about women who find traditional gender roles fulfilling, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if the OP is under the impression that the majority of working women do so out of “pride” or for “professional fulfillment” or out of some ideological feminist reason, then I agree with you that’s hardly the case for most women, any more than it is for men.

I also wouldn’t use the fact that some women do stay at home to counsel women in general against getting education or vocational training that would help them get employed. Not all women marry. Not all women marry men who can support the family by himself. And sadly, not all women marry men who stick around.

BTW: My mother is very traditional and I’m sure she’d have stayed at home full time if we could afford it, but she didn’t, so she worked part-time. She also remarked to me after 9/11 that she definitely wanted me and my sister to be able to support ourselves, even if we did marry, as we never know what could happen to our husbands. (The point about 9/11 is that a lot of women got widowed that day, who never expected it.)

 

[MomaMary8]

Thank you OP. That was a nice article you shared. Its enjoyable to read of someone searching for their path in life, and finding joy in doing an alternate path.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve noticed the OP often posts about women who find traditional gender roles fulfilling, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if the OP is under the impression that the majority of working women do so out of “pride” or for “professional fulfillment” or out of some ideological feminist reason, then I agree with you that’s hardly the case for most women, any more than it is for men.

I also wouldn’t use the fact that some women do stay at home to counsel women in general against getting education or vocational training that would help them get employed. Not all women marry. Not all women marry men who can support the family by himself. And sadly, not all women marry men who stick around.

BTW: My mother is very traditional and I’m sure she’d have stayed at home full time if we could afford it, but she didn’t, so she worked part-time. She also remarked to me after 9/11 that she definitely wanted me and my sister to be able to support ourselves, even if we did marry, as we never know what could happen to our husbands. (The point about 9/11 is that a lot of women got widowed that day, who never expected it.)

Exactly. There are men who are all about their careers, but most put in the hours away from their wives and children that they do for the good of the family and just to be able to sleep better at night knowing their families are provided for.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’ve noticed the OP often posts about women who find traditional gender roles fulfilling, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if the OP is under the impression that the majority of working women do so out of “pride” or for “professional fulfillment” or out of some ideological feminist reason, then I agree with you that’s hardly the case for most women, any more than it is for men.

I also wouldn’t use the fact that some women do stay at home to counsel women in general against getting education or vocational training that would help them get employed. Not all women marry. Not all women marry men who can support the family by himself. And sadly, not all women marry men who stick around.

BTW: My mother is very traditional and I’m sure she’d have stayed at home full time if we could afford it, but she didn’t, so she worked part-time. She also remarked to me after 9/11 that she definitely wanted me and my sister to be able to support ourselves, even if we did marry, as we never know what could happen to our husbands. (The point about 9/11 is that a lot of women got widowed that day, who never expected it.)

Right.

There’s also the fact that the article in the OP describes a pretty idealistic scenario for a SAHM, one in which she can pursue her own interests (reading and writing). I assume there is a lot of childcare being done by someone else, whether paid or unpaid, if she’s able to have such hobbies.

For many of us, being a SAHM translates to 12-14 hour "work"day, 7 days per week, without more than a couple of five-minute breaks here and there. With one kid, I did have naptimes to myself once chores were done, true, as I suspect the writer does, but with one more added to the mix, fuggedaboutit! Even if the older kid still napped, there are barely enough hours in my day to complete my chores before getting to bed. Posting this is the first time I’ve sat down today except for in the car to run an errand, and it’s 2 PM here. That’s pretty typical. There is also no time for me to pursue my own interests. I’m up at 6 or 6:30, and don’t stop until about 8-9 at night. The post is, I think, a very overoptimistic scenario, and one you’re really only going to get with a single, napping kid in the house.

(For comparison, DH, who does work very hard at his job, works from 8-5 or 5:30 M-F for most of the year, and has weekends and evenings “off” to pursue his hobbies.)

Of those moms who work, many must in order to make ends meet. However, others are simply not fulfilled by spending the aforementioned 12-14 hour days changing diapers, doing laundry, and arguing with kids about every daily activity from toileting to eating while attempting to get the housework done, only to do it all over again the next day. Why shame them for a desire for intellectual growth and achievement? A man wouldn’t be seen as somehow “less than” for wanting to educate himself and get a non-menial-labor job, should he so desire; why should a woman?

And now, back to the laundry…

ETA: I just realized after reading more of this blogger’s posts that she isn’t even a mom yet. I’m LOLing here. I was a SAHW, too–a very stupid decision, in retrospect, because I could have paid off my student loans if I’d just worked the year before DD was born. That poster, unless she has a lot of family nearby or a husband who makes enough to afford daycare, is going to be in for a bit of a surprise about just how much free time she’ll have to pursue those hobbies once babies start coming.

 

[jesucated]

Most people over the history of employment outside the home/tribe have worked because they or their family needed or wanted the money (or whatever thing of value they hoped to drag home on account of the foray). If they could stay home and be in material contentment of some sort, they did that, unless, to be frank, staying home made someone at home, the worker or the rest of the family, a lot less content with family life.

I sincerely appreciate your comments here, but I’d like to add something as well. At least in our family, my wife and I both choose to work outside them home because we have unique skills that we thought we could share with the world around us to make it a better better place (she’s a doctor and I’m a college professor). We still both spend as much time as possible with each other and with our kids of, and the kids always have one of us at home.

I know all of this won’t be the case for everyone, and that we’ve been extraordinarily blessed to have jobs to make this kind of schedule work for us. That said, I wanted to share this additional perspective.

 

[Tablefor9]

UbiCaritas:

…
ETA: I just realized after reading more of this blogger’s posts that she isn’t even a mom yet. I’m LOLing here. I was a SAHW, too–a very stupid decision, in retrospect, because I could have paid off my student loans if I’d just worked the year before DD was born. That poster, unless she has a lot of family nearby or a husband who makes enough to afford daycare, is going to be in for a bit of a surprise about just how much free time she’ll have to pursue those hobbies once babies start coming.

Right

The first step of that that horse is a doozy.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

I’m a stay at home wife and mum…for now. We decided before the birth of our first and only child that I would stay at home until she started primary school at which time I will find a job that has school friendly hours so I can get her ready for school and be there after school.

I did work part-time for 8 months when my husband was made redundant, he and his mum looked after our daughter, she babysat when he had interviews. Now he has a job, we have returned to our normal routine.

It works for us but it’s not an ideal or practical situation for every family. Some families need that second income, we are blessed that hubby’s income is sufficient. That said, I know some families with a second income have found that all the money earned or 90% of it goes to pay for daycare.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’m a stay at home wife and mum…for now. We decided before the birth of our first and only child that I would stay at home until she started primary school at which time I will find a job that has school friendly hours so I can get her ready for school and be there after school.

I did work part-time for 8 months when my husband was made redundant, he and his mum looked after our daughter, she babysat when he had interviews. Now he has a job, we have returned to our normal routine.

It works for us but it’s not an ideal or practical situation for every family. Some families need that second income, we are blessed that hubby’s income is sufficient. That said, I know some families with a second income have found that all the money earned or 90% of it goes to pay for daycare.

That is, indeed, sometimes the case. However, working can have longer-term implications than the next paycheck: 401K/pension contributions, insurance coverage, and also avoiding the dreaded gaps in employment. Also, stepping out of the workforce in some areas can mean the death knell for a career–see medicine, and how fast that world changes, for example.

DH and I know that if anything ever happened to him, I would realistically have to go back to school for a few years before I could market myself to a job that would allow me to support myself and the kids, so our financial plans reflect that. That also means that just when the kids would likely need me the most, I would be the most absent due to schooling…not a nice scenario.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

I sincerely appreciate your comments here, but I’d like to add something as well. At least in our family, my wife and I both choose to work outside them home because we have unique skills that we thought we could share with the world around us to make it a better better place (she’s a doctor and I’m a college professor). We still both spend as much time as possible with each other and with our kids of, and the kids always have one of us at home.

I know all of this won’t be the case for everyone, and that we’ve been extraordinarily blessed to have jobs to make this kind of schedule work for us. That said, I wanted to share this additional perspective.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Allegra]

I’ve noticed the OP often posts about women who find traditional gender roles fulfilling, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if the OP is under the impression that the majority of working women do so out of “pride” or for “professional fulfillment” or out of some ideological feminist reason, then I agree with you that’s hardly the case for most women, any more than it is for men.

I also wouldn’t use the fact that some women do stay at home to counsel women in general against getting education or vocational training that would help them get employed. Not all women marry. Not all women marry men who can support the family by himself. And sadly, not all women marry men who stick around.

BTW: My mother is very traditional and I’m sure she’d have stayed at home full time if we could afford it, but she didn’t, so she worked part-time. She also remarked to me after 9/11 that she definitely wanted me and my sister to be able to support ourselves, even if we did marry, as we never know what could happen to our husbands. (The point about 9/11 is that a lot of women got widowed that day, who never expected it.)

Grandma always said, “Men die, but a degree is forever!” That was her wisdom from being forced to bring up three children alone on an eighth grade education.

 

[MissBorgia]

I am almost 38, never been married, but ever since I was 16 i wanted to stay at home, keep house, feed my husband and family, participate in my parish church. I think alot more ladies are coming back to the basics and I think it is wonderful

 

[SAVINGRACE]

That is, indeed, sometimes the case. However, working can have longer-term implications than the next paycheck: 401K/pension contributions, insurance coverage, and also avoiding the dreaded gaps in employment. Also, stepping out of the workforce in some areas can mean the death knell for a career–see medicine, and how fast that world changes, for example.

DH and I know that if anything ever happened to him, I would realistically have to go back to school for a few years before I could market myself to a job that would allow me to support myself and the kids, so our financial plans reflect that. That also means that just when the kids would likely need me the most, I would be the most absent due to schooling…not a nice scenario.

Yes definitely a danger to avoid. We have to always be improving ourselves and keeping updated. I plan everything, including trips to the grocery store. Drives hubby nuts sometimes but I think it’s a +.

My plan when we found out I was pregnant was to continue my education via online studies when our child turned 3. Next semester I start a postgraduate course via university online. I do one or two subjects a semester while I am at home. It will take 2-3 years at this pace, I’ll be done when our daughter starts Gr1.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I am almost 38, never been married, but ever since I was 16 i wanted to stay at home, keep house, feed my husband and family, participate in my parish church . I think alot more ladies are coming back to the basics and I think it is wonderful

And if that’s what you want, good for you! However, I bolded what I did to make another point: if a SAHM doesn’t have childcare, she can’t really participate in her church. I have tried to do so, but it’s not really feasible to, for example, bring a toddler and a crawling baby with me to help put on a post-funeral dinner, or clean the church, or sort church library books, or attend a Catholic Daughters meeting, or sing in the choir/attend choir practice, or…well, you get the idea.

I suspect I may come across as overly negative on this post. There are certain things about being a SAHM I like, and I wouldn’t trade it for a full-time job if I had the choice. However, it’s not fair to paint it as one long, lovely domestic scene, or one in which one can usually spend much time doing anything except very mundane tasks that need to be done over and over again. I have been interrupted eight times while writing this post. *Eight. * Even phone calls with friends don’t really happen anymore because the kids will always need something as soon as we start talking.

 

[Sarcelle]

Grandma always said, “Men die, but a degree is forever!” That was her wisdom from being forced to bring up three children alone on an eighth grade education.

My mother used to say the same thing.

So did my father.

 

[JimG]

Right.

There’s also the fact that the article in the OP describes a pretty idealistic scenario for a SAHM, one in which she can pursue her own interests (reading and writing). I assume there is a lot of childcare being done by someone else, whether paid or unpaid, if she’s able to have such hobbies.

For many of us, being a SAHM translates to 12-14 hour "work"day, 7 days per week, without more than a couple of five-minute breaks here and there. With one kid, I did have naptimes to myself once chores were done, true, as I suspect the writer does, but with one more added to the mix, fuggedaboutit! Even if the older kid still napped, there are barely enough hours in my day to complete my chores before getting to bed. Posting this is the first time I’ve sat down today except for in the car to run an errand, and it’s 2 PM here. That’s pretty typical. There is also no time for me to pursue my own interests. I’m up at 6 or 6:30, and don’t stop until about 8-9 at night. The post is, I think, a very overoptimistic scenario, and one you’re really only going to get with a single, napping kid in the house.

(For comparison, DH, who does work very hard at his job, works from 8-5 or 5:30 M-F for most of the year, and has weekends and evenings “off” to pursue his hobbies.)

Of those moms who work, many must in order to make ends meet. However, others are simply not fulfilled by spending the aforementioned 12-14 hour days changing diapers, doing laundry, and arguing with kids about every daily activity from toileting to eating while attempting to get the housework done, only to do it all over again the next day. Why shame them for a desire for intellectual growth and achievement? A man wouldn’t be seen as somehow “less than” for wanting to educate himself and get a non-menial-labor job, should he so desire; why should a woman?

And now, back to the laundry…

ETA: I just realized after reading more of this blogger’s posts that she isn’t even a mom yet. I’m LOLing here. I was a SAHW, too–a very stupid decision, in retrospect, because I could have paid off my student loans if I’d just worked the year before DD was born. That poster, unless she has a lot of family nearby or a husband who makes enough to afford daycare, is going to be in for a bit of a surprise about just how much free time she’ll have to pursue those hobbies once babies start coming.

It really does sound like an idealistic situation, and she is happy with it. But as you noted, she is newly married, children have not come along yet, and things will no doubt change. Life will get a lot busier. I just found her line of thought and her decisions interesting. My niece made a similar decision but not till her first child was born, and then she decided that it worked better for her to stay home and avoid daycare expenses. It’s nice when things work out, and this blogger may find her future career in her writing. I don’t think her blog implies any judgment of others for doing things differently, nor was that my intention in linking to it.

 

[MissBorgia]

I was just pointing out things that I always liked to do or saw myself doing. hypotheticals if you will. Hats off to you …you sound busy

 

[Xantippe]

And if that’s what you want, good for you! However, I bolded what I did to make another point: if **a SAHM doesn’t have childcare, she can’t really participate in her church. ** I have tried to do so, but it’s not really feasible to, for example, bring a toddler and a crawling baby with me to help put on a post-funeral dinner, or clean the church, or sort church library books, or attend a Catholic Daughters meeting, or sing in the choir/attend choir practice, or…well, you get the idea.

I suspect I may come across as overly negative on this post. There are certain things about being a SAHM I like, and I wouldn’t trade it for a full-time job if I had the choice. However, it’s not fair to paint it as one long, lovely domestic scene, or one in which one can usually spend much time doing anything except very mundane tasks that need to be done over and over again. I have been interrupted eight times while writing this post. *Eight. * Even phone calls with friends don’t really happen anymore because the kids will always need something as soon as we start talking.

Very good points.

It’s not being negative–it is actually rather unfair to actual SAHMs to depict their lifestyle as some sort of perpetual vacation, where you can pick and choose and only have to do the stuff that you like.

Two of my kids are big and in school and Baby Girl is a solid 4 (a fantastic age) and I have lots of internet time, buuuut even so, I really do not see a lot of points of contact between my life and the blogger’s life. For example, Baby Girl is a late potty trainer, and for the last three days, we’ve had a timer going off every 30 minutes to remind us to go potty. For those of you doing math at home, that’s 20+ potty visits a day even with occasional skips. One of my CAF friends thought that something must have happened to me…

The blogger says:

“On this first week of my time as a stay-at-home-wife, I’ve learned quite a few lessons already.”

I have to say, this is one of the curses of the modern age–that people feel the need to immediately put their experiences into pixels before they’ve even really had them yet. There’s no time to get perspective.

The blogger reminds me of me at certain points in my life–after I left grad school and before I got my next job and after I got laid off a few years later and before my baby was born. Initially, it was really swell to have time to indulge in uber-domesticity, but after a while, it just got sad and lonely (and I’m not Miss Congeniality, either).

 

[Xantippe]

If this young woman has **any **student loans, she should be knocking them out right now, for the sake of her future family.

It’s never going to be easier.

Edited to add: The same goes if her husband has any student loans.