I agree with the others. It would be good to do some research at another parish to find out if this is truly standard for convalidations in your diocese. Something doesn’t seem right to me as well. Did he specify what the $425 was for and why it would cost anything if you had the convalidation done during a regular Sunday mass? It should cost little, if anything, if it is done like that even if it is for a couple getting married for the first time.We talked to our parish priest and told him that we don’t have a lot of money and we will only invite the 2 witnesses. We want something small and quiet. We also said that we’d like to have the wedding as soon as possible.
He told us this
I told him I don’t make a lot of money. He said if we don’t pay, then we can’t get married. He cannot waive the fee for us or he would have to do it for everyone. I’ve always hated the idea of “pay to pray”. I hope this is not the standard for the Catholic Church. I told him again that this is not what we want. He was very adamant that we do things this way.
- $425 for the church is mandatory. (tips for the priest and alter servers are appreciated)
- Minimum wait of 6 months. Year is better.
- Four people that know us must come in and be interviewed by the priest.
- FOCCUS, pre cana, NFP classes are all mandatory and cost money.
- Must get permission from the arch diocese to get married. Minimum of two months wait once all the classes, interviews, and paperwork are complete.
Not sure what we’re going to do from here. It’s not the difficulty that bothers me. The process just doesn’t seem right.
This is exactly what my husband and I experienced. The entire process for us took only about a month as well - appt for the interview and then the convalidation itself 2 weeks later. We also paid only the voluntary donation that we gave the priest.My husband and I had been married for three years when we had our marriage convalidated. I called the parish where I was baptized and requested a copy of the record be mailed to me. It is a common request and I did not have to submit my request in writing. I had to provide a certified copy of our marriage certificate. Because my husband is Jewish, we had to apply for a dispensation from the bishop for disparity of cult, and that was it. We had one brief meeting with the priest where he explained the process to us and answered some questions for my husband. He asked each of us a series of questions and we had to sign the form indicating we had been honest in our answers.The priest did not interview anyone else. We were not required to attend pre-Cana classes.
It took about a month for the paperwork to be approved and then we had our marriage convlidated on a weekday in the church. We brought two witnesses with us. It took about 10 minutes. There was no charge, although I did make a donation. The whole process was very easy.
You are approaching this as though you have been validly Married for the 20years when in fact you have not. You are no different then anyone else seeking to be Married for the first time. You must attend all the same classes and do the same interviews as any couple seeking to be Married. This is the real thing not just a technicallity.We are getting our marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. We are both Catholic and have never been married before. We’ve been married 20 years with 3 children. I’ve been told this was supposed to be a simple process. So far it has been very difficult.
We’ve been members of this parish for over 10 years and all of our children have been baptized there. We are required to have affidavits and interviews with people we know and the priest. Neither of our families live around here so it is not so simple. Also we must request permission from the Archdiocese. The whole process will take months and looks to be about 6 months total. Also, it will cost us a minimum of $800 and we are supposed to live celibate the whole time. We have to attend Pre Cana, a FOCCUS evaluation, and NFP classes. We have to provide proof of Baptism and Confirmation. Isn’t this stuff already recorded? The parish I was baptised at won’t send me any info without a written request.
Seems completely unreasonable to me. The thing that gets me the most is that we have send in paperwork and wait a minimum of two months to be approved by the Archdiocese. Permission for what? We are both Catholics! Six months of celibacy?
We are thinking it’s really not worth it.
So my question is why does this need to be approved by the Archdiocese? Also if anyone knows of alternatives I’d appreciate it.
The concern is that because of your past actions you may not fully understand the theology of Marriage, the full and complete teachings of the Church about Marriage and the Marriage relationship.I think it is really stupid to have somoene married 20 years to attend pre-cana (which is for people not married yet) and to do FOCCUS (what are they going to do if they don’t like your answers, tell you to divorce?) Why is it so difficult to get a Baptism certificate. We have people call all the time for one…It takes 10 minutes to look it up and send the certificate. And I don’t understand the $800. A convalidation can be done in 15 minutes outside of a mass, or it can be done in about 5 minutes at a parish mass. The celibacy thing I can understand because in the eyes of the Church you are living in sin. Yet to wait 6 months is a hardship. I would talk to another priest or call the diocese. I have never heard of waiting 6 months for a convalidation, especially since you both were never married before.
Which is just the opposite of what I was told when I went through the process. I was told that the Church tries to treat people that have been living as husband and wife for many years in a different way than those that have only known each other for a couple of months or years.You are approaching this as though you have been validly Married for the 20years when in fact you have not. You are no different then anyone else seeking to be Married for the first time. You must attend all the same classes and do the same interviews as any couple seeking to be Married. This is the real thing not just a technicallity.
From one who has gone through the convalidation process, I have to respectfully say that you are wrong. My husband and I had been married for 7 years when we came back to the Church, and we were treated very differently from a couple seeking to be married for the first time in the church. Convalidation, if it does not involve prior marriages, is a very quick process. The only time it gets complicated is if there are prior marriages and divorces.You are approaching this as though you have been validly Married for the 20years when in fact you have not. You are no different then anyone else seeking to be Married for the first time. You must attend all the same classes and do the same interviews as any couple seeking to be Married. This is the real thing not just a technicallity.
While you may have experienced a quick resolution, how long it takes depends on the priest. He has the same obligation to do the prenuptial investigation as he would if you were 20 and coming to him after just getting engaged. He has to make sure you can validly marry. That takes as long as it takes. Some dioceses/parishes may insist on the same marriage preparation as any other couple seeking marriage. Some may tailor it depending on how long you’ve been in the civil marriage – although the duration of the civil marriage is not necessarily an indication that there is nothing wrong or nothing that would be a stumbling block to a Church marriage.From one who has gone through the convalidation process, I have to respectfully say that you are wrong. My husband and I had been married for 7 years when we came back to the Church, and we were treated very differently from a couple seeking to be married for the first time in the church. Convalidation, if it does not involve prior marriages, is a very quick process. The only time it gets complicated is if there are prior marriages and divorces.
Affidavits aren’t a big deal to me, especially if they are mailed. The four interviews are actually a big deal. I told the priest that neither my wife’s nor my family lives around here. We have to find 4 people that know us well that are willing to take time out of their busy schedule, call up a stranger, and get interviewed. My mother said she would drive 4 hours to do it. Again, the priest will not budge on this.I feel your frustration.
Are you sure that you are not misunderstanding the “interview” requirement? It is common for a priest to mail an affidavit to four people (usually the parents) to determine freedom to marry. It is just a sheet of paper that asks if there is any reason you aren’t free to marry (like a previous marriage) that the priest may not otherwise know if the two of you withheld information. It takes less than a minute to fill out.
For some reason, people seem to get upset by the affidavits: “I don’t need anyone else’s permission to get married!” But they’re not permission, those represent the priest’s investigation to ensure that you’re (canonically) legally able to marry, just like when the county checks their database before issuing a marriage license. Think of it like a proactive “If anyone has reason why these two should not marry…”
Don’t tell me how I am approaching this. You have no idea the discussions, studying, or preparation my wife and I are going through to prepare for this holy sacrament.You are approaching this as though you have been validly Married for the 20years when in fact you have not. You are no different then anyone else seeking to be Married for the first time. You must attend all the same classes and do the same interviews as any couple seeking to be Married. This is the real thing not just a technicallity.
You had better contact Fr. George Rutler and tell him he did not do our convalidation correctly. Are you possibly suggesting that the Church would tell a couple who have been married for 20 years and have several kids, as the OP does, that they should split up? That’s ridiculous. The only way that would happen is if there are previous marriages and divorces. If it is a first and only marriage for each, there should be no obstacle at all.While you may have experienced a quick resolution, how long it takes depends on the priest. He has the same obligation to do the prenuptial investigation as he would if you were 20 and coming to him after just getting engaged. He has to make sure you can validly marry. That takes as long as it takes. Some dioceses/parishes may insist on the same marriage preparation as any other couple seeking marriage. Some may tailor it depending on how long you’ve been in the civil marriage – although the duration of the civil marriage is not necessarily an indication that there is nothing wrong or nothing that would be a stumbling block to a Church marriage.
There should be no obstacle and no hoops for you to jump through to get your marriage convalidated. If you are having problems, you should either contact your bishop or contact another parish. I would demand to know why you need to attend pre cana when other priests do not require this.Don’t tell me how I am approaching this. You have no idea the discussions, studying, or preparation my wife and I are going through to prepare for this holy sacrament.
Do you have 3 children and have you been with the same partner for over 20 years? I am insulted that you are belittling our relationship as a “technicality”. You have no idea the trials and tribulations we have gone through to stay together. Only someone who has gone through this can appreciate how difficult it is to stay together this long and raise a family. So many people are getting divorced these days, I’d think that we have to be doing something right. The fact that we want to enter into the sacrament after all these years should be an even further indication of our devotion to each other.
It is ridiculous to put everyone into the same category. People are individuals and should be treated as such. We are not being unreasonable. We are making an effort to do the right thing. We have gathered all the paperwork and are attending the pre cana. The priest should be working with us and help us instead of demanding we do everything his way. There are obviously different ways to convalidate marriages.
I’m not calling your relationship a “technicality”. I see your approach to the convalidation as though it was only a technicality. Based on your comment that maybe it’s just not worth it. You are actually validly exchanging vows of Marriage for the first time.Don’t tell me how I am approaching this. You have no idea the discussions, studying, or preparation my wife and I are going through to prepare for this holy sacrament.
Do you have 3 children and have you been with the same partner for over 20 years? I am insulted that you are belittling our relationship as a “technicality”. You have no idea the trials and tribulations we have gone through to stay together. Only someone who has gone through this can appreciate how difficult it is to stay together this long and raise a family. So many people are getting divorced these days, I’d think that we have to be doing something right. The fact that we want to enter into the sacrament after all these years should be an even further indication of our devotion to each other.
It is ridiculous to put everyone into the same category. People are individuals and should be treated as such. We are not being unreasonable. We are making an effort to do the right thing. We have gathered all the paperwork and are attending the pre cana. The priest should be working with us and help us instead of demanding we do everything his way. There are obviously different ways to convalidate marriages.
Yes, it’s true that the OP is not validly married in the eyes of the Church or of God. But nonetheless, the OP has 20 years of marriage experience and 3 kids - that should definitely count for something. They’re hardly starry-eyed kids needing pre-marriage counseling. And that is why priests like Fr. Rutler, who convalidated my marriage, do not require counseling of such couples, and in fact, just want to get them validly married as soon as possible.I’m not calling your relationship a “technicality”. I see your approach to the convalidation as though it was only a technicality. Based on your comment that maybe it’s just not worth it. You are actually validly exchanging vows of Marriage for the first time.
Couples have been known to get divorced after many years of marriage and raising many children. The promises that a Catholic makes in marriage are different than those made by other christians and civil law. Counseling and education is prudent . We need to be educated and prepared for all the service sacraments. Getting someone validly married as soon as possible doesn’t seem like the prudent thing to do to me if there are impediments . Can’t find out if there are impediments unless some counseling and education is done. There is a seriously high rate of annulment petitions and grants in this country. Everything possible should be done to avoid it.Yes, it’s true that the OP is not validly married in the eyes of the Church or of God. But nonetheless, the OP has 20 years of marriage experience and 3 kids - that should definitely count for something. They’re hardly starry-eyed kids needing pre-marriage counseling. And that is why priests like Fr. Rutler, who convalidated my marriage, do not require counseling of such couples, and in fact, just want to get them validly married as soon as possible.
Mary
When I had my marriage convalidated, Fr. Rutler asked us questions about our history as Catholics and our marriage. One interview is enough to bring out any major impediments. Are you possibly suggesting that after a couple has been civilly married for a number of years, and there are kids involved, and there are no prior marriages or divorces, that there would be any reason not to convalidate the marriage? If a couple has come into or back to the church, and they want to do things right by getting married in the eyes of the Church and God, why would you want to make it so difficult? Fr. George Rutler is as orthodox and by the book as they come, and he certainly didn’t do it that way for us.Couples have been known to get divorced after many years of marriage and raising many children. The promises that a Catholic makes in marriage are different than those made by other christians and civil law. Counseling and education is prudent . We need to be educated and prepared for all the service sacraments. Getting someone validly married as soon as possible doesn’t seem like the prudent thing to do to me if there are impediments . Can’t find out if there are impediments unless some counseling and education is done. There is a seriously high rate of annulment petitions and grants in this country. Everything possible should be done to avoid it.
A simple remedy
Originally, Maria and Tony married in a swift civil ceremony not because of any burdensome Church restrictions but because of other factors. Their wish to have their marriage convalidated a decade later surfaced because of several reasons: a visit from their parish priest, their uncomfortable feeling in preparing others for marriage when they had not yet been married in the Church and their decision to start a family.
The remedy of their situation was relatively simple. Both obtained baptismal records and completed a standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form. The actual exchange of vows before a priest took place at the main altar after a Saturday night Mass, with only members of their immediate family attending. Maria and Tony dressed in the same outfits they had worn for the Florida ceremony.
With considerable abbreviation and adaptation, the priest used the basic Rite for Celebrating Marriage Outside Mass. The service took about 10 minutes. Afterward, the family celebrated at a local restaurant.
This is exactly what we experienced with our convalidation. You are all making this far more complicated and putting far more stress on the OP than the Church ever meant it to be.Several years later, Tony and Maria are the parents of three young boys, actively participate at Sunday Mass, generously donate to charities and fulfill leadership roles in parish activities.