Why is dating and finding the ONE so difficult

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angelcrystal85

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Hello Everyone,
I been feeling discouraged and sad about dating. I feel happy in all aspects of life except dating, I feel I am ready to settle down but I just haven’t had any luck. I have a established job/career that I enjoy doing, I have grown spiritually this past year becoming very devoted to our Lady and the Rosary. I started talking to a guy I met online Catholic dating site. we wrote each other very long emails, and then started talking in the phone. He lives 7 hours away, he drove to see me, and I went to visit him twice all ready. My concern is that he is moving to quickly. He is telling me he loves me, I am the woman he is going to marry, he is super happy with me, he has never met someone like me ect. This scared me because a guy that is mentally stable would not be saying this things to me. When we are together, he is respectful, and enjoying time with me. He introduced me his parents allready, and they seem to be happy to know me. After I came back home, he texts me and says that he is not sure if he wants to continue seeing me, the long distance is hard, and totally went cold. When we said good bye in person he was super exited telling me he wants to see me as soon as he can, he will miss me ect. This behavior confuses me, and I feel he is playing with my feelings. He tells me alot of things, and then the reality is that he does not feel what he is saying. He had a very difficult past, and not sure that is what is not letting him have a normal relationship. This just hurts me, and is a pattern I see guys that I date. They lead me on saying “You are the one” “I love you” “I will marry you” ect.
Should I continue seeing this guy?
All I know, is that I been praying to God and Mama Mary Novenas to find a good Catholic man. I am 30, I am confident girl and happy with my life. I am devoted to prayer, volunteer, take care of my self eating healthy, working out, dressing fashionable nice, I have fun hobbies that I do on my free time. But is been difficult to find the man God has for me. I have high standards and I wont date a secular guy, I am looking for a guy that practices the Catholic faith and is serious about discerning marriage and not date just for recreational purposes. I go to Catholic events and see if I can find Catholic guys, but no luck. I have a desire to be married and have a family, I know marriage is my vocation. Sometimes I get
sad and discouraged, like Im going to be alone for the rest of my life. Should I just stop dating and let things happen by themselves, should I go back to Catholicmatch and try it again? Thanks everyone!
 
Angel. Look. We can’t tell you much about what to do with this guy. Because in the short way you describe him. In just those few sentences. He sounds like a psychopath. And I’m sure he’s not. So I’d need a whole slew of background. To fill in a fuller picture. So if you want to PM me that. I’d dig into that in a deeper way. But right now. All I can say is that you keep searching. Get back on the dating sites. And get yourself a plan B. Because this first guy sounds like a bit of a manipulator. Or at least a guy who can’t walk in a straight line. So you may not want to waste too much more time with him. Get out your net. And go fishing.

Peace Angel. And good luck!

-Trident
 
angelcrystal85 said:
Hello Everyone,
I been feeling discouraged and sad about dating. I feel happy in all aspects of life except dating, I feel I am ready to settle down but I just haven’t had any luck. I have a established job/career that I enjoy doing, I have grown spiritually this past year becoming very devoted to our Lady and the Rosary. I started talking to a guy I met online Catholic dating site. we wrote each other very long emails, and then started talking in the phone. He lives 7 hours away, he drove to see me, and I went to visit him twice all ready. My concern is that he is moving to quickly. He is telling me he loves me, I am the woman he is going to marry, he is super happy with me, he has never met someone like me ect. This scared me because a guy that is mentally stable would not be saying this things to me. When we are together, he is respectful, and enjoying time with me. He introduced me his parents allready, and they seem to be happy to know me. After I came back home, he texts me and says that he is not sure if he wants to continue seeing me, the long distance is hard, and totally went cold. When we said good bye in person he was super exited telling me he wants to see me as soon as he can, he will miss me ect. This behavior confuses me, and I feel he is playing with my feelings. He tells me alot of things, and then the reality is that he does not feel what he is saying. He had a very difficult past, and not sure that is what is not letting him have a normal relationship. This just hurts me, and is a pattern I see guys that I date. They lead me on saying “You are the one” “I love you” “I will marry you” ect.
Should I continue seeing this guy?
All I know, is that I been praying to God and Mama Mary Novenas to find a good Catholic man. I am 30, I am confident girl and happy with my life. I am devoted to prayer, volunteer, take care of my self eating healthy, working out, dressing fashionable nice, I have fun hobbies that I do on my free time. But is been difficult to find the man God has for me. I have high standards and I wont date a secular guy, I am looking for a guy that practices the Catholic faith and is serious about discerning marriage and not date just for recreational purposes. I go to Catholic events and see if I can find Catholic guys, but no luck. I have a desire to be married and have a family, I know marriage is my vocation. Sometimes I get
sad and discouraged, like Im going to be alone for the rest of my life. Should I just stop dating and let things happen by themselves, should I go back to Catholicmatch and try it again? Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...
Keep on going to Catholic events. I would encourage going to lectures, reading groups and more intellectual things like that, because it’s common for men to connect more with that side of the faith.

Also, maybe go back to Catholic Match but be much stricter about your geographic limits? Ideally, I’d limit the distance to day-trip range (3 hours drive each way?). That way you can see each other faster, see each other more, and figure out faster if it’s a good match.

Also, maybe be a little less serious? I know you feel like you are on a mission, but maybe backburner marriage discernment and just meet as many nice Catholic men as you can?

Also, Seraphic Singles/Edinburgh Housewife is good for inspiration.
 
It’s because too many people today do not treat dating as a decernment period for finding your spouse. Too many people are solely “trying to have fun.”

If you haven’t tried yet, I recommend the following:
  1. the National Catholic Singles Conference (the next one is this weekend in Atlanta)
  2. the Catholic Match Institute - catholicmatch.com/institute
  3. Catholic Match dating site - catholicmatch.com
  4. Ave Maria Singles dating site - www.avemariasingles.com
  5. Catholic Singles dating site - catholicsingles.com
  6. Single Catholics dating site - singlecatholics.com
NOTE - I’m not ranking the dating sites in any order, just the way I copy/pasted them. Each site is a little different and has different strengths and weaknesses.

Further: the Single Catholics site has some books they promote and I’m sure you can find support on the other sites too.

God luck and God Bless
 
Hi Angel,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very frustrating. I’m writing mostly to express sympathy, because I am 30 and single also, so I know it can be hard some times. Keep trying, but also to be more aware of warning signs.

Long distance relationships are hard, I can’t imagine driving 7 hours to meet someone I didn’t already have an established relationship with, but that’s just the way I think.

About the man that you described, I don’t know if he was doing these things because he was mentally unstable, or if he was trying to be manipulative on purpose, but it makes me wonder about his past dating history. I wonder if he’s had any serious relationships in the past…his actions sound like he’s a teenager, all high emotion without a wall. I don’t think you should necessarily discount men who have limited dating experience, but it is something you should be aware of.

I don’t know you, and I can’t tell you what to do, but your relationship with the gentleman described does not sound healthy, and it would not be improper for you to gently but firmly end it with him for good.
 
I don’t know if any of us can tell you whether to keep seeing this man. I would just say this-if your standards are to find a man who tries to be Godly, tries to emulate Christ, is honest, treats you with the respect due to a child of God, treats everyone with respect, obeys the law, doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t drink to excess, is constantly searching for wisdom, is grateful for life, and tries to see God’s loving hand in all of creation, then do not lower your standards. I would suggest getting rid of any standards that have to do with how much money he makes, what he looks like, what his parents do, or anything else superficial or worldly.
 
We cannot tell you anything about this particular guy. Generally speaking, you want to date several men, make friends, not think about marriage too soon. There are certainly many Catholic men looking for a good spouse, so it is do-able.
 
I’m 36 and have never dated anyone. Used to be something I worried about and stressed over, now not so much. I guess I’ve just gradually accepted it. It’s not that I’ve made some grandiose statement that I’ve forever given up on it, I just have zero expectations.
 
Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel is hard for me to meet people because I live in a small town where everyone is married with kids. Big major cities with Catholic young adult groups are hour away from my house and does not include traffic. I was thinking maybe if I Move to a bigger city I have a chance to meet more people. I was thinking maybe in Los Angeles. I have lived in the same area most of my life, but this area has not taken me anywhere. I have no problem meeting and going out on dates, but all the men I find are secular and have no values or faith like me.
 
Falling in love is just too easy and that makes it difficult. When is it committed love for a life time and when is it infatuation?

That he is so drawn to you while you are there and in so much angst that he needs to end it. Shows he is not mature enough to think of you while in the turmoil of his own feelings.

The man needs time to sort this out. You can try to wait it out, but it could be forever. You need to see a more mature love that can make a real commitment. I don’t think you can tell him this, unless it is part of a “we will never have any contact with each other again” breakup letter or speech and he will likely dismiss it anyway.

Who and when needs to be left to God. When He shows you that the who and when is all correct in all your wisdom and His through prayer then you will know its right.
 
angelcrystal85 said:
Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel is hard for me to meet people because I live in a small town where everyone is married with kids. Big major cities with Catholic young adult groups are hour away from my house and does not include traffic. I was thinking maybe if I Move to a bigger city I have a chance to meet more people. I was thinking maybe in Los Angeles. I have lived in the same area most of my life, but this area has not taken me anywhere. I have no problem meeting and going out on dates, but all the men I find are secular and have no values or faith like me.
Click to expand...
Now you are talking about where. Moving away by yourself? This is really stressful. If you are already upset about dating maybe it’s not the best thing to add more in other parts of your life. If you go somewhere go because it will make your situation better. A great job and a great place where you have connections to others that can really help you when you need it. Yes, this can be hard even within our family relations to be able to give and ask support, but just to run off to LA seems dangerous to me.
 
angelcrystal85 said:
Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel is hard for me to meet people because I live in a small town where everyone is married with kids. Big major cities with Catholic young adult groups are hour away from my house and does not include traffic. I was thinking maybe if I Move to a bigger city I have a chance to meet more people. I was thinking maybe in Los Angeles. I have lived in the same area most of my life, but this area has not taken me anywhere. I have no problem meeting and going out on dates, but all the men I find are secular and have no values or faith like me.
Click to expand...
Even small towns can be fruitful. I met my husband in a small town right after moving there. It was a ski resort, and there are lots of single men in ski resorts. Many are ski bums, but many are not. But if your town is played out, then moving to a new area might be a good idea.

Don’t give up on the online match-maker sites, but be discerning about the men you meet. If red flags pop up, heed them. Listen to your gut. Widen the circles you frequent. Volunteer at church and other places, but relax and don’t be desperate. Look at this as a long trip where you don’t know where you are going, but enjoy the scenery along the way. Also, don’t be shy about telling the Catholics at your church (or elsewhere) that you are looking. They might know a man who is looking, too. 🙂
 
wmw said:
Now you are talking about where. Moving away by yourself? This is really stressful. If you are already upset about dating maybe it’s not the best thing to add more in other parts of your life. If you go somewhere go because it will make your situation better. A great job and a great place where you have connections to others that can really help you when you need it. Yes, this can be hard even within our family relations to be able to give and ask support, but just to run off to LA seems dangerous to me.
Click to expand...
I have live with my family all my life. Thats why I havent moved out of the area. But as Im growing older, I noticed if I want to meet people I need to moved out. I live in a small farm town where all the singles moved to bigger cities. I want to find a group of catholic singles and be part of a group. I am tired of online dating, I’ll rather meet people face to face.
 
I understand, Yes, not being in your parents house is a good step to take. Get away 20 min. to an hour’s drive away or move to a place where you have established friends that can really be there for you. It can be done well. Just the sound of your saying your thinking of going off to LA seemed drastic and isolating.
 
Did you say you are one hour from the city? My suggestion: if you are really just about an hour from the city, start going there on Sundays and check out different parishes for Mass until you find that city parish with activities for young adults, like Theology on Tap. Make it your parish, and start going to events. You’ll inevitably make a few friends, which might lead to you moving to a new place with a social network already in place. I did this and met a few nice guys, but of more value, acquired friendships with just great Catholic people.

I was once very focused on finding a solid Catholic guy to marry. And I dated two I met at church who were daily Mass-goers, and believed all the teachings of the Church. But they were also troubled guys who did a similar bait and switch that you experienced, and ultimately weren’t marriage material (both still single, all these years later). When I least expected it, at 38, I met a guy by happenstance. Someone who at 30 I would have avoided because he was divorced and had a child. But he has turned out to be a wonderful person, kind, caring, moral. He is (or was) a lapsed Catholic who really was taught nothing about the faith, but who has an appetite for it. It is really the most Catholic relationship I have ever been in. I am saying this just to say to you: don’t be blinded by the Catholic label, but really pay attention to character. And if a decent guy comes along who isn’t Catholic, but is someone who makes you think, “he would be a great Catholic”, be open to something with him.
 
angelcrystal85 said:
Hello Everyone,
I been feeling discouraged and sad about dating. I feel happy in all aspects of life except dating, I feel I am ready to settle down but I just haven’t had any luck. I have a established job/career that I enjoy doing, I have grown spiritually this past year becoming very devoted to our Lady and the Rosary. I started talking to a guy I met online Catholic dating site. we wrote each other very long emails, and then started talking in the phone. He lives 7 hours away, he drove to see me, and I went to visit him twice all ready. My concern is that he is moving to quickly. He is telling me he loves me, I am the woman he is going to marry, he is super happy with me, he has never met someone like me ect. This scared me because a guy that is mentally stable would not be saying this things to me. When we are together, he is respectful, and enjoying time with me. He introduced me his parents allready, and they seem to be happy to know me. After I came back home, he texts me and says that he is not sure if he wants to continue seeing me, the long distance is hard, and totally went cold. When we said good bye in person he was super exited telling me he wants to see me as soon as he can, he will miss me ect. This behavior confuses me, and I feel he is playing with my feelings. He tells me alot of things, and then the reality is that he does not feel what he is saying. He had a very difficult past, and not sure that is what is not letting him have a normal relationship. This just hurts me, and is a pattern I see guys that I date. They lead me on saying “You are the one” “I love you” “I will marry you” ect.
Should I continue seeing this guy?
All I know, is that I been praying to God and Mama Mary Novenas to find a good Catholic man. I am 30, I am confident girl and happy with my life. I am devoted to prayer, volunteer, take care of my self eating healthy, working out, dressing fashionable nice, I have fun hobbies that I do on my free time. But is been difficult to find the man God has for me. I have high standards and I wont date a secular guy, I am looking for a guy that practices the Catholic faith and is serious about discerning marriage and not date just for recreational purposes. I go to Catholic events and see if I can find Catholic guys, but no luck. I have a desire to be married and have a family, I know marriage is my vocation. Sometimes I get
sad and discouraged, like Im going to be alone for the rest of my life. Should I just stop dating and let things happen by themselves, should I go back to Catholicmatch and try it again? Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...
God is testing you and making sure the time is right. I was 40 before I met my wife and God wanted me to get squared away before He entrusted me with such an awesome responsibility. I am now 59, still happily married, and grateful for the wonderful blessing he bestowed on me.

Sorry for the way things went with this guy, but you just need to continue on with the way you are living your life (prayer and such). I was in the same boat as you at 30 and at about 37 I stopped dating and just went on about living life as a single man. Then one day out of the blue I met this woman and as they say the rest is history. Be patient, there is your time factor and God’s time factor, and guess what - God’s time factor rules.
 
Thank you Caroline for your reply.
I agree, I need to attend different parishes and go to their events. My goal is not just to find the “ONE” but to have a great group of Catholic friends. I also have dated guys that go to daily mass and know everything about the church and ended up breaking my heart, because they were not ready to be in a relationship. They are still single and looking for the “ONE” and complain in social media why they can’t find a wife.
I like your story how you met your husband, is wonderful and you are right to take a deeper look in their character.
Sometimes is hard for me to trust, then I get alot of anxiety that I will be alone forever.
I need to trust Jesus and Mama Mary more.
Caroline723 said:
Did you say you are one hour from the city? My suggestion: if you are really just about an hour from the city, start going there on Sundays and check out different parishes for Mass until you find that city parish with activities for young adults, like Theology on Tap. Make it your parish, and start going to events. You’ll inevitably make a few friends, which might lead to you moving to a new place with a social network already in place. I did this and met a few nice guys, but of more value, acquired friendships with just great Catholic people.

I was once very focused on finding a solid Catholic guy to marry. And I dated two I met at church who were daily Mass-goers, and believed all the teachings of the Church. But they were also troubled guys who did a similar bait and switch that you experienced, and ultimately weren’t marriage material (both still single, all these years later). When I least expected it, at 38, I met a guy by happenstance. Someone who at 30 I would have avoided because he was divorced and had a child. But he has turned out to be a wonderful person, kind, caring, moral. He is (or was) a lapsed Catholic who really was taught nothing about the faith, but who has an appetite for it. It is really the most Catholic relationship I have ever been in. I am saying this just to say to you: don’t be blinded by the Catholic label, but really pay attention to character. And if a decent guy comes along who isn’t Catholic, but is someone who makes you think, “he would be a great Catholic”, be open to something with him.
Click to expand...
 
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree, I need to wait in God’s timing. In the meantime I should focus in prayer. I guess I need to stop dating and see where God takes me. I try so hard to date, I read books on how to date, ect. but nothing is working.
Adonia said:
God is testing you and making sure the time is right. I was 40 before I met my wife and God wanted me to get squared away before He entrusted me with such an awesome responsibility. I am now 59, still happily married, and grateful for the wonderful blessing he bestowed on me.

Sorry for the way things went with this guy, but you just need to continue on with the way you are living your life (prayer and such). I was in the same boat as you at 30 and at about 37 I stopped dating and just went on about living life as a single man. Then one day out of the blue I met this woman and as they say the rest is history. Be patient, there is your time factor and God’s time factor, and guess what - God’s time factor rules.
Click to expand...
 
I would say keep looking for Mr. Right. I don’t know if this guy is the “one” but it is very concerning that he cooled off so quickly after declaring his love for you and desire to marry. I would say that you should put him on the back burner while looking to meet other men. This scenario is not uncommon in today’s world so don’t feel that you are alone. My daughter was dating a Catholic guy who she met through a Catholic dating site and he very quickly started talking about his love for her and marriage. He was very romantic in front of his friends as if to put on a show. But alone he was chilly and odd and my daughter quickly summed up that she was being used for some strange purpose. She broke up with him and although she felt sad and even humiliated so has no regrets. Good luck and don’t give up and don’t get discouraged.
 
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